Welcome to T2Dumb to Tame, I'm Yupinchoff, and today I'm going to try to answer the question. Why do people love bad movies? Okay. Say hello to my middle friend.
Is that a good movie or bad movie? All right, before we dive in, let's just address the elephant in the room. Her name is Gwyneth Paltrow, and everything she does explodes into flames, but people keep buying it. Like, what a fucking life, man.
You get to do sliding doors and then sell bogus, but fuckery that explodes in people's faces, and they just don't want you to stop. They just want you to keep glowing. Fucking, oh my God. Like, there's some people that I think are insane, and then I think she's so far gone, she must just feel so normal.
Okay, so this smells like my vagina. This thing right here is a candle that they sell on Goop, and it exploded into flames in the living room of a UK woman who won the product in a quiz. Okay, let's just unpack that. She won that in a quiz.
So she gave Goop all her data, all her info, so they could fucking do whatever cyber criminals do. And she won a vagina candle that smells like Gwyneth. Like Gwyneth Paltrow has the balls to be like, what you really want, like what a prize would be for you is smelling my regime. Like, everybody wants it, not everybody gets it.
You won, like when you fucking go to a fair and you shoot water at a circle, and you get like a big stuffed animal, because it's like cute and fluffy and big and ridiculous and awesome, that's a prize. But you get to have Gwyneth Paltrow's fucking tuna Tuesday burning in your house, and she's gonna tell you that that's the kind of prize you deserve. Like, Jesus Christ, man. Like, I kind of feel bad, but I don't, because like, what kind of, anyone taking that kind of quiz has got to expect only the worst from Goop.
Nothing they've ever done has been good. It's just lawsuit after lawsuit after fire. The candle exploded and emitted huge flames with bits flying everywhere. Question, what bits are gonna candle?
Are these like part of her, her Libya? Her Libya's in the candle and like bits go flying. Like from her actual vagina, bits went flying everywhere. Like, no candle I've ever had, sorry, maybe I don't have bougie enough candles, or just a good all of the Yankee.
Like, they don't have bits in them. Like, this isn't a candle Jodi Thompson 50 from the UK. Quote, I've never seen anything like it. The whole thing was a blaze and it was too hot to touch, usually fire is.
There was an inferno in the room. Like, I can't tell if like Jodi was like milking this, because like, it seems like, I don't know. It seems like the whole thing was a blaze, the candle, because that's what they do, they blaze. They light on fire, like that's what a candle's supposed to do.
I feel like this, I don't know how trustworthy Jodi Thompson is. Thompson lives with her partner David Snow. Okay, that's made up. David Snow said they threw the flaming candle out the front door.
Quote, it could have burned the place down. It was scary at the time, but funny looking back, like when it's vagina candle exploded in my living room, she said, well, this is why I won't quit comedy, because there's something funny for everyone out there. I don't know why that would be funny. Looking back, it was funny that her fucking vagina smell almost burnt your house down Jodi.
Like, do you think when it's gonna come to your, your beck and rescue or call or rescue? If your house had actually gone down in a blaze, she would have been like, shoot me a lawsuit. I eat those for breakfast, but like, I don't really care what happened to you. Paltrow launched the $75 candle in January, 2020.
Last thing I'll say about it. So the candle started as a joke between perfumer, Douglas Littl and Gwyneth Paltrow. The two were working on a fragrance and she blurted out, this smells like a vagina. Again, so that's apparently for them, that's a joke.
For Jodi, her house almost going down is a joke. So you see comedy is just, there's something out there for everyone, which means, you know, even if an audience is dead one night, there's another audience just waiting to chuckle me timbers. It evolved into a funny, gorgeous, sexy and beautifully unexpected scent that turned out to be perfect as a candle. Like, what kind of life do you live?
Are you in your perfumer friend or just like fucking around with like oils and like incense and like bodily fluids? And you're like, oh, this smells like a vagina. Oh my God, what a funny, gorgeous, sexy scent. Wrap it up, pack it, ship it, sell it.
75 bones, it's a gift basically, it's basically a freebie. Scent notes include geranium, citrusy, bergamot and cedar juxtaposed with Damascus rose and ambret seed. I'm sorry, Gwen. Did your perfumer friend Douglas Whittle tell you that you're tuna smelled like that?
Or do you just know that? Is that something you raked eat out of yourself? How close have you gotten your own face to your vagina? Or do you rub it on one of those little like scent papers and then wafted in front of you to catch the smell?
Like how do you know what your, and like just the audacity to be like, just a mmm, geranium and citrusy bergamot and some cedar? Juxed opposed with some rose and ambret seed. Like are you fucking insane Gwen? Your vagina smells like a sewer.
