Tell Me More, Tell Me More

Today, I want to share with you a really powerful way to instantly deescalate a conflict.And before I do, I want to explain why it’s so hard to deescalate conflict. Why we get drawn into conflict when we know it doesn't serve us. Why we become angry, agitated, passive, disengaged, avoidant, or whatever our repertoire of states and behaviors in response to conflict.Conflict is seductive. Amanda Ripley, in her book High Conflict, uses the metaphor of the La Brea tar pits, where one animal came in and got stuck and then all the other animals who wanted to eat that animal came in and they got stuck and they started rotting. And then the scavengers came in. And that went on for thousands of years.It’s so seductive and contagious because our inner minds code conflict as a threat, just like a wild beast that’s trying to eat you.Even though what’s actually happening may be an email, or a conversation, or a glance, your inner mind senses danger. And it does things to get you to take immediate and decisive action to deal with that danger — either fighting back or running away.Of course, that doesn't work in a workplace. It doesn't work in a family situation. It doesn't work in most of the human situations we find ourselves. It's actually worse than useless, because it can contribute to that whole La Brea tar pit effect:Now the other person’s drawn further into conflict, also in self-defense, and everyone’s feeling worse and worse. Things get said that can’t be unsaid, and the initial conflict can morph into an ongoing battle, a feud, a vendetta.How to DeescalateThe method of deescalation that I promised comes from the musical Grease, from the song “Summer Nights.”The chorus of that song keeps repeating, “Tell me more, tell me more.”Those are three incredibly powerful words when it comes to deescalating conflict.I recommend that you practice them. Train yourself to say them, and mean them, when you feel anger or fear or whatever your emotional conflict signature is.Look at the other person with as much respect and curiosity as you can muster and say, “Tell me more.”This works because it shifts your mind from the fight or flight networks in your limbic brain back into the prefrontal cortex — back into the cognitive state where you're now thinking about the topic under discussion rather than being captured by the neurobiology of fight or flight.Your inner mind is OK with this because it wants to keep you safe. And one of the best ways to deal with a potential threat is to learn as much as you can about it. So it’s willing to let you gather intelligence, to find out what’s going on in the other person that’s triggering their reaction.Your Mission, Should You Choose to AcceptYou can get good at this by practicing “Tell me more” in everyday conversation. People love it when you’re genuinely interested in what they have to say.Then start using “Tell me more” at the beginning of the teeniest hint of conflict — little things that you might ordinarily just let slide by. “You seemed a little annoyed just then — can you tell me more about what’s going on for you?”And then start using it in more heated situations: “Tell more about what you’re thinking and feeling. Tell me why this matters to you. Tell me more about what upset you about what I said or did. Tell me more — I really want to know!”Your prefrontal cortex gets to take over, and your limbic brain is satisfied that you’re acting in a protective way.As you return yourself from fight or flight into a state of calm and curious presence, you also help your “conflict partner” regulate their own nervous system. You’re showing them that you aren’t a threat, and signaling that fight or flight isn’t needed here.And from that state, you can both start to get good stuff done.Want me to “tell you more” about how I work with leaders, teams, and organizations to build cultures of positive and productive conflict? Reach out at askHowie.com.