The Dichotomy Within

My inner landscape goes from lush seaside forest to fiery desert canyon surprisingly quicklyThe part of me that trusts life, that encounters hardship with curiosity and care, and that is at restCan quickly be usurped by the one who finds darn near everything unacceptableAll of my spiritual practices, all of my physical practices, all of my time in natureAre intended to increase my time in the forestAnd they workExcept when they don’tLately, I’m feeling I might rethink my approachI keep having to remind myself that I wasn’t put on this planet to prove myselfBut old habits die hardThe more plausible reason I was put on this planetReally why any being is hereIs to bring light to density, possibility to rigidityTo contribute to the ongoing creation in cooperation with all of lifeAlways evolving towards greater love, freedom, and complexityTotally different frame, yes?And if we’re going to bring light to dark placesWe have to be willing to go to dark placesGet to know the texture there, not to fix it but to cocreate with itThe idea of just tiptoeing through the tulips of the well-lit areas is not the goalBeing able to encounter any of it, and know the light can suffuse this place, tooThat seems more reasonable to meAlthough I may just be rationalizingI’m quite good at thatBut, I want to frame my current struggles within my development and contributionNot deign to see them as personal or relational failures that I must overcome to be okOccasionally, I can know that my devotion is surrendered to the current of lifeMore frequently lately, I’ve been trying to solve myself, my situationSo as to be more acceptable to myselfThis is a labyrinth in that canyon side of my inner landscapeAnd I get lost in it from time to timeBut today, that doesn’t feel like a failure so much as a part of a processI would like to be fully awake, enlightened, aware of the divine currents alwaysAnd I can mentally place myself within the larger unfolding of LifeBut when the sensations of unacceptability overwhelm meWhen another $1,500 unexpected expense piles on top of an already thin resource poolThat reaction feels very humanEven if I aspire to laugh and say, “Hmm, I wonder how God’s going to take care of this?!”The relationship between my resourced, trusting self and my underresourced, panicked selfIs the ground I’ve been walkingPerhaps lately stumbling alongBut I know, when I sit in the trees of my inner forestThat the smell of the sea can lead me back from the desert canyonAs I remember I am part of this placeNot lost in it. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com