Tough Love or Trauma Trigger? A New Approach to Addiction Recovery

Have you ever felt utterly helpless watching a loved one's life unravel from substance abuse? The shame, guilt, and fear can leave you paralyzed, uncertain of how to approach the situation without making it worse. If you've grappled with these heavy emotions, you're not alone. In this raw, transformative interview, Dr. Andrea Arlington courageously shares her family's brutal journey through her daughter's heroin addiction. With unflinching honesty, she exposes how tough love can be a trauma trigger that hinders addiction recovery, and offers a new approach for family healing focused on compassion and understanding.  Show Notes | Transcript "Tough love is often a type of communication where the person speaking is coming from an authoritative tone of voice. This approach can trigger shame, which drives the same areas of the brain as trauma does. When a person feels traumatized, they will want to pursue their escape." - Dr. Andrea Arlington Dr. Andrea Arlington is an expert in family system healing and addiction recovery, applying lessons learned from her own daughter's heroin addiction. Arlington's tender vulnerability intertwined with clinical mastery sheds light on the often-misunderstood struggle with substance use disorder. You'll emerge with a deeper grasp of addiction's insidious grip, renewed hope for guiding your loved one towards healing, and perhaps most importantly - the self-compassion to forgive yourself along the way. You'll walk away from this compelling conversation with: A profound understanding of why "tough love" dangerously backfires (and the compassionate alternatives that actually work) Practical, word-for-word scripts to communicate from the heart when your loved one is under the influence Eye-opening insights into generational patterns that can unknowingly perpetuate substance use disorders Powerful emotion regulation techniques to stay centered and present as you support your loved one's recovery A game-changing book recommendation packed with actionable steps tailored for families impacted by addiction If you or someone you care about is battling substance abuse, this conversation could be the lifeline you've been searching for. Resources: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) offers a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders: 1-800-662-HELP (4357) Related Podcast Episode: Dangers of High Potency Marijuana with Laura Stack (Pub. 1/17/22) Join the Soulful Women's Network Connect with Andrea Arlington: Website: andreaarlington.com Phone: (818) 532-8636 Connect with Live Love Engage: Send Gloria Grace a message ☕ Support the podcast ❤ Love this episode? Leave us a review and rating LinkedIn: Gloria Grace Rand Facebook: Gloria Grace Rand YouTube: Gloria Grace Rand TRANSCRIPT [00:00:00 - 00:00:09] One hit off of even weed can be laced with fentanyl. It could be the end of our child's life. [00:00:11 - 00:00:44] I am Gloria Grace Rand, founder of the Love Method and author of the number one Amazon bestseller Live Love Engage. How to stop doubting yourself and start being yourself. In this podcast, we share practical advice from a spiritual perspective on how to live fully, love deeply, and engage authentically so you can create a life and business with more impact, influence and income. Welcome to live love engage. [00:00:45 - 00:01:54] Namaste. You may not realize this, but tough love is actually more harmful than, you know, than not having tough love. And that's particularly when it is applied to children with substance abuse disorder. And today's guest learned that lesson the hard way from her own experience with her daughter's addiction. But before I bring her on to talk about that and what else to do instead of applying tough love, I want to welcome those of you who may be new to live love, engage. I am Gloria Grace, and I help female entrepreneurs attract more clients with calm, clarity and confidence by releasing negative thought patterns like self doubt and poor self worth. And joining us today is doctor Andrea Arlington, and she is an expert in family system healing and addiction recovery. And she empowers families with effective recovery techniques. So without further ado, I'm going to bring her on here and welcome you, Andrea, to live love, engage. [00:01:55 - 00:01:57] Thank you, Gloria. It's great to be here. [00:01:57 - 00:03:02] I, you know, this subject is, I wouldn't say near and dear to my heart, but it's something that I, I've got family history of alcoholism, thankfully not hard drugs, although my brother also did indulge in pot as well. But I know that you've unfortunately had some experiences with your daughter with much harder substances. But I thought, you know, and I know we'll kind of get into that, but I'd love for you to start off talking about this tough love perception