This Autistic Elder Looks Back… without Shame

If you’re drawn to the raw experience born of neurodivergence, disability, trauma… or just honest storytelling that doesn’t sanitize the hard parts… Maybe this one’s for you. With full transcript, video, original artwork.Family leaves marks on you. Some visible, some not. Hell, just breathing-while-autistic… in the adult world… does a number.“Couldn’t you at least make it, Profano?” says my wife-to-be. Adding, “Who wants to be called ‘Profane??’”Conversations about changing my last name… I mean, who knew it was supposed to be a “couples conversation”?Not this smartass, but-naive-as-hell, 58-year-old autist. Not sitting on someone else’s couch. That we happen to be surfing in a backwoods Greene County, Indiana cabin.Um. I guess, my bad. But…I was busy reeling from losing my fourth or fifth career, estrangement from my family of origin, a forced 700-mile relocation… by bus… to Indiana,my new relationship with my future wife and family,joblessness, and homelessness…in under 6 months.And I never did the whole unspoken-rule thing well. Ya know, auDHD? So really not on my best game that day.I’m not ashamed. I’m not broken…“I gotta make a br-break,” I start sputtering. “They’ll tell themselves stories. They’ll make up shit. M-Make me a demon.”“They?” Her eyebrow arches. The eyebrow that raised 7 kids.This is 2011. I don’t have enough words in that moment to tell her who “they” are. Pretty much every relationship, teacher, job, and cause I’d walked out of. In my already long, getting-longer-fast life.“I’m not ashamed. I’m not broken. I don’t have a fucking clue where I’m headed. But this is who I am. I gotta own… my self.” I kinda hear myself say that. Out loud. Catches me up short.Then, after a thoughtful beat, I mutter, “Right in their faces.”My wife has a bit to say. About changing her name to “Profane.” I have a bit too much to say in my dig-in-my-heels response. We had some wild moments back then…After a few months, I went the stagename route, Johnny Profane. Kept the potential marriage alive through compromise. But still managed to keep the “in their faces” intact.Cuz family… and the life after… leave marks on you. Some visible. Some not.I choose to wear them in plain sight…Shamelessly.I choose to wear them in plain sight…Shamelessly.This piece is what it means to me to live without apology. I got some things right, got some things wrong. And somehow kept stumbling forward anyways.​This piece draws from real moments… scaling Mount Marcy the night Elvis died in 1977,leaving family behind 34 years later, complicated relationships that never quite resolve.I was finally diagnosed autistic at 63. It’s been almost 10 years. So I wrote this.Full Text Transcript.So I call this one, Shameless.Watch the 3+ minute performance (headphones recommended):Content Note: language, family estrangement, ableism, trauma, homelessness + opinions & experiences of one autistic elder.ShamelessLive long enoughYa get a lot right,Get a lot wrong.Get to knowWell enoughYa can’t be a saintLurking in shadow…Living life perfectlyShameless.Shameless?Oh let me beShameless…No sun setsOn a painless life,So no moon shinesOn a stainless wife.Oh let me be… comeShameless.Scaling Mount MarcyThat night as Elvis died,Got branded a MountebankAs my sister grew colder.Stalking Death ValleySame sister… now dead… to meSame stars… chill my shouldersNow living life perfectlyShameless…Shameless.Oh let me beShameless…No peak capsAn aimless life,And no grave ever filledBy a blameless knife.Oh let me be… comeShameless.No mask hidesThe pain in life,So no words canExplain my fight.So, let me Be… come…Shameless.FadeoutI hate it. I love that one…That’s the whole thing, isn’t it. Living with both at once.CHAPTERS:0:00 — Introduction0:11 — Shameless (the poem begins)MORE SPOKEN WORD:I share more pieces like this at AutisticAF Out Loud on Substack: https://johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/p/spoken-word-poetryGET THE CHAPBOOK:“every clock is a handgun pointed at my head” — art and poetry collection available on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/every-clock-handgun-pointed-head-ebook/dp/B0FNLHC6SYABOUT THIS WORKJohnny (Knapp) Profane Âû spoke at the UN World Autism Acceptance Day in 2022 about his illustrations rooted in neurodivergence. Published in Wordgathering (journal of disability poetry & literature), Neuroclastic, and Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism. In a former life, founding publisher of Unix World magazine. Living in rural Indiana in a trailer across the courtyard from his wife. With his 2 dogs, cat, and an unwavering commitment to raising hell, autistic style.​#SpokenWord #DisabilityPoetry #AutisticPoet #NeurodivergentArt #FamilyTrauma #AutisticAF #PoetryPerformance #MentalHealthAwareness #ActuallyAutistic #RawPoetryConnect:* Drop a comment — What does family life look like for you?* Hit the “follow” bell for new releases#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click for a free subscription to receive new posts… and a free PDF of my Amazon chapbook of poetry. To support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Support AutisticAF.me here: Paypal · Ko-Fi · Facebook Pay “Johnny Knapp Âû”https://ko-fi.com/autisticaf This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe