Look at all you Miranda's and Samantha's. Welcome to another episode of Jesse Wilders. Guide to Life. I'm Jesse, that's Wilder.
We're here, too. God, you're life. Am I Miranda or Samantha? I've never seen that program.
Nah, me neither. I was hoping one of us would have. Bro. You seen even one minute of it?
I have it. But I haven't seen a single second of it. But I know that there's a, there's a, each episode, I think, ends with, it sounds like what I'm going to say is a lie. Do you know how the episodes end?
No. So this sounds like what I'm going to say is a lie. But I promise you I'm not doing a bit. The episodes end I think with Sarah Jessica Parker sitting at her computer, like summarizing it from the episode, almost like a dog riding in his, in his girdle.
Yeah, probably not as funny though, right? Doug, come on. Sucks, bro. Get there, bro.
Doug funny, baby. No, Doug sucks. No, Doug doesn't. Ooh, don't, don't take us this way.
Keep Doug's name out of your filthy mouth. Have you watched Doug recently? No. It doesn't hold up.
It's wicked boring. It was mad boring. Oh my God. What's the deal with old things that people love being boring now?
Fam. Oh yeah, hit him with the hottest take. Go. I get like, okay, I'm playing Ocarina time for the first time.
Oh, fuck. What a chore every second of that game is. What do you like about it so much? Yeah, I don't know because me and you is in the same boat.
I also played it and really was like, they got better after that one. Yeah, I don't get it. Gang, welcome to a podcast about rubrics. Yeah, we, this 10-0 chat has got to be finished, but uh...
We're talking, it's the season. We're doing a lot of season chat these days. Yeah, try to be relevant with the youth. So this is our...
Yeah, and it's going medium. Well, everybody knows the youth. I've pulled the youth. As you know, I work with them and I pulled them and I said North Pole question mark and they said, oh fuck yeah, dude, it's sick.
Yeah. I'm just going to go through the streets, right? Bang on their desks. Yeah, we're talking about the pole that sits not in the south.
You, dude, the south pole, you ever thought about going your weenie that? I don't like that. That's my for my butt. Your butt is the south pole?
No, dude, your weenie is a pole. Weenor is the north pole and butt is the south pole. Oh, interesting. So you're, you, Wilder.
Wents, you lay horizontal are the flat earth. Yeah, that's correct. Everybody knows that. That's why they call it that.
Yeah. And so when you're the flat earth, that's interesting. Because I don't, the flat earthers think there's a backside to the earth. Yeah, what's under, what's under, is it flat?
Oh, but there's some spooky shit under the underside of the flat. It's not like, I mean, I don't want to get back into a chat, but it's not like fucking final destination where it's like, did you and your little kid ever think that the north pole and the south pole were one pole that were connected and wrapped around the other side of the globe? You couldn't say when you say wrap. So no, first of all, when you say wrap, because it's a flat, not a globe.
Sorry, I should say a map. Because it's like one's on the top one on the bottom. I kind of thought that if you just balled up a map into a ball, it would be the world. Uh huh.
So you, so you don't I mean if you, if you, if you take together the top end and bottom end of the map, so it would be wilder is turning the flat earth concept really on its head right now, because what he's talking about is not just long earth, long earth, two-dimensional is what this man is talking about. This is fucking Paper Mario Earth. Give me oval earth. Wow, wow, wow.
No, I never thought that. No, I don't think so. The handling of maps and stuff with kids is poorly done. Maps give you no kind of idea what the world looks like.
I'm gonna map chat, baby. No, what we're talking about is the topics north pole. What else you need to know. This is not, we're not building the apex pole.
No, no, no. Oh, dude. Talk about a name for your weenie, the apex pole, dude. Come on.
Oh, no, this episode is bad. What do you mean? We got all my favorite things, weenies and tendo. Yeah, bingo and sex and the city.
Yeah, what is this? My Christmas list? How about Miranda and what's the other one that you said? Samantha.
Samantha. I don't know which one of them is Jessica Sarah. Oh, Jessica Parker. I think Miranda or Samantha.
Maybe it's one of the other. There's also two other ones. You understand? Oh my God.
How many sex and cities are there? Could you even tell me right now if I had a gun to your head? Could you tell me if the show is called sex and to the city or sex in the city? I know that it is sex and to the city.
