Conflict Owner's Manual

Have you ever had an experience where words are spoken but they aren't responded to? Words aren't always communication. Sometimes, exchanging words can even miscommunicate, like when everyone just repeats their position or talking points. Then, everyone feels disappointed they aren't understood. When you feel like words are a waste of time, stop. Observe what's happening, and share your observation. Interpret the words out loud as if you are translating a foreign language. Acting as communication navigator is a conflict competency, and everyone benefits from your conflict competence.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Even people you like can make you feel their opinions are attacking you. Sometimes, you have facts to back you up but they won't listen. You may not agree with what they say but you can't convince them that your facts are correct. Here are four alternative approaches so you can defend your position without getting defensive. When you understand them even if you don't agree with them, you're being conflict competent. You can be skilled at conflict, unafraid of conflict, and competent to handle conflict, even if the other person in the conflict doesn't realize you are doing it. show notes:episode 135: What to do when emotions keep you in a conflict? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0WqsOA1T0I&t=34sSend us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Is your opponent in a conflict lying, or do you reject their facts because you don't trust them to tell the truth? You may think that first you believe a fact, and then decide how you feel about the fact. More likely, first you have a feeling, and then, based on that feeling, you decide to believe the fact or not. For example, are you inclined to disbelief facts stated by a politician you don't like, and believe the facts of politicians you like?  There are better questions to ask than whether you or your opponent believes the one set of true facts.Show notes:episode 24: Who is correct when opinions differ? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zGxGYPFaYs&t=28sepisode 42: What connects assumptions, beliefs and intentions in conflicts? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4kuJFFWOxngSend us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Getting along with people improves your happiness. But, maybe you can't find a way to get along with difficult people. They trigger you to react, and that ends up in a conflict. The situation is not hopeless. You already have answers to three helpful questions: what's your reason for getting along with the difficult person; how can you be curious about the difficult person's perspective; and where is the interaction with the difficult person happening?With your goal, their perspective, and the context, you have the skills to not get into a conflict.Show notes:Episode #38 What's more effective than calling out someone you disagree with? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bjA0DMhjh4Episode #40 Are any ghosts haunting your conflict? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJSQcOGeQFI&t=1sEpisode #114 Is perspective taking a skill that diffuses conflict? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKGq2mHa9Zk&t=4sIn these videos, we show you how to be skilled at conflict, unafraid of conflict, and competent to handle conflict, even if the other person in the conflict doesn't realize you are doing it. Everyone benefits when you are being conflict competent.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Everyone handles conflict somehow. But different conflicts respond to different conflict skills. Your skills gap is the difference between the conflict you have, and your ability to deal with that specific conflict. What's conflict competent at your home may not be appropriate for your work, or friend group.Reflect on your prior conflicts, and how well your familiar conflict patterns worked out for you. What conflict skills do you need so you can do conflict better? If you want your disagreements well-managed before the conflict gets bad, you'll want to know your skill gaps. Those are the skills to practice when you're calm. Conflict competence improves the quality of your relationships.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Actors use their fears and high emotions to inspire their performances. You can too. Your fears are an energy source and your thoughts are information about the situation. Your fears tell you what you anticipate might happen, and your thoughts direct your action. If you want use your thoughts and fears competently in conflicts, I show you the steps for turning your fears into allies rather than adversaries. You improve the quality of your relationships when you acknowledge your fears, act the way you want to show up, and take ownership of your mindset.Show notes:Episode 47: Train your brain for conflict competence https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUaTuyS6v4c&t=2sResearch about your thoughts and beliefs changing your mindset:Dr. Alia Crum: https://stanfordmag.org/contents/better-believe-itDr. Geoffry Hinton: https://alumni.utoronto.ca/news/dr-geoffrey-hinton-how-ai-can-support-childrens-learningSend us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

131 Use these four self-assessments to dig into how your beliefs about conflict keep you stuck. These self-assessments help you level up your conflict competencies.You need these self-assessments if your conflicts hang on because you have conflict patterns that need a refresh. When did you last review your beliefs about conflict? Or considered your conflict style? Or reflected on your approach to conflict? Has it been a while? Start here, start now, and improve the quality of your relationships.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

