Can We Steal You for a Second?

Well, it ended, I suppose. Throughout this season, when production was faced with a decision, they made the exact WRONG choice Every. Single. Time. Much like the state of American politics, American media, American industries, well, America, no one has any standards anymore, and the least qualified people continue to hold the most responsibility. If you enjoy us going on impassioned, frustrated rants, this episode is for you! Support the show

So many beautiful examples of love around us this week: jealous scammers Chellace, opportunistic coworkers Traylor, aggro-dominant Jeremy/Bailey, streamrolling Spencer/Jess, and brother-flip-flopper Jellyfish/Bonrad. Nicolandria continues to be our shining light in a world culture that is spiraling into madness at levels never seen before. Women, wake UP!!!!! Support the show

We will be on bye week this week due to work/anniversary travel obligations! This recap is for last week's episodes. The beach is experiencing mass hysteria, orchestrated by Master Manipulator Jeremy and encouraged by Clout Chasers Inc., which includes Dale, Spencer, Andrew, and every girl that Bailey calls a friend. But for the first time in a long time, Bachelor Nation is united over a shared injustice, and for that, we rejoice. Also discussed is our letting go of Belly from The Summer I Turned Pretty’s lack of je ne sais quoi and brother hopping to enjoy the pure yearning from Conrad. Finally, some Love Island reunion predictions. Support the show

When all else fails in this franchise, we can typically rely on a slimy douchebag to bring the heat. Brian, Jeremy, and even Jonathan are getting it done. RIP to all the women on the beach for such a subpar selection. Captain Kim is looking better and better by the day. Dare we say Kaith is a couple to watch?!Support the show

The Kenny Scamdoval is breaking news, so of course, we need to jump right into it. The Valley Finale gives us some concluding thoughts on Jax and Janet. Finally, our Bachelor in Paradise recap concludes on a somber note. One thing this show consistently does is somehow make the WRONG choices in production. Oof. Support the show

Nicolandria is thriving, the Goldens are in Paradise, and Janet is humbled. It’s a beautiful week to be alive!!! The Love Island finale and post-show fan service continues to feed our Nicolandria obsession, and we fear there is no end in sight. Shady men show their true selves on the beaches of Paradise, just as some much-needed energy from our favorite senior citizens arrives. Support the show

Well…despite having a lot to gain by influencing you to watch the season by saying the rebrand is amazing…you know we cannot tell a lie. We’re all about AUTHENTICITY, unlike all of these scripted comedy sketches these producers cooked up for every other scene?! The lighting gives Bourne Ultimatum, the sinister music gives Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, the “challenges” give storebrand Are You The One, and the heavily manicured flat declarations say new-age Love Is Blind. We can’t help but discuss Love Island in scattered tangents, Nicolandria’s rebirth, Huda’s final (?) crash-out, and our nephew Marcel. Support the show

We took about an hour-long tangent about Love Island US, but so much NEEDED to be discussed. First, Camille recaps witnessing Beyoncé's near-death experience at Cowboy Carter in Houston. Then, we get into the Nicolandria obsession, the rupture of the Love Island “Sisterhood”, upcoming predictions, and more. In Hawaii, with the Valley cast, Kristen Doute gets engaged while some friends celebrate and others ruminate. Support the show

The first 20 minutes of the episode are purely Love Island US talk, and hear us when we say, you NEED to be watching. Do not miss this opportunity! Down in the Valley, Jax is out of the so-called “mental health facility” and wreaking absolute havoc like nothing has changed. Janet’s on her typical BS, as is Michelle. But it’s a beautiful moment in America: a country united over our shared disdain. Support the show

It’s a beach brawl this week on The Valley! Janet gets called a vibe-killing Karen, Zack begins to realize Brittney has moved on from his friendship, and Jax is even darker than usual. We also briefly talk Summerhouse reunion, Next Gen NYC, and Love Island US! Support the show

Kristen checks Janet with a seemingly totally false rumor, but someone had to step up to the queen bee! The tides are turning on alliances. There is blood in the water. Plus, we go on a long tangent about our existential dread with phone addiction, attention spans, and the growing plight of terrible customer service. Support the show

