PODCAST · education
Conflict Owner's Manual
by Dr. Deborah Sword, with co-host Tyson Bankert
When you improve your conflict skills you improve your relationships. We're tech support for the conflict skills you already have, so you do conflict better. Our logo is a dandelion because conflict is like a weed invading your garden. You want to know how to manage it, and keep it from spreading. In each episode, we give you one real life conflict competency you can use right away to improve your skills, which will also improve the quality of your relationships. Dr. Deborah Sword is a specialist in conflict analysis and management. Tyson Bankert is a community facilitator and artist. We have decades of experience helping people improve their conflict competencies.
Episodes
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How many people are in your 2-person conflict? #157
That conflict you have with one person doesn't stop with the two of you. Maybe you vent to a friend, or process your dilemma with a colleague, or withdraw while you worry about what to do. Even a one-person conflict you're having within yourself spills out. You talk about it with others, it…
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The steps to prevent a conflict before it starts #156
Preventing a conflict from happening feels as good as resolving one after it happens. Conflict prevention is my favourite conflict competency. Maybe you're wondering why you'd want to prevent a conflict. Maybe you think you're compromising a principle or giving in when you prevent a conflict.…
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Fix your conflicts by being your own conflict coach #155
Coaches in life, work and sports can add value to your life by helping you explore problems and create solutions. What if you become your own conflict coach? Self-coaching turns your curiosity inward, from asking about the conflict to asking about yourself. How are you showing up in the conflict?...
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Hidden conflict skills you don't know you have 154
Conflict owner’s manual has one goal: to help you think about the skills you already have so you can use those skills under pressure. That’s right. You already have most of the skills you need to manage conflict better, but can you use them when you wind up in a conflict? I show you four conflict...
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What you lose when you insist on winning the conflict 153
Do you try to get the one outcome you prefer in a conflict? You might get your desired outcome, and it might feel like you won. But did getting your way harm the relationship? Doing conflict well doesn't mean getting the outcome you want. Doing conflict well is a process of using your conflict...
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Silence can be a smart thing to say in conflict #152
Most people have been in a conflict where angry words were exchanged, often loudly, as each party attempts to persuade, and win the argument. I show you a conflict skill that can get you out of the argument. Here are three ways you can use silence to decline the invitation to fight and improve…
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Do your beliefs about conflict add fuel to the fight? #151
From our first experiences with conflict, we form beliefs about how conflict "should" be. What you believe about how conflict "should" be conducted is how you conduct yourself in conflict. How old are your current beliefs about what conflict should be like? If you examine your beliefs about what...
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Are you trying to argue someone out of their belief? Do this instead #150
What people believe is how they behave. If you're using arguments to try changing someone's rules, opinions, decisions or perspective, you aren't likely to change their beliefs. Same belief. Same behaviour. Nothing changes, but the arguments can turn into a power struggle that frustrates…
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How you fight vs. how often: which matters more? 149
Maybe not fighting in a relationship is a good sign, and maybe it's a warning flag. How do you tell the difference? Does not fighting mean you're avoiding hard to discuss topics so that there's no conflict? Does that feel like a healthy relationship? We show the difference between no conflict...
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If your conflict OS is outdated, so are your conflicts #148
Are old problems and failed relationships still in charge of your new problems and current relationships? Here are three ways to get better at managing conflicts. When did you last update your beliefs about how to do conflicts better? What if you got better at managing the conflicts you have?...
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What is your conflict trying to tell you? #147
Conflicts have important information for you. When you're in conflict, you think about how the other person is wrong, or hurtful or disappointing etc. But, your thoughts are also information you can use to understand yourself, and to turn conflict into opportunities for doing better. Here's how…
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Three approaches to owning your conflicts 146
We talk about owning your conflict, but what does it mean to 'own' your conflict? Consider these three meanings of ownership: 1. personal, 2. interpersonal, and 3. using your conflict competencies. Use all three to help you self-regulate, show up for others, and improve the quality of your...
