The Unfolding Podcast - Season 2 - Episode 3

Welcome back. Last episode we talked about... My phone is ringing and someone's knocking at the door.Of course I hit record and all that happens. Last episode we talked about image management, about performing, about shrinking, about becoming the version of ourselves that felt the safest at that time. Today's episode goes hand in hand because once you take the mask off, you're left with a terrifying and beautiful question.Will I dare to be seen?Welcome to the Unfolding Podcast. I'm your host and friend, Yvonne Wink, and I'm really glad you're here.Here's what's interesting about today's episode. See, I believe we're all asking that very question right now. I see it in my everyday conversations with various clients and friends and family and, you know, we see it, we see that language floating around. We may not be asking it out loud, but culturally and collectively, it's everywhere. It's out.You know, like I said, these terms are floating around through the internet and social media platforms. The term main character energy, right? Be the plot twist, the glow up, the comeback story, and romanticizing your life. Don't get me wrong, I love all of this. I am in for all of it. We have all these phrases though, trying to describewhat it means to show up differently. But I sat with this and I was asking myself, what does that really mean? Is it pulling me back into that image management that I had spent so many years in, right? Protecting that narrative and putting out the perception that I needed everyone to understand about me.So I started to think about these phrases and these terms that are floating all over right now, this language. I like them, it sounds great, I'm in, I'm in for all of it. Because I get hyped up when I hear romanticize your life. I love that, I do. I redecorated my room, I buy myself flowers every week, beautiful roses, I switch them out pink and white. I take myself out to dinners and.and just really enjoy myself, candlelights and drinking, you know, out of my wine glasses, even my water in there. And so I'm in, I even like when people say, you really got main character energy. I'm like, you know what I do. But it's cool, right? I love it. But how do we live them without turning that into another performance? Because I know for sure I don't ever want to go backwards. So.That's why it was important for me to bring this topic to your ears today. That's what we're gonna talk about today. We're not chasing the trends, we're translating them. How about that? Let's translate them through psychology, through nervous system work, through lived experience in a grounded way, in a nervous system regulated, self-trusting, dare to be seen kind of way. Because that's what I do.Climb on board, here we go. I wanna give you, I wish you were here in person. This would be really fun to have this conversation. But I'm gonna give you my take on main character energy. And this is gonna be the grown woman translation. The first time I heard the phrase main character energy, it wasn't on social media or the internet or even a podcast. It was from my then 19, 20 year old daughter. She looked at me and said,Mom, dump him. You're so main character energy and he's like pulling total supporting cast. Let him go.That line alone could carry the room, but to know her is to love her. We all know who I'm talking about. Main character energy, it sounds dramatic. It sounds like you're walking in slow motion. This is how I visualize it. Like we're walking in slow motion with background music playing and, but what if it's simpler than that? What if main character energy is just this? It's just showing up.for your own life. Not waiting to be invited, not waiting to be chosen, not even waiting to be ready. Moving, sifting through and past the people and things that are no longer in alignment. Shh, it looks like saying yes.I've learned something in these last five years on this wild roller coaster journey of mine, that I've learned that fear isn't the enemy. Fear can actually be useful. It can protect you. It can save your life, right? If it's calibrated correctly, it can 100 % save your life.But unexamined fear, whew. Unexamined fear, that is what keeps you small. See, I've also learned this as I study human behavior. Most people aren't afraid of failing. They're afraid of being visible.of stepping out of the shadows that once kept them protected, of no longer hiding behind the versions of themselves that felt safe. What happens if I pivot left when everyone's going right? What happens if this new endeavor that I've been talking about and saving for and planning for, what if it all blows up in my face? What if thisdream that I've had on my heart for so long just fails. What if I bring my work to the world and it's not understood by others? What if I end up alone?Most people aren't afraid of failing. They're afraid of being seen trying. They're afraid of being seen wanting and desiring, being seen growing and hurting, failing, even evolving. That's the real fear. It's not just failure. It's that people will see the failure happen. It'll that they'll seeus in an emotional breakdown state. They'll see us hurting.they'll see us, the visibility. Because visibility means vulnerability. And vulnerability means that you may just be judged. yeah. Or misunderstood.up, you know, causing chaos and anger in someone? Rejected? And if you've ever been rejected or caused someone to be so upset with you, your nervous system remembers that.So of course it hesitates. Of course it screams, stop, no, this won't work. But here's the small little shift. Daring to be seen doesn't mean you have to be loud. It just means that you get honest. Some days daring to be seen looks bold. It looks like speaking up in a meeting, wearingthat thing that you love wearing. Cutting off your hair.posting something that you wrote.sharing that selfie and some days it looks like getting out of bed when you didn't want to.maybe answering that email.going to therapy, not texting him back.Choosing water over booze.Maybe taking a walk instead of spiraling. All of that counts. Revolution, change, it doesn't have