Apologies for recording delay!Who among us hasn’t taken a quick pull in a corner of a party?! This week, we get more details and perspectives on Darkside Danny Tequilagate, and we’re still Team Nia. Let’s turn our attention to the real problematic people of the group: Jesse and Janet. On the Summerhouse side, Jesse and Lexi’s relationship ends less with a bang and more with a whimper. Support the show

Whitney is back from Japan, and the only cure for train bento and foot spa withdrawals is relishing in the pure entertainment that is American reality TV: The Valley and Summerhouse. We discuss Brittney’s uncalled-for turn on Nia, Zach’s moral compass, everyone hating their partners, and much more. Support the show

Truly one of the darkest episodes of reality TV we’ve seen, and we’ve seen a lot. We can’t help but think about all these dang kids! Tune in as we over-analyze childhood trauma, marital abuse, sociopathic tendencies, crippling addiction, just to name a few of the light, funny subjects we talk about. We will be off next week but returning the following week for a recap of E3/4! Support the show

The Valley is back with fresh separations, contentious co-parenting, Crazy Kristen, and all is right in the world. Ultimately, we theorize that these men don’t know how to handle their insecurities, thus making it the problem of the women in their lives. What else is new? Similarly, in Summerhouse…we have our eyes on you, Jesse. Team Lexi. Support the show

Happy to announce that we loved this finale! Grant chose the path of least resistance, which…we have mixed feelings about. Litia broke the veneer and showed her stronger, more sassy side, which we loved. Juliana’s character arc fell flat…did she ask the right questions and get the proper closure from Grant? Regardless, we look ahead to recapping The Valley in the off-season and an intergenerational BIP this summer! Support the show

An empire falls not with a bang but with a whimper… We spend the majority of this episode analyzing the fall of the Bachelor franchise. The death spiral into irrelevancy, as it grips on to its puritanical values, outdated references, and meaningless virtue signaling. Almost like the Democratic Party right now! But it was also Fantasy Suites, our favorite episode of the season, so we still had to make assumptions about overnight activities, of course. Support the show

Allow us to rant for a moment will you…We miss the days when people actually shared a sincere emotion or challenged themselves to discuss something uncomfortable. Families used to be the people you couldn’t fake things with. We are at the point where truly no option will work out, so what do we have to root for?! Plus, get religious fundamentalism out of our reality shows and politics please!!! Support the show

It's make or break this week in Scotland before hometowns. Litia finally reveals the potential dealbreaker of her religious culture, Juliana finally gets a chance to shine, and Zoe is snubbed. Carolina crashes out, though admittedly we will miss her. Support the show

Just as the group embarks on their international journey to Madrid, Camille returns from her honeymoon in Tahiti bringing back stories of White Lotus parallels and slutty stingrays. In this episode, we analyze the traditional-minded ways of Grant and our appreciation for these old-school dynamic villains. Support the show

Whitney's dad joins to discuss E2+3, Kendrick vs Drake, the Eagles victory, Camille/John's honeymoon, and poor policy decisions a la gulf of America embarrassment by Google!Support the show

Sincere AND horny, the perfect combo for a lead. Grant, you’ve started the season strong! His endearing sexiness will make these women fall even harder, allowing chaos to ensure. Locked in! Plus, an analysis of the Lively-Baldoni saga, and the end of Matt and Rachael. Support the show

Joan pulled some soft diplomacy behind the scenes with producers to come get her man, get out, and not have to be interesting or dramatic whatsoever. Happy for y’all or whatever but…we want reality show antics in our TV instead of our politics, yet here we are. Due to lack of juice, most of this episode is post-election emotions, so be forwarned (if it’s not clear, we are unhappy about the outcome).Support the show

Joan we see you…we respect your Edward Cullen no bed choice for the Fantasy Suites…but we know you and Chock got it on. Joan and her suitors head to Tahiti to watch Joan and Chock fall in love, and though we miss having some messy young dramatic leads, the scenery makes up for it. Support the show

