The Myth of Finding “The One”

Everyone is trying to find the right person instead of becoming the right person.Somewhere along the way, love started to feel less like connection and more like hunting a mythical creature. If we just scroll more, analyze more, optimize more — maybe we’ll finally catch “the one.”But what if that search is the very thing exhausting us?In this first episode of the Finding Love miniseries, I explore the psychology behind modern dating, including:* Why the illusion of endless options fuels anxiety instead of intimacy* The psychology of transference and unmet needs* The difference between attachment and dependency* Why secure love starts withinWe weren’t designed for infinite choice. We were designed for safety, tribe, familiarity. And when the brain feels unsafe, it doesn’t choose — it hesitates.This episode is also personal.I didn’t arrive at these realizations from my psychiatric training alone. They came after heartbreak, because insight doesn’t equal immunity.During a six-month solo backpacking trip, working on a farm in rural New Zealand during Cyclone Gabrielle, a new friend asked me a simple but life-altering question:“Instead of waiting to find the perfect person… why not become the one you’re looking for?”So here’s the truth about the myth of finding “the one”.From scarcity to abundance.From searching to becoming.Since maybe love isn’t about finding someone to complete you.Maybe it’s about becoming whole — and choosing from that place. Get full access to The Unlearning Journal at theunlearningjournalpodcast.substack.com/subscribe