to be cinematic. Sometimes it's quiet survival. Sometimes it's the quiet voice inside that says, I'm still here. And that whisper, that's courage.And maybe that's what real main character energy is. Not the spotlight, not the dramatic entrance, but the quiet decision to stay in your own story, to keep showing up, to keep choosing yourself, even when no one is clapping, even when everyone is doubting. That to me is the lead role.And when you finally accept that you are the lead, something powerful in you shifts. You stop performing for an audience and you start evolving for yourself. You start growing and learning all for yourself.That's where this phrase, this phrase comes in, be the plot twist. Have you heard that? The internet says, pardon me. It's a shock them, right? Shock factor, glow up, come back better, look hotter, do some complete makeover from head to toe, make them regret it. And listen, I get it.What I started to really understand about that is that still centers around them. That energy still requires someone else to notice, to react, to validate the transformation that took place. But that's your work.That evolved version? Be the plot twist you never saw coming. How about that? Not louder, but just calmer. Not even reactive, but responsive.The real plot twist is subtle. You don't over explain because your no is enough. You don't argue for clarity anymore because confusion is information, right? No response is a response. You don't chase inconsistency because alignment feels better than adrenaline. And you detach from drama.because you've worked so hard to create that peace in your life. And peace is more attractive than chaos.Here's the really cool science behind that. When you stop feeding adrenaline loops, what happens is you stop rehearsing arguments in your head and you stop chasing emotional chaos, your brain starts to rewire itself. Neural pathways that once lit up for conflict, they begin to silence, they begin to chill out and quiet. Your nervous system recalibrates.and what once felt exciting or exhilarating or something that you were connected to and thriving and craving, that behavior starts to feel exhausting and you don't want to do it anymore.Drama addiction fades. Peace starts to feel normal. That's neuroplasticity. That's emotional maturity. And that's your brain choosing the regulation over the reaction that it once used to do. And let me tell you something, this is not petty, it's growth. And that is the revolution that I'm talking about.I want to talk about another one of my favorite phrases and something that I've quietly become obsessed with. I said this a little earlier, romanticizing your life. I hear that a lot, right? And I wanted to break that down and not in an influencer way, but in a presence kind of way. Romanticizing your life isn't about aesthetics. It's about awareness. It's lighting that candle on.a random Monday night like tonight. It's using that expensive wine glass for water. It's making your coffee slowly and enjoying every taste, every sip, instead of chugging while you're scrolling or not even being present while you're drinking it.buying yourself flowers and redecorating your room without having to post about it.It's taking a long way home because, well, you can.And maybe it's about booking that solo flight because, well, you want to.It's not about looking like you have a beautiful life. It's about experiencing a beautiful life.Here's something that we need to say out loud. I've heard this before. I believe it's a quote and I can't remember who it is, but, and when I do, I always butcher it. So I won't. But the notion is comparison is the thief of joy. I love that saying and I live by it often. The internet makes it easy to think someone else's glow means that there's less light available for you. And that's scarcity.And scarcity is belief that there isn't enough. Not enough success, not enough love, not enough attention, not enough good men, right? Not enough room at the table. It's a nervous system state. And when you're dysregulated, you compare. When you're regulated, you create.A regulated nervous system, it doesn't compete. It doesn't need to compete. What it does when it's regulated, when your nervous system is regulated, it begins to expand. And you get to believe, you believe more. You believe that there is room for all of us to grow, for all of us to evolve, for all of us to own homes, buy cars, start podcasts, write books. Your joy doesn't diminish mine. We work side by side. We work together.And daring to be seen means enjoying your life without asking anyone for freaking permission. And without, certainly without waiting for someone else to shrink. I don't need you to be less than so that I can be bigger. There's room for all of us.Have you heard that phrase, this version of me, dot, dot, like fill in the blank type thing? I love that phrase too. I'm not mad at it, but not as a flex. I really don't. I actually look at that statement, this version of me, I look at it as a boundary because what I've been able to create in my life is this version of me doesn't fill in the blank, right? Doesn't over explain anymore.I don't stay where I feel small. I don't argue for my worth. I don't beg to be seen. I don't pretend confusion is chemistry. I used to call it mystery or depth.or he's just complicated guys. But my body was anxious. I was decoding texts, signs, confusing messages, reading tone shifts, explaining away red flags. Now, if I have to analyze you more than I enjoy you, it's a wrap for you, friend. If it's not chemistry, it's chaos, and chaos is not connection. And guess what, bud?You're out of here. That's dysregulation dressed up as passion. This version of me, this version of me speaks clearly the first time. She says what she says. She leaves earlier, sleeps in more, sleeps in her silk PJs, laughs louder, protects her peace above all else.and none of that happened overnight. It happened through these tiny micro shifts, these micro decisions that I began making, these daily ones, and it was slow, slow burns. They were really unimpressive initially. I started doubting my doubts before I doubted my truth, because we