You weren't born knowing how to cook a meal or handle conflict. You learned basic cooking and, to improve your kitchen skills, you practiced and got better at making meals. It's the same with conflict. You learn the basics, practice and get better at doing relationships. What ingredients make up your conflict skills? Here are suggestions for making it easier to improve your conflict competencies.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Have you tried to be more conflict competent but what you tried wasn't successful? Yeah, it's frustrating to try without improving the relationship or ending the conflict. But, was your goal to succeed in being conflict competent, or to win? When you try to be conflict competent, you're practicing your skills. You improve, you owned your conflict; that's success. Conflict competency is a continual process of practicing better skills to not have arguments and to amicably resolve any that you do have.You change your pattern to conflict competency and that is the success. If you feel like your attempt 'failed' it means you haven't succeeded YET. If you practice while you're calm, you can become conflict competent, even in the pressure of a conflict.Send us a text, leave a comment, ask a question. We love hearing from you.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Have you've tried everything to end a conflict but the person who's got a problem with you just won't reciprocate*? Is there anything you can do to get that problem unstuck? Yes, yes there are a few more conflict competencies to try. Here's how to level up what you believe about conflict, and thaw that frosty relationship.*Reciprocate means to accept a gesture or compliment or favour or gift etc. and respond with an equivalent. The actions are mutual.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

How do you react when someone tells you that you're wrong? If the 'facts' support your argument, shouldn't that be enough to prove you're right? But, does that proof change anyone's mind? We discuss conflicts that get stuck because you feel compelled to defend your position, and so does your opponent. When that happens, facts are less important than your curiosity. Don't get trapped into defending the 'convictions of your courage'.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Perhaps you've heard the advice to count to 10 when you're upset, before you respond. Good advice if you're the upset person. Not as useful if someone is upset with you. At the end of counting to 10, you've counted to 10. Then what? Yes, you do want to pause before you respond. But there's a better use of that pause than counting to 10.Here are five conflict competent strategies to make that pause really helpful with how you respond.show notes:Episode 20: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0T4cD_KuP8M&t=74sViktor Frankl: “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.”A helpful website about the seconds of pause between stimulus and response:https://www.6seconds.org/2023/07/18/apply-consequential-thinking-in-the-six-seconds-eq-model/Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

You think that your beliefs are correct, right? They must be. After all, who wants to think their view of how the world works and their beliefs are wrong? But the person you're disagreeing with also thinks their view of how the world works and their beliefs are correct, don't they? Worldviews and beliefs are not universal truths accepted by everyone. When worldviews collide, it creates conflicts, and too often people try to resolve the conflict without understanding the worldview that creates it. We discuss how to go there.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Conversations flow when people take turns speaking. Turn taking in relaxed settings feels fair and companionable. In conflict, turn taking is used to show why you're right and the other person is wrong. No wonder the other person doesn't give you a turn. Here are 3 changes in your approach so the other person will want to hear from you. Use these conflict competencies to improve the conversation, and the quality of the relationship.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Have you had some situations, some conflicts, or some people who test the conflict competency skills you've been working to improve? If you recognize when your conflict skills are being drained then you have another conflict competency. You know that you're losing patience, and you can take steps to manage yourself. We give you tips for enhancing your skills if they're being depleted.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Tense situations come with high emotions and drama. It's hard to to be non defensive, even when you want to. A listener asked for a step-by-step guide to being non defensive. While there's not a one-size-fits-all-guide for any conflict, here are five conflict competencies that help non-defensiveness. Combine, rearrange, and use these five in ways that work for you. They are not all the skills you need, but practice them, and you're on your way to improving your conflict competence, and the quality of your relationships.Show notes of the five conflict competencies:1. Listening: Episode 70 is one of a few about listening  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6__TLF-bfo2. Perspective taking: We have a few episodes about perspective taking The latest is 114 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKGq2mHa9Zk&t=2s3. Questioning: Start with episode 77 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zXuOFfhuZU4. Managing expectations Episode 17 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KgCsCR9xis5. Non judgment: Episode 85 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fbENxFhQF0&t=7sSend us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Perhaps a bad relationship, (or even a good relationship) ends, but it leaves questions and emotions stuck in your mind. Or the fight is over, the other person is gone, and you still have the fight going on. Only now you supply the dialogue for both parts. We discuss the conflict competencies for dealing with conflict in which you are the sole active participant. Show notes:Episode 15; Has conflict really ended your relationship?https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDUc2mM1vtwDr. Daniel Kahneman, peak end bias https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/economic-sciences/2002/kahneman/facts/ https://thedecisionlab.com/thinkers/economics/daniel-kahnemanSend us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Conflict can be a positive experience. It takes practice, is worth the effort, and here's a tip for how to do it.With practice, your conflicts will feel not to hard or soft, too hot or cold. You can keep conflict in the "just right" Goldilocks zone. Conflict is positive when you use conflict competencies to Improve the quality of your relationships, learn new skills, and break unhelpful conflict patterns. If you enjoy using fiction to practice conflict skills, check out my Substack posts because that's the motherload: https://substack.com/home/post/p-167675464Show notes:Other episodes that discuss popular culture to practice conflict competencies are numbers 75, 87, and 104.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Was there a friend who hurt your feelings, but denied doing it? Who is correct, you who felt harmed or your friend who won't admit doing harm? We discuss how you can improve your conflict competencies to solve this puzzle. You'll get options to consider, and ways to approach the person before the conflict heats up.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Have you ever felt judged or criticized? Did you react defensively, and then they get defensive, and soon the mutual defensiveness escalates (known as tit-for-tat) into a conflict? You defend with "Yes, but..." to explain yourself, and they claim "you're wrong but..." Maybe voices and tempers rise. We share the conflict competencies that can change that script so the escalation doesn't happen.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Conflicts in relationships tend to follow patterns, and conflict patterns get stuck in scripts that are hard to change. The good news, one person (you for example) can take the initiative to change a conflict pattern. It takes time for the old pattern to unstick, and the new script might need fine-tuning. With consistency, you can change an undesirable conflict pattern, even if the other person isn't aware of your effort until you decide to tell them.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