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Can you be impartial while taking a side? #145
Tyson surprised Deborah with a question: Can someone pick a side in a conflict, but then be impartial in the conflict? We discuss the differences in neutrality, impartiality, and advocacy. When faced with polarized conflict, we tend to take sides, and become advocates for one of the opinions.…
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When someone won't listen to you, do this. #144
Sometimes, you mean well but the other person in the conflict just won't hear you. Maybe you want to talk, even to apologize, but they've cut you off, blocked and ghosted you. You can still follow these suggestions to own your conflict, and you may also achieve your goal but in a different way....
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Three questions when someone disappoints you 143
If you are disappointed in someone, it's tempting to blame them for not meeting your expectations. The conflict competent response is to ask yourself these questions, which will improve the quality of your relationship. Is your expectation reasonable; what are you asking the other person to do or...
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Three ways to handle hurt feelings in conflict 142
Feelings are often hurt in conflict, and it's tempting to blame the other person for hurting you. Whether you are 100% at fault for the conflict or did nothing wrong, you can feel hurt. Here are conflict competent ways for you manage the hurt, and improve the quality of your relationships. Show...
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Two small shifts that make big conflict improvements 141
There are two parts to your conflict competence practice; 1. your actions and 2. your attitude. If you change one of them, you will affect the other. Start small, think of one action or belief to change, do that and see how a small change in your belief changes your conflict. Send us a text. We...
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The hidden superpower of conflict competence 140
You're building conflict competencies to use in conflicts. But, these conflict skills actually apply every place you go, with everyone you meet, in every context and to every situation. While you practice conflict competencies for conflicts, you incidentally improve even your calm relationships....
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How to make allies out of people who disagree with you #139
Are you finding it hard to be with people whose personalities and perspectives are different than yours? Maybe your inner conflict holds you back, and maybe difficult people create your conflict. We give you tips for thinking of difficult people as allies rather than as adversaries, because…
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Why you shouldn't have that hard conversation 138
Disagreements on divisive topics are everywhere now. Perhaps you've been told that you should have conversations that feel hard, uncomfortable, or awkward. But does every hard conversation need your input? What if you have valid reasons to not have that hard conversation? This conflict competence...
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Break the cycle of miscommunication 137
Have you ever had an experience where words are spoken but they aren't responded to? Words aren't always communication. Sometimes, exchanging words can even miscommunicate, like when everyone just repeats their position or talking points. Then, everyone feels disappointed they aren't understood....
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When they don't listen to your facts, do this instead 136
Even people you like can make you feel their opinions are attacking you. Sometimes, you have facts to back you up but they won't listen. You may not agree with what they say but you can't convince them that your facts are correct. Here are four alternative approaches so you can defend your…
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What to do when emotions keep you in a conflict 135
Is your opponent in a conflict lying, or do you reject their facts because you don't trust them to tell the truth? You may think that first you believe a fact, and then decide how you feel about the fact. More likely, first you have a feeling, and then, based on that feeling, you decide to…
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How to get along with difficult people 134
Getting along with people improves your happiness. But, maybe you can't find a way to get along with difficult people. They trigger you to react, and that ends up in a conflict. The situation is not hopeless. You already have answers to three helpful questions: what's your reason for getting…
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How to find, fix, and fill gaps in your conflict skills 133
Is there a gap between the conflict you have and the skills you own to deal with that conflict? If you want to improve the quality of your relationships, you'll want to find your skill gaps to fill them. We discuss how to find, fix, and fill your skills gap. A conflict at home is different from...
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How to turn your fear into an ally in conflict 132
Actors use their fears and high emotions to inspire their performances. You can too. Your fears are an energy source and your thoughts are information about the situation. Your fears tell you what you anticipate might happen, and your thoughts direct your action. If you want use your thoughts and...
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What if your beliefs about conflict keep you stuck? 131
131 Use these four self-assessments to dig into how your beliefs about conflict keep you stuck. These self-assessments help you level up your conflict competencies. You need these self-assessments if your conflicts hang on because you have conflict patterns that need a refresh. When did you last...