Hometowns hits different on Golden seasons! Guy is arguably the best choice now but Joan can’t stand to kiss him, Pascal is truly one-of-a-kind so we aren’t sure how he resembles Joan’s late husband, Jordan is hung, and Chock comes from the Witchita pond of immortality. Support the show

Is there a hierarchy division between Golden widows and divorcees? Would you rather your spouse die or leave you to start a new family? Did producers pre-plan the yacht date game or throw a hail mary? Does Mark know he’s hot? Just normal questions being asked on this week’s recap of the Golden Bachelorette! Support the show

Whatever happened to a group of men wanting to join together in a sea shanty?! Justice for Kim! This week the fuckboys rise: Jonathan and Pascal…we have our eyes on you. As always, there is more than enough charm and wonder to lift the spirits for Joan in her Golden years of dating. Support the show

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Joan and her highly eligible bachelors start their ~journey~ with a hot start! We discuss generational differences, Frank Sinatra, and lessons learned for aging and approaching life. Support the show

Are we getting older or are these guys substantially hotter than Jenn’s cast?! Join us as we set out to judge them based on their potential as father-in-laws and end up objectifying them for ourselves….Support the show

We can confidently say that this was the most emotionally painful finale we’ve seen. It’s barely a silver lining because she didn’t seem to have much agency in the matter, but Jenn put it all out there, and we commend her for it. Devin, if we ever catch you, it’s on SIGHT. Support the show

Pardon our tardiness…the entire podcast team was off celebrating the wedding of Camille and John! We had to start with a recap, plus some funny tea. Then, we largely discuss our favorite episode of the year: Fantasy Suites. Jenn is down BAD for Marcus, who will probably never feel the same (sad :( ), Devin has secured some new haters with this selfish behavior, and Jonathan is just chilling like the unproblematic F2 he will probably be.Support the show

After a ROUGH 1:1 showing from Sam last week, Grant and Jonathan helped revive our faith in this cast having…a drop or two of juice. But each week, Jenn shows more and more her inability to put both men in their place…and Cary, the infamous Bachelor stylist. She is too pretty and serves too much body to be wearing these bedazzled tablecloths! Support the show

It’s a bad week to be a Sam! Just what the world needed: an emboldened, hopped-up-on-adrenaline, life-coach wannabe ass Sam M. While Sam N may be misguided and irritating, they’ll still never make us like you, Thomas. Plus, Jenn’s less toxic ex returns on a direct flight from ghosting a wedding in Cartegna to Auckland. Red flags everywhere! Support the show

Girl…Jenn…listen to the Australian Bachelorettes who came before you…listen to the context…do not let the tall man who knows he’s hot (some are saying) sway you!!! Acknowledge what came before you!!! Support the show

Jenn and her mid-tier guys are in Melbourne in this unprecedented early trip away from LA. What isn’t unprecedented is her gravitation towards some obvious front-runners…as it tends to be with female leads. Also typical…of men…is that they send some red flags. Best of luck, xoxo and at least enjoy the fantasy suite! Support the show

We are back and ready to listen to our intuition to make wild assumptions! This isn’t our first rodeo: the men on The Bachelorette consistently disappoint us, and this is shaping up to be no different. But at least there will be some characters and petty drama along the way, too! Wishing for a Jenn learns how to turn a man down redemption arc, expecting a Jenn on one knee proposing outcome. Support the show

We are SOOOO back! Missing the mic as we take well over an hour to get to the actual meat of the episode: a brief swipe left/right on Jenn’s cast (based on wedding date potential). Otherwise, we discuss weddings, the future of our democracy, Summer House, the rumors about Nick Viall’s marriage, and much more. We’ve missed you all so much, and the premiere is soon upon us! Support the show

Joey boy, you’ve done it. Perfect lead, perfect season! Dark-horse winner, self-control, maintained popularity, and a tears-worth proposal. Enjoy a nuanced take on an untraditional final day; we loved the powerful intuition but hated the risk of involving Kelsey. Just let them get engaged! Our next Bachelorette is a happy surprise, just like the best ones. See you this summer, Jenn! Support the show

