Classics For Plebs

The one where Achelous, a very-boring River god, develops an accent more suited to a bored Northern receptionist, a girl turns into a tree, we finally hear about Hercules, another girl turns into a tree, Ovid reminds us that incest never ends well and, to shake things up a little, a girl turns into a tree…

The one with all the A’s. Bonus points if you can pronounce all the names (apologies, it’s very clear that I can’t). Note to self: there is nothing less sexy than taking your dad’s hair as a gift on a blind date, and never try to out- do a bloated river god at storytelling.

Please don't try these spells at home, kids. Or steal any magical oak trees. Or invoke the wrath of Juno.  It never ends well.

Can you solve the following equations? (Don’t forget to show your working out!) 1. Arachne had 2 legs. Now she has 8. How did that happen? 2. Niobe had 14 children. Now she has none. Where did they go? Listen on to check your answers and learn so many more bizarre stories in Book Six of Ovid’s Metamorphoses!

Roll up, roll up! Join us, mortals and immortals and any nymphs in-between, for Book Five of Ovid’s Metamorphoses, including all your favourite family games: Pull the Gorgon out of the Hat, Pin the Tail on the Newt-Boy, and Pass the Persephone (except you don’t ever let her go. ever).

Once upon a time there were three little nymphomaniacs, and their names were Arsippe, Leuconoë and Alcithoë…. Also, you want the #honest story of Medusa? I got you, babe.

What with sailors turning into lizards, vines with no sense of personal space, and mildly cannibalistic mothers, episode Three of Ovid’s Metamorphoses provides us with a solid moral tale: don’t mess with wine, kids.

In episode two we encounter numerous delights such as: 1. why ‘take your demi-god child to immortal work day’ wasn’t encouraged, 2. that Juno has yet more reasons to be angry, and 3. that Mercury enjoys turning mortals into pebbles…

In this re-telling of the first book of Ovid’s Metamorphoses, we encounter Chaos and Zeus...the two are interchangeable, really....

It is 63BC. Cicero is consul of Rome. He has made it. He has achieved his lifelong ambition. It literally shouldn't get any better... And yet, a grave peril threatens to de-stabilise his consulship, indeed, threatens to destroy the entirety of Rome... in the form of Lucius Sergius Catiline. And, of course, there is only one man who can be called upon to save the Republic (...twice). I present, in two episodes, a commentary on the four Catilinarian Orations, which Cicero gave to the people and the Senate as the Catilinarian conspiracy against Rome unfolded around them, and then a dramatic, abridged version of the orations themselves.

It is 63BC. Cicero is consul of Rome. He has made it. He has achieved his lifelong ambition. It literally shouldn't get any better... And yet, a grave peril threatens to de-stabilise his consulship, indeed, threatens to destroy the entirety of Rome... in the form of Lucius Sergius Catiline. And, of course, there is only one man who can be called upon to save the Republic (...twice). I present, in two episodes, a commentary on the four Catilinarian Orations, which Cicero gave to the people and the Senate as the Catilinarian conspiracy against Rome unfolded around them, and then a dramatic, abridged version of the orations themselves.

The year is 70BC. It is the height of decline in the Late Roman Republic. Gaius Verres, governor of Sicily, is on trial for extortion. The Senatorial Order that runs the extortion courts is, therefore, also on trial for it's perpetual blind-eye to corruption. Their prosecutor? Marcus Tullius Cicero (on the behalf of the Republic, of course). This episode provides a full summary of the events and context of the speech, before also offering a slightly-abridged re-telling of the First Verrine Oration itself.

We made it. The Final Showdown.  There have been endless deaths. Endless tears. Endless broken hearts. Endless emotional breakdowns (mortal and immortal). But, finally, the armies stop bickering, the gods stop tantruming, and Aeneas and Turnus can meet on the battlefield.  There can only be one winner.  (Rome)

We're almost there, and the Trojans and Latins know it.  As the men weep, bury their dead, and bicker amongst themselves about whose fault it was that this war started in the first place, at least the women can be relied upon to get business done: Camilla, Diana and, finally, the women of Latium themselves all make their mark in this penultimate episode. 

The gods just can't help themselves. The Trojans and Latins destroy one another mercilessly, though neither side can quite remember why or how this started, and as innocent, young, honest lives are lost on both sides, the immortals bicker over breakfast about the injustice of it all (for them. Not for the mortals. Obviously). 

Thanks to a little helpful nudging from Juno (of course), war breaks out between the Trojans and the Latins. Planks of wood turn into women, Turnus is related to lions, tigers and bears (oh my!) more times than is frankly necessary, and innocent sons, husbands, fathers, are slaughtered on all sides...like when wildflowers are cut by ploughs, or when poppies bow their heads in the rain....

I mean, what have the Trojans ever given us, anyway? "Romulus?" Oh, well, yeah...ok, yeah, but apart from him. "The Salii?" Alright, yeah, I'll grant you that one too, they're decent.  "What about the Trojan Games?" Well, yes, ok, but apart from Romulus, the Salii, the Trojan Games - what have the Trojans EVER really done for us? ... "They founded Rome?" Oh do shut up!

Believe it or not, the Trojans do eventually make it to Italy. Even better, they actually manage to befriend the local people and it not result in passionate love and suicide (...yet).  Sounds too good to be true? Of course it is. Juno's no pushover, and she's got a few tricks up her tunic, including a bitter queen, a Fury born of everlasting night...and a deer. 

How to Be an Epic Hero in Three Easy Steps. One: Son of a goddess - check. Two: Endless suffering - check. Three: Go to hell and back for a cup of tea and a natter with your dad - pending. Have you forgotten what all this moping and moaning is all about? So has Aeneas. Follow him and the Sibyl to remind yourselves what the Trojans ever did for us...

Virgil gives us a brief little filler chapter. Pious Aeneas is very...pious, the Trojans are slow to learn there's...probably always a fire when you see smoke, and the moral of the story is you can do anything you put your mind to with the help of a few water nymphs or a good old tantrum.

The Big One. The gods set into motion the next stage in their games, and enjoy the most fun they've had since they made Paris choose between Juno, Venus and Athena. It's all gonna come down in flames, whether the Fates want it to or not...

In this slightly shorter episode, Aeneas (finally) finishes his tale, nicely summarising the adventures of Odysseus...Sorry, I mean...nicely summarising his OWN adventures, of course, before reaching Dido...#imitationisflattery...

In Book Two, Aeneas begins his very, very tragic tale of his immense and endless suffering (which was, yes, even greater than Odysseus') as he narrates the fall of Troy.

Re-interpreting The Aeneid in my...'honest' words, Book One introduces us to the slightly-angsty Aeneas, the charismatic Dido, and the mild, unrelenting wrath of the gods...