What to Do When He Pulls Away

I want to talk about what to do when he pulls away. And it just might involve getting "selfish". And I don’t necessarily mean dropping a couple grand for a spa day or buying yourself Stuart Weitzman heels, though if that's your thing, go for it! I’ve just been reading the brilliant classic book THE DANCE OF INTIMACY by Dr. Harriet Goldhor Lerner and my highlighter pen is relinquishing its life in a consecrated quest to capture the profundity. It explains so much of what I strive to be about and to help you with, in a better way than I’ve ever been able to. Does the following quote not speak so succinctly to the mission and movement of Be the Change in Your Marriage? (Dr. Lerner from the book:) “Pushing a partner to change is about as effective as trying to make friends with a squirrel by chasing it.” Honestly, though, every time we reactively push for a different behavior from our husbands, we only get a more heaping dose of samesies. When our anxiety is high around a certain issue, we tend to either overfunction, as in calling the shots, taking over, focusing on the other person in an energy of worry or anger and becoming overly responsible, or we underfunction, distancing ourselves, freezing, ignoring and avoiding. And get this: none of it is bad or wrong! Listen to this quote: “Overfunctioning, underfunctioning, fighting, pursuing, distancing, and child-focus or other-focus are normal, patterned ways to manage anxiety. One way is not better or more virtuous than another.” So how do we close the distance with a spouse who’s ignoring us? This episode will give you some ideas. To participate in a live group training this week on the same topic with accompanying worksheets, join us in this group. Message me here for questions and advice. REFERENCE: THE DANCE OF INTIMACY by Dr. Harriet Goldhor Lerner This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit bethechangeinyourmarriage.substack.com