can get stuck on all the what ifs, you know, and, but what?about getting stuck on the possibilities? What about getting completely stuck and ruminating on all of the possibilities that await you?I started sitting in silence long enough to hear what I actually needed, not what I was trained to tolerate. Because most of the time, if not all, your intuition is accurate.It's your fear that's loud. It's the fear that's running its mouth in your ears. Fear speaks fast. It's running. It's kind of like those slick guys juggling using their hands and toes and tongue and eyeballs. They're juggling, right? And they're talking quickly so that you can't sit still long enough to study them and learn them. That's Intuition, that speaks steady. It's grounded. It's calm.Fear sounds urgent. Intuition sounds clear. Fear protects the familiar and intuition protects your alignment. And daring to be seen means learning the difference, not silencing the fear, but letting it drive. Hey fear, you can come in, but you're gonna have to sit in the back seat there and shh, because I'm going places.Somewhere in all of this, daring to be seen became my theme last year. Not because I love being seen, because those of you that truly know me know that I, if I'm being completely honest, I don't. I don't like putting myself out there because I know I'm weird and quirky. And my whole, you know, game was like, oh gosh, please don't let anyone know. Well, it turns out everyone did know already, so whatever. But I did, I got tired of playing small. I was.I was tired of shrinking to stay comfortable. I was tired of checking my tone and making sure that I was saying everything correctly so I wasn't making others feel uncomfortable.My mom had dreams of traveling the world. And she passed away before she ever got a chance to do that. And in that, something in me realized, if I don't go, if I don't try, if I don't show up, if I don't put my interpretation out, my work out, I'm not just staying small. I'm abandoning myself.And so last year I committed to daring to be seen. Speaking before I was fully confident and even applying before I felt qualified. Booking the damn flight, trying that thing, failing, letting myself be witnessed mid growth. You're all, you're all standing by watching this. Me.allowing myself to be witnessed mid growth. And I'm telling you something, it's uncomfortable. It is. But that discomfort, it's also expansion. Daring to be seen is vulnerable. You don't have to be the loudest in the room. You just have to be present in your own life. And something else I've learned. I've learned that when I rose up and said,I'm daring to be seen. It started in my body. It's not wearing something bigger, bolder, louder. It's about regulating yourself enough that you don't shrink, that you don't even feel the need to shrink. It's walking into rooms wondering if you belong, right? That's what I'm saying. It's not that. It's not walking into rooms wondering if you belong. I walk into rooms and I just take a deep breath.Drop my shoulders, unclench my jaw. I slow my pace by, well, I don't know, 10 % because I can ramble and talk fast and as soon, my brain and mouth don't always catch up. They're not always in sync, but I'm learning to make eye contact and hold it just a few seconds longer when I walk into rooms. See, the old me would walk in places scanning.Who do I need to be when I'm here? Is my outfit okay? How many times have I said and like?New me walks in asking, how do I want to feel when I'm here?That's daring to be seen. Not performing. Just present.Here's a little neuroscience behind it. When your body signals safety, guess what happens? Your brain follows. Yeah. Confidence is often just a regulated nervous system. When everything started to chill out in my life and I started being able to breathe and regulate my nervous system, I noticed this confidence emerging that I was, where is this coming from? Right? Am I qualified? I went through all those, butI realized that the confidence was just my regulated nervous system. It wasn't arrogance. It wasn't even, it wasn't volume. It was regulation. It wasn't even qualification sometimes. It's walking into that room and not shrinking. It's staying rooted in your own presence. It's choosing not to disappear.Regulated people don't need to be loud. They stay. Not staring to be seen.What I've learned recently is the glow up isn't about impressing anyone because listen, I've learned this. I've probably pissed off more people than I've impressed. But what I'm no longer afraid of anymore is being seen, is speaking my truth, is making mistakes, is fumbling and stumbling over my words, is speaking from my heart that truth straight from my heart.Even if it's messy at times, even mid growth, even if it doesn't always make sense. Because for me, it's now about alignment. It's about our insides finally matching our outsides. It's about our words and our actions finally being congruent and aligning. It's about trusting yourself to be visible, not perfect, visible.You don't need dramatic reinventions. You just need small, brave, tiny little moments. A sentence just spoken honestly. just a simple, I have no idea, that answer. A boundary that you're holding very calmly. Maybe a dream pursued quietly.Dare to be seen.Even if your voice shakes, even if you're not fully ready, even if all you did today was open your eyes and wake up, you haven't even rolled over yet. That counts. I promise.So now, if you're somewhere, you can. Place your hand on your heart. Take one slow breath in.and let it out. And then repeat after me. I do not need to perform to belong.I am allowed to take up space.I trust myself enough to be visible.I dare to be seen.One more breath.This is your life. Show up for it.I'm your host and friend, Yvonne Wink. Thank you so much for being here. If this touched your heart... Whoa, that was loud.If this may just sit up a little straighter, breathe a little deeper, or just feel a little braver, would you do me a favor? Share this with someone who's ready to be seen too. Have an incredible day. Until next time. Get full access to Yvonne Wink at theunfoldingpodcast.substack.com/subscribe