You have to fucking understand this. You do not hate yourself. You do not think you suck. You just got unfortunate that somebody in your life created that framework.
City, what's good? Thank you. Thank you. So happy to be here.
Very good, sir. Many people here today in the pre-event survey said that their biggest issue was finding motivation and inspiration. What are your thoughts on this? Well, you can't be motivated when you don't like it.
I'm not teasing that for my whole life, because I fucking hate in school. Like, I'm telling you, man, the world's got it upside down. The quickest way to buy the things that people think what they want is to like what they do. But everyone thinks it's the other way around.
Let me change the money, then I'll have it, then I'll be happy. You are very wrong, because I know unlimited miserable luck no-one else. One of the things you said recently was that there were two ways to build something great. Either you have deep levels of insecurity that you use as fuel or a deep level of confidence.
Can you expand on that? Yeah, I think the things that when people look at people accomplishing wealth or commercial success, it's just very obvious that the fuels are very opposite. It's like it's almost like Star Wars had it all figured out, right? Like, the force and the dark side are actually very close.
But in the end, good wins. Can I believe that? I think most people achieve big things from a heavy driver of deep insecurity. They're gonna fucking shield a world, fuck you, mom and dad in the world.
And it just drives them. And I think there's another energy, which is greater, is they just love everything and everybody. And it just drives them. And so it's a simple game of love and hate.
And the more extreme you are on those two energies, the more you've got fuel to create commercial success. The issue is if you build your financial and commercial success through insecurity and darkness, it's not sustainable once you get there. The reason there are so many people in the world that have made it, but then lost, is because that's what happened to them. And so I just feel like a lot of people get to a mountain that they put on a pedestal and then they get there and it's really bad.
And so this is why I'm so passionate about self-esteem and self-awareness and all the shit I talk about because I'm old enough now to have watched a lot. I've lived in a lot of rooms. I've been in all sorts of places, from the dirt to the penthouse. And it's just very clear for me what life's about and how everybody's interacting.
And I just want people to be happier because it feels nice. For you, did the confidence and self-esteem come naturally from parenting received? Or did you build that over time? I think it was, like this is why it's so fun for me to talk about things I do.
I don't think it has anything to do with me. It was all built on the by-product of my parents in my environment. You know, when people are like, you're awesome, I'm like, cool. Like when people are like, I'm super detached from Gary Vee.
That, what did I do? I didn't have sex that night, my parents did. Right? And then my parents made me, my parents screamed to me, my mom is an all-time human being.
Like, you know, the number one challenge for everybody in this room as a parent is, are you willing to build self-esteem into your children without it becoming delusion? How do you make somebody confident, but not entitled? How do you make somebody feel like they can be anything while having humility? That's some fucking gangster shit.
And Tamara Vaynerchuk did that with ease with me. Then there was also the compound, in fact, that we got to leave the Soviet Union, we came to America. You know, like, I was an 80s baby. You know, I don't know if my mom was parenting me today in this new world where parents are all up in their fucking kids shit, would I be the same person?
Because the other thing that made me was not Tamara. It was the streets of Edison, New Jersey. Like, I think that who I am today would be different if I didn't get into fights in middle school. Right?
I think one of the biggest problems in the world is, I think kids shouldn't fight in each other more. I'm not joking. I think we're over coddling our children so much that like, I believe my epic trilogy of fights with O-Dead Winestock and Edison, New Jersey, and the 80s shaped me. Like, I grew up, you know, the reason everyone's talking so much shit on social media is when we talk shit in the 80s and the 80s in Jersey, somebody might punch you in the fucking map.
So you were in contrast to the shit that came out of your mouth. Now everyone's a fucking keyboard warrior and thinks they're a fucking tough guy. On the note of keyboard warriors, how do you recommend that someone responds emotionally to those comments? Let me pin you a scenario.
You wake up and you grab your phone and you start consuming content and you see something and you decide to make somebody feel bad because you're leaving the shitty comment on their content. Could you imagine a worse existence? It's simple. Like, if somebody's shitting on you in the comments and says you're stupid or you're ugly or you're listening to that, don't feel bad for you.
Feel bad for them. I don't know, I deal with it very easily. But you also have to be careful. The biggest reason people struggle with negative comments is because they believe the positive comments.
The reason I'm able to deal with so much negative comments is because when people say I'm the greatest, I don't believe them either. The reason so many people are vulnerable is they have selective enjoyment of the comments. When people say you're awesome, you're like, yeah. Which means when people say you're shit, you're like, yeah.
And for me, I just don't believe it at all in either direction. I'm not here for the validation or the tear down. I'm here for the process. So the competition in the game of business, is that what you call the process?