Is it? That much I know. You're right. I know that neither of them are Sarah.
Jessica Parker. What? Oh, no, I know this. Then tell me.
Carrie. It's Carrie and I'll give you all Venmo you $10 if you can know that last one is gone. I can't. Charlotte, dude.
Yeah, no fucking way, bro. That's impossible. That's right. It's Charlotte.
My ass is Charlotte. There ain't no Charlotte in that show. I would have heard about her. It's probably just another Samantha.
Yeah, yeah, there's two Samantha's and now we've traveled. Now you want to talk about flatter. We've traveled all the way back now to backwards, paralactica. There's two Samantha's but one of them.
Oh, bro, next show. Yeah. Oh. For backwards watching.
What would we call it? Yeah, city in the sex, baby. That sucks, dude. We got to get back to this other bad podcast before we create more.
The podcast versus the good call. Can't sustain so many bad, wilder Jesse podcast. North Pole. Have you been?
No. Have you? No. Oh boy.
Okay. So that's a strong. That's a good place to start. So we're going at this in terms of like this is Christmas town.
This is where Santa's workshop is. All right. All right. I got a topic for you category as we're critters.
Inhabitants? Yeah, I'm calling them critters, but you'd call them inhabitants if you want. I will. Okay.
An educated person. Santa Claus. Yeah. I mean, I just feel like for this rubric to be anything.
He has to be. Yeah. You can't be. It can't be like, oh, well, actually.
Okay. I wish it was like, skilik turkey. The elves, bro? No, I hate them.
We hate them, right? But the problem is they are a necessary work for me to get all my toys. And can we get some better workers in there? Okay.
Not doing that. Fair enough. We're building the best one. Why do you don't like the elves?
No elves in the North Pole for me. Okay. Let me, I'm going to hate you because critters is what's in the mind right now. No, there's one elf.
There's some elves that's at the dunk tank. Dunk tank. Dunk tank, bro. Wherever you want.
Yeah. Amenities. I'm going to say attractions. Attractions, great.
Santa's workshop is an attraction, right? That's a three because that's what you're there to see. They got a tour. I don't know if it's a three.
It's just like a factory? Yeah, you like to walk through and you can see Santa, you know, oh my God. I was fine. I mean, I'm into the jelly belly factory.
You can't be much different than that. It smells better. No way. Jelly belly factory smells like ass.
Come on, bro. On the inside? Smells like cherry and popcorn and coffee and all the flavors. Oh boy.
Oh my faves. Yeah, the good ones. Coffee. I don't even like the popcorn ones to be honest.
I can't remember the last time I had a jelly bean that wasn't a sour. We are covering it today. Okay. Attractions, Dunk tank.
What did you say? This workshop? I guess the workshop's a three. It's just a boring to me.
I don't want to see how my PlayStation could be. Are you not going to see it? Of course I'm going to see it. But it's like going to Rome and not seeing the fucking Leem Tower of Pisa.
Or maybe that's not Rome. Is that in Pisa? Bro, don't ask me. Where is it?
I wish we could just look for just one second. Sounds so fucking stupid. Probably a pizza. It's in fucking Pisa, dude.
That makes sense, bro. I can't believe the Tower of Pisa is in fucking Pisa. All right, let me use a different example. Why don't you go see the Leem Tower of Rome?
It's great too because what does Rome have? Only about 400 different fucking attractions. It's like the one with the Paris. Is that one of them?
The Eiffel Tower. It's like, no, bro. Eiffel Tower is not in Rome. You know, I said in Paris, I changed my fucking idea.
I'm saying the sand workshop thing is like seeing the Eiffel Tower. Am I going to see it because I'm in Paris? Yes, of course. Am I going to look at it for like 10 seconds?
I'm like, all right, I got it. It's a big old thing. Is there a Mount Rushmore type figure or structure in the North Polo? Who would it be of?
Oh, okay. Sandy got up there, right? What a smack in the face. He's not up there.
And Mrs. Klaus, of course. Oh, you think the Mises Klaus too? I'm putting this as a two.
Rudolph gets in, gets to be in the Mount Rushmore. Because it's really stupid. Who? Rudolph.
Okay, so Mr. and Mrs. Klaus. Yeah.
Rudolph. And then like, who's the fourth? I think it's just a Santa Claus. I think it's just a fucking sick polar bear, dude.
