Welcome to Limbo

There are only so many times a person can be earnestly trying for somethingWatching other people seem to get it easilyAnd remain chipper in their congratulationsEven when those well-wishes are heartfelt and without reproachIt’s hard to keep envy entirely out of the equationAnd curiosity about what makes it unavailable to meThis is hard. And tricky. And no one dances through it unscathed.And a well of compassion for so many people in so many situations erupts in meEven as I encounter my own flavor of itI’ve had the same pain point for yearsI can derive meaning, glean insight, and wax poetic about itI can also even notice and appreciate advantages it affords meEven as I cannot deny the disadvantagesSo many things can be true at once, it’s mindbogglingBut as I move through the days where my efforts fall flatI feel it’s a little bit like living in an apartment I don’t likeJust wanting to GTFOAnd maybe washing the windowsTo make being here more bearable for todayI had a friend say a few weeks ago: “Maybe you’re just not meant to work”And the cascade of bristling“Tell that to the electric company”“How is that fair to my husband?”“Do I just capitulate and accept that there isn’t a place I can serve society?”Came into direct opposition to some burdensome beliefThat I have to tryNo matter how many people ignore or reject meI have to keep offering myselfThat’s what my therapist saidAnd I don’t know if it’s true(I have, actually, fired that therapist)But, today, my approach is about getting comfortable in LimboThere’s a Catholic belief that babies who die before baptismHave to wait out the Second Coming in this in-between placeNot heavenNot hellJust limboFeels familiarAnd if I’m going to be here a whileAs I have been in this specific area of my lifeI may as well exercise my acceptance muscleStop being certain there’s a different expression of lifeWherein my role in the world is flourishing in a way that is evident to myselfI have tried every door, every window, every mouse hole with both left hand and rightLimbo is not releasing meSo, I may as well wash the windowsMaybe get a new bathmatHang a picture or twoGet comfortableAnd make the desperate parts of me some tea and crackersNot because anything has changedBut because I’ve lived long enough to knowResistance costs peaceSo I may as well make myself at home This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com