Yeah, I love the game of business. I love sports. Sports is the best because there's a score in somebody one. You know?
Like, I love that shit. It's why I hate eighth place trophies. Like, you're teaching kids that losing is bad when it's great. Like, I love when kids cry when I lose.
I'm being good serious. You show me a nine-year-old who starts crying the second day he lost. I'll show you a kid that I'm ready to hire on a fucking spot. People don't be in source sport.
They fucking care. We're like trying to suck out all the good shit. Like, I love source sport. Don't make any noises and then push us together again.
I'm like, that kid's got it. Don't reprimand them. Clap them. I really believe in some of these dynamics.
I like competition. But if you love the game, one of the things that's interesting about loving the game, the way I do, you have to love it more than yourself. This all leads to the thing I spend a lot of time on, which is we are living in the greatest era of non-accountability of all time. It's the algorithm's fault.
It's your parent's fault. It's the government's fault. When the fuck is it you're fault? The single reason I'm happy every day is I think everything's my fault.
I'm being dead serious. If I'm unhappy, I can do something about it. You're mad at the government? Move.
You're in fucking Australia. And so if you really hate what the fuck is going on? Leave. Like, sitting around the table and shitting on politicians when you're not even voting is some fucking bullshit.
For the people that want to get started in building their reputation or brand, what are some of the steps that they can take if you're too nervous to even get in front of the camera? You know, I think, look, some people struggle with the camera. That's OK. Maybe you can write or maybe you can audio.
But if you're going from the camera, talk about what you know. But you don't need to be an expert. You're the expert of your life experiences. You've talked about anything.
And I highly recommend talking about stuff that you're interested in because it becomes sustainable. A lot of people fail because they talk about stuff they think money will be in. You know, the amount of people that I've physically watched in the last four years go from cannabis experts to NFT experts to real estate experts. I mean, these fucking, now they're fucking AI experts.
I mean, like, fucking assholes. The only thing they're experts at is suck it. And because it's selfish, when you put expert in your name, it's almost immediately an indicator that you want other people's money. Why do you think people sometimes reach a burnout state?
Burnouts complicated. Look, the theme of this talk so far before we go to Q&A, I think people burnout because they're not doing their thing. Right? Like, we all burnout.
Like, if you ask me to hang a picture right now on a wall, I'd be burned out by the time I got to the hammer. That's not my thing. I don't want to do that shit. Right?
Like, I'm exhausted. I can work 19 hours a day. I could literally do this in front of this audience for the next 48 hours straight and not sleep. You ask me to go walk the dog, I'll be sleeping within a second.
I don't want to do that. So I think the reason people burnout is because they're not doing their thing. Normally people are not doing their thing because they got trapped by the money. Either the chase of it or they're making and now they're living within the means of that money and they're stuck.
They're like, Gary, you can't quit my job. Like, you could if you decided to stop spending the same amount of money that you spend on yourself. You could sell your house. You could.
But nobody wants to go backwards. Meanwhile, they're mentally backwards every day. People are not going backwards financially. Moving back in with their parents, selling their shit.
Stop. They're not going backwards financially to be unhappy their whole life. You know, fuck up, that is. And nobody's talking about this shit in a real way because everything's been commercialized.
People are literally like unhappy so they can buy a movie with a time bag, which gives them a boost for about an hour and a half. And they're back to being fucking miserable. A big change that you mentioned in your book 12 and a half is candor. Can you explain that a little bit?
You know, my great struggle in the first 40 plus years of my life was being candorous, which is ironic because on stage, I'm a beast. This has been a great 15 minutes of candor. But one on one, the more I cared about you, the less I was likely to be candorous. And that really is the true personality trait that has led to the most unhappiness and most detrimental in my career.
And so I myself what I'm going to add, I'm marketing to myself. And I created a concept and a word called kind. And by looking at candor as something that I've kindnessed in it, it's really changed the way I've acted. And so I think for a lot of people in this room, they have a lot of resentment towards people, and they have a lot of things not working because they haven't been able to actually tell something about the truth about how they actually feel.
This is why couples therapy works. This is, it gives a framework of safety to be candorous. This is why candor is very powerful. And I really demonized it because my father is actually very candorous, but he would deliver it with extremely negative.
Today, it's something I'm much better at. And it has had a humongous positive effect on my life, my ability to up my candor game. I'm still a four or five out of ten. But going from a one or two out of ten, it's been a big difference.
And I highly recommend for people in this room who struggle with candor to really, really try and start practicing. It hurts. Same things to people that you really care about that are negative is just so important to me. But it's been a huge addition to my life and I'm glad I haven't.