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Does your conflict recipe miss key ingredients? 130
You weren't born knowing how to cook a meal or handle conflict. You learned basic cooking and, to improve your kitchen skills, you practiced and got better at making meals. It's the same with conflict. You learn the basics, practice and get better at doing relationships. What ingredients make up...
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129 Can you be conflict competent and win the argument?
Have you tried to be more conflict competent but what you tried wasn't successful? Yeah, it's frustrating to try without improving the relationship or ending the conflict. But, was your goal to succeed in being conflict competent, or to win? When you try to be conflict competent, you're…
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128 How do you thaw a frosty relationship (if they won't reciprocate*)?
Have you've tried everything to end a conflict but the person who's got a problem with you just won't reciprocate*? Is there anything you can do to get that problem unstuck? Yes, yes there are a few more conflict competencies to try. Here's how to level up what you believe about conflict, and…
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127 What fight are you trying to win? When your facts won't change their mind
How do you react when someone tells you that you're wrong? If the 'facts' support your argument, shouldn't that be enough to prove you're right? But, does that proof change anyone's mind? We discuss conflicts that get stuck because you feel compelled to defend your position, and so does your...
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126 Better than counting to 10: Five valuable ways to handle emotion in conflict
Perhaps you've heard the advice to count to 10 when you're upset, before you respond. Good advice if you're the upset person. Not as useful if someone is upset with you. At the end of counting to 10, you've counted to 10. Then what? Yes, you do want to pause before you respond. But there's a…
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125 Heroes and villains don't fight about their worldviews (but you really should)
You think that your beliefs are correct, right? They must be. After all, who wants to think their view of how the world works and their beliefs are wrong? But the person you're disagreeing with also thinks their view of how the world works and their beliefs are correct, don't they? Worldviews and...
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124 Three conflict competent ways to get the other person to listen to you
Conversations flow when people take turns speaking. Turn taking in relaxed settings feels fair and companionable. In conflict, turn taking is used to show why you're right and the other person is wrong. No wonder the other person doesn't give you a turn. Here are 3 changes in your approach so the...
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123 What depletes your conflict competence?
Have you had some situations, some conflicts, or some people who test the conflict competency skills you've been working to improve? If you recognize when your conflict skills are being drained then you have another conflict competency. You know that you're losing patience, and you can take steps...
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122 Five ways to stay non defensive when you're feeling attacked
Tense situations come with high emotions and drama. It's hard to to be non defensive, even when you want to. A listener asked for a step-by-step guide to being non defensive. While there's not a one-size-fits-all-guide for any conflict, here are five conflict competencies that help...
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121 When a conflict ends but it's on replay in your mind
Perhaps a bad relationship, (or even a good relationship) ends, but it leaves questions and emotions stuck in your mind. Or the fight is over, the other person is gone, and you still have the fight going on. Only now you supply the dialogue for both parts. We discuss the conflict competencies for...
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120 How to make your conflict a positive experience
Conflict can be a positive experience. It takes practice, is worth the effort, and here's a tip for how to do it. With practice, your conflicts will feel not to hard or soft, too hot or cold. You can keep conflict in the "just right" Goldilocks zone. Conflict is positive when you use conflict...
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119 Before conflict escalates, consider these options
Was there a friend who hurt your feelings, but denied doing it? Who is correct, you who felt harmed or your friend who won't admit doing harm? We discuss how you can improve your conflict competencies to solve this puzzle. You'll get options to consider, and ways to approach the person before the...
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118 When you feel self defensive, use these conflict competencies
Have you ever felt judged or criticized? Did you react defensively, and then they get defensive, and soon the mutual defensiveness escalates (known as tit-for-tat) into a conflict? You defend with "Yes, but..." to explain yourself, and they claim "you're wrong but..." Maybe voices and tempers…
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117 Is your conflict on repeat? You can change that conflict pattern with a (surprise) script
Conflicts in relationships tend to follow patterns, and conflict patterns get stuck in scripts that are hard to change. The good news, one person (you for example) can take the initiative to change a conflict pattern. It takes time for the old pattern to unstick, and the new script might need...
