Things I Resisted That Turned Out Well

Today I am feeling like a complete and utter failureIt is uncomfortableI have a lot of ideas about how I can potentially move forwardBut I am overwhelmed in this momentIn part by all that I have planned and yet not doneLike get a job. WTF. How can it be this hard?Anyhow, when we’re overwhelmed like thisWorking on big projects just isn’t possibleBut working on something small can be very helpfulSomething too small and familiar to fail(this is why games like candy crush captivate people’s attention for hours on end)Anyhow, there has been one little thread I droppedIn the first weeks of this substackI’m going to pick upIt’s small. Manageable.It may be interesting, it may not be, but it won’t be hanging there anymore.Two very significant entries as I laid the foundation of this documentarySet the stage for my trying to give myself spaceThat what feels awful in the momentMay become a true blessingDemonstrations that resistance to life is where the suffering residesA reminder I can use right about nowThe first of these entries, Part One, was about a second surgery for my dog.And had a bonus fractal lesson from a minivan salesman named Lester Brown.Part Two involved pharmaceutical intervention for rheumatoid arthritisAfter more than a decade of devotion to more natural methods.I’d said there was a Part Three but never wrote it.So here it is:Hip surgery.Arthritis ravaged my joints for years, always bilaterallyBut my left hip had a hard stopI had a slight limp (I call it slight. Sometimes it was more than that)But, I couldn’t do child’s poseI tried all kinds of yoga therapy, moved to tai chi, qigong, massage…Nothing helped at allThis was during my ‘avoiding relying on western medicine’ phaseBut I went to the doctor for an xray to see if there was a structural deformity causing the impedimentShe laughed out loudI think she said something like“that’s like asking me to inspect your smoke detectors while your house is on fire”She put me on the list for a replacementAnd I figured i’d just defer when my name came upI had no intention of getting a hip replacementBut it was bone on boneHaving deteriorated gradually after a ski accident I had in 1998Which led to a back surgery in 1999But my hip didn’t catch anyone’s eye then.So, as my limp got worseAnd the pain grew I had changed my tune by the time my name came up for a total hip replacementAnd so i got the surgery, much to the distress of my naturopathI bit the bulletAnd was walking upright the very next day.My volunteer job colleagues didn’t recognize me when I got back to workI was much taller than they rememberedMore stableLess fragileAnd i haven’t had a moments problem with my hip since.Little side note:That ski accident in 1998?I DID NOT want to go skiing that dayI was pressured into it by the three people I was withI paid dearly and for decades for not listening to myselfWhenever I think about it, I vow to heed my inner wisdomAnd I’ll admit:I’m getting better at it. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com