Oh, fuck. That's the one that said the Klaus rides. Yeah, dude. He has to do it.
Mm-hmm. And also creators, pole bear. Gotta be a three. Yeah, but is they friendly?
Everything's friendly in the North Pole, right? Is there any predators? I don't think there's any predators. No, okay.
Oh, it's ever Krampus, dude. Oh, Krampus. Like, okay, you go to the North Pole. Are you gonna be a little bit disappointed if you don't even get a little rumbling of Krampus?
I need a little Krampus. Yeah. Yeah. I wanna see some trees scratched up or whatever that Krampus did.
Yeah. I wanna see like, you know, we hear like something on the edge of the tree line or whatever. And you see kind of Santa reach very like, very calmly, very knowingly for his hip revolver, you know? Mm-hmm.
You wanna armor it up, Sandy Claus. I do. I don't, we can't talk about guns more because I feel like we always talk about them even though both of us hate guns, but like, yeah, he got a hat, protects himself somehow from the Krampus. Yeah, he does.
Crossbow, maybe. Oh, yeah. Damn, this is a sick fucking Santa Claus. Are we gonna, should Santa be his own category?
Yes, bro. And let me tell you what, step one, toss the big black boots, step two, toss the hat, replace him with cowboy boots and cowboy hat. Why do we always do it? Bro, come on.
Okay, maybe, how about this? How about this? Cowboy hat, I don't think is gonna look good on Santa. I agree, I agree, I agree.
But I do think he needs a spurs. But cowboy boots with spurs is a lock to me. There's no reason that his red suit can't have some sick fucking red leather boots. Red leather cowboy boots.
Fuck yeah. Red leather cowboy boots is like something somebody would wear to the NBA draft, I feel like. Big time, that's a Russell Westbrook outfit. Yeah, with like a dark purple suit.
Are we happy with a white beard? I think so, actually. What if it's like fucking dyed jet black? No, dude, that's weird.
That's like he's going through the like crisis or something. I hate that. No, big white beard. And you like, you like a Santa with glasses?
I do. Oh, that's because you have glasses though. Yeah, bro. That's wack.
He has magic. Magic. Broficier vision. Is he magic?
Yeah, for sure. He's not just surrounded by magic. Oh, no. No, no.
How many? How he fit in the chin of me. I don't know if you said this. Do we agree that transition lenses are one for Santa?
You know, I don't. You want to see Santa get in your house and he's got that like 40% tint. There is virtually no reason Santa would need transition lenses because his big job takes place at night. But I mean, you wear your transition lenses at night and a day.
That's the whole point. I mean, yeah, so he doesn't need them. So I guess they're one. Oh, frick.
There's a lot I want to say about Santa. But I want to talk more about this Christmas town. Yeah, okay. So it is a Christmas town, right?
Like the North Pole. It's got to be. It's got to be festive as hell. It's like that flick Fred Claus.
I mean, that's not the only one that does it. But sometimes they go up to the North Pole and it's just like Santa's house and all the... Yeah, it's just a town. Just a little bit.
Yeah, I want to be on the town Christmas town. Speaking of movies like Fred Claus, I was specifically told to mention the little tap your heels together ice skates from Noel, a movie I have not seen. Nor have I. And then cut it when you're editing it.
That's it. That's it. That's it. He's done.
I thought you saw that movie and said you liked it. You know what? Matter of fact, I did. Oh my God, bro.
I did it. I did it. I did it. I did it.
I did it. I did it. I did it. I did it.
I did it. I did it. That's what Bill Haters is in that one, right? Yes.
He plays the titular sound to Klaus. Well, it's not titular, is it? Fucking moron. It goes to Rome, dude, for the leaning down.
Cool. Well, those episodes is stupid. Nah. Okay.
I imagine you got there. It was dark. No way. I live in this place where there's like no lights.
This fucking town. There's no lights. The town that you live in currently? Christmas lights?
There's no lights lights. Is it the fucking 40 days of night? Like on the highway and shit. There's no fucking lights.
Oh my God. Yeah. Well, it's actually moving the mountains thing down. Goddamn.
A little mountain person. What do we? Okay. So we said Krampus.
Grinch is a one though, right? We don't want Grinchy there. No, I don't want the fucking Grinch around the douchebag. I do not.