When you meet someone, you leave impressions on each other. You can't know for sure what impression you leave, but you can guess. And, then you'll behave as if your guess is correct. Feeling misunderstood and judged? You'll act as if you are misunderstood and judged. Maybe you're right; or maybe you're misunderstanding and judging. Your thoughts and beliefs direct your actions, so it's a conflict competence to pay attention to them. Here are three automatic thought biases to be aware of, with suggestions to help you own them.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Have you been uncomfortable when someone you disagree with insists on telling you why you're wrong? We discuss some conflict competent responses to bridge the gap between you and the person who is scolding you. We use examples of polarizing topics, and suggest sample questions that turn the division into conversation.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

What happens when your discomfort with taking risks clashes with someone's need to be on time? Or, you think your comment is realistic but someone calls you a negative thinker for saying it? We show how to use Perspective Taking to turn differences in opinions and values into conversations before they become conflicts.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Are you more polite to strangers than to friends? Do friends trigger you in ways that co-workers don't? Why do you listen and react differently to your loved one than with a friend? Listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give for free. Despite costing nothing and improving much, listening can be rare in relationships. We discuss some conflict competencies for listening better, because listening improves the quality of relationships.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Have you ever dumped a friend? Did you do it well? Would the dumped friend agree you did it well? Or, have you stayed friends with someone for a reason other than enjoying their company? We discuss some conflict competencies for breaking up with a friend, to give choices, set boundaries, speak up sooner, respectful decision making, accommodating discomfort, and answering (or not) their question, "why?"Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Sure, there are lots of benefits to handling your conflicts competently. And there's also effort involved. How do you stay motivated enough to make that effort? Tyson and Deborah chat about the conflict competencies acquired from the effort of being conflict competent, because even the fact of trying reaps benefits. We are motivated from desires to be kind, relate well to others, gain clarity about what is really going on, and have quality relationships. And, we avoid the regret of losing relationships we value. show notes:Corb Lund''s music https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCsv9x5qGWcjjK1ogRDZ-O6wSend us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Do you want to be so likeable that you never have conflict? Is your goal to be so nice that any conflict is either avoided or is resolved as fast as possible? We suggest that being relatable might be the conflict competency you're looking for.show note:Watch episodes 106 and 107 for more information on communication audits.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

How do you feel during and after you have a conflict? Our goal is for you to manage your conflicts well enough that you don't feel bad, awful, or regret. You'll do conflict better when you know the real issue that's the problem, and then choose the right conflict competency to manage that issue. That's how you own your conflict. Let's see how you can own your conflict.show note:examples of conflict analysis are in my substack newsletter: https://substack.com/@deborahswordSend us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

These are overwhelming and complex times, with demands on our time and resources from many directions. Sometimes, you need help sorting out how to address your internal conflicts. We demonstrate a process, name some conflict competencies to use, and suggest you approach your internal conflict kindly, with humility and hope.show note:Dr. Norman Yan, quoting the late Canadian poet Richard Outram, believes the cardinal human values are humility and hope.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