Like that's it. Because like you know the healthier you are, the more your vagina probably smells like, I don't know, like flax and like kale. Like it probably smells like spoiled kale or cabbage. And that's fine.
I'm just saying like, who are you to decide what your vagina's like? Okay. And also like how it started as like, oh, this smells like a vagina, but then it morphed into this smells like my vagina because like God forbid something is in about her. And then it exploded in this woman's house.
And I just thought it was important to talk about because you know, it's all fun and games until you spend $75 on a vagina. And it explodes in your house, sending bits flying everywhere. And your made up husband, David Snow, has to throw it out of your house. Out the front door, how big is this candle?
David, lick your finger and put it out. Like what, have you never worked with a candle before? I can put it out, dry fingers. Clamp the little flame.
Like I'm just, I just don't know what they could have possibly sent to these people. Probably like the, whatever didn't go out in the shipment, like the shit candles. What do they, like the, or like the testers? I don't know, whatever wasn't gonna be sold for $75.
They put all the rest together. It's like on salami. They took all the leftover shit parts of other candles, put them all together through some dynamite in the middle. I sent it to Jodi Thompson.
Oh my God. I think this whole thing is made up. Jodi Thompson sounds made up and so does David Snow. And I feel like if Gwyneth is probably like a genius, like I'm sure she is.
She's living her absolute best life. Of course I'm jealous. I wanna make candles that smell like my anus and for people to spend all the money on them. So I get it.
But maybe these are all made up and Gwyneth realize that like, every lawsuit that comes her way is like another thing that sells on goop. Like it just makes her more and more popular because she's so trendy and trending. This made her trend. I bet it was made up Jodi Thompson from the UK.
Okay. I'm gonna investigate. I'm really good at investigating. I'm not gonna go on Facebook.
Just kidding. I'm never gonna go on Facebook. Okay. Moving forward.
What were we talking about? Oh, why do people love bad movies? Okay. Why?
Why? Why? Okay. How did this begin?
It began because this weekend I watched Anaconda with some friends and well, I more so listened to it for a friend's birthday. We were celebrating birthday and everyone was like, let's watch Anaconda. And even though most people have seen it a million times and it's not good. Like on someone who's like, let me see the reviews first before we waste the rest of our lives watching this two hour flick, yeah, fucks.
But they're like, no, it's the best. It's so bad. And like, I love most bad things, but this is a phenomenon that I cannot wrap my head around. I don't understand.
And watching bad TV shows are not even bad TV shows. I guess just re-watching stuff too, I saw some weirds me out. It's like eat it the first time. Don't regurgitate it and fucking eat it again and talk about it while you're eating it the second time.
It's just so strange. And you all know that you've all seen it. So it's new for no one and it's bad. But it's like, but that's what you want.
Is that what you really want? I think everyone's lying. You could all just admit that no one wants to see it. We could just not.
And then they make seven more of them anyway. Anyway, so I'll be honest, I didn't really watch Anaconda. I was crocheting a plush penis during the film, not because I didn't want to pay attention. It's just that I knew there was going to be a lot of snakeage.
I mean, maybe that bad that the name has nothing to do with it. They had just had a hat full of ideas and they were like, pick one out, we'll call it that. But I was assuming it was going to be scary and there was going to be an Anaconda. And I didn't want to distress the neighbors.
We're living in stressful times. I didn't want a citizen alert going out being like, fucking, someone's being, there's a murder happening. So I didn't watch the screen for very much of it. The plush peen, by the way, turned out fantastic.
I don't mean to brag. It's one of my best pieces of work. And it was soothing to make something so soft, it was a velvet yarn, a burnot velvet crushed baby velvet yarn. And so I felt very nice in my hands, very soothing, very calming.
So when there were moments when the audio was really giving me anxiety, it felt nice just to have a dick in my hand or parts of it. Bits flying everywhere, just a ball over here and a ball over there. So Anaconda, if you don't know, it was a 1997 American Adventure horror film, starring Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, John Voight, Eric Stoltz, Jonathan Hyde, and of course, Alwyn Wilson. Wow.
It focuses on a documentary film crew in the Amazon rainforest that is captured by a snake hunter who is hunting down a giant legendary green Anaconda. Is that what it focuses on? All I know is like, by minute seven, like I had barely sat down and popped a popcorn in my gullet and someone was already eaten. Like, I don't even know what the documentary film crew, what were they going to make a film about?
Was it about the Anaconda or just J-Lo's inability to find a brawl? Like, I don't know what the original documentary was about. There's J-Lo and then who's that girl? The other girl.
The production manager is just so fucking like a horn town USA. Like she just, she like talks shit in front of people's backs while fucking like jerking them off. Like I don't even know what was going on with her, but it was tragic. Like, and J-Lo is just like J-Lo and she's like the director, which is fine.