I mean, he lives in Hoville for sure, but I feel like he can't do it. I know then. I know. Yeah.
He can't do it. So, I mean, it was somewhere around me. That's the kind of thing that you know, there's no possible testing. So, you know, what kind of energy do we want it to be?
Well, well, unless he was on one of his death missions where he's out there killing everyone that loves Christmas. I don't care. He's up to know good, he has a good heart. Does he have a heart?
He got that Danny Elfman bangers. You want like, um, like an elf, like I like to talk to animals. You want little penguinies walking by down the street next to you and chat with you? I do.
Oh, talking penguinies. Talking animals. Yeah, that's fine. And then I think attractions are three is talking animals so that all of them maybe bonus point okay now you're talking Yes, the polo bears are talking to me the penguins are talking to me Yeah, it's a fucking delight polo bears all got coke and some glasses and a scarf.
Okay. I don't want to fucking advertisement I just love it. Oh Santa was developed as an advertisement for Macy's of the bargain stores. Oh shut up your ass I want the I was talking to whatever whatever of our listeners and Serbia that was like gonna Actually, oh yeah, no Bulgaria They're surely gone there yeah They are working instead of the elves but I think we need they're paid up.
They're paid a proper wage And they love their job, but they don't got any fingers to make the toys though Do they know they don't do they know anything is you think all the time they got it to always have this spooky Australian accent or what? Yeah, they do and instead of fingers. What if we give them those claw toys. That's nothing What do they get okay?
Just a claw toy can I okay? We need some with fingers to get in there and what you got? Pitch me something the big big thumb from the spock Okay, fuck no Dude you asked for a finger and I delivered baby. I know what's up with fingers up Not something that is a favorite gotta be the spy kids thumb, huh?
Yeah, and like across the board I Don't know dude That's maybe why the elves are a good use because you put them to work because you don't like them It's not like he's letting them work because he the elves are great. He's like we must punish these little monstrosities Like what about beavers? They're gonna build stuff in my fingers again. Keep thinking of things about things bro I guess just like my fingers as those people and monkeys.
That's it. I mean we suppose you get monkeys But monkeys ain't go do well in the North Pole there. No, they're gonna have a fucking fit They're gonna imagine the smell and the noises in that room We need to stink about them and you know it yeah, they do they death the zoo they always got a stink They go to a bunch of stinky shit all over their toesies dankonia nothing up Nothing's some krill and also an island red okay, but just fucking bite together. He's always just Jason state them correct I got I got I don't we gotta come back to fingers.
That's Maybe fingers is a bonus point The town I guess elves are the best workers. I think so dude We could put him to because then they're also getting no Would you say no no no no no no it's just an elf but better they're older and seem like a lesson way okay I actually okay, I have a I have a suggestion no one's is bad because that's just that feels just like other else But what if we got like fucking legal ass elves you know talking about like yeah But like why because they got magic power so they can make my Xbox and put my bike together and they got thingies too if they need Them for the little things like putting batteries in bro if the only requirement is thingies I can't get behind you on big tall elves. What about hubbits? Okay?
You want some from one of the rain so bad? Hobbits take some hobbits It's gonna be tricky because they got all those dinners they got to eat and that is They have so many meal breaks. That's gonna meal breaks That's like a big their the hobbits are fucking Union. I'll tell you what they come in hard with that.
Yeah bunch of Union boys Yeah Just remind her in 20 minutes. We got second breakfast Before man We're not working another minute until we've had our leavens ease yeah, and they're gonna be throwing plates of shit I don't know how bits are a two. They're gonna get fucked up to they're fun. I think hobbits are a two I think that they're better step up from elves certainly we're making progress But there's no way that they're going to be as efficient robots.
Oh, yeah, bro Wait a minute. We gotta just figure out what Americans figured out the 1960s. Yeah, bro eliminate the human work Eliminate the jobs get rid of the jobs get a day and you know it in there now Tell me about the commerce of the North Pole is there money is everything free? Mmm?
How do things get made? I think it's a favors system. Oh a favors system. Give me that hot chocolate I owe you one.
I'll give you a scratch on your North Pole Okay, now wait what's it apex pole? Yeah apex pole. Yeah, I think favor system is actually what we should just everything should be on But yeah, we're just going to running a country again. Yeah.
