When Working Hard Isn’t Working

I recently did something that felt vulnerable in a way I didn’t quite expect. I brought a recording of a couples session to my case consultation group. I had transcribed it carefully, read it over more than once, thought about it endlessly, and came in ready to dissect what I had done wrong. As I presented the case to my colleagues I let them know I felt embarrassed by what I was going to share.During the consultation, my supervisor gently pointed out something I hadn’t noticed. She said that she’s noticed that I’m the only one in the group who sends a written summary before presenting a case. The only one who transcribes every word of a clip. The only one who reads a book beforehand and quotes from it in the session itself.She looked at me – both in the therapy clip and in our consultation group – and said simply, “You’re working so hard.” I let her words land. Within moments, tears rose up quickly and unexpectedly. As they streamed down my face, I said, “I don’t know how not to.”That realization reverberates far beyond that one therapy session into my personal life. In so many heterosexual relationships, I see a familiar dance unfold. She works hard to improve the relationship. He feels criticized or inadequate and defends, explains, fixes, or withdraws. She works harder because she feels anxious and alone in her effort, and he moves farther away because he feels under threat.Neither of them is doing anything wrong.The Repair Your Relationship Podcast is hosted by Stacey Curnow, a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Relationship Specialist, and founder of Asheville Family Counseling.