A conflict communication audit takes a lot of context and factors into account. But all of those factors are within your control. In this second episode about conflict communication audits, (listen to episode 107 for the first part) are five components of a conflict communication audit that will improve both your conflict competency, and the quality of your relationships.show notes:Episode 107: Have you done your conflict communication audit? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6vFheobu3kEpisode 90: What is a conflict management mindset? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_JnF6SQR2QThe Thomas theorem: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lAErrXu7mE4Episode 82: The conflict competency of perspective taking https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yC_juYGtP7ISend us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Perhaps you ask: "What's a conflict communication audit and why do one?" It isn't like a corporate communication audit of executive memos and such. Do you understand how you show up in a conflict? Your conflict communication audit includes your words, actions, and impressions you give during conflicts. Your conflict communication audit takes all your conduct and context into account, from the perspective of the person you're in conflict with. What you say and do might not be what they hear and observe. Check in with them even during emotional moments, elicit their feedback, and listen to their opinion with humility. They have information that will help you improve your conflict competency. Each conflict communication audit builds your skills.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Here's what's unique about this podcast: Our belief is that you already have skills to manage conflict. We help you practice your skills, so you improve your conflict competencies. Rather than focusing on resolving any particular conflict, in each episode we point out one or two of your skills that are useful with most people in many contexts. We show how resolution can emerge as a result of you owning your conflict. In this episode, Tyson and Deborah record in the same room for the first time, and Deborah shares the secret of her wearing the dandelion logo shirt. You can watch this episode, and see the shirt @ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGlj7QiQJO4 Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

The movie, Superman, is a fun practice tool for analyzing how intentions matter in conflicts. As you intend, your actions follow. As Superman fights Lex Luthor's metahumans on the battlefield, they also wage a media war of words to win public belief over who is to be believed. Which one of them has true intention for good and which one has secret intention for evil? Luthor undermines trust in Superman's intentions, but Superman has allies uncovering the secrets of Luthor's intentions. In the end, the fight over intentions holds as much power among us humans as the beatings does among the metahumans.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

It's achieved international newsworthiness that people are offending and being offended, cancelling and being cancelled, silent and being silenced. The headlines exist because someone insists that they have the only correct opinion. And, it might be the correct opinion, but is it the only allowable opinion? We discuss some conflict competent approaches when you're feeling offended or have been accused of being offensive.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Would you like to have the secret to resolving your conflict? The secret is: improve your conflict competency so you have skills to handle almost any conflict. No model or script is needed for the skills we encourage you to practice and use. They are: (1) conflict analysis, (2) self-awareness, and (3) appropriate conflict styles. The details are in the episode, just as two small cute dogs come to check what's happening in the office. To see the dogs, go to [email protected] us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Elite athletes heal faster and manage pain better than most people. We can apply their techniques to improve our conflict competence and manage conflicts better than most people. So, what are those techniques, and how can we apply them to conflicts?Show notes:Research paper:Carole A. Paley, and Mark I. Johnson. 25 June 2025. Human Resilience and Pain Coping Strategies: A Review of the Literature Giving Insights from Elite Ultra‐Endurance Athletes for Sports Science, Medicine and Society. Springer Nature. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40279-025-02277-4Conflict Owner's Manual episodes about these coping strategies include:Episode 64: How is self awareness a conflict competency?Episode 78: How do you use and practice conflict analysis?Episode 81: 81 How conflict competence impacts loneliness for the better.Episode 85: How to stay non-defensive when verbally attacked, respond rather than react.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

When someone posts about a conflict on social media, they can expect comments and judgment to pile on. Did the person who posted talk to the other parties in the conflict before asking everyone in cyberspace to judge? In this conflict analysis of a social media post, we discuss assumptions, boundaries, expectations, public grievances, and who might be taking advantage of whom. This episode is part of our series of conflict analysis using popular culture for practice.show notes:These episodes of Conflict Owner's Manual discuss topics covered in this episode:Binary choicesEpisode 37 What if you are given an "either this or that" forced choice?AssumptionsEpisode 42 What connects assumptions, beliefs and intentions in conflicts?BoundariesEpisode 29 When conflicts outgrow their original boundariesExpectations Episode 17 Are disappointed expectations causing your conflicts?Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Why would you want to own your conflict? When you don’t manage yourself in conflict, do you make the situation worse? Here are three steps to take towards owning your conflict, so that you can be the conflict competent person you want to be.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

We recorded this episode before this week's political assassination, but as I listen to the recording before posting it, that's what I think about. If we reduce a human being to just their politics, or to a single trait, or to one note of their personality, we lose more than we can possibly 'win' (whatever winning might even mean). So, can you disagree, or have a conflict with someone and not have it degenerate into a fight? We discuss how.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