It's like, part of me was like, oh, that's a mazang. You're in the Amazon rainforest making a documentary film that no one knows what it's about. And you don't even wear a bra, but you're the director, Andrew Woman, and this is 1997. Like part of me is like, I shouldn't say that's it.
It's gold, you know? I think we've only gone downhill from there since. But then, okay, so I heard a lot of like screaming by like minute seven, it's already like at the end. It starts at the end.
And part of me is like, that would be good because it's like not wasting time. But this is the one time I'd be like, time, there was time that needed to be wasted. And by wasted, I mean setting up any sort of like plot or like anything. But I think Owen Wilson ends up inside the snake.
Again, I didn't have a lot of my eyes on the screen, but at one point I heard him, but he sounded like a bit muffled. And I was like, what happened to Owen? And they're like, he's inside, do they anaconda? Like, does he come out?
Does he go in, come out? He gets eaten and then just like hangs out in there, finishes the doc, he cuts the rest of the documentary from inside the anaconda. He was the sound guy, typical. Also, what a strange assortment of people.
Like I think that's what gave me the most like acid reflux from the get go. It's like everyone on their own is like fine, not that girl, I don't know who she is. Could do without her. But like J-Lo is obviously like fucking amazing.
She'd already done Selena. Like she like proved herself to be everything she could have ever be and need to be. Owen Wilson doesn't make any sense ever, but that's like what makes him so unique and amazing. Like everyone on their own is a thing, except for John Boy, like what the fuck is that?
I don't really know where he stole it, it isn't Jonathan Huy, sorry you don't care. Was one of those that they had an accent, they were like British, what do they do in the film? Were they like the producer? No, the British guy was the talent.
Oh, the British guy was the talent. Sure, sure, sure. Ice Cube, again, like all these people on their own make sense, but you put them all together and it suddenly like, what are people and why? Like Ice Cube, I don't know.
Like he's wearing like a bandana, but like in a gang way, do you know what I mean? Like folded in like, this is my bandana, not like not like I'm on safari and this is my bandana. It's like like I'm Ice Cube and this is my bandana because I'm going to the rain forest. Cool, that's all I needed for my bandana.
What did he do? What was he on the movie? Ice Cube. Ice Cube was the DP.
Oh, he was the DP of course. I don't think I saw anyone do their job. Like I think J-Lo sort of just like got Dewey and sort of like pouted, but also was like stressed out. Founda brought one point I think she put one on.
All I know is everyone watching was keeping tabs on the bra and suddenly at one point it popped in. The final fight to her bra just for support, you know? And then okay, also J-Lo has no eyebrows, which is why something wasn't clicking for me. I know that's J-Lo and I know this was 1997, since a million years ago, but it's not like she's really changed that much, but something about her just wasn't right.
And I realized it's that she has no eyebrows. Like she sort of looks like an egg. And it made me a little nostalgic, I think, like for my eyebrows, like my childhood, like I also had one eyebrow here. How hers fully came back, we'll never know.
Mine have not, but seeing her, meaning remember like why we all did it. I don't know why we all did it, but she was doing it. I feel like I've been robbed and cheated because it's like people like her can get them back. But us normals just have to go on like hoping that the side hairs will come back in.
And for me, few and far between. What else? Okay. Oh, okay, now I really want to talk about like the real artistic integrity of this film and maybe why it's so popular and maybe why people love to rewatch it is John Voigt's accent work is phenomenal.
It's like you cannot place any of them. They go in and out like seamlessly. I don't even think he opened his eyes during the whole film. Who is he and why he's seen this film also?
He's someone that was born the age that he is in this movie which is like ancient, but also like throwing out accents like fucking, I don't know. Was he ever young? I think he was young. I think he did some movies that he was like no one for it when he was young, but it doesn't matter.
He feels like he's always been this age that he is in this movie. Was he the get? I feel like J-Lo should have and was the like reason that this could happen other than the snake that everyone was dying to see. I don't know why John Voigt is in this film.
I don't know who picked him for this film who cast him in it. Did he just like throw his fucking BDE around? Was like, I need to be in a Kanda. And then just showed up on set with like a deck of cards and he's like pick a card any card and he picked one out and was a good different accent that he would try.
Like what was he fucking doing? Also like I don't know who the director is, Luis Losa, Yosa, LLOSA. I don't know his other work. I don't know how many movies he had made or if he made any or like where he was in his directing career, but like eyes on the accent.
Like someone's got to have tabs on that. How much of this movie it cost to make? It cost, oh my God, box office, gross USA, 60. It cost $45 million to make this film.
