Welcome to another episode of Jesse and Wilder's Guide to Life. I'm Jesse, that's Wilder, let's guide that. Live. And then I want you to put an audience cheering, sort of like a prices right thing in, right after I finish saying that.
If you actually, if you want to do that the whole episode. Oh, just over us. Yeah, I mean, in some points, make it so loud that you can't even hear us. It's just sort of a manic crowd cheering so loud for us.
OK, that's one of your worst ideas probably. Well, I just think it adds a spice that other podcasts don't have. I've been trying to think about how to separate us from the other cast. And the way to do it is to not even be able to hear us.
Well, just, I mean, just only that sometimes. In the heeds of a great bit, you just want to drown it out in crowd noise. A great bit, for example, like not this one. Right, a different one than other than this one.
But this one is, so here's what I'm saying. It's for a medium bit, like this one. I give it a 6 out of 10. For a medium bit, you get the crowd noise going.
And it's like, OK, that's pretty good. It's actually, I'm into this bit a little bit more. And for one, that's just so roaring. I mean, our audience is going to be in tears cackling anyway.
Let me spin this for you. Go on. I got the last piece of the puzzle that you're missing here. Please.
The greatness of the bit is directly proportionate to the age of the crowd sounds that I put in there, right? And then, we're really killing it. We get the sitcom, the sitcom laugh track from such a shows as The Big Bang Theory, or the Three Men. Two and a half men, the three men, the one and a half men.
However many men there are. Are they all men now? They're all men now. They're all men now.
They're all men now. OK. We are all men now. And that's it.
But that one, OK, so that one wasn't very good. So you got to put the little baby, the sun from Teletubbies is in the back of that one. Not much I hate more than that nasty little sun. I love that sun.
We got a lot of fun. I love that sun. We got an episode for you today. And this one is different than others in terms of we got ourselves a request.
Is this the first? Oh, no, no. We got Small Town. That was a request.
Not so much a request. It was a suggestion. OK. This one, a more of a direct request.
Jacob Rubin, thank you for the suggestion on Small Town. But he wasn't like, I need to know what makes a good small town. This one was like, I need your help. Correct.
And first and foremost, you turn to the right people. I couldn't disagree more. Whilst perusing our reviews the other day. Yeah.
As we do often, how I spend every evening. About by annually, I will look at the reviews. And I feel like we've said many times, leave us a review saying what you want us to do. And somebody did buy a joke.
So shout out to Baby Car Car Car. Baby Car Car Car. Sister of Tuna Car Car Car. Not great.
I'll put a baby one for that. Yeah, that one's got to be. I mean, that one's like, Tuna Car Car, though, is my rapper name. Good.
Well, maybe you should learn to say it then, stupid. C.T. Baby Tuna Car Car. Let's go.
The title is Please Rate Weddings. Now, rating, not really what we do, but I understand we're going with that. Yeah. Need help planning mine.
Mines. Could you please do a wedding episode for me? Signed Carly. I think I know this Carly, but it's possible that I don't.
Yeah, Tuna Car Lee, Tarly. Yeah, Tuna Car Lee, Tarly. Of course related to the famous Tarly household from the hit program, Game of Thrones. Oh, man.
Shall we talk about the ending of Game of Thrones instead of doing this episode? I'd love to get into it, but that ending I'd never seen for that show. Yeah, I only watched a little bit of it because it was so boring. Why can't people just have the courage to share their opinion about Game of Thrones?
Yeah, it's almost like nobody ever did, nobody ever will. It's them and the Star Wars fans. It's like, I want to hear it. I'm desperate to read someone's opinion about Star Wars and Game of Thrones.
Please tell me about Star Wars from your perspective. Now, Weddings is a very good suggestion, Baby Car Car. We actually thought that we had done this episode simply because we're always talking about wedding so much in our lives and in our lives. I'm actually not convinced we haven't.
Like, even though we checked, I still think like did we record it and then delete it in a fever state? Well, what we're thinking is we did it as a sponsor on our hit program Battle Stargelacta and I don't remember what we said because I have not listened to one second of that horse shit in years. Okay, but here's the here's the diggity-d eats. We both love to go to Weddings.
That is a non-time fact. Oh, God, you! Our bano photo, I think, on Twitter is still us at a wedding. Yeah, and let me let's just start out with a very I just want to start first thing before we even get into it.
For categories, I'd like to put crowd or like invitees. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like attendees is pretty much always on their foot.
Yes. For very quiet, go ahead and pop us on there, baby. Yeah, it's kind of a done deal. Baby car car, don't misunderstand this.
Oh my God. For kindness. If we don't get invited to your wedding, baby car car, we're planning it for you. For for, oh my God, if we don't get invited to this wedding, I will spin heads.
If you don't invite us, I'll snap you in half like a KitKat. I mean, that's all there is to it. Snap, we're gonna have like a dang KitKat. I'm putting us on bonus points too.
What'd you think about that? Yeah. I'll see why not. And the reason that we're starting off with this is because we love Weddings, babies.
We love them. Nothing better than a fun-ass wedding. Truly, it's got all of the things. Weddings so much that one of our friends got married on our birthday and we still had the goddamn blast of all time.
Yeah, it was great. And it gave us an excuse to just remind everyone. Yes. We could say thank you for coming to our birthday party.
To our birthday party, yes. For our very party. Many of them had flown in from Europe. All of our good European fans there to celebrate our day of birth.
