Tug O' War: Drop Your End of the Rope

Tug of war is a well known game. Most of us know it, but I’ll explain it. You pull on one end against others who pull the other way.For a while the rope has quite a lot of tension until one side gets enough momentum to pull the other side over. The competition is fun with good natured friends or competitors.So why is the same game of tense resistance between you and your bully such a nightmare?Because competition between friends and good natured competitors is meant to build you up, but bullies always want to drag you down.The tension created in the rope can only be made through cooperation. Everyone plays so that both sides get to have a good time, connecting with others. The tension created between you and a bully is also cooperative, meaning they push or pull and you resist, but the reason it’s not good natured is it only builds the bully up while it drags you down. That’s why you must stop cooperating in the tension by dropping your end of the metaphorical rope.People think tension is bad because it causes stress or it’s the opposite of comfort, and they avoid it for that reason, but tension is actually a vital part of building strong bonds. Here’s the big point I’m trying to make: You wouldn’t support and nurture your relationship with a bully, so why then would you give it tension when tension helps just as much??Of course it’s natural to want to resist (push or pull against) a bully, but doing so provides them with the tension that keeps the cycle alive. This is why principles of bully food like lose to win, less is more, and be as boring as possible work in general.But as I said, I want to show you how to turn this metaphor into a specific strategy…How does dropping your end of the metaphorical tug o’ war rope differ from refusing to play, giving up, ignoring the bully or playing along with them?Timing.There are two ways to beat others at tug o’ war: You win, or you make your opponent lose by dropping the rope to make them fall.This is exactly the same when playing metaphorically. You can try to outperform the bully, or you can outsmart them.The second option is less honorable, but it is the bully we’re talking about.Just like with the real game, you build up the tension and then drop your end when they least expect it.This is different than ignoring them, or giving up/letting them win. It’s also different than losing because it’s choosing to use a jerk move, even if you end up losing. What you need to do is let there be a little bit of controlled tension, where they think they are getting to you.To drop the rope most effectively, you must allow a little tension to build up with false resistance. Then let the “rope” fall flat right at the moment they think you’re about to snap. HA! Gotcha!The cool thing is when you resist in a fake way, it makes any real resistance you might feel start to disappear.The best way to get better at this maneuver is to analyze your past moves with the bully.Ask yourself: How would I have felt differently if all my resistance had been fake? When would have been the perfect moment of tension to drop the rope?You can also watch shows and movies that feature bullies or mean teens. Look for tension between the characters. You can drop the tension between you and your bully whenever you like, and you will immediately diminish the bullying cycle. If you do it after setting them up with some false resistance, you’ll have the added bonus of watching them lose.