It made $137. It made one? It made one 37, but it cost $45 million. Okay, $45 million.
J-Lo didn't even need a bra. So cut that costume, done, out. No one had to do her eyebrows. That's it, done, gone.
Like there was so little money put into any other part of this film, like the script. I don't even know if they went in with one. So maybe they never even paid anyone to write it. Who knows?
The snake, obviously I don't know if they're like sack after or what their situation is. But you couldn't pay someone a dollar to like keep a fucking ear open to be like, Hey John, boy, you've morphed into like accent number 27. Can we reel it in? Also from the get go, I think he's supposed to be Spanish.
And I don't know if maybe, is it just me or does he feel pretty white? And I know it's like, oh, it's back in the day. Like, whiteies did what they wanted. No one said anything about it.
But like, did we ever take a moment to like check in? Cause the weird thing is when you like shitty movies, like a lot of them are like old, so they have like really big issues. And I feel like it is what it is. But at the same time, like I feel like no one was as a, a Paul, like I think I'm starting to know whether we're triggered means, cause every time he opens his mouth, like my whole body, like I did what he does in the movie where he's like sitting, I think he's like tied up.
I don't know, he's either half close. Like so he has the same reaction to everything, which is just sort of like, I'm trying to blink. It's weird. We're like people that were bifocal.
So they're always looking at you like a little bit like their chin is up and but they're looking down. It's like, why do people make glasses that have two different prescriptions in them? It makes everything a goddamn mess. Like he leans his head back and like looks down and he does that thing in the movie where he's like, I don't know if he's tied up or something's on the ground.
And then suddenly he just shoots up into the sky. Like he had been closing his eyes the whole movie to save up energy to do that. Even though like, what was that? Why did that happen?
He does his own stunts. What's up? Like he couldn't, he had to really slow down his heart rate and everything else throughout the whole process so that he could do that one moment. He jumps up into the sky suddenly.
Like he does like fucking vertical parkour. I don't know, he doesn't even use anything to bounce off of. He just shoots into the sky and like leaps up onto his feet. And that's what I felt every time he did an accent.
Like I could have flown backwards out of the front door of that apartment every time he spoke. Why would he be Spanish in the first place? Like I just, I know that back in the day everything that was wrong was right, but someone thought that was right. Like he's, he's Slovakian and German.
He also looks very white. He also is a trumper. Like you couldn't smell that from him. Fucking from the rainforest.
And he plays a Spanish dude in the rainforest in the Amazon who happens to speak like Tony Montana. And then it sort of morphs into like more like Italian and then morphs into like someone who's just lost all feeling in their mouth. Like he's trying to like, his mouth is slowly sliding off. What's that artist where everything's sliding off?
Dolly. Like that's him like moving through molasses, his face is falling off literally. Like he's holding his skull tilted back and up a little bit because his face is sliding off. And so is his mouth and he's trying to speak.
And the accents are just, I just wonder if they cast him as like a regular dude and he just brought all this to the table. Like as an actor, he's like, love the movie. The idea is average, but here's, here's, I'll do it if I can do this. Got a handful of accents I'd like to dabble.
I'd like to try them. No, not like try one. I'd like to try them all during the film. I'd like that to be my rehearsal.
And if we don't have time to do reshoots, that's fine. Take it as is. It's a process, you know? I'm an actor, I'm not perfect.
It's a journey. And then I'd like to do once done, but because I'm 117 years old, I'm gonna have to not move much throughout the rest of the film. And then if someone could actually just like, shoot me into the air, no, I know I said it was my own stun, but I'm gonna need someone to shoot me vertically because that's not a stun anyone can do. Because it's nothing.
I fly vertically and land on my feet. Because what else do Spanish men in the rainforest do? He catches the production manager and crushes her, kills her between his knees. Apparently I've been told that he crushes the production manager between his knees.
He jumps up into the air. Oh, he jumps up into the air and then cats. Scissors for her neck and the injuries and then kills her and he's like baby. He kills her and then says baby bird.
He calls her baby bird. And then doesn't he like make out with J-Lo? What does he say? I've never.
It's been a long time since I've had a woman. So that's not creepy at all. Maybe J-Lo put on a bra when he wrapped, like shooting, but he was still on set and she was like this fucking creepy ass motherfucker. I just wanna know what he brought to the table that made him so necessary to this film.
Like I would take any other whitey being Spanish more than him. Like he just in this movie, it's, I don't know, watching him try to open his eyes. It's just exhausting and horrifying. And then every time he opens his mouth, you're just like, where are you from?
But also where are you from? Is he supposed to be from the Amazon? Or like he moved there and then like felt like he had been there long enough that he could just say he was one of them or he knows someone who's from the Amazon. So then suddenly he's just, I don't know, making a back sense.