Yes. Also such a dickhead move to play the wedding on our birthday. As a matter of fact, I'm gonna pop another category. I'm gonna say time and I'm gonna say very not quite late our birthday.
You know what a damn shame is though? I would like to move our birthday into very pretty good. And here's why. For the most part, our birthday is a three-day weekend.
It's true. It's true. And so does not make it a really good time to play to the wedding, especially people are traveling? Well, I think okay, I don't think a very good time to play to the wedding.
And we can just get into this now. But I will bump it to very pretty good. I think that's a good week of status help. I think it helps sometimes.
But I think sometimes people have their three-day weekend shit unlock already. You know, for example, maybe every single year on Labor Day you have a big barbecue and have all your friends over and they know that and they're like, oh actually our wedding is here. You know what? Our birthday and very not quite late.
Porte three-day weekend and very pretty good. What else is on our birthday weekend? It's all start weekend, baby. I'm gonna go fucking I gotta watch our game I'm trying to watch this lame doom contest.
Right correct. That's my birthday. Yeah, that's it. Isn't it?
It's a star birthday. Don't plan on any of your friends birthday, especially if you have two friends have the same fucking birthday You're quite lit Saturday, right? Yeah, I gotta be gotta be and it's just like looking We're gonna see a lot of stuff today and we know that if you are rich You're gonna have a better wedding than if you are not rich It's just sort of how it go sometimes in this world. Yeah, we do this we we have had this conversation many a time And we don't need to run it over again, but like yes This is the ideal we know that Saturday wedding is more expensive than a Sunday We of course which Sunday and Friday both getting the very pretty good treatment.
Are we agreed to that? Yeah, and we obviously very not quite lit Sunday is even oh cut it close. I'm they honestly know it's a no for me dog Yeah, I I one time I went to a Sunday wedding the day after what I would probably consider the best wedding I've ever been to oof. Yeah, and it just for so many reasons.
I did not have fun It's tough. It's tough and Friday cuts it close as well because not everybody can just take a day off Yeah But the flip of that is it does give people an excuse to take a Friday off which is so tight How about I got a category for you? Amenities? What do give me an example of amenity?
So that's for us the guests right what can we enjoy because this wedding is not about you if it was you wouldn't have a party Right correct correct. You're trying to throw a lit ass party for your friends and family and now I'm telling something else I'm not even stubborn about what type of wedding we got okay There are many ways to I've gone to many weddings many of them very different from one another and most of them very fun in different ways Right, right? So a many open bar babies. Yeah, just like let's just get let's just talk it out real quick big sloppy boy That's very not quite lit attendee like the person who gets to schmammered I was once at a wedding with sublutable fed a wedding with someone once we're in the bust the little shell ride from dinner to the venue To the ceremony like the party someone got a little too litty and started picking up like garnish fruit from the bar and huckin it at the bartenders Yeah, yeah, toss him.
He was he was coincidentally tossed. Yeah, and that's okay, but actually I think like we've done this before too But we do need like a goings on mm-hmm I think and I actually think that somebody getting tossed is a very pretty good well Let's how about no how about this instead of going zone? Let's let's get the different parts right so let's do ceremony and reception okay? Well, yeah, if somebody gets tossed during the ceremony, that's very not quite lit to me.
My goodness Oh, can I give you a very not quite ooh? I'm torn. How about very pretty good hear me out for very pretty good? I object oh Have you ever been at one no?
Okay, yeah, I think that I mean if it's not like a close friend. I need that to happen. Yeah, it's true It's very true. I almost want to put it very quite lit because I'm not saying I don't know I'm not saying the bride or the groom or whatever runs off with this person I'm just saying I would love if like a secondary character.
Oh, yeah Well, I mean at that point a third that's a third character sort of I mean secondary to our story. Oh sure Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're not quite lit. How about like runaway bride or groom? I don't want that sucks or no show Oh, you know, I love gets me every time.
This is a shout out to my people love to stamp on that glass, baby Okay. Yeah, all right? That's ceremony, right? Yeah, we put bonus points Jewish wedding.
Have you been to one dog? They're so goddamn fun. I don't think I have their phone is fucked. You start the glass You do the horror you live people up into chairs.
Yeah, that sounds fucking fresh as hell It's a goddamn great time. I would love to get a shout out to just like cultural tradition Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and I don't know if this is correct or not But like we that wedding we went to on our birthday They did that fucking they drank that wine up there as part of the ceremony that was pretty fresh to me and that felt like a how About this very quite late at that. I guess this is reception is dinner different than reception Oh, no dinner got eaten category for sure because we could talk food and it was a great time to shout it out Our good friends Matteo and Rachel. Yeah dancing before dinner.
Do you remember that? Yeah, I do shit That was too fresh. Yeah, that was good And it was like before and after gang it wasn't like we danced and then had dinner and then everybody fucking left They got the wiggles out of us early. Yeah, and it really rode the high it went straight from ceremony to like a brief cocktail hour to like We're gonna fucking shred for like another long I feel it was a couple songs It was like 30 minutes hours something like that and then Get your halftime get yourself some food and fucking party on I loved it.
What what is the perfect wedding size? It's tough my brother. I have to do one of the on the side of bigger is better. No, I don't think so Right, but there is diminishing returns like I don't Is a hundred very white lit do you think a hundred people is that ideal?
