The Revolutionaries (w/ Bill Schulz) - #3

What if you’re just … born wrong? (No, I don’t mean the darling little girl to the right.)You may know Bill Schulz through his years toiling as Greg Gutfeld’s “repulsive sidekick” on ye olde Fox News late-nite WTF show Red Eye (on which all of your co-hosts, and several of our guests, got some valuable reps back in the day). You may know Bill through his years on Compound Media doing shows with the also-if-differently-than-Bill hilarious Joanne Nosuchinsky Goodhart. You should know Schulz for his terrific lad-mag writing; you definitely know him for his way-back-when appearances on Fifth Column Episode #79 & at our sloppy second live show in Miami in 2021.But what you almost certainly didn’t realize until THIS VERY MOMENT is that William Dawes Schulz is the 7th great-grandson and namesake of a man who played a key if now mostly forgotten role at the outset of the American Revolution: William Dawes.Yes, as teased on our previous “Revolutionaries” episode with the great Jack Henneman about the even greater Paul Revere, there were other midnight riders besides the original Raider, and chief among them was poor Bill’s comparatively portly predecessor. So in the spirit of equal time, and because you need to hear about what happened when a Red Eye derelict brought some gay-bar humor and William Dawes apologia to the Paul Revere House, here is who my youngest daughter calls “Crazy Cigarette Man” to defend historical enthusiasm, and avenge his family’s name.* Heckling Coco* Licensed to tour* Turtle Bays all the way down* Did Dick Allen sign the Declaration?* 1776, the musical gateway drug* A failure at school (life?), except for history* “I am not related to a famous person. I’m related to William Dawes.”* “This was our social network back then. That’s all. You had dudes on horses.”* Would it kill Moynihan? Fingers crossed!* Dr. Joseph Warren, spymaster* Revere is to Sam Malone what Dawes is Norm* But Dawes started first!* These aren’t the rebels you’re looking for* Ode to Brown Beauty* Revere captured, Dawes thrown, Prescott keeps going* “When I was younger, I was very angry at that poem”* The first rule of the Boston Tea Party is….* Matt’s grandma has a cooler name than your grandma* Charles Gates Dawes, #NeverForget* “And then every once in a while, I’d sort of give it to Paul Revere. And that did not go over well” … at the PAUL REVERE HOUSE.* This is why you can’t have nice things, Bill Schultz!* “Philadelphia and Boston, as annoying as they are, they hold onto their history a lot better than this city.”* Hit it & quit at the James Brown House!* Semiquincentennial junketeering* Ken Burns, anarchist* Is Bill really recommending this Ann Coulter book? (Bookshop / Amazon) * George Washington’s Hair: How Early Americans Remembered the Founders, by Keith Beutler (Bookshop / Amazon) The Fifth Column (A Podcast) is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Follow The Fifth ColumnYouTube: @wethefifthInstagram: @we.the.fifthX: @wethefifthTikTok: @wethefifthFacebook: @thefifthcolumn This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.wethefifth.com/subscribe