Every season, we have hope for the black sheep to rise, and every season, we are met with the same outcome: an indifferent blonde F1. Always just as we get 100% on board with the runner-up. Tune in for an in-depth analysis of Rachel’s mishandling of her injury, Kelsey’s intuition, and Daisy’s self-absorption. Support the show

Joey travels to restaurants, historical centers, and the Inland Empire for what used to be known as “Hometowns.” It’s best behavior week as everyone puts on their best interview self and hides their true feelings. We still got some memorable…and dare we say hot…family members! Who would you give your final rose, friend zone, fantasy suite, and send home to between the four dads?Support the show

HATER ALERT!!! It’s us again, really getting some frustration out over the always inevitable Daisy, and the inevitable mistake the producers make in NOT making Maria the Bachelorette. Even though Maria made a massive miscalculation this week…we still ride for her. Kelsey A brings classic “everything seems great” F2 energy, and Whitney called Jenn’s cringe factor for Joey, even if she forgot about it from last week. Lastly, in the words of Jen Shah, Rachel hear this: “If you’re gonna be a b*tch, be a fun b*itch!!!”Support the show

Is anyone going to ask Joey how HE is feeling out here?!?! Except we start the episode talking about our own problems (Camille broke her leg, Whitney is apartment hunting). This week, our love for Maria grows even deeper as we see the different sides of Joey she brings out. We make season predictions and discuss how his conversation with Lexi might impact his relationship with some of the women. Support the show

Joey’s hotness is bringing out all of the most feral of female relationship dynamics and we are living for it. Segmentation, us vs. them, subtle jabs, alliances, sex appeal as a tool of manipulation, and generations clashing, this season is providing ample to analyze. Especially when they slam us with two back-to-back episodes. Support the show

The Maria v. Sydney duel is heating up, and we are fully Team Maria! This week also showed us a pretty meh 1-1 date, some group date opportunities for these charismatic ladies to show their chops, and some stars appearing amidst the mix. Conversation somehow finds its way to Taylor Swift as it is common to do, and we get into NFL gossip leading up to the Super Bowl. Pick me alert! Support the show

Being in this Nation too long has really warped our brains, having us comparing and judging personal tragedies…but like get on with it!!! Joey really cranked the charm up this episode but we are still sleeping with one eye open…his secret side will show in due time. But we’re in for a great season because we have some true CHARACTERS out here!!! Also discussed: familial colloquialisms, our favorite swear words, and lactose intolerance (had to mention that one again). Feeling fast and loose today!  Support the show

Joey’s sparkling eyes and perfect curls have these girls drooling, just as Bachelor Nation intended! But Joey’s dimples don’t fool us…we see Joey’s other Gemini side, aided by revisiting our previous analysis theories from Charity’s season. He gets away with being a little nervous, a little cringed-out by puns, and very uninterested in most blondes by being so distractingly cute. We wrap up our discussion of this season’s ladies with some predictions for the rest of the season. Does Joey chase too close to the sun? Support the show

Hi everyone, we’re back for 2024 and hot Joey’s season! We get to know his cast of ladies by judging them based on whether we would select them from a Craiglist roommate posting. The true high-risk, high-reward pairing. Plus, our perception of Joey’s type and a recap on recent Bachelor Nation news, We’ve missed you! Support the show

It’s the paradise reunion and we come in HOT with opposing views: Whitney loved it, Camille thinks it might be the last BIP ever. But there are several things we definitely agree with: Kylie is finally standing her ground and Aven needs to never be on our screens again, Kat finally showed her three-dimensional self and is growing into her best self, the producers need to be tried for their sins of bad producing and having no live finale, and Jess is the ultimate villain of the season. Plus, a bit of Taylor x Kim drama to wrap it up just because Taylor had to go and bring it up again. Thank you for an amazing season and we will see you in January, love you all! Support the show

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