I think you can get up to so I'll tell you right now I need to put the throw a disclaimer into this episode which is that I myself have planned a wedding Yeah, that seems like something to talk about it. I just feel like you know, I've got some experience This is not us talking out of our ass entirely just as guests Guest is another like mondo mondo expense thing where it's like oh, yeah, you want to add 25 guests That's an extra $3,000 for some reason. I think like the 125 Range is solid. How about between 150 is very quite lit.
Yeah, I'll say that right it down baby car car actually no need we got this rubric for you I would expect you to hand this to your wedding planner and just say do this both of my parents Who got remarried had like church weddings, which fella where we put in church? It's bad, right? Sounds boring dude. It sounds fucking boring.
I'm gonna put that for ceremony because that's all Yeah, I'm so sorry, but it's mad fucking boring. I'm actually not that sorry because you did ask yeah, I have to tell you I've you didn't specifically say you need help planning your wedding So don't you worry we're here to do that for you my dad? Let me give you a little dad lab fact because I know you love them Well, more souls my dad got married at this beautiful church blah blah blah and then they had their ceremony at this very lovely Like garden and it was probably like a 15-minute drive between the two right so it's not horrible It just kind of sucks to be like well now I have to get back in a car and find parking again But dad lab and his bride instead of taking a car They did take a horse and buggy now. Oh sure the deal is is that it's very it's a one It's for surely a one lane road from the church to the The venue where we had the where they had the reception so it took everybody like 40 minutes because it was we were all behind the fucking horse and buggy Like a funeral procession if exactly like a clip of vibe as one of the categories and for quite lit funeral vibe.
Yeah Have a reception I got another very you're gonna. Okay, very pretty good. Did you do that takes requests? Got to be very pretty good.
Yeah, cuz I understand people will misuse the power But like sometimes bro, I fucking happen to know what my friend wants to hear on their wedding more than you do Right, I'm with you there I went to one where the guy didn't take requests all night and I was like I very close to the bride In agreement I was like they fucking love this song. We're all gonna go nuts for it Can you play it? It was the song was son of a bitch by the fan array live and he was like I don't know it and then finally ended up playing it later And everyone bananas for it. He was like that was a good idea No shit man.
I'm not just like I'm in the mood to listen to this now. Yeah, that's that sucks out loud. Oh, can we speak? She's a category boy.
We're gonna have a lot of categories. This is about to be a long episode Yeah, let me hit you with a very quite lit the experience of this very same wedding so the bride in this wedding from Hong Kong Her dad would speech but what he did I have never seen anything like this before He requested that the DJ played the Da Vinci code score in the background while he did his speech father of the black I mean it was fucking unbelievable score And he never referenced it he just walked over the DJ asked him to play it and then gave his speech. Oh my god Yeah, that's incredible. Very not quite lit as a scary category dude Drunken drunken jealous person.
Oh, yeah, drunken jealous on an ounce speech down The one who grabs the mic and just starts riffing. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy.
Yeah, really guys. It wasn't invited grabs the mic I've got something more to say. Oh God don't please don't what do we think about throwing the cue cards aside bad. I don't want any Other than speech with score which is something I've never heard of I want no theatrics.
I want theatrics free I think very pretty good. This is like obviously this is a generic response, but a generic speech I don't need like when I first met Betsy I was in college and she walked up to me and shared her tapioca and that's what I knew I don't fucking need that. I don't care about the tapioca. I hate tapioca.
At least they only got one score. I'm not going to I mean I guess for dinner The wedding the same one honestly you're just gonna hear me talk a lot about this this DaVinci Code score wedding because it was Choice that was a Chinese bride and a Jewish groom and what they did mash up Chinese Jewish food for dinner They did like moss of all soup dumplings shit was taught. Yeah, so so here's what I'll say about food from my insider's perspective food obviously another very very pricey thing and Something that maybe people don't realize because you're just excited to be at a wedding which is tight is that wedding food often very medium Happen to be okay with that. Yeah, it's fine It doesn't need to knock my socks off, but I prefer the ball out on the bar for me rather than the dinner for me Agreed and when you're making like 130 steaks.
I'm sorry guys. They're just not gonna be very good They're making 130 steaks for everyone to eat it one buffet pretty pretty pretty good buffets like we'll ever have a buffet again Oh, yeah, please are out brother. Honestly buffets not coming back for a very long time I like a buffet because you can get more but I also don't like having to fucking wait Oh, I'm gonna give you what I thought was my ideal and that is I went to a wedding recently Well like a year or two ago because we don't get to have wedding and they had two different food trucks That is a bingo for me because it eliminates a bunch of stuff first of all you get to pick what you want And it's there's a lot of options. So one was a barbecue truck and then one was I think like see food See like I would like to put that in the reception.
I'd love it There was dinner and then later. Oh shit the amount trucks here. You know what I mean? You want so while boo I kind of like the dent like the seating and the dinner part.
It's fun. I'll blame the salad is I get what you're saying. I do like that vibe I do like they're like we're sitting at the table with like such and such a cousin And we're gonna be best friends now. This cousin I do get that but I but I don't wait in line a food truck at a wedding Bro, would you say mandatory?
Charky table. It's so tough. Don't invite me to your wedding if you don't have cured meats and cheeses for me simply put this is the problem Though we talked about we definitely talked about this is holiday party too I start to feel a type of way about myself because I know that if there's delicious cured meats and cheeses and fruits I'm going to hover around that table and not actually oh bro at a wedding though I don't think that's a problem at what that may be office party or like a meeting perhaps But I think I'm gonna be able to leave it alone because I got all my friends there. I got such and such as mom All right, all right.
