Why You Can't Be Calm Around Your Narcissist Ex (and How to Finally Change That)

There's a moment most people in our community know well. Your phone lights up with a message from your ex. Or you're sitting in the parking lot outside the courthouse. Or you're on the phone with your attorney and your voice starts shaking.You know the response you want to give. You know the person you want to be in that moment. And then something happens — a thought spiral, a surge of adrenaline, a reaction you didn't plan — and afterward, you're sitting there wondering what just happened.That's not a character flaw. That's dysregulation. And it is absolutely something you can learn to change.Our guest today, Bonnie Butler, knows this from two directions: as someone who lived through her own version of emotional chaos — adopting six traumatized teenagers at once after years of fostering — and as a certified emotional regulation coach who has helped hundreds of clients transform the way they respond to stress, conflict, and the impossible situations life throws at them.This conversation with Lisa is one of those episodes where you'll want to stop and take notes. Or maybe you'll just find yourself nodding along, because finally someone is naming what you've been experiencing.Timestamps:00:00 — Opening: the problem of knee-jerk reactions with a toxic ex01:20 — Bonnie defines emotional regulation in plain language03:45 — The pause technique: interrupting the thought spiral with a physical cue07:10 — Why holding your breath makes rational thought impossible09:30 — Bonnie introduces herself: from overwhelmed foster/adoptive mom to regulation coach14:00 — The turning point: hitting a wall and learning the hard way18:20 — Why no one ever teaches us to manage our emotions21:40 — Her 12-week program and what transformation actually looks like25:00 — Why clients resist the tools at first — and what happens when they try anyway29:15 — Self-regulation explained: what it feels like when you've got it33:00 — Co-regulation: how your state spreads to everyone around you37:20 — The heartbreaking thing that happens when kids try to regulate their parents40:45 — How modeling regulation teaches your kids to regulate themselves43:00 — "Name it to tame it": why naming an emotion is the first step to releasing it46:15 — "The anxiety I'm feeling" vs. "my anxiety": a small shift, a big door48:30 — Meet Jim: how one client made friends with their anxiety to stop being controlled by it51:00 — Our thoughts are not facts — and you don't have to keep every thought you have54:20 — The thought closet: choosing what you keep and what you let go57:00 — Change, loss, and grief — why healing always has a harder side01:01:00 — "Paddles in the canoe": taking back the steering wheel of your life01:04:30 — What you focus on grows: the profound shift in how Bonnie saw her own life01:08:00 — From "what might have been" to "what could be"01:12:00 — How to connect with BonnieConnect with Bonnie Butler:Website & booking: bonniebutlercoaching.comInstagram: @bonniebutlercoachingFacebook: Bonnie Butler CoachingEmail: [email protected]#EmotionalRegulation #HighConflictDivorce #CustodyBattle #CoParentingHelp #NarcissistEx #DivorceCoach #BonnieButler #BeenThereGotOut