We Must Strive To Be Worthy of the Love We’re Given

If you’ve been thinking of sponsoring me, why not do so today :) Upgrade at 30% offMy wife showed me a picture of her new classroom with her name on the door.“You did it,” I said.“Did what?”“You achieved your objective. Ten years ago you said you wanted to be a teacher at the local school district. Now you are! Congratulations!”She has a special smile for moments like these. My wife is usually too hard on herself. She’s serious, determined, and driven. But right then, a ray of happiness came out of her like a sunbeam.I was reminded of the expressions of joy I often see on the faces of my children. It’s a combination of innocence, delight, beauty, and love. Perhaps it’s too infrequent that we pause to tread water in time and simply have a look at the scenery.On this day in 2010…“Look at this!” my wife said, waving her phone at me. “It’s a picture from when we were young and we were both models.”She showed me the photo. It was from our baby shower. She was wearing a sunny dress, yellow and orange. She was pregnant and happy.The photo showed me standing beside her in a sleeveless t-shirt holding a beer. I couldn’t help but think that I looked foolish.A lot of thoughts run through your mind when you look at an old photo. The word “sultry” wandered by as I looked at my wife. She always captivates me, but there are moments when I have to stop and look again. I got the sense that her penetrating eyes were privy to a vision of this distant future.Other words that came to mind were “powerful” and “brave.”I looked at myself and I thought, “dork.”It’s only now, all these years later, that I begin to grasp how challenging some segments of our journey together must have been for her. We met in Peru and I brought her here to the United States. She left a lot of things behind to be with me. We were forging a life and attempting to make the best choices, but there were some cold shocks along the way.I sometimes think it’s unfortunate that we have to make important life decisions when we’re appallingly short on experience. I tried to fill in the gap by relying on intuition. My intuition told me that my wife was the person for me. Even to this day, I’m not sure I fully appreciate how lucky I was to meet her.VolunteeringMy wife was a respected professional in Peru, but she had to start over when we relocated. Living in Lima, it bothered me how hard she worked and how little she was paid. My wife never complained. She got up in the morning, arranged herself in a stunning ensemble, and went to work.Getting ready in the morning is a ritual for her. It calms her. She puts on her armor and marches out to face the day.She is an English teacher, that’s how we met.She’s not a person to sit around the house. Settling into a life in the US, pregnant and all, she marched over to the local school and asked to volunteer. It didn’t take long for the staff to see her value. When a job came up, they got her employed in the district. The pay wasn’t great and the responsibilities were less than she had in Lima, but all she wanted was an opportunity.“I’ll be a teacher again,” she said. “I’ll work hard. I’ll charm them. They’ll see.”She set her jaw, got to work, and refused to visualize any outcome other than success. We didn’t know about American racism then, sometimes ignorance has its advantages.Pregnant with ‘that guy’ at her sideLooking at the picture from our baby shower, I recalled how the mind behind my smiling face was so filled with ridiculous thoughts.I guess that’s the point isn’t it? That’s the point of getting older, hopefully you learn a few things.Oh, how much better I would have been if I could somehow transport everything I know now back into that silly, young, arrogant head.It seemed almost that my wife already knew what I would come to understand. Over the years, her suspicions about people and opportunities have proven again and again to be true. Fortunately, I learned to listen.I wonder how she could look so calm at our baby shower knowing who I’d been until that point when the picture was taken. Was she getting by on faith that I would “rise to the occasion?”How is it that she didn’t look terrified? But that’s something else I admire about her. She doesn’t waste her time fretting.“It’s going to work out because of course it is and there’s just nothing else to it.”The jobShe went through a few jobs and landed as a bilingual family services facilitator. They praised her and that’s when she began to ask, “Can you help me to become a teacher?”“Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure,” they said.But they never intended to help. You see, she was good at what she did, so they were content to keep her there. It was a perfect system for them. They were the ones who took home the big checks, and she did all the work. In the United States, a disproportionate number of teachers are white. There’s a reason for that.One day she asked me, “Why do they call me a ‘brown’ woman? In Peru, I’m just a ‘woman,’ why is it that here, in America, they have to add the word ‘brown.’ Why does that matter?”Go back to where you came fromThe situation worsened when Obama left office and hostility against immigrants became a campaign promise. People would march up to my wife and bellow “Build the wall!” However, if you objected and labeled that slogan “racist” you were scolded for being “Too political.”Somehow those under attack are always the ones who are “in the wrong.” “Too political” is never an admonishment that changes the behavior of the aggressors.My wife’s boss began to abuse her authority. Perhaps it was a consequence of the political situation, but this person seemed to think exploitation was her right. Intimidation became a daily occurrence.Then came the threats. “I have connections, I will ensure that you never get a job in this district. Don’t even think that you’ll ever be a teacher. I won’t allow it. Nobody’s ever going to hire you.”I didn’t find out about this until after it was over. My wife doesn’t complain. She handles things. She thrives under pressure. She does the opposite of backing down. Everybody knew that my wife’s boss arrived late every day, my wife started keeping records. This led to a confrontation which led to a formal complaint.The former boss no longer works there. She was escorted from the building with all her possessions in a cardboard box.But that didn’t solve all the problems.The opportunityWith work turning toxic, we had to find a way out. I scanned for job opportunities. We found a school district that was willing to offer an emergency license, but it was a fifty minute drive.When we applied, it was the superintendent himself who answered. We took that to mean they were really eager to hire.“But what about the distance?”My wife clapped her hands, “I can do it! I can handle it! I’ll listen to audiobooks!”I drove with her to the job interview. I was relieved that it was a straight stretch of highway, but the miles still scared me.After the interview, she came back to the car, her face glowing. “Do you know what they offered me?” she said. Then she told me and erupted into a cheer. The salary was approximately double what she’d earned at her previous job.Her face glowed with that familiar expression of innocence, delight, beauty and love. I managed to snap a picture of her in that moment, but I’m not going to share that picture with you. That picture is for me :).One chapter ends, another beginsOver the last few years, my wife earned her teaching license and thrived at the her new job. In fact, she was content to stay there, except she began to miss things like soccer practice and piano lessons.During winter storms and freezing rain, I was glued to my phone watching the icon of her vehicle slowly making its way back home.When a spot opened up in the district where her former boss had tried to bully her, she jumped at it.“They know me at H.R. Do you think I have a bad reputation?”By now she’d learned that there are consequences for standing up to powerful people in the United States, particularly when you’re a Latinx immigrant.“I’m counting on it,” I said. “If they know your reputation, how could they hire anyone else?”She gave me that nice smile again.She got the job.One more mountain climbedLife is so hectic and uncertain, it’s important to soak in a victory. All those years ago, my wife set the objective of becoming at teacher in our town.Now, she carries a photo on her phone of her name painted on a door. It has been a long time coming, but the next time she puts on a fashionable outfit, sets her jaw, and heads into work, it will be the culmination of a ten year objective.I take another look at the photo from all those years ago that popped up on social media. She was pregnant in a nation far from the land of her birth with an unproven man at her side. But she was confident and fearless because she always becomes stronger in the face of adversity.What will the future bring?These days when I sit around and fret, my worries turn to my daughters. A supportive partner can make all the difference. My daughters have good hearts, but the world is becoming more hostile and I’m fearful of the challenges they will face.I have to teach them to trust their intuition when confronted with uncertainty. If you are wise enough to listen, the universe provides clues.My deepest wish is that my daughters will find good partners who will support them, love them, and, when the time comes, rise to the occasion.Still, there are days when I’m overcome by fear and I look to my wife for comfort.“I’m not worried at all,” she says.“Why not?”“Because whoever they choose, they’ll also have you at their side just as you were there for me,” she says. And now it’s my turn to give her a look that she claims (even though I don’t believe her) contains innocence, delight, beauty, and love.And joy.Yes, joy most of all.When the challenges come, you’ll find you’re tougher than you thought. It will all work out, you’ll see.You all make this newsletter happen! Thanks for your sponsorship! I have payment tiers starting at as little as twenty dollars a year.Upgrade at 30% offUpgrade at 40% offUpgrade at 50% offUpgrade at 60% offI'm so happy you're here, and I'm looking forward to sharing more thoughts with you tomorrow.My CoSchedule referral linkHere’s my referral link to my preferred headline analyzer tool. If you sign up through this, it’s another way to support this newsletter (thank you).I'd Rather Be Writing is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to I'd Rather Be Writing at walterrhein.substack.com/subscribe