When He's a Categorical Snotlord

Now what do you do when your husband acts like a categorical snotlord?  When he talks like a complete jerk, or as Shakespeare would say, a droning, dog-hearted death-token?Let’s say you tell him you’re too tired for sex, and he calls you a “frigid beach… towel”.  It’s so easy, when the man says something so inexcusably rude, to react with shock and outrage, call him your own choice names, to shun him, to add it to the long list of reasons you plan to leave the marriage, to hold on to the hurt, say, “I don’t have to take this,” and stonewall him for the rest of the night.It’s also so very natural to say, “Why should he get a pass?”  “Why does he get to say whatever he wants and I’m just expected to take it?”  “Why am I the one who has to make the effort here?Let’s be clear.  You don’t have to.  You don’t have to treat him any better than he deserves.  You have the right to be offended and punish him and shut him out and let both of you pass the night in alienated, disconnected misery. All of these courses of action are available and understandable.It would be weird if you didn’t feel and behave in one or more of those ways at such a time.But is that how you want things to go?What if you could find a weird way to make it turn out differently?  What if you could be the weird change that makes married life better and more enjoyable, and the world a better place?  Would it be worth the effort?  Would it be worth things being unfair if you could love each other and feel cozy again?But I don’t want to love a man who calls me names like that.I get it.  But he’s there.  You’re married to him (unfortunately, it feels like, right?) And you have a situation inviting you to respond to it.  What do you do?Our fight or flight brains like to tell us there are only two alternatives, fight back and punish him, or cave and get taken advantage of.But there is always a miraculous third and better alternative.  It is stronger than any of those reactive punishments, and at the same time, kinder than caving and acting the victim.Listen to this episode to get a step-by-step breakdown.It can be lonely work and dadgum hard to push forward with on your own steam.My clients get daily personalized support through the strenuous work of healing their marriages and it’s hard to think of an investment that pays richer dividends than delicious love at home.  If you’re ready to talk about making that commitment, and moving forward with a proven plan for a happier love life, message me the words, “Love at Home” on Instagram.If you only knew how much I believe in you.You deserve all the love and happiness you can hold.bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.comSources: Shakespearean Insult GeneratorJames "Fish" Gill on Instagrampeacefulmindpeacefullife on Instagram This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit bethechangeinyourmarriage.substack.com