Episodes
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Chapter 83 Bonus - The Birth of Dolores
If you want to understand how we got to the point in this deranged bit where I felt like I should continue it for the rest of the episode. I would have cut it fully if I could, but goddamn did I commit and that really caused problems for future me.
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Chapter 83 - Monopoly Money, An AUtopsy, Riverdollar Tax Collector, AND THE BOG
Get Absolutely Bogged Motherfucker
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Chapter 81 - The Iconic Shower Scene, Toothy, and Miss Crouton
You never know when I'm gonna strike
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Chapter 79- Flashback Sexual, Death Hammer (? I have no idea what I said my name was), and Not Bro Unless I Come Up with a Better Name
We recorded this so god damn long ago, mija. We have all changed as people. We've had character development. We've had character regression. I don't even know the people who are speaking in this episode. I wish you could understand.
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Chapter 78 - Chamo-mile Tea, Gingerito, and Slughead
He is Risen!
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Chapter 77 - The Only Lost One Worth Saving
Do you like our new cover photo ;-;-;-;-;
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Chapter 75 - Clandestine Tickling Ring, Me and The Dogs, and Maple Claw
Do you remember your first time being tickled, mija? Did it change you? Do you think about it? At night?As your partner sleeps beside you, oblivious? Do you crave the sweet sound of laughter? Does the feeling of this want, this craving, haunt your mind? Do you dream of it? Do you? Trigger…
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Chapter 74 - Sugar Daddy, Pre-farm Kevin, and Me!
GRANDPAPPY POOP GRANDPAPPY POOP GRANDPAPPY POOP Trigger warnings: transphobia, homophobia, s*xual assault, stalking, physical violence
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Chapter 73 - The Conch, Bisexual Betty, and Crypto Lesbian Pulp Fiction
Check out this list of local names, mija! Trigger warnings: physical violence, death, kidnapping, su*cide, child abuse, police brutality
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Chapter 72 - Sex Bunker of Death, The Girl Who Cried Papi, and Teen Queen of Tragedy
ITS A GOOD DAY FOR BETTY X DONNA SHIPPERS MIJA!!!!! Trigger warnings: physical violence, su*cide, p*dophilia, filming/watching a sex tape without the consent of the person being filmed (is there a shorter word for this cause I don't know it)
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Chapter 71 - Three Friends in Underwear Marinating in Blood
Mija, my co-host cut the best part out of this episode. Shame on him. Shame. Trigger warnings: death, stalking, physical violence, human trafficking
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Chapter 70 - Jarhead Jines, Soul Sucking Vamp, and Bison
I'm not like other girls, mija. I eat raw human flesh in my spare time! Trigger warnings: stalking, human trafficking, grooming, mention of r*pe, incestuous thoughts, p*dophilia
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Chapter 69 (hehe) - Duckie, Tubby, and No Name Disease
What song would you sing to reject Alpha-Wolf-Reggie, mija? Trigger warnings: human trafficking, su*cidal ideation/su*cide, physical violence, pedophilia, sexual assault, filming sexual content without consent
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Chapter 68 - Hellaciously Simple, Pleated Khaki Trash Monster, and Maplejito (an ableist bitch)
BREAKING NEWS! (news jingle plays) The rum bandit has struck again this morning at the Riverdale zoo, where multiple elephants have been found intoxicated. Zoos around the world terrified. More on this story after a word from our sponsors. (ending jingle plays) Trigger warnings: stalking…
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Chapter 67 - Hello Daddy, Wild Girl, and Ch Ch Ch Ch Ch Ch Ch Ch
Cherry Bomb (Riverdale's Version) deserves to be on your Spotify wrapped, mija. Trigger warnings: human trafficking, suicidal ideation, physical violence, sexual assault, pedophilia, self harm, murder
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Chapter 66 - Lunatic Child, Mother Most Foul, and She-Goblin
Have some syrup with that, m(ij)a'am. Trigger warnings: genocide, su*cide, alcoholism, parental abuse, physical violence
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Chapter 65 - College Sex and the Serial Killer Genes, Sad AV Pervert, and Butterflinger
Tessa Leigh Williams, I would gladly kiss you on the mouth. Trigger warnings: r*pe, self harm, su*cide, conversion therapy, cults, organ harvesting, parental abuse, incest
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Chapter 64 - The Tell Tale Tie Pin, Nosy Old Turkey Waddle, and The Wrath of God
Mija, I know it sounds like we recorded this episode from underwater. That's because we did. We haven't revealed this to you yet, but one of the podcast hosts actually suffers from fish person disease. If you'd like her to record on dry land next time, we are fundraising to try and pay for her…
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Chapter 63 - Rum Tum Tonguer, Parentdale Porn, and Smooth as Cream Babe
Did that Hiram scene make you hot and bothered, mija? 🥵 If so, you may be entitled to financial compensation. Trigger warnings: su*cide, car accidents, murder, addiction, eating disorders
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Chapter 62 - The Other Mija, The Serial Killer Genes, and *sigh* no
Add another secret sibling to the list, mija. Trigger warnings: roofies, p*dophilia, teacher child relationship, child labor, animal abuse, abusive parents
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Chapter 61 - Gargoyle Boy, Captain Spandex, and Toxic Twin
Does anyone know how to get burnt bits of serial killer out of a carpet, mija? Asking for a friend. Trigger warnings: physical violence, roofies, being buried alive, gangs, child abuse, stalking, gun violence, burning alive
