PODCAST · society
After the Affair
by Luke Shillings
The ‘After the affair’ podcast with Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide, and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Let’s explore what’s required to rebuild trust not only in yourself, but also with others. Whether you stay or leave, I can help! and no matter what your story, there will be something here for you.
Episodes
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212. Was Staying The Right Decision?
You decided to stay after the affair. At first, things seemed to be improving. You were communicating better, rebuilding trust, and perhaps even beginning to feel hopeful about the future. You started to believe you'd made the right decision. But then things became difficult again. And suddenly...
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211. Why Does a Good Day Feel So Dangerous?
You have a good day together. You laugh. You feel close. Maybe for a few hours, you barely think about the affair at all. And then comes the thought: Am I letting them off too easily? After betrayal, even feeling better can become complicated. A good weekend can suddenly feel like evidence that...
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210. I'm Not Ready To Choose
“I’m not ready.” It sounds reasonable. And sometimes it is. But when you're facing a difficult decision after betrayal, waiting can easily feel like the safe option. You don't have to commit. You don't have to risk making the wrong choice. You can gather more information, ask more questions and...
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209. The Halo Effect After Betrayal
After discovering an affair, have you found yourself looking back at your relationship and wondering whether everything meant something different? The late nights at work. The distance. The phone habits. That holiday. That argument from years ago. Things that once seemed completely ordinary can...
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208. Why Does Betrayal Physically Hurt So Much?
Betrayal is emotional. So why can it make you feel physically awful? The tight chest. The sick feeling in your stomach. The exhaustion. The tension. The racing heart. Being completely shattered but somehow unable to sleep. None of this feels particularly "emotional" when you're the one…
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207. Am I Paranoid - Or Trusting My Gut? The Algorithm After Betrayal
"What if I'm ignoring the signs again?" After betrayal, that question can be incredibly difficult to shake. You trusted before. You believed what you were being told. And somewhere along the way, you discovered that your version of reality wasn't quite what you thought it was. So now you pay...
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206. The Decision You Can't Optimise: Staying or Leaving After Betrayal
Stay or leave? After betrayal, it can feel as though there must be a right answer. So you do what you've probably done successfully with countless other important decisions. You gather information. Weigh the options. Consider the risks. What happens to the children? The finances? The house? What…
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205. Why Falling Apart Feels So Confusing When You're Usually in Control
You're usually the person who handles things. The calm one. The problem-solver. The person others rely on when something goes wrong. And then betrayal happens. Suddenly, you can't concentrate. You're questioning everything. You're checking their phone at midnight, replaying conversations when...
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204. Why Smart People Struggle More After Betrayal (Not Less) Pt 1
If you're usually good at solving problems, betrayal can be uniquely frustrating. You're used to something going wrong, gathering the information, understanding what happened and figuring out what to do next. So when infidelity happens, you naturally try to do the same thing. Why did they do it?...
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203. Why You Regret What You Said - Or What You Didn't Say After Betrayal
Have you ever walked away from a conversation after betrayal and immediately thought, "Why did I say that?" Maybe anger took over. You said something cutting, threatened to leave, or tried to make your partner understand just how much they'd hurt you. But there's another kind of regret too. "Why...
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202. Stressed! Why You Can’t Think Straight Right Now
Have you ever walked into a room and forgotten why you went there? Read the same email three times? Snapped at someone you love over something insignificant and wondered, "Where did that come from?" When you're recovering from betrayal, it's easy to assume something is wrong with you. That you're...
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201. The Truth About Closure
"If I just knew one more thing..." It's one of the most common thoughts after betrayal. One more conversation. One more answer. One more piece of the puzzle. Because surely, once you finally understand everything, you'll be able to move on. But what if that's not how closure actually works? In…
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200. After 200 Episodes, Here's What I Know About Affair Recovery
Two hundred episodes. Hundreds of thousands of downloads. Thousands of messages. Hundreds of coaching conversations. And after everything I've learned from walking alongside people recovering from betrayal, there's one thing I believe more strongly today than when I recorded episode one. You're…
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199. Why Do I Feel Worse At Night? - Affair Recovery
Why Do I Feel Worse At Night? You make it through the day. You go to work. You answer messages. You keep the family moving. You even catch yourself thinking, "Maybe I'm doing a little better today." Then night arrives. The house goes quiet. You climb into bed. And suddenly it all comes crashing...