I'm glad I haven't. Are there any tips that you've used to begin those conversations with staff members or family members? I don't know if you were scared to swim or ride a bike or have your first kiss. But like, you know, it's just one of those games where you just got to fucking go.
Like, that's still how candor is for me. Like, up to the second where I call an employee to tell them they're in big trouble and they may not make it here. Like, my stomach is like, this sucks, but this, you know, basically just got to jump. And that's where, it's crazy.
It's practice. It's no different than pushups or anything you do. Like, the more practice you get better at it, it's crazy to me in these last three years how much easier it is for me to go there. I mean, it used to be, I used to like not sleep the night before by telling an employee that they were fired.
It would kill me. Like, kill me. It's the hardest part of being a business owner by far for me in my career, firing people. It's the worst.
And so I don't have that single of anxiety anymore. I'm better at it. I also, I also think we're doing a better job as an organization of giving feedback along the way so they're not shocked. The problem with candor and a business environment is if you don't give it at all, you're just stunning people.
And I was the worst of the worst. Not only would I not tell you that you were struggling for the last six months, I was fucking doing the reverse. There'd be people where I'm like, this is the worst employee I've ever had. Let's call him Johnny.
I'm like, Johnny fucking sucks. Like, I need a meeting with like a hot leader. I'm like Johnny's fucking trash. I go to the bathroom and see Johnny, like Johnny, keep up the great fucking work.
I'm like fuck, I'm like, you know, like, John, you're killing it. And then like next Tuesday I'm like Johnny, I'm like, motherfucker, you told me I was killing it Friday. I'm like, I'm like, I'm sorry. That's the tough 25 years.
It was really, really, it was, it was really, I like using curriculum, because I'm really unlucky. I do feel like I have super man like characteristics when it comes to business life. I'm really, really fortunate. Fuck, am I fortunate?
But that motherfucker, that was a fucking scarlet letter. And it is absolutely where all my personal pain comes in my life, professionally and personally. And I'm really glad I'm building the other direction. And I think for any of you, whatever personality trait you're struggling with, like, you're not tricking anyone.
You know, I think the thing that people need to hear. You may be thinking that you're disguising your insecurity. You might trick the 98%, but you're not tricking the real ones. So stop posturing and start working on it.
You need to really quickly realize that if you're, and by the way, most people sitting here beat themselves up and don't love themselves, but you need to realize it. It's, actually, let's have a real moment. No bullshit. I know this is hard, but do this for me because I'm feeling something.
Awesome, real shit. How many people feel in this room by a show of hands that they beat themselves up and they're tough as critic and they shit on themselves? Raise your hand. Now this is very important.
You have to hear this. It's not you. You don't shit on yourself. Someone put that in you.
You have to understand this. You don't hate yourself. You don't think you suck. You're not the imposter.
You're not insecure. Somebody taught you that. The second you understand that truth, you can understand that you do not love yourself. You've got to find it.
And this is very important. And you have to fucking understand this. You do not hate yourself. You do not think you suck.
You just got unfortunate that somebody in your life created that framework. But before you're pissed at your mom or your dad, this is very important. This is why my favorite quote from V con this year, which was fuck your grandparents, is very important. As I'm watching people get emotional in the crowd, don't get mad at your parents because something is that to them.
You understand? Please, I'm telling you, you don't hate yourself. You don't think you suck. You don't think you're shit.
It was put in you. And you've got to start the process of understanding you do love yourself. That somebody else's judgment on themselves created your framework of judging yourself. And you can get out of this fucking hole.
And then once that happens, once you love yourself, it's fucking game over. When I tell you, when you love yourself, everything's good. Nothing's scary. It's all gravy.
You're winning good. You're losing good. This good. That good.
I remember when like, man, when you love yourself, I remember growing up, if like a girl didn't like me back, I'm like, you fucked up. What are some social media tactics that you would recommend right now? Facebook Reels. You know, if you're not posting on Facebook Reels and you're only posting on Instagram and you're only posting on Instagram and you're ticked after making a huge mistake, there's a wide open space of attention on Facebook Reels.
LinkedIn. Most people are not posting on LinkedIn. LinkedIn is acting like Facebook did 10 years ago. Those two stand out tremendously.
The third one is the concept of creating frameworks so you can get content, meaning doing a podcast, not so the podcast gets to be super successful, but because you're doing a podcast, you're able to get three or four pieces of content for your social. Right? A lot of you know that follow me. Mind me, I don't make content.
I'm just like, you know, Julian's filming right now and like I speak for the content. I podcast for the content and so putting yourself in a position. I do tea with Gary Vee, which I'm thinking about bringing back for the content.