Yeah, welcome welcome to another episode. I'm gonna accent Okay, okay. What how does he he just have a deep voice normally right? It's not I think I'm done with it.
We could do better than that. What is Well Scottish Scottish is a great one, right? I could just it feels right. Yeah, that's a great one I was gonna suggest something stupid, but that's good What were you gonna say Boston?
I was gonna say he has to part of his Christmas his non Christmas time duty is to learn a new accent every Year, oh every year Santa has a new accent. Yeah, but oh my god How long before that gets so racist? I was gonna say the obvious like this year Santa has Vietnam Yeah, and it's like oh no Santa no no no, but okay that brings me to something else the town got to be Multicultural it's got to have different types of folks different Yeah, and is Santa the the boss of the town or see just like a celebrity that lives there Good question is a town without a leader is there is a communist society? I would imagine the other communist got to have a top So it's not if it's hit that then he's stolen.
You know, I think that he's not in the government He's he's in the business of joy, baby. Okay, but so there isn't a guy. I think no government There's a mayor. I think of the North Pole.
It's not Santa. What the fuck is it? Is it a pinkin? Yeah?
Interesting, okay, I'm gonna put the town I'm gonna put government as a two I See it's a necessity, but I can't be like this narrative of like an election happening. It's so fucking Wrote when I'm saying to and I gotta make the toys. I mean they're a democratic society brother They gotta vote are they democratic? I mean they're working with them for a good favor system, bro Oh, whoever who ever promises to do the most favors for everyone gets to be the mayor obviously well, that's incredibly corrupt obviously Cops if the town is a one we don't want any like a fucking cops.
No need it would be the elves and there's a volunteer some volunteers But we don't need them Point to them it's a favor system. What are you mugging someone for ten favors like it's not happening We don't need cops. Well, they got stuff. I mean brother that we have to think about the security necessary on Santa's workshop It's got everything that's true and you got we already talked about crampoos and we talked about Grinch So there doesn't need to be okay, so cops are out but a security who guards who guards the front doors of the Santa's workshop Santa needs a security detail.
It's kind of the underground I think this is like a very high-risk place Maybe that maybe this the residents of the North Pole aren't after him But like you know people trying to get in there. It's like fucking raiders the lost our warehouse Well, I kind of think it's like a Wakanda situation like a hide-and-plane site like I don't think you could I think you could get it Crack it right you could crack it, but it's a got to a concept hard is hard. Yeah, it's true. That is hard You thought about hard it is to get the fuck out of a condo bro.
Jesus. What do you think is harder to get to Wakanda or the North Pole? Well as far as I'm concerned they're both fictional So I think Santa's workshop got to be underground is the biggest workshop a category Alright, dude. Alright, yeah, I guess so underground is a two to me I get that it's a necessity because of security I think it has like one of those like million year elevator rides But it's go down down down But that's like not fun and it's like really takes a joy out of it if you're in a fucking underground factory and that sounds horrible honestly Maybe it's fun there.
Maybe you agreed with some hot chocolate. Yeah, they're at bonus points gotta be hot cocoa, right? It's gotta be fucking everywhere. I want it.
I would and I would think that it's the best in the world, right? Yeah, it's not Swiss miss that's for fucking sure You know how people are like oh in Dublin the Guinness is so much better right me. I'm one of those people It's like that for cocoa in the North Pole. Yeah, did you just do an impression of yourself?
Yeah, is his list worth mentioning at all? No, the list is dumb dude In fact the Santa his list is like a one and that's a big narc shit like but not everybody get presents You want everyone to get presents? I mean kind of dude, even if you're bad, so what are you what are you're you confident? Doing bad?
I mean I guess the list is a two then list is it too? It's a necessary you do the reindeer I said one dude reindeer so I First of all, I didn't really know they were real animal until college. Do you know about that? I mean I knew they were real animal.
I didn't know that you're dumbass didn't know they were real animal Yeah, I thought they were purely fictional Santa Claus thing. I don't mind reindeer. What would you prefer guides to slay? You gonna put Rudolph out of a job?
Okay, so here's what I think for critters I want to put reindeer at a two because I think that they're fine, but like they're no polar bear They're no penguinys. You can't penguinys. You're gonna get everywhere in the world with a fucking sleigh full of penguin You get down to the water to have a little mackerel snacker roll. Um, why is he driving a Sled like can we get him something better?