All right. All right. What do we call that? That's the do we need to have a cocktail hour?
Oh cocktail hour That's what I want. Yeah, very quite lit for reception dance off baby. Oh it dance off. Yeah, okay Yeah, I would love that everyone clears the floor.
Holy shit cousin Dave is squaring off with Jamie and it is cousin Dave for sure Cousin we also talked about this before and we're like what do you think cousin Dave's gonna do when he thinks Jamie's a better dancer? I do like the random the cousin Dave attendees cousin Dave very quite lit. Okay, so we're just gonna label it that and not really take it Yeah, he's the and then you print this he's how about this good boy wild car and now very not quite late You're gonna put cousin Ramon probably wasn't invited. He's the bad boy wild guard Yeah, oh attendees jokesters.
It's awesome. I don't need any jokesters. Can't be very pretty good. What if they do a funny prank?
I hate pranks bro. Tell me what the example of a funny prank at a wedding. Please tell me like a harmless one No, I hate it right in the bridegroom or standing up there and all of a sudden the audience the audience is that what you call it? Yep, Johnny has trombone in the seats the whole time and then you know Daisy in the back She busts out her fiddle and all of a sudden we're all singing all you news love That's not what I mean by a jokester and you know it what you just said was like a hidden band a flash mob band It's just cousin Alannis cousin Alannis she brought her whoopie cushion and she's getting everybody bad throw them in the trash Yeah, okay, so jokester is very not quite fine.
Yes. It's a jokester I like an organized joke or prank. Yeah fine a party prank is good. How about organized prank very pretty good and then?
Joker is very not quite. We call it a surprise I just don't think that like a band is a prank Let me get you a very pretty good because I've seen it go both ways and I've enjoyed them both Yeah, I mean bride and groom outfit change. Okay, so you're not saying that's very quite lit I think that's like the lit shit Well, because I've also seen a bride just fucking get the fuck down in her wedding gown Just wear that dress in and I love sure okay. I'm gonna very pretty good one for you black tie about very not quite lit No dress code don't fucking show up in your flip blocks, dude.
Okay. I've been having a dress code All right, no dog is a word dancing around a topic that I've recently been discussing with my actual partner Which is where do we land and I need you to not have a gut reaction to this I need to think about it Okay, where do we land on a themed wedding and I don't mean our theme is flowers I need a fucking themed wedding like a themed party. It has to be very pretty good. I went to a wedding that was Christmas themed and it was to me just enough theme Christmas No, because it was because it was like a little like sort of campy like they had like clips from Christmas movies playing on a screen We already have toss toss making your wedding a holiday that already exists Make if you're gonna do a theme party do fucking Aloha wedding or do something else Don't make it fucking Valentine's Day wedding or don't make me celebrate Christmas twice this year No, I don't I don't I don't Christmas wedding is in September and then Christmas and you have a great time Christmas around and you're like fuck this is already did this so this is so here's let me just put the pick on the fucking table right now The thing wedding that I've been discussing is a Halloween themed wedding dog.
Are you kidding? Couple ideas from your Halloween wedding which already sounds far too smooth for me to attend Skelling since every way like every other seat at the table is a is a corpse is it though This is a conversation we had is she was like what about Halloween people wedding I was like our people in costume and she was like, oh, of course not. I'm supporting for the film I hate that so what candy corn on the tables who put that in very not quite let Halloween themed wedding I don't think holiday holiday themed is bad to me dang. I'm gonna be in so much trouble Have these holidays I don't mind it There's no reason to do the holiday twice if it seemed luau maybe or perhaps your wedding is you only have said like luau and tiki Which are the same thing because I can think of that are good.
Yeah, it's true Why don't you hit me with some other good themes you love a theme so you can just go full college party and do like CEOs and executive hoes Yeah, I do that's honestly pretty much what weddings are already because everyone wears nice clothes It does lots of cocaine in the bathrooms. Yeah pops it off Where you put bathroom hookups for reception very pretty good bad bad bad bad bad why why bathroom hookups bros Listen to me, but for me to walk in on and then be like you guys. I just saw bimbo and skimbo getting it on I mean to walk in on yes, they're pretty good. Yeah, okay.
Fine regular hookups. I think obviously is a very quiet lit Yeah, very quite lit a close friend officiating. Yeah, not unlike yours truly. Yeah.
Well in me in the future Baby car car about to become woman car car Blended from baby to woman. I should hope that baby car car is not an actual baby. You're far too young to be getting married Yeah, I we really that is sort of something we've been dancing around a little bit So 10 years very not quite lit baby. Oh my god babies get them out get them out get them out get them out in the one that I play on It was there was a strict no child's policy.
What's the minimum age 12? Oh and and to me It's tough because that is not a linear scale that sort of a grid I can deal with like two twelve year olds if you got six twelve year olds at your wedding every one of them gonna end up dead One twelve year olds no good because then it's my problem Totally exactly you get two or three and they're in the corner doing their own thing around the venue Well, Johnny and Johnny are gonna be like can we hang out with you and of course they want to hang out with me I'm awesome, but they can't some a small gathering of preteens a small it was up to me 18 is the minimum Yeah, okay, then I'm it is up to you because we're making this thing I mean is 18 even very quite lit. I think 21 plus baby is very quite lit. This is our Language and some people be like, but what about my little nephew?
