Strange Time

At almost any hour of any dayIf you ask me what time it isMy impromptu response will be within 3-4 minutes of what the clock saysAnd usually right on the noseIt’s uncannyBut made infinitely weirder by the factThat I have zero precision anywhere else in my relationship with timeI’ve never worn a watchI rarely carry my phoneI’ve recently heard the term “time drunk” and was a little scared at how much it resonatedAnd it’s not just meMy sister’s friend once summed up my father:“I picture your dad, a martini in one hand, a handful of peanuts in the otherHaving to be somewhere 15 minutes ago, and deciding to take a nap”Yup.There was a belligerence in his relationship to time all of his lifeWe were all effected, and most of his children have some form of time wonkinessWreaking all kinds of havocMy favorite dentist lied to me about my appointment time for yearsI was grateful, but once I knew, we were right back to rolling the dice as to when I’d be thereParenting made me able to act more responsibly, but just kindofDuring the few years my kids went to schoolI routinely showed up just as they were sending attendance to the office“Hey, kid! Hand me that clipboard! I’m just going to erase this little checkmark…”Contrast that with my husbandWhen he took the kids to school they often had to wait for the teacher to come unlock the doorMy daughter is like my husband. My son is like me.I wish we were all somewhere in the middleBut life is full of nebulous wishes, stubborn proclivities, and unpredictable transformationsAs well as specific wishes, remarkable growth and intentional shiftsI am very clear that I can control very little of itEven, often, my own behaviorBut, I’m equally clear that I can be curious about my relationship to it, my experience of it, and my participation in itWithout it being a referendum on my worthNot running to or from this state or that state, but knowing all the states arise and fallNot ‘a good day because I was on time’Or ‘a bad day because i repeated a pattern I’m ashamed of’Just a dayA day full of wonder and heartbreak on this earthBillions of instances of eachAnd the sweet and salty taste of participation.With homage to the great Chicago song - Yes, I generally know what time it is - and also, No, historically I have not cared - but this seems to be changing as the inquiry continues… This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com