100% but at the same time it does seem like a sled is pretty well suited for the snow But he's not even in the snow for that much but he's pretty much just in the air, right? I'm I do just flying like you can get anything flop You know like a cool fucking like one of those cool planes for the rocketeer like one of those one person little like dog fight planes Oh sick. Yeah, that's kind of cool. I kind of like that.
Is there storage room in one of those for like the lots of presents? I don't know. Get me started on the what kind of storage you need for presents for the whole world Right, I mean I think he's got like one of those magic Hermione bags I think you need enough room for that big magic bag the bag holds infinite amounts of presents But it is still large right you never see him with like a little coin purse that he's pulling your bike out Yeah, I mean, I think we gotta go feel like the cat style. What does that mean like Hermione's purse?
All right, okay, so he has a look he has a magic bag. That's yeah, he's got a purse magic purse He's got his little Santa purse. Okay, I know the good he's right there I think dog fight dog fight plane is a two because I think we need to open up our minds eye a little bit He made a slide fly. Okay fine, bro.
I'll say it Gundam No, we can't read no we can't reach raise these steps We already burned our Gundam card for all of life and that's oh, but we did it now And it's also impractical like you're gonna leave a Gundam on a roof. You're gonna kill those kids But what about big fly and monster truck do you hear yourself? You just said that a Gundam would crush the roof What a big fucking monster truck monster truck Deceptively light because those big squishy tires are big like a deceptively light. Yeah, I'm sure you know big deal Like I hate what they'd most Imagine if you look at monster truck bro, just figure this people's roof And it's the moon and then in front of his a solo fucking grave digger You know Like you know that rooftops are not flat right like people have a helipad for him to land on that shit Oh my god, are you kidding me?
Do you even know what a monster truck is they go over all the fucking sick bumps with their Sick jumps dude. They'll stay there you Monster truck is very not quite lit It's a two for fucking cool shit sake at least I guess it's pretty cool, but like okay Well, give me something feel like I just don't understand why Gundam's gonna rip through a roof But the monster trucks not well monster truck also sick and like a non-threatening for the most part like what I'm seeing my grave digger I'm like that's wicked cool. He's gonna fucking do a sick jump if I see a Gundam and like a fucking laser beam sword I'm like, oh am I threatened right now. I have a craft I guess man, but we have the magic to make something fly and you're picking flying.
Oh, oh I got it magic carpet Aladdin style So stupid so fucking bad. That's sick. Holy world dude. You have nothing.
There's no cool You don't have a radio interesting that movie the same to clause when they're like this thing just mens cocoa and this one's got turbo boosters Okay, then I hate to tell you I'm back on slay is it slay or slay? I guess it's like slays different slays like walls. I think right? Yeah, it's a wall support beam.
So just a soup up slay bro. What kind of man is you want hot cocoa? Yes? I mean let me ask you this can say I have a little like where is it is it unsafe?
There's no one in the sky. Oh, no, he's magic. Are you kidding me? Yeah, little peppy shanobs for Santa absolutely Yeah, give us a peppy shanobs.
Santa loves peppy shanobs. Let me give oh, I got a good one We got this compartment in the sleigh pop it open whatever you put in there. Here's how it works You put cookies in there turns into something else You see what I'm saying like what though? So whatever you want like a microwave There's buttons for everything Santa's like oh my god more fucking cookies But the display does have a thing where you put cookies into it and then you can press like oh no I want this to be turkey lunch meat Bing Bing thing.
I don't like elitism is craving I want elusive cold wet turkey slices, please It's not even good. It's not like fresh. It's like fucking trader Joe's brand turkey slice. It's got that that deli turkey slime on it Oh turkey slime very not quite lit.
Yeah, turkey slime a big demerit. I still think we haven't unlocked the perfect slave for old sandy boy But you know well fine. What else you got there? I mean like a fucking I don't know because the thing is is like you're what you're saying is that like roofs aren't flat Like my brother lands a goddamn sleigh on the roof.
That's not fucking conducive to a tilt like How about this you can hover? Why does he have to land on the roof? Right? Okay, now we're getting somewhere so we can hover but if we can hover then why not like a UFO?
Why not a fucking submarine? What was you F.O. Is pretty good? You have a big spooky right?