I want to bring a tray of shots to my table, right? I don't want to have to be like um actually my daughter is only 19 and that's a gross analogy I'm not trying to fly this 19 year old girl with liquor. It was more of a communal thing So don't be weird about it. I understand I understand entirely and people will say like what about my little brother?
He's a you know, he's only 17 or a little my oh my nephew. Oh our child our son leave your dumbass son at home Yeah, please God. Do I look like your son? No, then why are you talking to me?
Wilder doesn't look like your son guys If he did he would be a legal drinking agent would be invited to this wedding Holy moly star ceremony begins its sundown What do you think about that or reception does reception begins its Sunday? But then you're not gonna have enough time to dance because the venue is gonna close baby Well in this ideal wedding the wedding was not closing. I will tell you what you know What's tight and this is why I want to put this for very quite lit for venue somebody's home if it's dope because I went to one and It was their own house and guess what? There's no cut-off time baby.
We danced until about three in the morning, right? Right, right. Yeah, I think a dank house is like especially like family of the brighter room Right, I don't want to have to go to like oh fucking cousin cousin Willow. She lent us her house That's very nice of you cousin Willow, but I don't have to worry about breaking your shit right agreed I'll break my friends the grooms shit all they want.
I'm gonna take off of that a little bit How do we feel about destination wedding? It's a very pretty good gotta be right This is another situation where it helps me rich if I'm rich as a motherfuck great, right? Then it's very quite lit because if I go course I don't want to I can blame it on the price correct if I do it's what I'm gonna fuck off to Italy right now Little wet it right it's fully that's it right is that you want to go it sounds great, but just come on I gotta come on work I gotta buy a fucking plane ticket. I gotta wear your lodging food.
That's a whole like realistically I get one or two vacations a year Now I have to spend one of them. I mean I love you guys whoever you are, but that's it's a big ask Oh, bro. How long is the ceremony? Let's talk about it.
Yeah, yeah, it's it's I have to tell you under ten baby Get in and out under ten. That's a tough one. I've seen it done and I respected the hell out of it I don't want to hear about the meaning of love in the eyes of God. Oh my god is God God God get out God is out right Get him out if you love God that's on you.
Yeah, that's cool But you're waiting's not gonna be fun if you love God. I'm sorry to say my dad's wedding They had like a Catholic priest was he cool though was he cool about it? But yeah, he was cool and had like a fucking thick Irish accent. Okay.
I like that I like a cool priest or a rabbi cool priest cool priest is what they call me a priest of the prequel to young Popper way. Yeah What I don't need is a readings from anyone besides the bridegroom or efficient do not be like and here's the bridesmaid to share a poem Oh my god, bro poems For me I went to one straight up in the hoods and that was great. It was beautiful. What about beach to me?
That's I don't I want to say very not quite lit But I understand that people like the beach now I went to a pretty good beach wedding and it was a Florida which sounds bad But like bro, did you have to wear like nice shoes and shit and you know sand in your in your fucking glass shoes? Here's how it was set up to be a venue So I never I never touched the sand if I didn't get sand out of this money Yes sand obviously and this sounds dumb and it was dumb, but I have to tell you it was still sick as hell the fucking groom showed up on a fucking boat He pulled up on a boat onto the beach and hopped out and that is corny But damn was it fucking awesome like everybody was psyched So here's what I want to put in bonus points and it's been a bonus point for us before and let me sum that up for you Pageantry yeah, I'm going for sure. Yeah, there was almost no limit to the corniness that I won't have at least a little bit of like Okay. Yeah, I mean right up on a horse who gives a shit It's your wedding baby.
Do whatever you want. Yeah, get launched out of a cannon baby car car You gonna walk down the aisle or you gonna fucking pop a wheelie on a motorcycle all the way down the right a hoverboard who gives a shit Baby, it's your wedding how many times you gonna get married? Hopefully just once baby car car if you walked on that aisle. I'm not coming you must ride a motorcycle What do you think about this quick business with beans?
It's a long long ass wedding like walkway, so like the guests are all the way up the front Okay, you got a ton of land. Okay. You got all the time in the world. Yeah, you can Tokyo drift up to the altar You know what I mean?
I like it. I mean, I won't I'm not gonna knock it. I like it I can't imagine any bad option. I don't that sounds dumb, but I can't just like no matter fucking sky dog you get out of a plane Exactly what I was thinking dropping into parachute, baby.
That's a one to me. Padra tree I love it. I'll take a two-hour long ceremony if it means that for an hour and a half. I'm watching this person fall out of the sky You know how like at the end of a really great sports game the players will trade jerseys Oh, do you think about riding groom trading wedding outfits?
I love it host game. I want to put dirty nasty snacks You agree with that? Yeah, okay So this is something I'm gonna say for five that is when I planned my wedding was a part of our planning in addition to nope Childs we made it very clear that there was going to be a filthy nasty That sounds like an orgy and that to me toss it in very not quite live Yes, I'm talking about the cave from the Matrix to a movie you have seen So what I'm talking about is first hour, okay of the serum. Oh, sorry the reception.
It's fun for the whole family We're playing Hall of Nodes. We're doing Motown. It's it's fun and fun and good Oh, yeah, I think I think the nastiness of the jams progresses throughout the night Yes, and I'm telling and I'm telling I'm making it known to my guests particularly the older guests You are welcome to stay as long as you like but when the lights turn down it's going to be nasty filthy. Yes, what do you do?