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198. Why Am I So Scared of Making the Wrong Decision?
"Just trust your gut." "Only you know what's right." "Take your time." They're all well-intentioned pieces of advice. But none of them answer the question that's really keeping people stuck after betrayal. What if I make the wrong decision? What if you stay and they betray you again? What if you...
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197. The Affair Is Over... So Why Can't I Let Go?
"You just need to let it go." It's one of the most common pieces of advice people receive after betrayal. And one of the least helpful. Because if letting go were simply a decision, you would have done it already. So why is it so difficult? In this episode of After the Affair, Luke Shillings...
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196. What If They Never Change?
Episode Summary / Show notes: One of the most frightening questions a betrayed partner can ask isn't: "Why did they do it?" Or even: "Can I trust them again?" It's this: What if they never change? What if the progress stops here? What if the conversations keep going in circles? What if the...
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195. Why Do I Keep Checking?
You check their phone. Their location. Their social media. Their messages. Their tone of voice. The time they arrived home. The way they answered a question. The hesitation before they replied. And even when you find nothing, the urge eventually comes back. So why do you keep checking? In this...
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194. Still Thinking About the Affair Every Day?
It's been months. Maybe years. And yet somehow, you're still thinking about the affair every single day. You wake up and it's there. You go to bed and it's there. A song, a date, a place, a passing thought, and suddenly you're back inside the story again. Replaying. Analysing. Questioning. Trying...
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193. I've Been Lying to My Kids for Months
Few conversations carry more emotional weight than sitting down with your children and explaining that something has changed in your family. After an affair, many parents find themselves caught between two competing fears: saying too much and causing harm, or saying too little and creating...
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192. It’s Over… Now How Do You Tell the Kids After an Affair?
How do you tell your children that your relationship is over, especially after an affair? This is one of the hardest conversations parents face in the aftermath of betrayal. The relationship has ended. The decision has been made. And now you’re left with the weight of explaining it to the people...
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191. Do You Tell the Kids About the Affair? What They Actually Need to Hear
Should you tell your children about an affair? It’s one of the most difficult and emotionally loaded questions parents face after infidelity. You want to be honest, but you also want to protect them. You don’t want to lie, but you’re afraid of saying too much. In this episode of After the Affair,...
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190. Stuck Between Two Lives? You’re Avoiding the Real Decision
Why do you feel stuck between two relationships… and unable to move forward? After (or even during) an affair, it’s common to feel pulled in different directions, torn between a long-term relationship and a new emotional connection. Many people describe this as feeling “stuck,” unsure of what to…
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189. Does This Really Justify the Affair? - When They Won’t Let Go of Their Story
What happens when the person who betrayed you rewrites the relationship to justify what they did… and truly believes it? After infidelity, many betrayed partners are faced with a deeply confusing experience: their partner begins describing the relationship as “always bad,” “unfulfilling,” or...
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188. Why Infidelity Recovery Advice Is Failing You - You Need a Better System
Why does so much infidelity recovery advice leave you feeling worse instead of better? “Process your feelings.” “Communicate better.” “Decide whether to stay or leave.” These are some of the most common pieces of advice given after betrayal, but when your nervous system is overwhelmed, and your...
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187. You Thought Leaving Would Fix Everything… But It Didn’t - Pt 4 of 4
Does leaving a relationship after infidelity actually make things better? Many people believe that once they leave, the pain will ease, that distance will bring clarity, relief, and emotional freedom. But what often follows is something very different. In this episode of After the Affair, we...
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186. When They Move On… And You’re Still Processing - Pt 3 of 4
What does it mean when your partner moves on… but you’re still trying to process the betrayal? After infidelity, healing doesn’t follow a shared timeline. While one person may appear to move forward quickly, entering a new relationship or embracing a new chapter, the other can feel left behind,...