Okay. So Anaconda's, I was like, I tried not to look up. I looked up at one moment and Anaconda is just like, I know it's supposed to be scary, but you can only like blow things out of proportion so much before it becomes like, I think the biggest one ever is like 21 or 22 feet in length. And that was like a bit bigger than most of them.
So that's not like an average size, 22 feet in length. How big do you think this one in the movie was? Like 700 feet? Like it was the Amazon.
Like the Amazon is actually not, like the water in the Amazon is actually just one long snake. That's it. Cause like it was, I don't know, it was just too big. It's not scary.
It's just like someone needs to rain it in. We need something believable. We had nothing to hold onto. We didn't have J-Lo's eyebrows.
We didn't have one person that looked like they knew where or what the Amazon was or why they were there. A documentary doesn't even happen. So we have nothing to hold onto to ground us. And then you're gonna throw a 700 foot snake at us in real life.
In the movie from Climb Trees. I mean, don't get me wrong. Snakes are literally insane. It's a two, but that walks.
It makes no sense. That's creepy enough, man. You can throw a three inch out and not be like, whaaaaa! Like nothing is scarier than something that has no reason to be able to move forward.
And yet for, I guess with like sheer will, it can do whatever it wants. Where are its legs? Where does it move from? It doesn't make sense.
So again, you didn't need to make a 700 feet for it to be scary. It was scary as a concept. If you're just like, hey, there's something that's a tube and it does whatever it wants, creepy or no? Of course.
Nothing's creepier. Like I don't even know if like a fucking murderer, not to my door. If I'd be more scared of that dude, who's been like known to have murdered all the people or have a snake politely asked to borrow eggs? I think I would fucking be more scared of a snake.
Do people borrow eggs? I guess you take them. That's weird. It's like, can I borrow these?
Cause I'll hatch a few later. Give them to you. Do they make eggs? Do they have a bee hole?
Do snakes have a slit? Does anything come in or out of a snake? Oh my God, it has a mouth. I know.
Does it take jizz in the mouth? How does another snake make a snake inside a snake? Oh my God, do they get pregnant? Oh my God.
They lay eggs from where? Does the tip of their tail open or do they have a hole in the middle of their body? But if they slither, how does shit not get stuck in their hole? Is the hole on the top like a dolphin?
Oh God. Or does it close up? It has a mouth like a milker. It's remembering.
It seals over. Oh, it feels so sick. I feel so sick. This is what I mean guys.
Snakes are scary enough. You overshot it. Louise, Loya. You barely needed anything.
You could have just sat in a director's chair and read about snakes and you had a hat us. We would have been fucking shit in our pants. Seriously, man, do they lay them out of their mouths? Oh my God.
Do they have dicks? Are they all the same? Are snake women the same as snake men? Do they have a gender?
Are they, oh my God, do they mount each other? Oh my God, do they go like a ass-dass? Or like human-sentently-gassed mouth? They put the tail in the mouth and poop out whatever makes eggs happen.
How do eggs happen? Do they make a bunch of eggs? Oh my God, do they line them up like Pez? And then like, do they shoot out a bunch or do they make one special orb?
Do you want to make a bunch? Yes. Apparently snakes have two peeps. OK, well.
Hemi peeps. Snakes apparently have two peens. Literally, what did I tell you? All you had to do was describe what a snake is and that is a horror film.
Wait, they have two peens called what? Hemi peens. Hemi? Hemi.
Hemi. Like Hemi. Like Hemi Martin? Ha ha ha ha ha.
Oh shit, OK. Oh God. OK, why snakes have two penises and alligators are always erect? Oh my God, alligators are the hard snake.
They are, man. They're over-commoding, but at the same time, I feel like they're always erect because they talk a big game, but they also have a hard dick. You know what I mean? It's not just they're talking a big game.
It's like they can actually show up. OK, from spiky penises to an extra click. Oh my God. Fuck you National Geographic.
First of all, I want to enter my email to continue reading. Second of all, how dare you show that image? Pop it up in my face and then put this ad in my face? Hey, Naz, for any of this, I was trying to read the title.
I don't want to enter my email address. I don't know if I'm a subscriber. Ask one of Paltrow. Send me a candle.
OK, everyone wants my stuff. OK, from spiky penises to an extra clitoris, reptile reproductive parts don't lack for a variety. More than 10,000 reptile species in every shape and size. Oh, God.
OK, spiky penises to multiple penises or none at all. They have the most unusual mating gear on Earth. I swear to God, National Geographic. Sauce on my sauce.
There you go. You got my fake email address. You fuck dick. OK.
Oh, shit. The picture popped up again. They're definitely out to get me. OK, I don't want to buy anything from UNASH.
