Why i never won the self-help battle & the war i fought against myself

Until I realized I was fighting the wrong battle.For years, I thought the only way to feel better was to fix my broken self.I spent my whole life trying to turn myself into something else—Trying to be less anxious, less emotional, less "too much."Trying to overcome my self-doubt, my overthinking, my sensitivity.Trying to eliminate the parts of me that felt messy, broken, or inconvenient.I saw them as weaknesses. Flaws that needed to be erased.So I tried - NON-STOPI read the books.I pushed myself harderI set goals to be better, stronger, more disciplined.But no matter what I did, those parts of me never really left.They just got louder.* The more I tried to suppress my emotions, the more overwhelmed I felt.* The more I tried to "reframe" my anxiety, the more it controlled me.* The more I tried to push through exhaustion, the more disconnected I became from myself.I was at war with myself.Until I realized something that changed everything:The traits I was trying to eliminate weren’t weaknesses. They were strengths that had been misused.The self-help industry, now worth over $14 billion, keeps us stuck in loops of endless optimization. We read and integrate the same generic advice without considering whether it truly aligns with our unique patterns, needs, and circumstances.Some of the BS reframes I thought served me, when it just reinforced the behaviours I was trying so hard to “fix”:👉 Perfectionism is attention to detail—but when misused, it paralyzes you.👉 Overthinking is deep analysis—but when unregulated, it spirals into anxiety.👉 People-pleasing is emotional intelligence—but when unchecked, it leaves you drained.The real work isn’t to get rid of these traits.It’s about learning to channel them into something that serves you instead of controls you.And that’s what I had to learn the hard way. The parts of me I thought I had to fight were the very things that held my power.In the next few days, I’ll share something I’ve been working on—something for those of us who are tired of keeping it all together, tired of self-improvement that only makes us feel worse, and ready for something different.More soon.All love,Sue This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit susanshier.substack.com/subscribe