This is a test to see how much you actually love yourself

/ To watch this post via video, scroll to the bottom! And more adlib commentary /Imagine a door, and behind the door there’s a simple dark room with nothing inside. Before you go into the room, you have to lay these things outside the door:* All your achievements (school, career, creative projects, goals achieved, etc.)* All the things you do that you’re proud of (being a loving partner/parent/sibling/child, spiritual growth, acts of service, generosity, studiousness, ways you’ve sacrificed etc.)* What people love about your personality (humor, charm, boldness, etc.)* Desirability (how you are perceived from a conventional standard)And the inverse:* All of the achievements you don’t have and the goals that aren’t realized* All the things that you are not proud of (mistakes, betrayal towards yourself and others)* What people don’t like about your personality* Ways you don’t fit under desirability politicsLay each item on the ground outside of the room. Stack them up. Unload it all.And then I invite you to open the door and enter the room. Where all you’re met with is the stripped-down you.As you sit with this version of you:How do you feel?Are they familiar to you?What is it like to be in their presence?What sensations do you feel in your body?Observe and take note.All the things outside the door aren’t necessarily you or not you, but in this room you are met with nothing to point to…no plus or minus points that indicate your value. There’s nothing that you can stack to make a case to prove to yourself that you’re a good person or bad person. There’s no math you can do.So what does it feel to really sit with yourself? What does being in your own presence feel like?Is it uncomfortable? Does every second feel tense? Do you feel like getting up and exiting the room?Does it feel amazing to not have all the stuff distracting you from you?Does it feel void?Does it feel like a mix of comforting and confronting?We all love talking about how it’s important to love ourselves. And how we can tell if other people love themselves or hate themselves. And how people’s partners reveal how much a person loves themselves.But can we be honest with ourselves? Without all the evidence of our sainthood or depravity, do we actually love ourselves unconditionally?Can we afford ourselves the nuance of being human, where we free ourselves from being net positive?The energy of getting to net positive ruins the whole damn thing.There’s nothing to net positive to! That comes from a deeply punitive Christian god (or at least that’s where it stems from for me) where it’s this constant proving or performance of being a righteous and dutiful human.The thing about proving is that it cancels out the authenticity of a good deed. It nixes the chance of a soulful generosity. It robs us of acting from a deep root of liberation and love.It’s like giving a gift expecting something back. It robs the giver of the pleasure of gifting from joyfulness, because there are strings attached…and resentment is around the corner if the other person doesn’t obey according to the unspoken rules.Ironically, if we are going to do the math of our actions and hope to be net positive, the act of trying to be net positive is a negative!I just came back from 3 weeks in Thailand, and it’s given me an opportunity to look at my life from a different angle. I’m taking inventory.As I’m witnessing the horrendous attacks in Iran and the murder of so many children and adults, as I’m witnessing the violence against Black and brown people here in the belly of the beast, as I’m watching US/Israel commit mass murder through Palestine and Lebanon and Iran and the list goes on…it’s so clear. The path is totally unknown to me, but the clarity I feel in my body is unshakable. Imperialism and systemic greed is destroying everything physically and spiritually, and nothing is more important than opposing it and painstakingly carving out a new way.As long as my eyes are fixed on the north star, my role in the broader movement towards liberation for all is fixed. All I have to do is get low to the ground, stay rooted, and make decisions from a place of deep love. (Ew I’m throwing up writing this, but I mean it!)My true self love where I don’t exist to prove my worthiness or goodness, allows me to generously step into my part (even though it’s murky right now). It gives me permission to do it quietly or boldly or loudly or invisibly…it doesn’t matter, because I’m not doing the math from an internal or external level. What an honor to practice functioning from a place of possibility.Those things outside of the room are really important. It IS important for us to try our best to be responsible for our time here on earth, to be accountable, to cause as little harm as possible, to do art that shifts perspectives…all those things are what makes up a life. AND where my motivation and drive come from will determine the texture of my path.I always come back to this, but how are we supposed to have longevity in our communal effort for local and global liberation…if we can’t stand our own presence? The consequence needs to be held with weight. If we are leading from a place where we can’t be in the same room with ourselves, it means that the accountability, the boundaries, the wisdom, the care is off. We have the honor of doing things messily, and I’m not discounting that. There is no perfect moment where we are all healed enough to be in community. But we have to try to do our part.Self accountability means that you have to go into that room even when no one is watching. No one will affirm you or shame you into it…It takes drawing from our root to do practices in private so that when we are in relationship and community, there’s more possibility for true care and reciprocity. We need this more than ever right now.A phrase that keeps on circulating my system after coming back from Thailand is “I’m exactly where I should be right now.” I am exactly in the right place both physically and spiritually.When I go through that door after I slogged off all the stuff, I feel light. My presence is like sitting amongst a cute swirly airy cloud and my body is firmly rooted to the ground. I don’t always feel like this, but right now I do.Feeling deep soul peace in the middle of such empire violence is bizarre. I hope to protect this rootedness with my life and for it to guide my every move.I have so many other thoughts about how truly loving yourself will attract people who want to outsource their worthiness…and also how jealousy looks like love bombing at first. But that’s for another time!What does Liberatory Imagination spark in me today?A liberation that isn’t a far-off abstract idea. I want to see the full thing. The small ways it radiates in how I speak to myself, my chosen family, my community. In seeing strangers walking down my sidewalk and knowing they have everything they need. In witnessing the blooming of plant life in my neighborhood. I want to see it SO BIG! I want to know in a house across the oceans where kids are getting ready for school that they are generously afforded a vast future of creativity and discovery. I want to see systems that are put in place not to make the elites richer and more powerful, but truly for the people, where their health is prioritized and their future is abundant. I long to see it and right now I need to be attuned to what is asked of me.How to support me (thank you in advance):* Buy me a cup of coffee. Every bit counts! 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