You're looking out You're like I can't wait to see a little one a tasteful one A tasteful UFO just have to be shiny and silver. No don't have to be I mean it's fucking you know Chris Grim who likes on if we want yeah, and if and it and it goes off it shakes little jingle bells Mmm, and the tracker beam doesn't pull anything up. It puts the presents in so Santa's never gonna get his ass Out of common misconception. He doesn't go into chimney He makes them just fucking materialize in front of the goddamn tree with the dank tractor beam Yeah, he sends his little assistant a penguini down grab a cook back up the Jiminy first of all cannot believe I got You on board with UFO as Santa's sleigh and also yeah, I'm into it This is not even for the rubric just a little this little chin and chad And I was wondering when you'd ask me that is Santa Claus and alien I see no reason why not yeah I mean if one person can provide one scrap of evidence to the contrary I would look it's just like a little spooky for me if he is because what's he wants.
What's his good? Yeah, it's true, but that's maybe just a misconception that we have about aliens like maybe they don't always have some sort of He's just here to help He's just I mean look I don't fucking buy it dude There are humans who just like do their cool shit and they're like this is like I just like to do cool shit That's it I donate all my money or whatever maybe this alien came down like boy these people are fucking Dullards they need my help I'm gonna make them really like fucking bicycles whack here you go. I'll make a thousand matter That's so lame. He might be an alien um that really we can't just stick with that fictional because that will change the complexity of the rest of this rubric greatly Let's get back into the workshop.
Yeah, and like what's a very not quite lit aspect of the North Pole I mean like whether it sucks. Yeah, the attractions snow a little old I'm gonna sled once and then be like done with it the one thing though is the snow I feel like because they're magic as a play. It's always the dankest powder bro It's gotta be the sickest powder the powder is the Narnar everyone knows it. Yeah, there's no you're not on the fucking scrappy I see fucking bammer powder dude.
That's that it's that fresh powder brother Yeah, that's fuck powder bonus You think she's Santa's resin are obviously Santa got a shred the Narn and that is a three for sure is the North Pole I guess it is snow year round like when off season They all get to fucking party and like this tropical paradise. No, dude. It's definitely still snowing and they got you They just hit they had to vacate. How about that?
I want I want they need some vacation time. Okay vacation time. They're off to Rika Yeah, they go they hit Cancun. Yeah, the Florida Keys.
They get wild. Yeah, they go down They get girls gone wild. I was gone wild. What do you see it in this North Pole town?
I'm seeing snow covered poles and string lights quaint little shops. I'm gonna make a I agree with you quaint little shops I'm gonna make a case for like a hallmark movie town Yeah, quite little shops I think it's a two because I think if I lived in that town and I knew the fucking border those shops big Well, not only that but big factory under the ground That's making all these toys that are gonna get given out for free and my ass is walking into the store to buy some fucking I don't know a candle or whatever like like fucking fat chance. I'm doing that but you're just exchanging favors, dude I know but the kids didn't have to I guess the favor the kids do you're right We've designed a perfect system because the favor the kids do is their good little boys and girls here right here Mm-hmm, but the quaint little shops still to me. It's not gonna buy an equivalent I'm gonna go into Devin shop.
I wonder what Devin has oh still fucking incense cool Devin. Thank you It smells crazy in here, bro. It's too many flavor Oh, it's seven Devin's North Pole incense dude. I got one for you that I think is a one igloos dude get him out of here Oh my god, it sucks I'm sure there are things in ice than just more ice and it's like People in real life make them and live in them and they are like a true like Marvel and like mad respect But if I'm in magic North Poland someone's like here's your accommodation you sleep in a room like no You sleep in a new glue.
I was sleeping in Santa's bed tonight. Thank you very much That is a thing there are ice hotels which are basically just nice ass igloos I know dude and that's I that seems like you'd be there for like a day and it's so sick and then after a day You'd be like it's cold. I like to go take a tour of the rooms and sleep somewhere else. Please.
Thank you So igloos are a noise from me you think them wolves from 300 are in that place. Oh god be the dire wolves That's probably a no is there any physical structures made out of candy they can be do we Is there like a candy cane forest? Can you go out and pluck up a little candy cane slurp it turn into a spear stab your inferior With it, okay, I think candy cane forest better than candy cane plate building undeniably, okay? Okay, good.
