#11: Why Most Habit Change Fails (And How to Get Good at Feeling Bad) | Ryan Soave

Sobriety isn't just "not drinking"—it's learning how to live without needing relief on demand. In this episode, Michael Easter sits down with therapist Ryan Soave (18+ years sober) for a sweeping conversation on why addiction often acts like a solution to deeper pain, how fear and shame quietly run the show, and what it takes to break the compulsion loop for good. They dig into habit change that actually sticks, how to rebuild identity and community, and practical ways to regulate your nervous system so you don't have to numb yourself. Ryan Soave is a licensed mental health counselor, transformational coach, and person in long-term recovery. He has spent nearly twenty years and over ten thousand clinical hours working with people navigating trauma, addiction, and the survival patterns that quietly run their lives. His approach brings together modern neuroscience, body-based therapies, and ancient wisdom traditions, all built around one idea: most of us confuse discomfort with threat and spend our lives reacting to things that aren't actually dangerous. Learning to feel bad is the first real step toward living well. Ryan has sat on both sides of the therapeutic relationship, which shapes everything about how he works. To go deeper with Ryan or learn more about his work: Website: ryansoave.com Free course: Sign up for "How to Feel Bad (and Love Your Life)" at ryansoave.com Book a one-on-one consultation: ryansoave.com Instagram: @Ryan.Soave YouTube: @rjsoave Two Percent is hosted by Michael Easter. Today’s episode was produced by Joey Fischground, Robbie Hiser, Dana Brawer and Julia Nutter. From Kaleidoscope, our executive producers are Mangesh Hattikudur and Kate Osborn and Julia Nutter. From iHeart, our executive producers are Katrina Norvell and Nikki Ettore. Our Head of Video is Maria Paz Mendez Hodes. This episode was edited by Ryan Mulhern. Our theme music is by the Heater Manager. GET A FREE GUIDE TO EXAMPLES OF MISOGI. GO TO https://www.twopct.com AND ENTER YOUR EMAIL. I share similar insights around health and wellness here: https://substack.com/@michaeleaster https://instagram.com/michael_easter/ https://linkedin.com/in/michael-easter-b208848/ https://facebook.com/easter.michael https://tiktok.com/@michael_easter6 https://x.com/Michael_Easter Chapters: 00:00:00 Cold open 00:02:11 Sober at Phish / fun without substances 00:03:47 Relearning fun + giving up one thing for everything 00:06:04 The order water moment (social anxiety + self-obsession) 00:07:22 Sober wedding story + being a model for others 00:11:00 Walk us up to your sobriety + early roots 00:20:24 Addiction is not the problem, it's the solution 00:25:33 What people do when they decide to get sober 00:33:04 Defining addiction + signs it's out of control 00:36:55 Fear, shame, and emotion-driven behaviors 00:39:39 Fixed beliefs and the Michael Jordan analogy 00:49:56 Where Ryan starts with a new client 00:52:18 Nervous system regulation + the space between stimulus and response 01:03:09 When healthy behaviors become compulsion (exercise / triathlon) 01:14:17 Process addictions (food, sex, money, gambling) 01:23:33 Michael Singer / falling in love as distraction 01:26:55 Social media, Pascal, and the Yoga Sutras 01:39:22 Good at feeling bad + how antidepressants get prescribed 01:44:04 Addiction redirected as a superpower 01:46:30 Purpose vs. what you do 01:48:23 Community, 9/11, Tribe, and the bar 01:55:27 Power greater than yourself 01:59:38 Final two questions (30-day stop test + dream live show) 02:04:13 Michael's outro