The Shock of Harmony

My partner greatly contributes to my well-beingBut he is not who I would’ve chosen for myself.My younger self romanticized a partner who was dazzlingI worked backstage at a music venue in my youth. It was a lot of fun.I quickly adapted to proximity to influenceI expected to be in the center of arts and cultureLaughing with a glass of champagne in one handWatching world-class musicians sitting on the couch playing Beatles songsI expected a flashy lifeMy husband is not flashyI knew him for months and would not have considered dating himHe was a bit quiet for meIncredibly understatedVery laid backIt was not until Janet Goings came back after a three week business trip to Japan with him and saidHe is ‘the best person to travel with’Did I open to seeing him in a different wayAnd it was like a bell being struckI had dated many wonderful, charismatic menWith often turbulent dynamicsI’d traveled with severalAnd it was usually fraughtSomeone wonderful to travel with piqued my interestSo, I gave him a shot.The harmony I experienced in our relationship was almost a shockNot only “not turbulence”But actual harmonyRespectful, mutual care and active appreciationNot flashyBut very compellingI was, actually and literally, surprised every day for the first decade of my marriageLow-key waiting for reality to set inThe honeymoon to wear offThe low-level discord to creep inWhat I didn’t fully realizeWas that we came from two different relational orientationsI hadn’t even known his existedI grew up with fiery, maybe contentious communicationYelling was not uncommonDefending one’s rightness was the dynamicMy husband speaks his words, quietly and curiouslyBecause of thatI have never felt like he was questioning my goodness Even if he was inquiring about a choice or behavior he didn’t care forHe’d ask me about itHe didn’t challenge me over itHe’d ask how I got to that conclusionAnd then listen while I explained what I was thinkingHe did this so many times, so gently and so consistentlyHe taught me to, tooPrior to himI thought disagreement necessarily involved discordThe idea that the other person wasn’t somehow attacking or invalidating me?I’d really never imagined itBecause of this, we could address things when they were tinyWith curiosityHis communication style set a field of safety I’d never imaginedBut it didn’t come fully formedIt came as a budAfter Janet planting the seedAnd, it’s true, he really is great to travel with.Once we went to Sicily, where my grandfather built a shrineAnd on the ferry ride thereMy husband was on the bow with all the Italian day-trip truck driversAt first, he thought dozens of fights were about to break out.All these guys in each other’s space, gesturing wildlyTheir facial expressions -My husband’s Swedish. That’s not the way his people converse.Watching the whole ordeal unfold uneventfullyHe eventually recognized they were just Sicilians talking about sports and the weather.He laughed. At them. At himself.At how what looks dangerous to one person might be commonplace to anotherWhen we re-joined, he said, “I think I understand your family better”‘Yeah, Welcome to my world,’ I said‘And I’m so glad you introduced me to yours’ This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com