Unalone in Our Sorrow: How to Stop Fixing and Start Really Listening

Media LinksWebsite: delvepsych.comInstagram: @delvepsychchicagoYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20Substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/HostsAli McGarel – Staff Therapist, Delve Psychotherapy of ChicagoAdam W. Fominaya, PhD – Executive & Clinical Director, Delve Psychotherapy of ChicagoOverview of Big IdeasWhy we rush to “fix” the people we love, especially when we’re tired, sick, or stressed.How family-of-origin dynamics and caregiver meltdowns teach us that big emotions are dangerous and must be shut down.The costs of jumping to advice, reframes, or “you’ll be fine” before we’ve actually understood the other person.Concrete skills for genuine empathy: curiosity, open questions, reflection, validation, grounded reassurance, and simply staying present.Choosing trust and hope as active commitments in relationships so that no one has to be alone in their sorrow.Breakdown of SegmentsSick, Tired, and Ready to FightAli and Adam start with daylight savings fog and being under the weather, then explore why conflict spikes when our bodies and brains are depleted.Why We Jump Straight to FixingThey unpack the impulse to immediately offer solutions—how discomfort with another’s pain, fear of being a “bad partner,” and the urge to restore normalcy push us to shut feelings down.Childhood Templates for CrisisThey revisit the crisis styles many of us saw growing up: going numb, collapsing, or exploding, and how those patterns script the belief that intense emotion is catastrophic.Is This a Breakup or Just a Hard Day?They challenge all-or-nothing thinking in conflict (“If we fight like this, maybe we shouldn’t be together”) and invite a return to shared values and the relationship we actually want to build.Curiosity as the First MoveInstead of defending against “You never listen,” they model questions like, “What am I missing?” and “Where is this coming from for you?” as doorways back into connection.What to Say When You Don’t Know What to SayAdam offers language for staying in it: “I don’t know what to say, but I want to understand,” naming what you hear (“I hear panic”), and reflecting both the situation and the feeling.Validation, Reframing, and Reassurance—In That OrderThey differentiate validating the struggle, gently offering a new angle, and only then reassuring. Reassurance lands when it’s rooted in real knowledge of the person, not hollow optimism.Joining, Modeling, and Being a Steady PresenceThey highlight the power of simply being with someone—sharing a game, sitting quietly, and modeling how to move through fear or grief without abandoning yourself or each other.Metaphors, Images, and Feeling Truly “Gotten”They explore how vivid metaphors—like being stuck in a hot-air balloon you don’t know how to fly, or stranded on an island—can make people feel deeply and precisely understood.“Unalone in Our Sorrow” and Climbing Into the CaveDrawing on John Green’s language about being “unalone in our sorrow,” they frame empathy as climbing down into the cave with someone, not yelling fixes from the edge.Invitations for ListenersListeners are invited to experiment this week: ask one curious question instead of defending yourself, reflect one feeling before offering any solution, and notice how different the conversation feels.AI Recommended ReferencesGottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Three Rivers Press.Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (2013). Motivational interviewing: Helping people change (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.Rogers, C. R. (1957). The necessary and sufficient conditions of therapeutic personality change. Journal of Consulting Psychology, 21(2), 95–103. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0045357vlogbrothers. (2023, March 14). The seduction of despair [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIbqS6XoNiE