Jesus Christ. My God. You have as many dicks as a goddamn snake. OK, most of the current knowledge of reptilian genotone on focuses on male parts.
But scientists are turning more and more to the study of the female counterparts. It's just a bit trickier, since female parts are situated inside the animal. Ew, ew, ew, ew. Oh my God, sorry.
They're dicks, don't look like dicks at all. It looks like a skin tag. And one of them looks like it has poop on it. I don't know what's happening.
It's like two thick nips that have been to war side by side that come out of the middle. Oh my God, nothing's organized about this. Nothing. Oh my gosh.
This was definitely like the very last minute, Adendum. Like, you're going to have two dicks. Do it for a reason. It's like they got the shittiest shit dick.
And then two, just in case. Oh my God. Snake and lizards have not just one but two penis. It's called Hemi-peens.
Many peens. Hemi-peens. Having two Hemi-peens. Wait, so you have two Hemi-peens or is it a Hemi-peen?
Is the Hemi the duo of the peen? Or each one is a Hemi-peen. So you have two Hemi-peens. May benefit, may all during mating.
If you better benefit them or the fuck else would you do this, man? Oh, this looks like fucking like little chunk. This looks like what flew out of Gwyneth-Paltrow's candle. Bits.
These are little bits. It's literally like jacked nips. Like when you run a marathon or whatever and your nips get all chafed or something, I don't know. Don't they put those little band-aids on their nips?
It looks like two, they took two of those nips that went through like the hardest of marathons. Sold them together like they were ball sacks. And then had it come out of the middle of a snake. Who decides to study this?
Like I'm sorry, science is very important and I'm not talking shit because someone's got to do it and I'm sure in some, for some reason, this matters. And I guess it's helped us. I don't know, maybe they are going to create like a two-spout bottle similar to the Hemi-peens for twins or something. I don't know.
But you learn stuff, right? Whenever I'm like, why are we wasting our time going to the moon? My husband's always like, all the things we've learned by them trying to make it to the moon? Divers?
I don't know, stuff like that. But I'm really struggling to know why we need to study this. Goddamn double dick monster. Like you go into college being like, I can't wait to keep at it in my pursuit of the Hemi-peens.
Do you fall into it? You slip and fall and suddenly you're enough fucking Hemi-peen delirium. You get your fucking master's pH. You meet all these other Hemi-peen fanatics?
Are there Hemi-peen conventions? Oh, what does dinner like with a bunch of just knowledgeable Hemi-peen folk? I do often never know. Just sitting on their wine fucking twiddling each other's nips being like, oh, what do I get?
I have a Hemi-peen. You're a single peen. Oh, if you two ladies stand together, you make a Hemi-peen with your single Hemi's. If you have really big titties, you can pull your nips together and there you go.
Hemi-peen, DIY Hemi-peen, you snake. Okay, snakes from, okay, massive mating aggregations in which, wait, what does this talk about? Oh, in the case of Garde-snakes, I've studied being able to meet from on one side of the female or the other. It might be useful in intense mating competition.
Jesus Christ. Again, I don't think animals are into consent at all, but this sounds like the ladies really have the card stacked against them. The males have two dicks so they can come at them from any angle. My God, it's dangerous enough in the rainforest.
Now you got all these men double-dicking you? That's because the snakes from what Free the End calls a massive male, okay, in which from five to 100 males compete for a single female by searching for her within the mating ball, Jesus Christ. This is literally a fancy way of saying gangbang. Five to 100 males search for her within the mating ball?
I don't know what a mating ball is, but don't sound good. It might be advantageous to be flexible about which side of the female and male finds himself, because they use the hemipines closest to the female to mate. So they just jabber anywhere with their, also the dicks aren't that far apart. It's just sort of leaning towards one side.
Is this a broken hemipine? Is this a mini hemipine? Two hemipines of a male cobra. Yeah, it's like, they're pretty tiny and they're just sort of, it doesn't really feel like it's on either side, but I guess this just means like wherever he, however he hits her, there's gonna be a pin.
100 males compete like at the same time, or just like throughout like dates and like they're all like over time vying for her attention. Vying or buying? Vying? What does that mean?
Or does this just mean one day 100 males get together? Like like, but then we'll be West Side Story. And they just all come at her like a gang of fucking hemipines and they throw her into like a fighting ring or a mating ball. Oh, maybe it's a mating ball like a debutante ball, a mating ball and she's all dressed up for the quinceñera.
And they all dance around and like flash their hemipines from all angles. And she's like, ooh, ooh, ooh. And then other people are watching like an opera with their little spectacles, I don't know. Something like that.
