The Apt Cods Podcast: Pet Vet 2

Nurse: I wonder why we always have the same owner, and she always brings stuffed animals?Surgeon: We are waiting for the animal as we speak.Nurse: Oh, really?Surgeon: Yeah. It should be here in a matter of seconds.Nurse: What is it?Surgeon: 3...2...1... She's not here.Nurse: Well, what is it?Surgeon: She didn't say.Nurse: Call her! We know her phone number. It's right here in the phone book.(Telephone ringing)Surgeon: It's the answering machine. She's not there. She should be here soon.Nurse: I'll go wait on the sidewalk.Surgeon: Must be having trouble figuring out which pet to bring. She has so many of them.(Arf!)Surgeon: A dog? I've always wanted to do a dog patient. Cool.(barking)Surgeon: Why are you dragging it along on that leash?Nurse: Yes. How dare you drag your dog around like that!Owner: Pretend it's walking.Nurse: Pretend?! Oh the poor animal!Owner: Mary, how about it's walking.Nurse: Ok.Nurse: What appears to be wrong with your dog?Owner: Ahem. The dog is sick.Surgeon: In what way?Owner: It sneezes a lot.Nurse: Does it have a cold?Owner: Probably. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW!Surgeon: Is it active?Owner: No.(We hear the dog jumping on a file cabinet and barking)Owner: It's not active! Mary, it's not active!Surgeon: It appears very active.Owner: Mary, don't do that!Nurse: The dog appears to be making rock and roll music against the file cabinet.Owner: Mary, come on! Don't do that!Surgeon: Does you dog listen to too many CD's?Owner: Well, he's listened to every CD I've listened to. He just lies there...Nurse: He's banging his stomach against the file cabinet.(Howling)Nurse: And he's howling in pain.(More howling)Surgeon: Um... when you called you said that he had stomach pains and you said he wouldn't eat...Owner: No, I didn't!Nurse: Yes you did!Owner: I never said that! I said he wouldn't play!(Still howling)Surgeon: He didn't play either, I know.Owner: I never said he wouldn't eat!Surgeon: I think the reason he doesn't eat--Owner: I NEVER SAID HE DOESN'T EAT!(Laughter)Nurse: Okay. So. The dog is not eating.(Dog is howling in pain)Owner: Shiloh!Nurse: His name is Shiloh.Owner: Yeah. He's a beagle.Surgeon: Why are you always saying, "His name is Shiloh!" and stuff like that?Nurse: Because I feel like it! I'm a nurse!Surgeon: I never had that sort of feeling. I guess it's because I'm not a nurse.Nurse: We should take some X-rays to see if he has something lodged in his stomach. Or in his intestines.Surgeon: Give me that dog.Nurse: We should see if he has something in his intestines.(Choking noises)Nurse: Don't choke the dog!Surgeon: Sorry! Sorry, I was just...Owner: What are you doing to my poor puppy?!Surgeon: My puppy!Owner: My puppy!Nurse: We appear to have an argument. Should we go to court, or solve this right now?Surgeon: Eew! Stupid dog! He peed on me!Owner: See what happens when you hold a dog that doesn't know you at all?Surgeon: I think he's rather excited.(Howling again)Nurse: I am translating his howling into English. He appears to be saying, "My stomach hurts! My stomach! My stomach!" or in Spanish: "Mi estómago, mi estómago, mi estósmago!"Surgeon: How did you know this?Nurse: I am fluent in 2 million languages!Surgeon: Well. We shall turn on the operating table light.Owner: Oh no!Surgeon: So... Miss, I will do anything in my power to make sure this dog is safe.Nurse: Give it an X-ray so we can see what is lodged in its stomach or intestines.(X-ray noises)Nurse: There appears to be a fire hydrant inside of him.Surgeon: It's a wonder he can breathe!Owner: He's too small for a fire hydrant!Nurse: I don't think he swallowed a fire hydrant. It appears to be his dog tag which is in the shape of a fire hydrant.Surgeon: Aha! He was spending all his time around fire hydrants, so I guess he just swallowed one.Nurse: That's dalmatians, not beagles! They spend all their time around guns.Surgeon: My. He has fallen asleep.(snoring)Surgeon: I didn't know dogs snored.Nurse: Oh. Maybe it was me.Surgeon: Am I boring?Nurse: Yes!Surgeon: Okay. We need to get this fire hydrant--I mean--Nurse: Don't do that!Surgeon: I'm sorry--Nurse: You're not supposed to do anything with its head!Surgeon: I'm sorry, I just like to inject stuff into animals! (Evil laughter)Surgeon: What I shall do is...I shall open its mouth and reach into its throat and take out the fire hydrant.Nurse: It's not a fire hydrant! It's a dog tag!Owner: I though you were going to put a tube in his throat.Nurse: Yeah.Surgeon: (taking something out of the dog's throat) Oops, that's his bone. Let's see what else is in there.Nurse: Don't stick your hand in there!Surgeon: Aha!Nurse: You were supposed to stick a tube in his throat! You probably put a bunch of germs in there from your other patients!Surgeon: Let's ventilate him.(Ventilating sounds (whatever those are))(Howl)Nurse: Uh-oh, he awoke.Surgeon: He's asleep now. Okay, um... Nothing is wrong with him anymore.(Silence)Nurse: Bandage him? I don't know... You're the surgeon! You know what to do!Surgeon: I never operated on a dog before.Nurse: Should we clean off this dog tag?Surgeon: Ahem. Wipe, wipe, wipe.Nurse: Aren't you supposed to sterilize--Surgeon: Sterilize, sterilize, sterilize. Here you are, miss, here's your dog tag. I mean, the dog's dog tag. Um... Would you mind if we gave him a regular checkup? Check his ears and stuff?Nurse: That would cost more!Owner: Yeah, that would cost more!Surgeon: Oh, sorry. Here's your dog, uh...Nurse: Carry him home.Surgeon: Yeah.(Growl)Surgeon: Aaaaah! He bit me! He bit me!Nurse: Walk him home, then.Surgeon: Phew. Did you know that dog bites cause more deaths a year than snake bites?Nurse: I think I read that in the Boys' Life!Surgeon: Did you, now?. (Pause) Miss, does your dog have rabies? When is the last time your dog had a rabies shot? Come back here! Give me that dog! Nurse, get the dog!Nurse: In my records, it says that this dog had a rabies shot on December 12, 1549. Don't worry, this dog has had its rabies shots.