Two Weddings & A Chew Toy

We actually had two wedding ceremonies.One on the 2nd of October on our porch, and another on the 7th with guests at our friend’s homeAs with most holidays for our family, our anniversary is more of a season than a day.I was never in a hurry to get marriedAnd as I entered my 30’s and people inquired about my intentions I would say“When I really want to get married, I’ll volunteer for Habitat for Humanity for a month”I figured that was where I’d meet the kind of person I’d want to marry.When Tucker divulged that he spent his high school summersVolunteering for Habitat for Humanity.I thought, “Oh, thank God…he saved me a trip”I am a very helpful and resourceful personBut you do not want me building your house.Turns out my instinct was right on, though, and you know how that story continues…But, we had been told I wouldn’t be able to have children without extraordinary measuresAnd we had that conversation and decided not to take themDoctors are not always right, though, and our daughter was born 50 weeks after our weddingThat was a big change in planAnyhow, after having children, I developed PMSI hadn’t really had it before, and I was never great at tracking my always irregular cycleSo it came as a surprise to me every single monthAnd as I would feel a very specific flavor of depressed and irritableTucker would say, in the kindest way possible,“I don’t want to be that guy, but do you think maybe…this might have something to do with…”And I was so relievedI was so grateful he recognized the pattern I was living but not seeingI could meet the symptoms entirely differently when I understood the contextThat’s how I feel about this naming of anxietyMy financial instability is just the chew toy a larger anxiety has been working throughThe dichotomy I’ve been contending withBetween grounded engagement and relentless rejectionFelt like something was wrong. Pathological.And yes, not working is a problem. But it’s not THE problem.I’ve been trying to sort out where THE problem is throughout this timeIs it me? Is it the language on my resume?Is it the world? Is it ageism? Do I smell?The real problem has been my desperation to escape the conditionCome on, now. I know. You were probably there months ago and I’m just coming aroundBut the good news is I have a very open toolchest full of toolsand companions (thank you) who can let me be all of this.Another thing about my husbandWhen he proposed, with a ring he designedHe included alexandrite, a gem whose color shifts from green to red depending on the lightAs a capricorn, who is rooted, structured and disciplinedHe used my birth stone (which I thought was pearl. I’m always learning from this guy)To acknowledge his acceptance of my changing nature.As you can ascertain: my husband was worth waiting forI am starting to believe the idea that my next job will have been, too. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com