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116 Three kinds of thoughts that block your conflict competence
When you meet someone, you leave impressions on each other. You can't know for sure what impression you leave, but you can guess. And, then you'll behave as if your guess is correct. Feeling misunderstood and judged? You'll act as if you are misunderstood and judged. Maybe you're right; or maybe...
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115 How do you manage in polarized debates?
Have you been uncomfortable when someone you disagree with insists on telling you why you're wrong? We discuss some conflict competent responses to bridge the gap between you and the person who is scolding you. We use examples of polarizing topics, and suggest sample questions that turn the...
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114 Is perspective taking a skill that diffuses conflict?
What happens when your discomfort with taking risks clashes with someone's need to be on time? Or, you think your comment is realistic but someone calls you a negative thinker for saying it? We show how to use Perspective Taking to turn differences in opinions and values into conversations before...
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113 What stops you listening and how to fix it
Are you more polite to strangers than to friends? Do friends trigger you in ways that co-workers don't? Why do you listen and react differently to your loved one than with a friend? Listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give for free. Despite costing nothing and improving much, listening...
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112 What's a good breakup?
Have you ever dumped a friend? Did you do it well? Would the dumped friend agree you did it well? Or, have you stayed friends with someone for a reason other than enjoying their company? We discuss some conflict competencies for breaking up with a friend, to give choices, set boundaries, speak up...
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111 The benefits you get from trying to be conflict competent
Sure, there are lots of benefits to handling your conflicts competently. And there's also effort involved. How do you stay motivated enough to make that effort? Tyson and Deborah chat about the conflict competencies acquired from the effort of being conflict competent, because even the fact of...
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110 How is your relatability a conflict competence?
Do you want to be so likeable that you never have conflict? Is your goal to be so nice that any conflict is either avoided or is resolved as fast as possible? We suggest that being relatable might be the conflict competency you're looking for. show note: Watch episodes 106 and 107 for more...
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108 What benefits do you get from conflict competence?
How do you feel during and after you have a conflict? Our goal is for you to manage your conflicts well enough that you don't feel bad, awful, or regret. You'll do conflict better when you know the real issue that's the problem, and then choose the right conflict competency to manage that issue....
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109 What conflict competencies help when you're overwhelmed
These are overwhelming and complex times, with demands on our time and resources from many directions. Sometimes, you need help sorting out how to address your internal conflicts. We demonstrate a process, name some conflict competencies to use, and suggest you approach your internal conflict...
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ABOUT THIS SHOW
When you improve your conflict skills you improve your relationships. We're tech support for the conflict skills you already have, so you do conflict better.
Our logo is a dandelion because conflict is like a weed invading your garden. You want to know how to manage it, and keep it from spreading. In each episode, we give you one real life conflict competency you can use right away to improve your skills, which will also improve the quality of your relationships.
Dr. Deborah Sword is a specialist in conflict analysis and management. Tyson Bankert is a community facilitator and artist. We have decades of experience helping people improve their conflict competencies.
HOSTED BY
Dr. Deborah Sword, with co-host Tyson Bankert
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Frequently Asked Questions
How many episodes does Conflict Owner's Manual have?
Conflict Owner's Manual currently has 155 episodes available on PodParley. New episodes are automatically indexed when they're published to the podcast feed.
What is Conflict Owner's Manual about?
When you improve your conflict skills you improve your relationships. We're tech support for the conflict skills you already have, so you do conflict better. Our logo is a dandelion because conflict is like a weed invading your garden. You want to know how to manage it, and keep it from spreading....
How often does Conflict Owner's Manual release new episodes?
Conflict Owner's Manual publishes regularly with 155 episodes available. Check the episode list for the typical release schedule.
Where can I listen to Conflict Owner's Manual?
You can listen to Conflict Owner's Manual on PodParley by clicking any episode. We provide an embedded audio player for direct listening, and you can also subscribe via your preferred podcast app using the RSS feed.
Who hosts Conflict Owner's Manual?
Conflict Owner's Manual is created and hosted by Dr. Deborah Sword, with co-host Tyson Bankert.
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