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185. When You Leave… But Still Love Them - Pt 2 of 4
What happens when you leave a relationship after infidelity… but you still love them? For many betrayed partners, the decision to walk away isn’t as clear-cut as it might seem. You may still feel love, attachment, and connection, while also knowing that staying no longer feels safe or aligned.…
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184. It Didn’t Work Out Like I Thought It Would - Pt 1 of 4
Can a relationship really recover after infidelity… or is there a point where you start to realise it won’t? After betrayal, many people hold onto hope that things can be repaired, that with enough effort, communication, and time, the relationship will begin to feel safe again. But what happens...
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183. “It Meant Nothing” Why That Doesn’t Make Betrayal Easier
“It meant nothing.” It’s a phrase often said after betrayal, usually with the intention of reassuring a partner. But for many people, it doesn’t bring comfort, it creates confusion. Because if it truly meant nothing… why does it hurt so much? In this episode, Luke explores the disconnect between...
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182. It Just Happened. The Myth of the Sudden Affair
When someone tries to explain a betrayal, one phrase often comes up: “It just happened.” But for the betrayed partner, this explanation rarely brings clarity or peace. Instead, it often creates more confusion. How can something so painful and life-altering simply “happen”? In this episode, Luke...
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181. I Was Drunk… It Would Never Have Happened Sober. The Truth About Alcohol and Betrayal
Alcohol is one of the most common explanations given after betrayal. But does alcohol actually cause infidelity, or does it simply remove the inhibition that normally prevents certain behaviours? In this episode, Luke explores the role alcohol can play in betrayal, why the explanation often feels...
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180. If You Feel Stuck After Betrayal… This Is For You
After betrayal, many people feel pressured to decide quickly, whether to stay, leave, forgive or move on. But what if feeling stuck isn’t failure? What if it’s part of growth? In this episode, Luke explores why discomfort is not a problem to eliminate but a sign of expansion. He explains why...
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179. Breaking the Reaction Cycle: How to Handle Powerful Emotions After Betrayal
After betrayal, emotions can feel overwhelming. Anxiety, anger, shame and fear often lead to reactions that escalate conflict and reinforce pain. But what if the key to healing isn’t controlling your emotions, but interrupting the cycle that follows them? In this episode, I break down a simple...
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178. The First 30 Days After Betrayal: Don’t Make These Mistakes
The first 30 days after discovering betrayal can feel like emotional chaos. Shock. Rage. Numbness. Obsession. Hope. Despair. All before lunch. In this episode, Infidelity recovery coach - Luke Shillings breaks down what actually matters in the immediate aftermath of discovery, and the common...
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177. Intrusive Thoughts During Sex After Betrayal
Many betrayed partners experience intrusive thoughts or images when trying to be sexually intimate during reconciliation, often images of their partner with the affair partner. These thoughts can feel shocking, disturbing, and deeply confusing, especially when you’ve consciously chosen to stay…
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176. Pacing: Why Rushing Your Healing Slows It Down
After betrayal, many people feel an intense pressure to move quickly, to decide, to understand, to feel better. That urgency often sounds logical and responsible. But more often than not, it’s fear wearing a sensible disguise. In this episode, Luke Shillings explores the concept of pacing, not as...
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175. What’s Actually Essential After Betrayal
After betrayal, many people believe healing means doing more: more processing, more understanding, more effort, more tolerance. But what if that belief is what’s keeping you stuck? In this episode, Luke Shillings introduces essentialism as a recovery lens, not as a productivity tool, but as a way...
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174. Are You Being Driven by Fear?
Fear influences far more of our behaviour than most of us realise. Not obvious fear. Not panic or terror. But the quiet, reasonable-sounding fear that shows up as urgency, overthinking, control, and the need for certainty. In this episode, Luke Shillings explores how fear operates as a hidden...
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173. When Your Partner Still Has Feelings for Their Affair Partner
One of the most painful and confusing stages of betrayal recovery is this: You’re trying to heal the relationship… and your partner is still emotionally letting go of their affair partner. They may be in therapy. They may be doing the “right” things. They may genuinely want to change. And yet,...
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172. Are You Healing… or Just Protecting Yourself?
