The Dwarf Sorcerer (Review)

The Dwarf Sorcerer aka Magic Kid 1974HKMDB Link Directed by Yu Hon-Cheung Hey, look, it’s ANOTHER Taiwanese film about a boy whose parents are murdered/mom captured and he is rescued and taught kung fu in a weekend and then he fights for revenge against a bunch of demons and he can fly and do all sorts of crazy crap. It’s almost as if we have seen this before. 9 billion times. I think it IS the same story as Flyer of Young Prodigal, the names are the same (or same as they can be with horrible subtitle translations) and the story is the same. It is the same story, no question, it is just achieved in a different way. It even has similar groovy music. Now, Dwarf Sorcerer/Magic Kid was first, coming out in 1974 (or 1969 if you believe a few other websites), but does that mean it was the best? Keep in mind this is like being the best pile of dog poo. Director Yu Hon-Cheung helmed such genre films as Taiwanese kaiju film Monster from the Sea, Pearl Cheung Ling’s Burning of the Red Lotus Monastery, something called Mysterious Snake Women that I hope is awesome if I ever find it, and the somewhat common kung fu flick Revenge of the Shaolin Kid. So the images look terrifying, because of the poor quality of the print. But this is the only way to see Dwarf Sorcerer at this time, so you got to get used to it. And this still looks better than some prints I’ve seen of new films made by independent filmmakers, who somehow can make even digital film look like it was dragged behind a bus and set on fire. This print is probably just a VHS dub of a VCD that got transferred to DVD. That’s my theory, anyway. Buckle up, as this film is rare and ridiculous, we’ll be going in depth and this will be pretty long. Maybe you should go pee first so you don’t have to get up in the middle of reading. We’ll wait. Doo–doo–doo– You back? Good! I hope you washed your hands! Hygienic or not, here we go! Siao-Lung (???) – Siao-Lung is a Annoying Flying Kid, making this an Annoying Flying Kid movie! NOOOoooooOooOOooOOOoo!!!! Sadly, Siao-Lung doesn’t die the horrible death he deserves. I have no clue who this kid is played by. In-Hwa (???) – Siao-Lung’s mom gets locked up. Her crime? Being a mom! Also not being a willing participant in Evil Bad Guy’s House o’ Rape. Sifu (Cheung Kwong-Chiu) – Do most Sifus get their students by rescuing them via giant birds? Because that’s what we got here. Cheung Kwong-Chiu is also in The Lady Musketeer, The Angel Strikes Again, 13 Worms, Bruce, Kung Fu Girls, The Legend of Mother Goddess, and the awesomely named Spooky Kookies. Evil Bad Guy (???) – Not just bad, evil bad! That’s even badder than bad. It’s badder than the Power Glove. Evil Bad Guy kidnaps women, forcing them to a life of rape and servitude. He’s also down with polyamory–for himself only! Even look at another guy while dating Evil Bad Guy and you die. Funny, he also looks like everyone I’ve meet who is into polyamory. Evil Bad Guy’s magic and gang is brought down by a tiny kid. Little Girl (???) – Another of Sifu’s students who follows Siao-Lung and thus gets into trouble. Siao-Lung treats her like crap, meaning he probably has a crush on her. Or is a jerk. Probably a jerk. Happy Gorilla Family (???) – The Happy Gorilla Family are the best gorillas ever! They show up, started off evil as Dad tries to kill Siao-Lung (getting my good side!) but before Siao-Lung kills him, Mom runs by to beg for the life of her husband. Then they help Siao-Lung at the end, even suffering horrible injuries when they’re blown up. The Happy Gorilla Family us the Dwarf Sorcerer Theme as their theme song, and it fits goofy monkeys better than some annoying kid. The Happy Gorilla Family might also be known as The Alp. Karth Devil (???) – Karth Devil is a yellow ape monster thing that shoots gas from his armpits and teleports and does all sorts of other nasty things. Because he’s evil. Can turn into a tree, a pile of hair, and into flowers. Because he’s evil. A man named Shih-Ja is being chased Planet of the Apes-style through a field from foes that just laugh really really loud. The laughter causes terror in the chased man, and makes me wish he was being chased by a gang of Jokers. Instead, it is two dudes dressed up as cavemen who are kung fu masters. Shih-Ja leads the two cavemen directly to his house where his wife (In-Hwa) and young son (Siao-Lung) are. Dad is back for the first time in six months, and it is just to endanger his family. Shih-Ja has stolen a priceless jewel, for which a caveman appears and punches him over. The cavemen also beat up In-Hwa, then stab Shih-Ja dead with a spear to the back. Beating up In-Hwa is so easy, even a caveman can do it! These cavemen do it a few more times until Siao-Lung bites their legs. They throw Siao-Lung (Yes…KILL HIM!!!) But a giant muppet bird grabs Siao-Lung and flies away with him! NOooOOOooOOOO!!!! It’s opening credits time! Japanese jazzrock plays as the annoying kid Siao-Lung flies around