So candy cane forest. I think we can give it to yeah And that's just a quaint little nickname for a forest full of different candy. Yeah, yeah, like gingerbread houses That's a like I hate that that's a one to live in because it's only a matter of time bro before I'm sitting in bed Fast asleep and some hungry little fucking hobbit comes up. Oh my god.
Yeah, he's fucked up dude He had seven pints of ale. Yeah, dude. He's trying to get his fucking 11s. He's on and he's chomping through the goddamn Foundation my home you can't stand between a hobbit and his 11s.
He's when your house is made out of food So we're just going with the fact that hobbits are the wells now Yeah, I mean they're better elves either better and their feet don't get as cold as elves They got those hairy nasty feet they go on that problem is elves be wearing shoes hobbits probably gonna pick I mean that's kind of a push I think we decided robots are better than both of them, but hobbits certainly Trump elves I don't like that. I don't like robots. I like I imagine they're all like little wallies, you know, so they're cute and you flip the switch There's more robots in town than then inhabitants something's gonna go wrong. Well, okay Here's a question Santa is not the leader I don't think but he does Santa is considerably more powerful than everyone here, right?
So you got power. Yeah, of course. He's got powers So my thought is like if the robots start out number him, that's fine You'd let him that's you're talking about like Will Smith and that hit film where he fights all the robots Yeah, yeah, just fucking stomp him. Did you say hitch?
How many robots are the could Santa take every one it's like a million robots I mean your concerns are gonna be too many robots, but I just don't think it's gonna I just you know I'm afraid of robots dog. What about a kill switch fine. Yes an infallible kill switch fine They can be robots, but also sprinkle some hobbits in there. It's gonna get boring Yeah, they're all there.
Do you looking at the great a tasteful mix of hobbits and robots? Yeah, just like my tenth birthday party Okay, what type of magic Santa got real quick, we don't want to talk about too much, but what type of magic you got? Okay, guys magic purse. Yes laser vision.
He can jump. He can dunk. He yeah, he can dunk Super speed no he didn't have super speed because anyone even needs you a phone you got strength though I guess he can I guess he can which this is like a two to me seems like he could just like see nose when you're sleeping He knows when you're awake. Oh, yeah, I can't I'm nip a tense.
Yeah, that might be like a one I don't know if I like to picture it's spooky Santa just like looking at his big orb Yeah, bro, when you tell me some outer space and you know when you're sleeping and just like some It's gonna go wrong here. Yeah, you know how like there's school in elf. No fucking school. Okay.
Yeah, we still blame And also like what are they what do you gotta be fucking had a little hot cocoa and do manual labor? What are they teaching the fucking no need to teach me baby? I'm a natural. Yeah, give me the fucking alleridge How about we toss like assembly lines out of Santa's workshop?
I guess they're really helpful though, huh? Yeah, but if you've got all year and you got robots we can make it a little we can spruce it up a little bit We got my I don't want to make this full-on Google, but we can get a little bit of a startup vibe in there Oh, it's startup vibe. Yeah, like we want like like lots of plants lounge areas pimp young being bags Greater I don't know what else to say. Yeah, I mean we did we did it good We finally figured out that Santa's an alien and they built the dang pyramids not a lot of bad things I suppose that's cuz then with pollsters today wonderful in it.
Yeah, it's tough Yeah, it's tough like we talked about snow it is bad and it's really I mean if you really think about something that bad is just cold I'd be fucking pissed if I went there's no snow right exactly so we're kind of even removing even more of our But that's besides the point. I think we did a good. I think we actually did a pretty good job here Thanks for listening to the program Philly gang awesome keep going love it and shout out to our four listeners in Japan Oh, very cool very cool and happy tomorrow to ya and happy tomorrow to ya see that Might be the button we needed. Oh, it's far easier to say than the other bullshit.
Yeah sure as fuck is it's hard to mess up But we will manage it. Thank you to bad talk for the music I get out of favor the art Thank you all our loving friends and family and you know thanks for the the holidays whatever holiday you celebrate or don't celebrate My grandma's doing was waiting to celebrate any fucking holidays But she invented one so that she didn't have to celebrate the others because that's how tight holidays are I wasn't happy no to end on thanks everyone. Yeah Have a good crew and happy tomorrow to you