The Dumpster Fire Marriage Playbook: Getting What You Don't Want

Insights from an excerpt of THE 80/80 MARRIAGE by Nate Klemp PH.D. and Kaley KlempEvery so often (with about the frequency that someone besides you replaces the toilet paper roll), a certain turn of phrase is able to shift the dusty cumbersome furniture in your well-entrenched mind parlor, revealing something your innermost being has always known which had but awaited the illumination of your recognition, much like the opulent treasures concealed within Tutankhamun's tomb had awaited centuries to be unveiled.Such was the case when I read the following quote by Gay Hendricks: “In all times and in every way, we are getting exactly what we’re committed to getting.”  Wait. Whaaaaaat?(In conjunction with the brilliant commentary of Nate and Kaley Klemp in their excellent book, THE 80/80 MARRIAGE…)There’s no way I’m committed to getting no understanding or warmth from my husband and no help around the house!Perhaps not. But taking responsibility is the ONLY POSITION OF POWER.  You’ll get the greatest results in love and life when you adopt the uncomfy view that you are responsible for the results you’ve gotten so far.  Look.  I don’t believe that every rotten thing that has happened to you is your fault, or that you need to spend any time beating yourself up over your mistakes.  Nor do I want you to assume responsibility to the effect that you feel paralyzed by the overwhelming size of it.  What would be the point of that? But what if you took a curious, loving yet detached look at the aspects of your life you’re disappointed about and said, “What if somehow I am committed to those undesirable results?”  Nate and Kaley Klemp, in THE 80/80 MARRIAGE, ask you to lead with that assumption, not because it’s true, but because the thought experiment will lead you to priceless and indispensable insights. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit bethechangeinyourmarriage.substack.com