How do we feel about live band? It's gonna be very pretty good. Okay, okay? You don't get me every time go on The the first dance not between the bride and groom I don't give a fuck about that between their parents and I am saying bride and groom You know what I mean bride and bride groom and groom they and they it's all good right right right right right right of course support This one we don't have to fucking give it the two or more I guess people involved in this fucking situation.
You know what else I like another it's a classic one But it's fun to me is like the the announcement of the wedding party. Yeah when they when they announce in like an NBA game Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm in five foot seven Yeah, I mean that yeah, that's good. I do enjoy that. That's fun.
I think ooh ooh for reception an MC kind of clutch. I've just who is that guy that guy sucks dude? He does like farm it's was on the sides He treats us like little kids. I don't need that guy So you think very not quite lit for the MC.
I'll allow you to put it in very pretty good if you love it Yeah, I'll tell you what something I don't like but maybe you'll like it maybe it ends up in very pretty good I I hate a guided dance. I hate the cha-cha slide. I hate the fucking shuffle I don't want to do the chungaline the only one I like is the horror right and that's we already covered that with like cultural And it's also like you don't need to announce it You need to go everyone we're about to do the horse it just starts fucking happening and everyone works to the front right right right right So I think organized dances it's that's why I don't like MC cuz it's making me feel like I'm a fucking sweet 16 It's true. It does it does get a little bit of a bit of a vibe.
Let me tell you for vibe. This is for adults Yeah, it's true. I mean we already kind of cover that pretty thoroughly, but yes, it's for adults dudes I hate to tell you please in amenities What types of if any and I can sound like a big idiot baby right now, but what types of activities you have planned for us I do I have to plan activities for the party, bro? How about I'm flying with liquor and stick you want to dance for a little bit?
That's your activity I will give you an example of one that pops up at lots of weddings that I think is not my Particular Jam, but it you mean the fucking bouquet and shit. No, no, no, no cuz that to me is wedding traditions I'm talking about it. I'll give you the number one example of photo booth people love a photo booth It's I don't mind it. It's not my juice, but like that's it's right so put it there I'm not gonna not use it so I think I think it's very quite lit I think it like you know what I like a photo booth because here's how I do a photo booth I ignored all night I get nice and filthy nasty drunk I roll through it for like fucking 25 minutes to 100 shoots and then I bounce yep and something and it's a great If you're there with a date and it's like oh your day wants to get some let's grab some pics dirty dirty great Like I think a photo booth is cash money.
I think sometimes people go a little overboard with their activities I think sometimes you end up with like games or something somewhere and I don't know that I need that don't need that You know what I like disposable camera on every table. Okay. Yeah, we'll call that session You gotta make sure there isn't one at cousin Ramone's table cuz he's taking pictures of his joke. Oh my god That's another jokester activity like oh, you're so fucking funny every picture is like up your nose hilarious jokester Shut the fuck up dude.
You know what I like maybe for bonus points for the guests not going home afterwards You're gonna hotel you all rented an Airbnb. Oh, well that's post game I love when a lot of the wedding guests and probably mostly like the party like the core crew staying together in one Hotel you know talk about or one of it the room block That's fucking awesome, right? So that's I think that's counts as venue location. How about mm-hmm I'm trying to figure out where this goes.
I guess post game the betrothed stay out with us. Yeah. Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what I mean? I don't like it when they fuck off really early It's fine.
I get it but like I went to one where the bride and groom shut down the dance floor They will last you out there that shit was tight. Yeah, agreed. That's like I want to spend time with the bride and groom I know everyone does I not even that long just like give me two minutes. Let me get some time in with you I know you know what I actually like during the during dinner.
It's the the water Yeah, the dinner hello's thank you so much for coming to our wedding So I'm and then like one quick joke, you know one quick little like a not not like not like when we went to Franklin's house, right not like that not tonight. All right, buddy. It's good. See you like I love it I'm gonna change the game, bro.
I'm not trying to reinvent the wheel and try to break the wheel Okay, it's kind of a dumb way to approach it. I don't know where this goes. This goes all over the place I don't have to give you a present. Oh, bro.
It's yeah, I just flew here If I love you, I'll give you a present don't make it mandatory for me to buy you some fucking teacups or some curtain rings Oh, man So I'm a bad boy and I often just straight up don't get anybody a gift and I feel a little bad about it But I also that sucks of you unfortunately you have to do it and what I'm saying is don't I know what I don't mind is give us money for our vacation For our honeymoon. Okay, so Chelsea's move is which is what I'm on board with fully Chelsea gets a card and puts a fucking crisp hundo in it and calls it a day and that is perfecto to me Yeah past apps in the in the cocktail hour you have to right. It's just very pretty good I think for the reasons you outlined in the in the holiday party thing the napkin where I cannot have that napkin It's a nightmare. It's like this crippling agent that I can't rip isn't it wild that we have I don't know what to do about it I crumple it up in my stupid sweaty hand if you told me if you told me tomorrow I could go and sharpen it and present them with an option to get rid of this.
I don't know what I would say oh Bro edible napkins Edible napkin may be my best idea yet and really speaks volumes of how shitty your ideas are normally What if you got your little slider on a fucking edible napkin, baby? Yeah, I mean check it out the napkin made a salt Not too salty. So you just you wrap it up. You eat the whole thing made of salt is the grossest thing I've ever heard ever You pick the worst one made of salt So it's a seasoning you pop it in your mouth.