I feel like it's something much rougher. Cause this guy looks like someone took a bite out of one of his peens. He looked like literally, he tried to jab it in the woman and she bit it off. She was like, cut it out.
This is disgusting. They put them back in when they're done. Also, last thing I'll say is like, I felt like the scales of a snake or like the bottom, they got texture is one piece. And this just like comes out in the middle like it looks like it ripped or something.
And that seems unsafe. So they are sliding, oh, maybe that's why these are beat up. Cause if you're sliding around with this, just hang out. That's literally like saying like, I don't know, like you're just gonna do a slip and slide on sandpaper with your nips out.
Shit is gonna get tore up. Like I did Tough Mudder, which is like an obstacle course in the mud and I just remember there was like barbed wire and we had like be in the mud and like get under them. And I, the amount I like rubbed my front body on rocks and sharp shit in the goddamn mud hurt so bad. Like I just never thought about how much my belly button comes into contact with like nothing unsafe.
And it was just like hitting rocks left and right, scraping, scratching, fucking bleeding. And that was just for a few minutes. This snake is just, oh, no wonder they're upset. Maybe they walk on their hemipenes.
Is this what sort of motivates them forward? These tiny, tiny nips, just give them a little tiny tug. I appreciate that you've decided to get the scientific definition of motivates. What?
Use the scientific definition of motivates. I did? Oh, I've been told I used a scientific definition of motivates. You're welcome ladies and gentlemen.
Maybe you get everything here. One stop shop podcast for all your fucking useless information, sometimes science. Um, okay. Okay, it's not just, and it's not just males that are doubling up female lizards and snakes have two clitorises or hemi clitoris, clitoris.
What? Or hemi clitoris, which were first described in female monitor lizards in 1995 as miniaturized mirror images of the hemipenes of the males. Oh, wow. What a surprise.
They're described as miniatur mirror images of the man-nip dicks. Like fuck you, man. Miniaturized mirror images. How about their own thing?
Like just describe them as it. Like if you would describe them first, the hemipenes would have been miniaturized mirror images of the hemiacletorae. Like have some respect. Like what?
They gotta get fucked from every angle. And you still can't like at least write them down, respectively. Like put them in history as something respectable and Wikipedia. Hemi clitora, hemiacletorae, I don't know what to say.
Hemiacletorae's and their functions are still poorly known but should be considered of defining characteristic of female lizards and snakes. Okay. Researchers Soledad Val Tysantos and Fernando Lobo of the university dad Nacional de Santa Contina reported in 2010. They reported that in a 2014 study.
We don't know shit about them, but they deserve it. Man, but it's not gonna be us. Why would they write that down in their study? Like not worth studying, but worth noting that it is not worth studying.
You were the university dad Nacional. Dacelta. And you can't like take a moment to like know anything better than poorly about these hemiacletoruses. And you wonder why you're all single lonely.
Maybe if you research that, just by going to the moon gave us diapers, you might find a partner. You might give it to your wife in a way that her and Hemi clitoris enjoys. You wouldn't have to come out or from all angles. We are fucking one dick wishing it was two.
On the other hand, the Taltara, a reptile that resembles a lizard has no penis at all. Now that's the kind of man I can wrap my head around. Oh my God. The male simply mounts the female and places the opening of his cloaca.
Oh my God, stop this. You were a cloak because that's what that sounds like. Chloe, oh my God, yeah. Sorry, you guys.
My husband is clearly well versed in that. The dickless lizard. Not even a lizard. It just resembles a lizard.
Chloe, what'd you say? Again, he says Chloe, just a fully man spreading at his desk. Like he fucking has pictures of these lizard adjacent animal just on his phone. Like he just looks at that.
The cavity where, okay, the cloaca, the cavity where the intestinal genital and urinary tract meets in reptiles over hers. This allows him to transfer sperm into her cloaca. Ew, you're wearing testins, genitals, and everything. That's your poopy, your peepee, and your, where they all meet you dump that.
Like, cloaca, cloaca sounds like a cloak, which sounds like a coat closet. So you just coat check all your shit into her coat check where you keep everything, all your business, your poopy tubes, your peepee tubes, your sperm tubes, your baby maker, your poopy maker, your peepee maker. And you just dump it in hers? Like that's no way to live your life.
Have some respect. This allows him to transfer his sperm into her cloaca. Well, I guess it's nice if you have a little less like aggressive than the, that fucking snake ball where they attack her. When she's wearing a ball gown that she probably has to return.
Instead of this, it's like, you know what? You're gonna get everything. All my stuff, my keys, wallet, like everything I got in my pocket is just gonna dump that into yours. Cool, cool.
Most birds, most birds made in similar fashion. The majority of male foul is son's phallus. Okay, that's like a, I'm sorry, science. At the end of the day, like Dickless will do son's phallus.
