Where Does Grief Live?

Episode 3 of Unwell, Not Undone is out and we’re talking about something that impacts people with chronic mental and physical health issues, and that’s grief. I know it can be a heavy topic, but we're holding this one carefully and respectfully today. This episode is a little different to how we usually do things. We’re not just only talking about grief today, I wanted to actually show you something you can do with it, in your body, next time it shows up. Chronic illness brings grief and loss from so many directions, and that can be really complex and layered. * Loss of employment and identity * Loss of connections and relationships * Loss of future plans * Loss of trust in your body * Loss of independence * Loss of the security of financial income * Loss of self esteem I’m sure you can name many more, right? Each of us have our very own laundry list. It would be nearly impossible to cover all of that in this episode. (We could be talking for days if we did! ) This one in particular though is about what you can actually do when grief arrives, wherever it comes from, and for whatever reason it shows up. I wonder if you’ve ever found yourself standing at the kitchen sink, or anywhere at all really, and felt your body suddenly tighten in some way, or your breath catch or have your shoulders drop under an invisible weight of something you don’t have a name for? Has that happened to you? It's happened to me. What do YOU do when it happens? Do you distract yourself immediately? Do you push it back down wherever it came from like holding a beach ball underwater? Do you go into problem solving mode? Do you dissociate? What’s in this episode We talk about a few things in this episode- *How to move out of our heads where grief can just spin in circles and drop down into how it actually feels inside our bodies. * How to tune into grief physically, noticing where it sits and becoming curious about its colour, weight and shape. * The shift from rushing through our feelings to try and fix them, and how validating them makes room for them instead of making them bigger as we fear. * A simple way to hold grief- placing a hand on that spot, sending warmth and care into the space, breathing in and around it, giving it a slow pat if that helps, and offering words like, ‘This is grief. I see you. You’re allowed to be here. Thankyou for showing me how much this matters to me’. * The glimmer underneath all of it: you don’t need to only wait for others to validate your feelings of loss and grief. It’s a gift you can bring to yourself right when it’s needed. * How to ask yourself what you need in this moment to provide comfort for your nervous system. Is it a simple cup of tea, a hot shower, busy hands, a safe person, a pet. None of this is fixing the loss or chasing it away but simply offering yourself care. A little personal reflection on how grief caught up with my body after leaving a job I cared about deeply. Warning - Vulnerability alert!! Today’s Glimmer Practice Can we try something together? Take a few moments and bring your attention into your body rather than your thoughts. Notice whether a feeling is there. If there is, where is it located in your body? Get curious about it: does it have a colour, a shape, a weight, a texture? Try and pay attention to it. Take a few steady breaths and breathe down into that place. See if you can imagine making a little bit more room around the feeling without trying to push it away or get rid of it. When you breathe in, imagine your breath is care and compassion. Imagine how warm and comforting it feels. Now, place a hand gently on that spot. Let it rest there, or give it a slow, deliberate pat, the kind you’d give a baby if you were holding them up over your shoulder, except slower than that, slow enough to actually feel each one land. Like a slow heartbeat. If it helps, you can say something like “This is grief. I see you, I know this is hard, you’re allowed to be here.” Then ask, gently, what would actually help right now, not what would fix it, just what would bring a small bit of comfort to this exact moment. Sometimes what comes up is an old coping pattern or escape route..like drinking, dissociating, or numbing out in any number of unhelpful ways and simply because it’s familiar. If that happens, you don’t have to beat yourself up. Try again and ask yourself gently what would bring real and helpful comfort. Listen to what comes up again. Is it a cup of tea or coffee. A hot shower. Something for your hands to do. Time with someone who feels safe. A few minutes with a pet. Time in the sunshine. Take a moment to tune in to the sensation. Notice it. Give it a shape. Validate it. Add gentle touch if it helps. Ask what it needs to bring calm and comfort right now, because learning to meet your own grief means you never have to leave yourself alone, or behind Listen and Support * Listen to Episode 3: You can stream “Where Does Grief Live?” on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your shows. Please feel free to share this episode with a friend if it helped you or you thought of them during your listen. * Find Me: Come and say hi and follow me on Instagram @unwellnotundone or email me at [email protected] * Support the Show: If this episode kept you company or brought a glimmer to your day, you’re always welcome to buy me a chai over on Ko-fi. It’s a gentle, simple way to support the podcast and helps keep the lights on. No pressure, ever! Being unwell took things. It didn’t take everything, and it didn’t take your own ability to care for yourself through what it did take. My Love, please remember. You may be Unwell, but you’re not Undone. See you in a fortnight :) Kris This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit unwellnotundone.substack.com