It's not too salty though. That's so gross bro I just don't know what to do about the napkin, baby. It's such a it's past apps are so wonderful at the toothpick and the napkin Oh the tooth how about when you give it hit you with a tiny plate tooth? I don't hate because I like to chew them the the tiny plate I might as well be atlas carrying the fucking earth on my shoulders with that thing in my hands Yeah, the tiny plate what you're gonna do is you're gonna get your fill in and you're gonna go with table and nominal up But then forces you only take one trip.
Yeah, and I just think sometimes that tiny plate ends up sit at my hand for too Got dune long here it is all the past apps are things you could pick up with your hands and do not leave residue Which is what bro? We went over this for fucking the last damn it. No fucking no dude. I don't know Right.
Okay, it's this simple then the the people that are passing the apps have been trained what they will do is wait For you to eat your thing and then they will take your trash I know but they're gonna wait there So they're gonna watch you eat and you have to feel pressure to sit there eat that kebob in front of them And then they just put their hand out what you want me to do. I don't know what to do I don't know what to do. I think you nailed it with salt napkin bro I also think I nailed it. Oh Damn, okay.
I got another one. Jeez. I can't stop. I love weddings too much.
Um a special reserved treat for the betrothed So like the ceremonies. Okay, so ceremonies done receptions kind of popping off We already had dinner. Maybe they take a break and what's that? Oh a little a top shelf bottle They set aside for themselves have a little mm-hmm.
So that good good. Oh, maybe it's a maybe it's a big cigar Maybe it's like a fancy seat guard that the betrothed are gonna split because that because it's their special day I gotta have some secrets go I want to stumble into the wrong room at some point I know it's a it's the vibe and it's gonna be very quietly and I think I need it I need those secrets, baby. Oh dude We were missing out on a big vibe when that goes into a very not quite lit and just maybe think of it Oh drama I think it has to be very pretty good because it doesn't make a good story if you don't care about the person involved Okay, it's I don't want drama for the betrothed It's it's tough because all of the drama could be drama for the betrothed right like if if so-and-so's cousin is having a meltdown because she got Stood up by her date then it sort of becomes the betrothed problem because that's somebody's cousin But you know what is fuck that you tell so-and-so who's waiting on their date to fucking scram if they're gonna make it about them All right, so you want you putting drama out of two? Yeah, I like a little bit of like okay I see I want that I want I want something I want something any something all right.
That's fair. That's I object right. It's true I object is high drama though. I object is the but not the highest drama You get it a wedding other than like a hostage situation You know what I don't like Brian groom or the betrothed are off on their honeymoon thing like from the wedding What is that shit?
Yeah, that's that's the wack is come on in those movies when they run out of the church or whatever and get into the There must not be a reception right yeah word like that's Everyone just goes home. Oh my god. How about Ceremony only very not quite lit. Yeah, that's not no reception Stop it.
You gotta go to fuck you. Yeah. Oh, bro. I gotta I got a very quite lit attendee dog ring bearer I love that shit.
I just look at that. What happened to that dog afterwards. Let me take him home I'm gonna take him home. Someone take him back home.
So they show him. He popped in. All right. It's it's quite a bit bad Tree.
Yeah, like I'm not there's no and I love it. Yeah, there's no denying that shit. Maybe car car What else you fucking need? Yeah, it's true.
What else you fucking need? There's not a lot we didn't do much for dinner. Only thing we said very not quite lit is tapioca What's very not quite lit? All right now table seven get up.
Oh my god. Duh table by table calling up It's very bad to me. I do not want for buffet. I hate that we didn't talk about any of the sweets.
I Don't I don't want to put anybody in a box, but this is this goes along with my wedding tradition thing being medium Follow your fucking hearts when it comes to the dessert babies. Please follow your hearts Don't yeah, don't feel like you need to do wedding white wedding cake if that is not your favorite I as someone who's not really a cake guy I recently have fallen under take spell a little bit more than I ever have my life But like the last thing on earth I want is that fucking white wedding cake. Yeah, I went to one where they did a wedding pie Oh delicious. Yeah, yeah, I've been to one one is wedding cupcakes Like I said a donut truck showed up to that one where there were sour patch at one follow your heart for dessert absolutely very quite lit I my mom such a fucking clutch move because she also hates giant white wedding cakes, but she is a cake boss I would call her and okay her move was instead of center pieces at everyone's tables individual cakes You cut them yourself you fucking serve yourself you have your cake whenever the fuck you want it can eat it before dinner If you want your lunatic go fucking go nuts and each one or not each one But a lot of them work different Flaves and she said if you don't like your cake then make a friend at a different table and swap slices What you're doing right now is putting in an interesting position Yeah, because I have something that I want to always say is very not quite lit But I think at a wedding it has to be very pretty good go on icebreakers.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no I'm very sorry. Unfortunately, it's rules, bro. Oh, yeah, I know that's a vibe. I think yeah vibe I think there has to be rules.
Yeah, it gives me no pleasure right to be rules guy Right, but it can't be a fucking free for all right because the only thing worse than one table at a time is all right Everyone get in line right now. No rules. Oh my god Get your food. I have dinner when you want gives a shit You know what I like on the table and this is different than the snack table table snacks little little no Yeah, all men's are fucking mixed nuts.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree. Oh some bread fuck me Give me bread dudes. What are you doing? I'm about to be so drunk.
No bread to put no bread and very not quite late. Oh, yeah for sure I don't think you need to get cute with your food I think sometimes wedding's trying to get cute I want you a wedding that had like carnival food as their past apps the beginning it was like corn dog Like fucking corn dog. I don't want a corn dog on at carnival. Don't get cute guys.