You can practice conflict competence almost anywhere, using every interaction, even characters' dialogue in cartoons. Using two cartoons as examples, we analyze the scripts for the opportunities to understand each other that the characters missed. (Please accept that we changed the character names).show notes:Cartoon #1, Between Friends, by Sandra Bell-Lundy Parent: Wear your boots. It’s snowing.Child: I’m not wearing boots. It’s spring.Parent: But it’s snowing.Child: But it’s spring.Parent: But it’s snowing.Child: But it’s spring.Parent: What do I have to do to make them understand?Child: What do I have to do to make them understand?Cartoon #2, For Better or Worse, by Lynn JohnsonDeborah: I see your sister is going away to universityTyson: She’s not too excited about it though. She doesn’t want to leave her friends.Deborah: Yeah, long distance relationships don’t work out too well.Tyson: Deborah, you know I’d go to school here if I could, but I can’t.Deborah: What makes you think I was talking about us? You didn’t hear what I said.Tyson: I heard what you didn’t say.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Some conflicts expand beyond their origin story, so you lose track of who started the conflict, and what your original conflict conflict goals were. That's conflict creep, where conflict exceeds the simpler scope and more limited objectives you had when the conflict started. After a conflict creeps, parties forget about solving the problem, and just want to win. So, how do you stop conflict creep? Using John Paul Lederach's six stages of conflict escalation, we look at how you can recognize the stages, and stop conflict creep.show notes:Lederach, J. P. (1999). The Journey Toward Reconciliation. Waterloo, ON, Herald Press.conflict escalates through six changes. 1, people place blame instead of accepting responsibility. 2, everything that’s wrong replaces the simpler issue that began the conflict. 3, language becomes accusatory, generalized and defensive. 4, people seek allies, and categorize others as friends or enemies. 5, people believe they're justified to react to the latest insult and aggressions.6, no middle ground remains, and people stop communicating.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

What skills help in a conflict where you're willing to talk but the other person is avoiding you? We discuss conflict styles, so that you can choose what's most conflict competent to use in the context, situation, and relationship. show notes:episode 46: How to decide whether to engage in, ignore or avoid conflictepisode 50: What you miss when you respond the same to every conflictSend us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Even regular folks like us are affected by this era of polarized conflict. It isn't just politics and social media that has become polarized in how conflicts play out. What does it mean for our personal relationships and ourselves personally when we fall prey to polarizing conflict in our personal relationships?Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

You have at least five conflict management styles available to use, depending on the context and the relationship. Your conflict competency is using the most appropriate conflict management style for the situation, and the outcome you hope to achieve. But you likely use one or two conflict styles you're most comfortable with. We discuss the conflict style known as competing. When is competing an appropriate style to use, and when does competing not serve you and your relationships well?Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

What does a good wellness program at work offer? The 2024, Wellhub State of Work-life Wellness Report lists some of the benefits of a good wellness program. Mostly missing is the benefit of a good conflict management system. Here are tips for discussing a conflict management system design at work, even before you get the job, because the stress of conflict is incompatible with wellness, unless it's well managed.show notes: https://wellhub.com/en-us/resources/work-life-wellness-report-2024/Episode 31:  Is conflict competence a "soft" skill?Conflict management systems, examples, https://professional.dce.harvard.edu/blog/preventing-and-managing-team-conflict/Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

We continue exploring the conflict management styles you have available to use, depending on the context and the relationship. Your conflict competency is using the most appropriate conflict management style for the situation, and the outcome you hope to achieve.You have a choice of five broad categories of conflict management styles, but you likely use one or two conflict styles you're most comfortable with. We discuss the conflict style known as compromising. When is compromising an appropriate style to use, and when does compromising not serve you well?Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

You use your conflict competencies in every conflict. You can choose how your conflict competency and managing conflict work together. The key is your awareness of your conflict management mindset. Here are a few tips for powering the mindset that will help you do conflict better and improve the quality of your relationships.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

There is no 'best' conflict management style to use in all contexts and for all relationships. Your conflict competency is using the most appropriate conflict management style for the situation, the context, and the relationship.You have a choice of five broad categories of conflict management styles, but most likely you usually default to using only the one or two conflict styles you're most comfortable with. We discuss the conflict style known as accommodating. When is accommodating others an appropriate style to use, and when does accommodating not serve you well? Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Sometimes, even when you try hard to resolve a conflict you hit an impasse. There are many possible reasons that a conflict resists resolution, and one is when your communication styles are so different that you become impatient and frustrated with each other. You want to find a way forward, but you just can't seem to understand their approach to the problem. Here are some conflict competencies for dealing with this communication mismatch.Send us a text. We love hearing from you.Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.