that this is the way that we're supposed to handle, you know, people who are, I know in particular people who are in alcohol with alcoholism, you know, because I've been in Al Anon programs and things like that where, you know, they say, you know, you need to just let them be. So why is tough love harmful when you're dealing with children in your family who have substance use of disorder? [00:03:02 - 00:05:40] Well, thank you. Tough love is often a type of communication where the person who is speaking is coming from an authoritative tone of voice. Some of the language they're using is, you should. How could you? Why don't you, don't you know better? And it is delivered without a sense of power, with its power over. And when a person is spoken to like that, I don't know about you, but I know from my own experience, being in, in a family of origin where I was spoken to like that, you know, the, it triggers a sense of shame. And shame and guilt are a little different. And what I mean by shame is shame is you are bad, whereas guilt is you've done something that has been harmful and we can change it sort of mentality. Like, I've done something that's been harmful and I can change that. I feel guilty for my choice, but I'm not ashamed of who I am. And when shame is triggered in the brain, and it is triggered every time somebody is speaking over us with that authoritarian, you should type of attitude, shame drives the same areas of the brain as trauma does. When a person feels traumatized, they will want to pursue their escape. So that's one really good reason to be aware of this tough love, sort of, I'm going to let go, let you hit bottom in this day and age. For one thing, we're losing 312 people a day to overdose, and we can't afford to use that kind of tough love where we way where we say, well, we're just going to let them hit bottom and let go. Because one hit off of even weed can be laced with fentanyl. It could be the end of our child's life, you know? And so there's a big difference between what, what Al Anon used to be sort of focused on when it was originally sort of just not discovered. What's the word? I'm looking for it. [00:05:40 - 00:05:42] It's first set up, maybe when it. [00:05:42 - 00:06:51] Was first set up. Yeah, kind of, right. It was established in response to the men who drank in bars and, you know, their wives were get coming together and saying, we're not going to put up with this anymore. We're just going to let them hit bottom. This is unacceptable. I'm detaching. That was back in the early 1930s, and we can't ignore the fact that life has changed. And what's really sad, Gloria, is that the medical profession is not real well educated on other alternatives for helping our loved ones, not just our children, but our loved ones, to overcome substance use disorder. The first thing you'll hear is attend Al Anon program. And I know there's great things about Al Anon in terms of self care, but the approach to helping our loved ones is dangerous. Letting them go and letting them hit bottom is dangerous. [00:06:51 - 00:07:03] So what should we be doing instead of that. So instead of tough love, how can we help those we love to be able to be able to eventually get off? [00:07:06 - 00:14:51] Yeah, thank you for asking that. But honestly, what we want to do is we want to, first of all, understand that there's a reason that they're using substances, and it's not what we would automatically go to, which is, oh, it's, you know, pleasurable or they're just rebellious and they don't care about us. If they really loved me, these are my thoughts. When I was a mom of. I was also the wife of and the sister of my brother. I lost my brother to iv drug use and alcohol, and I lost, you know, and I had multiple relationships and a husband who was struggling with substance use disorder. And then I had my daughter and my foster daughter, who were IV heroin addicts. Okay. So now they're both eleven and 13 years sober. And it wasn't until my second daughter was getting. Was still using. My first daughter was already in recovery almost two years when my foster daughter was still out on the street, literally. And my daughter said to me, mom, you can't. Because I thought, you know what? I know a friend who actually is a Navy SEAL. I'm going to hire these Navy seals to go in and extract her from downtown LA and put her in a treatment program. Well, we had already put her in treatment several times, and that was not effective. So I don't know why I thought that would be effective. But my daughter and her husband, who were both in recovery, said, absolutely not, mom, that's not going to work. And her husband, who owned a treatment center, said to me, look, the most effective way to help her get well is to go and meet with her next time she calls. Yeah, do it. We had to wait till she called because she didn't have a phone....