Just please please those big ass turkey legs Like I'm Disneyland boy. That's bad. That's a bad one. That's bad dinner Disneyland fucking turkey leg yikes We've been doing a lot of well at this wedding I did this or that wedding I saw that can we just fucking crack open the walls that we've been bound to and just fucking Explore a little bit in some space that we've never been some uncharted territory go on.
Okay. I'm gonna start like all right I would like um Almost like how you said the donuts. Mm-hmm I would like um like maybe a little gelato man to come up about halfway through dancing and say bring a little belt Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm sure What do you think about this for a venue a bowling alley baby? I don't know about that think about it That's post game if anything. No think about it because then you've got your post game rolled into one No, I won't think about it. It's only only for the bro.
Not on my big day. No no no no no no no no No, he's a bowling alley food. I mean we're not just going to the bowling alley But you know bowling alley got a little party rooms all right fine if we're getting out of the box I want to borrow something from Jesse's perfect day hit me baby Let's go. This is our this is our fantasy.
This doesn't have to be legal or a good idea cocktail hour combine it with go-karts. Oh Dude, that's what I'm talking about. It's about to get real stupid. You can't really just go down this road though We can't we can we can we will I've got another one for you going You know they're like you can't the bride is not supposed to see the groom before well We've already scrapped bride and groomed about 45 minutes into to patrol so that's already out the door right yeah So betrothed instead of doing the whole way I'm gonna play hide and seek from each other all day Which I hate we're gonna do instead motherfucks leading up to the wetter all hide and seek we're gonna be on a bar crawl How do you think about this no bro?
Everyone's gonna be too wasted. No no no no no I was gonna be fucking wasted at the ceremony I was gonna have to pee you know my little baby bladder can't whether that's storm It's true your little piss pants wobboo, but but that's only if you're not unthinking the ceremony itself as well You gotta unthink this shit bro. I must derail this train because this episode will be a Peter Jackson 3-parter We cannot do it and I will not edit it I simply won't you get one okay, bro in in bonus points you get one fantasy treat choose it fantasy treats I just included all of them. It's all inclusive.
I put fantasy treats I can talk about all of them now great You're just what you're saying is not a wedding it's a wedding if I wanted to you're talking about like a birthday Maybe I want another Jesse's perfect day. Okay, well you cannot have that. This is baby car cars waiting. We're not going bumper cars.
Okay, okay, okay, okay. But I do have a real one for a bonus point. Bumper car car. Got her.
That's big baby, big baby cry cry in the back. Yeah. A real bonus point. And again, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, wealthy, wealthy.
I have to imagine having a wedding planner is absolutely incredible, wouldn't you say? Yeah, it's got to be. Fortunately, you got one for free. It's us.
Right, true. We are the world's wedding planners. Is there anything else you'd like to say before we wrap this up? There is, but it's pretty inconsequential.
Should I still mention it? Yes. We didn't have a category called time and we didn't really specify a time. Can I just put morning wedding and very not quite lit before we go?
If that is what you won't be able to sleep until you put in there. Morning is bad. That's so stupid. Don't give me a breakfast wedding.
Fucking Roy from the office. Thank you very much. That's it. And we honestly probably could talk about it for 100 hours more and we won't because Wilder's a baby and he has to edit it.
But if you want to give us a call, you can just call Wilder. Yeah, just give me a call. Just give me a call. Baby car car.
If you do not invite us through a wedding, I don't know what it is to say to you after that. But we just did this for you. It's true. I do want to get serious point if you don't invite us to your wedding period.
If you are a baby car car or otherwise. It's an issue, dudes. Yeah, I want to be invite. I'm not going to go to your wedding, but I want to be invited.
And to be honest, if you don't invite me, if it doesn't look exactly like this. Well, if you have even one element of very not quite lit in your wedding, I'm out. Yeah, okay. That's a better.
Yeah. If you have, just tell a cousin Ramon in his 10 little kids, his 10 little 12 year olds that he's got to stay the fuck home, please. He should be mandatory. You put out on the invite.
Save the date just so you know cousin Ramon has been invited. Yeah. And then when he RSVPs, you send out another update. FYI, cousin Ramon is not coming.
So you got the all clear. So it's cool. We're having the wedding still. It's not going to be the just Ramon wedding.
It's cool. If you would like us to do anything else for you, much like baby car car consigned us for this one, hit us up in reviews. Leave us some reviews, babies. Leave us some reviews and we'll do it.
Follow us on Instagram. Justine Wilder's Guide to Life. Follow us on Twitter, JW Guide. What else you got?
Vote. Oh yeah, do a vote. Just do a vote. I know you're sick of hearing it.
But only if you're going to vote what I want you to vote. Correct. Oh yeah. Apparently, Michael Hogan in the worst ways right now because of a slip and fall that he had.
If you listen to our last. Something that we like to do is mention someone. And then immediately they make news. You remember this when we jump started Tony Hawk's career?
When we reintegrated Tony Hawk's career. The other day I was watching something. I'm rewatching Fargo in anticipation for the new season. Caught our Dear Boy I Patch who if you are someone that hasn't listened to Backward Starglactica.
He's a character from Battle of Starglactica. He had a nasty, nasty fall. So truly, the best of vibes to his family. And to him.
Yep. And then that's it. And then we're done with this episode because it was far too long. And now we're going to play the actual music.
Peace. music