SURREALITY

I keep expecting to spontaneously combustLike, any moment nowIt feels like it might be a reliefThe density of this season’s financial and housing stressExacerbated by what feels to be a consistent stream of schedule, requirement and rule changesMoreso than just in regular lifeIt’s unsustainableIt’s taken every skill, every practice, every tool I haveAnd very often lately that has not been enoughI’ve relied on triads - spacious human contact- quite a bitThe kindness and patience of friends and familyAnd spent lots of time just somewhat numbJust enduringBreathing into my back as my coping mechanism of choiceExhaling through my mouthI never breathe through my mouthYeah, well things changeDesperate times, desperate measuresBeing responsive to what today requiresWhat this moment requires, what this breath requiresAnd tending to itAnd not judging myself for the perceived imperfections of that tendingNot looking too far ahead(Nothing to see there)Today’s focus is todayThe breath provides just enough safety to be ok in this momentCertain things are falling away, thoPictures of what should beIdeas of how I should beA lot of shouldsJust falling off a cliffGiving way to what is in its most basic formWhich is greatPerhaps freeing(I’ll know more when I’m less numb)I just don’t want the shoulds to climb back up the hillLike dementors unburdened by gravityI’d like to recognize the miragesThat have had a grip on my visionOnce seen clearly, never to be mistaken againThis reorganization is dauntingBut the potential for transformation is like never beforeIt may feel low today, and i may feel out of oxygenBut I feel like I’m touching the floor at the bottom of the poolIt’s a matter of re-orientingBut once i get my footing,Watch out!Perhaps I’ll be able to push off with powerAnd jet to the surfaceFor that much needed airIn the meanwhile, I’m acutely awareThe kindness of others, sometimes just their presence, is like scuba divers’ air sharingKindness isn’t just nice, it’s vitality itselfPerhaps this time of upheavalIs to turn something very significant upside downFrom an m to a wFrom me to we♥️ This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com