the trees and blows stuff up. I am not sure how he is blowing stuff up, but it is probably because of kung fu. Or cherry bombs. He has a stick or something that flies and he rides on it. The Old Guy training him (we’re gonna call him Sifu) takes back the stick and tosses over and umbrella, so the kid can do some umbrella fu. This must be where Mary Poppins trained… Practice time is done, but Siao-Lung is not done learning “Konfu” just yet. Yes, the subtitles are awful, thank you very much. But we don’t need no stinking subtitles, which is good, because they forget to use them a lot in the flick. A guy, a woman, and a little girl are watching them for some reason. They try to attack Siao-Lung, but it is more tests and he calls them his brothers and sisters. So now Siao-lung has a new surrogate family and is an expert in kung fu, but has aged like two hours. Freaking Chinese efficiency! The three are guy Chalin (Ngok Yeung), woman Phonix (probably supposed to be Phoenix, but we’re going with Phonix!), and little girl Little Girl, who doesn’t even get a misspelled name. Siao-Lung has a flashback to his dad leaving (except the dad is called Lung-Er now for some reason – thanks, subtitles!) and also of dad being killed, which causes Siao-Lung to wake and cry. Oh, great. Why do all these films have minutes and minutes of annoying kids crying??? Siao-Lung runs out of the house to cry more, I guess the neighbors hadn’t all been awakened yet. Sifu finds him and tells him his mom isn’t at home, but won’t tell him where Mom is until tomorrow. He does show him via tv screen. Siao-Lung sees him mom get attempted raped by the evil bad guy, Evil Bad Guy, who then throws mom in their dungeon because she won’t have consensual sex. Yah, that’s what happened. Siao-Lung screams for his mom again and again, howling like an alley cat. It is annoying as frak. I hate this kid. I am having a hard time deciding whether his more annoying now or in the Flyer of Young Prodigal version. Then when the girl student comes by worried about him, he acts like a jerk to her! Siao-Lung, more like Jerk-Jerk! That night, Siao-Lung goes to sneak out. And he takes his umbrella. The next morning, Sifu tells the other three students to let Siao-Lung go by himself. Good job, Sifu, letting small kids go off to die. But I guess tht keeps you constantly busy with new kids to train, and you won’t have to waste time organizing reunion parties as there is no one to reunite what with everyone being dead. It is an efficient business plan. Siao-Lung is still screaming for his mom and now has a cape on, while a walking montage starts and a Chinese song about missing your mother plays. I wonder if this is the same song as in the other movie. I sure ain’t watching again to find out. It’s lazy time here at TarsTarkas.NET. So next up a lady screams for help, Siao-Lung quickly grabs his crotch. Uhmmm…. The lady is being attacked by dudes looking to get on the rape train. Choo-choo! Siao-Lung steps up and attacks them with his umbrella, stabbing one through the chest after his umbrella is cut. Wow, don’t mess with Mary Poppins, she’ll frak your smurf up! They lady gives him a magic sword as a reward, just like in the other movie. Any specific details about the magic sword are lost to white on white subs. So let’s pretend the sword is made of cheese! Later the rape dude who ran off gets his buddy, a guy with an eye patch and a chain that he swings in a circle to menace Siao-Lung. Siao-Lung starts to get hypnotized, but then isn’t hypnotized and then flies around annoying the bad guys. And also me. Siao-Lung kills the chain patch-eye, and then kills the guy who ran away by throwing a knife in his back as he was running away again. Then Siao-Lung once again grabs his crotch and runs off. I think Siao-Lung is Michael Jackson. Next up Siao-Lung needs to cross a river so there is a ferry guy who is taking him across, except the ferry guy is a mugger demon who tries to attack Siao-Lung. What is this, some sort of version of the scorpion and the frog? Except the moral is “Demons be muggers!” Frakking demons! Siao-Lung stops him in a badly choreographed sequence where he stabs the ferry guy in the crotch with his own knife, then tosses him in the river. Two demons hop out of the water like they were ejected from a toaster and attack, so Siao-Lung flies to the other side of the river (why did he hire a ferryman in the first place??!?!) The toaster water demons are killed dead very quickly. The head boss bad guy is watching all this for reasons unknown, and refers to Siao-Lung as Little Bastard which is awesome because I hate Siao-Lung. He declares it is ambush time and now someone underground is tunneling towards Siao-Lung like Bugs Bunny. The guy pops out and he’s another caveman dressed dude with a trident (possibly the spear in the beginning) and he stabs into a second Bugs Bunny digging trail, casing tons of blood to pour out. Except what he stabbed was a tiny rat!...