We've never met him. Like here's an example of a, like a Trump is son's phallus. And instead deliver sperm by rubbing cloaca to cloaca. One notable exception is found in ducks, which I've famously longed in corks, yeah, we all know about the goddamn duck dicks.
Corks are sheepinesses and vaginas. Okay, if we had enough, this is amazing. I just, I'm not saying we can't go back in time. 1997 was like a handful of a Henny Pina go.
And we can't go back. But maybe if we're looking forward, like you don't need to make things so bad to make them so bad. Like science did it for you. They made it this animal the way it was.
And that's terrifying. You don't need to throw John Voigt in the mix. They're just confusing. Jesus Christ.
Also, like sometimes what boundaries on that man. Like that's why these fucking dick balls happen. It's like you just let that dude think that that's okay. I don't care if you're an actor, get your shit together.
Journal about it, pick one accent, like boundaries. Craft, I don't know. You don't just get to do what you want with your mouth and you're fucking acting. Good Lord, like was everyone trying not to laugh the whole time or was it something they were just like all in on and they picked an accent at the beginning of the day and they were like, try this one.
And if that's what it is fine, you know, they're all different kinds of movies and acting and tastes, but that seems like we're just giving him way too much flexibility and that's how you become a trumper. You start one day in the rainforest shooting a shitty film, do an accents, like it ain't no thing. And then the next thing you know, you're making fucking like unintelligible commercials in front of an American flag. Like Jesus, God damn Christ.
More of these people need to be songs fellas. The females lost their hemipenes. What? What?
Wait, the way that these females grew hemipenes, equivalent of mammalian penis was decidedly weird. Oh my God. How are you gonna say this is weird in science? It's just science.
I thought the whole point was that it's not emotional. It's weird, decidedly weird. I don't know, you could just say something was decidedly so and decided so. Good Lord.
I need to use that more often. It just sounds so like smart. Oh, I run into a book. It's decidedly so and it's decidedly fucking dipperate.
Like what, you can't just say decidedly weird. What does that mean? Oh my God, you scientists, man. You find loopholes with your words and your brains and it's disgusting.
The way the females grew hemipenes, okay, so it's decidedly weird. They lost their hemipenes as they got close to hatching. What? The females lost their hemipenes as they got close to hatching.
This research adds to what Wisebacher calls, quote, scant knowledge of the genitalia of female reptiles. So what it sounds like to me, wise, beggar and whoever the researcher was that added to this other fucking scant knowledge is that it's not decidedly weird. It's like bitch didn't do enough research. If you knew more about it, it would be what it was.
Your saying is decidedly weird because you got bits and pieces from Gwen to the scandal and yet it can't figure out the rest. So don't blame this fucking song's foul as fucking fleeting female penis lizard situation. And call them weird, don't point fingers point when I yourself, why don't you look in the mirror and read a book and do more research on the female fucking Vigine. So through history, man, it's like, we've got to be left out, you know, all about these hemipenes and nothing about these goddamn multiple clitoris.
These hemipenes of wizards and snakes sport tiny spikes and hooks. Fucking gross, man. Again, like you saw that, you didn't want to dig into the female. You weren't like, okay, enough, enough.
It's always spiky and hooky and it's always aggressive and it comes in fucking herds and numbers from all angles. We get it, wow, you're so cool. Why don't you go make a commercial? You didn't want to dabble in the Vigine.
Typical. Scientists have a few ideas about why hemipenes exhibit this sort of ornamentation. Why don't you suck on it? According to one hip hypothesis, I thought it was gonna say hip no therapist.
And I was like, okay, okay, we need to decide what we call science first, I guess. According to one hip hypothesis, male and female genital form has adapted so that mating can occur only between a male and female of the same species. Ooh, the genitals and females and females of the same species fit together. And the spikes and hooks could help the male keep his hemipenes in place during mating yet, because no one ever wants you.
Once that he found that the spikes and hooks may also increase the duration of population of increasing mating success for who. I would stress that the female genitalia need to be studied in order to fully understand the function of elaboration of the male. Okay, oh my God, it's like we fully dove into the man, but at the same time, how can we really know men without knowing women? But again, no one really wants to dive into the women.
So more about the men. I'm not even gonna get into it. Let me just try to scan this really quick. Let me do what I did in school, which is like a pick out every fucking 10th word, okay, context clues.
I'm just trying to check out why alligators are always erect, but I don't want to give them the time of day. Male American alligators. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Got my buddy in.
How many of you could or is it ran away? Male American alligators. Most of not all other animal penises inflate from a flaccid state, but gators keep theirs permanently erect. I think that's the whole story.