You Can't Stop Comparing. So Do It Better

"Comparison is the thief of joy" is one of those phrases that gets repeated so often that we take it to be rock-solid wisdom. Pancho calls BS. Comparison is not the thief of joy. As a matter of fact, it's not a problem at all. It's one of the most fundamental tools the human mind uses to understand anything, including itself. Without it, there's no sense of self, no theory of mind, no way to distinguish what you want from what you need. There would be no way to notice differences between anything. The idea that you could or should stop comparing is wrong, and it misses the point entirely. What actually steals joy is what we do after we compare. The stories we tell ourselves about what the comparison means. That's what causes the resentment that builds when we can't get what somebody else has. We lose joy when we compare ourselves to other people's highlight reels and take it to mean something about our worth. This episode covers René Girard's theory of mimetic desire, the idea that most of our wants don't come from within. We want things because other people want them too (or already have them and are shoving your face in it). Peter Thiel understood this when he invested in Facebook within an hour of meeting Zuckerberg. Instagram runs on mimetic desire. Commercials and ads wouldn't work without mimetic desire. Kim and Pancho also get into social comparison theory, the difference between envy and jealousy, and the consequences of upward and downward comparison. We then talk about what to do instead. Spoiler: it's gratitude, and yes, it's annoying that gratitude seems to be a cure-all to many of the problems we talk about. Comparison isn't the problem. Evaluating our worth or success by comparing it with others is the problem. and unconsciously adopting other people's desires without recognizing what we're doing is the problem. Concepts Explored Mimetic desire via René Girard: we want what other people want, not what we authentically choose for ourselves Social comparison theory: in the absence of objective measures, we default to measuring ourselves against other people Envy vs. jealousy: envy is wanting what someone else has, jealousy is fearing the loss of what you already have Upward and downward comparison: how each can either inspire or quietly erode your sense of self Referenced & Recommended Ideas / Resources René Girard's mimetic desire theory: the philosophical framework at the center of this episode; search "René Girard mimetic desire" for lectures and interviews Peter Thiel and Facebook: Thiel was a student of Girard at Stanford and applied mimetic desire theory to his investment thesis; his book Zero to One touches on this directly Atomic Habits by James Clear: referenced for the idea of surrounding yourself with people who model the behaviors you want to adopt Sonder: the concept, referenced by Kim, that other people have rich inner lives just like yours; originally coined in The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows by John Koenig