After betrayal, many people notice a change in themselves. They’re calmer. More regulated. Less reactive. But they’re also more distant. Less open. Less connected. In this episode, Luke explores a question that quietly emerges during recovery: “Am I actually healing… or am I just protecting…
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171. The 3 Ingredients Behind Most Betrayals
As the year comes to a close, many betrayed partners find themselves reviewing everything that happened, and quietly turning that review into self-attack. What did I miss? What should I have done differently? How did this happen to me? In this episode, Luke offers a clear, grounding framework for...
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170.5 You Didn’t Fail Because They Had Unmet Needs
After betrayal, many people carry a quiet belief: “If I had been more, they wouldn’t have needed someone else.” This short Christmas Day bonus episode gently dismantles that idea. Luke explores why unmet needs are internal experiences, why adults are responsible for expressing and managing them,...
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170. Why “Why Did They Cheat?” Is the Wrong Question
After betrayal, one question tends to dominate the mind more than any other: “Why did they cheat?” It feels logical. Necessary. Like the answer might finally bring peace. But what if that question, however understandable, is quietly keeping you stuck? In this Christmas Eve episode, Luke explores...
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169. Why You Can’t Decide After Betrayal: And How Decisions Really Work
After betrayal, one of the most painful places to be is stuck between options, unable to stay, unable to leave, unable to trust your own judgement. Many people believe they’re stuck because they don’t have enough information, clarity, or certainty. But that’s not the real problem. In this…
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168. Life After Betrayal: What Nobody Told You Is Possible.
When you’re in the thick of betrayal, it’s almost impossible to imagine a future where you’re not drowning in thoughts, panic, anger, and heartbreak. Most people believe that what they’re feeling now is what they’ll feel forever. But it isn’t. In this episode, Luke takes you behind the scenes of...
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167. "It's Not Cheating If You Agree to It"
In the aftermath of betrayal, a growing number of people are hearing something deeply confusing, and often deeply hurtful: “Maybe we should open the relationship.” “Monogamy just isn’t natural for me.” “I think I’m actually non-monogamous.” But what happens when these statements appear after an...
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166. Why You’re Still Suffering After Betrayal
If you’ve been asking yourself, “Why am I still suffering after betrayal?”, this episode is for you. Most people think they’re drowning because the pain is too big. But the real reason you’re stuck isn’t the pain itself… It’s the suffering your mind is unintentionally creating on top of it. In...
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165. I'm Doing Therapy… So Why Am I Still Stuck?
If you’ve been going to therapy after betrayal and still don’t feel any better, you’re not alone, and you’re not broken. Most people stabilise through therapy but then hit a wall. They can explain the affair, understand their childhood patterns, name their triggers… and still wake up every day...
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164. They Chose Someone Else: What Does That Say About Me?
One of the most painful parts of betrayal is believing someone else was chosen instead of you. It can feel like a verdict, proof that you weren’t enough, that your worth has been measured and found wanting. But what if being chosen was never the measure of your value in the first place? In this...
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ABOUT THIS SHOW
The ‘After the affair’ podcast with Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide, and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Let’s explore what’s required to rebuild trust not only in yourself, but also with others. Whether you stay or leave, I can help! and no matter what your story, there will be something here for you.
HOSTED BY
Luke Shillings
CATEGORIES
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Frequently Asked Questions
How many episodes does After the Affair have?
After the Affair currently has 213 episodes available on PodParley. New episodes are automatically indexed when they're published to the podcast feed.
What is After the Affair about?
The ‘After the affair’ podcast with Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide, and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Let’s explore what’s required to rebuild trust not only in yourself, but also with others. Whether you stay or leave, I can help! and no matter what your story,...
How often does After the Affair release new episodes?
After the Affair publishes regularly with 213 episodes available. Check the episode list for the typical release schedule.
Where can I listen to After the Affair?
You can listen to After the Affair on PodParley by clicking any episode. We provide an embedded audio player for direct listening, and you can also subscribe via your preferred podcast app using the RSS feed.
Who hosts After the Affair?
After the Affair is created and hosted by Luke Shillings.
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