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Chapter 60 - Sewing Up Bro, Budding Hooligan, and The Gremlin King
Do you ever eat turkey and wonder vaguely when your mother will die, mija? Trigger warnings: homophobia, gun violence, death, parental abuse, sexual abuse, alcoholism, bombs, cults, su*cide, torture, mutilation
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Chapter 59 - The 1969 #1 Hit Single "Sugar Sugar", Prepubescent Spank Bank, and Rumordale.com
You can contact the national child abuse hotline by texting or calling 1-800-422-4453. If you are a victim of abuse, please contact someone you trust and ask for help. If you know someone being abused, help them access resources available online. If you need more information on how to get help…
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Chapter 58 - Lady Hearse, No Longer Dilfy, and Insufferable Smurf
We miss you Luke Perry. It's pretty sick that you turned into mushrooms ❤️ Trigger warnings: gangs, physical violence, death, car accidents, gun violence, murder
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Chapter 57 - Hiram's Areola Size, Furry Fight, and Homoerotic Russian Roulette
Welcome to the drunk, COVID infested, nippletastic season three finale, mija! Trigger warnings: drug use, organ harvesting, human trafficking, child marriage, conversion therapy, descriptions of violence
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Chapter 56 - The MAOA and CDH13 Serial Killer Genes, Gargoyle Sex, and a boring loser
This is a plea for help from Genetics 101!! Please save me from my co-hosts, mija! They keep listening to Riverdale songs!! Trigger warnings: child abuse, cults, transphobia (shout out to JKR), mutilation, death, animal cruelty, su*cide, bullying, homophobia, Hiram shirtless
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Chapter 55 - Punch Drunk, Vote Choni, and Man Door Hand Hook Car Door
How far can Archie's fists take you, mija 😏🤤🤔 Trigger warnings: child abuse, eating disorders, beheading, necrophilia, cults, gun violence
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Tangents Vol. 4
Wow. I finally made the episode. And it's not even long.
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Chapter 54 - Mommy Ninja Fight, Insidious Bastard, and Pisscup
Donate to Abortion Funds. Links: https://secure.actblue.com/donate/supportabortionfunds?refcode=1milmatch Trigger warnings: guns, cults, child brides, violence
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Chapter 52 - Captain Mija, Betty Snooper, and Beanie-Headed Beau
Mija (Portuguese) Trigger warnings: mention of shootings, cults, child abuse, drug use, su*cide
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Chapter 51 (MEGA EP)- Serial Killer Father, Drug Lord Mother, Child of the Corn, and Mythic Bitch
This episode has a fourth person, mija. It's a good episode, you should listen to it. But also please note that I may or may not like this person anymore. Who can truly say. Trigger warnings: cults, drug use, su*cide, mention of domestic violence, conversion therapy
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Chapter 50 - Blindfolded Lapdance, Bozo Boy Toy, and Candy Epidemic
Me hoy minoy, mija. Trigger warnings: drugs, violence, abuse
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Chapter 49 - Daddy Emeritus, Rogue Goyle, and Daughter of Man-Son
R.I.P to Riverdale, mija, ending after 7 seasons 🥲🥲🥲 Trigger warnings: gang violence, mention of beheading, cults, child abuse, drug use, self harm, mention of r*pe
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Chapter 48 - The Missing Fitness Hour, Ex-Con Who Walked Out of the SATs, and Vigilante Violet
DONATE TO U.S. ABORTION FUNDS! Any amount of money is appreciated!! Go to https://abortionfunds.org/need-abortion/ if you need help or wish to donate. Trigger warnings for this episode: cults, violence
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Chapter 47 - 50 Shades of Blackmail, Brokeback Riverdale, and Clandestine Gropes
Would you bottom in a bunker with a bussy full of beans, mija? Trigger warnings: homophobia, outing, slut shaming, conversion therapy, gun violence, drug use, pedophilia, alcoholism
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Chapter 46 - Gerald "Tall Boy" Petite, Not So Secret Sex Club, and Mobnipulate Mobsplain Mobwhore
They make fun of sex workers in this episode. It's a bad look, mija. Cafe con leche, mija. Trigger warnings: su*cide, gun violence, alcoholism, slut shaming, drugs
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Chapter 45 - @SexyMantle on Bumble, Mrs.Mantle, and Musical Amuse Bouche
I'm not like other bear attack victims, I drink root beer and soak with Jeffrey Dahmer🧍♂️🧍♂️🧍♂️Trigger warnings: death, being buried alive, being skinned, bear attacks, cults, drug use, PTSD, su*cide, abuse, torture, child marriage, shootings, gang violence
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Chapter 44 - Serpent Schoolchum, Sexy Robin Hood, and The Goddamn Bear
How fuckable are the smurfs, mija? Trigger warnings: bear attacks (??), drug use, abuse/violence, human trafficking, su*cide
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Chapter 43 - Ghoulunatic, Rooster Top, and Cookoo Bananas
If I had a nickel for every time someones limb was cut off this season, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but its weird that it happened twice. Trigger warnings: drug use, medical abuse, torture, conversion therapy
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Chapter 42 - Ethelhead 5eva, Mr. 21, and Psycho Bitch
We looked up farm porn for this episode, mija. Trigger warnings: Archie being horny, drug use, violence/death, corporal punishment, conversion therapy, medical abuse, force feeding (???)
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Chapter 41 - Dilton Doiley's Dead Dad Daryl Doiley, 16 Year Old Nerd, and Endgame
How many things can you shove up your vag, mija? Trigger warnings: miscarriage, su*cide, child abuse, death/violence, kidnapping
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Chapter 40 - The Mad Emperor, The Red Palladin, and The Game Master
We're here to let you know that Archie Andrews is canonically average at sex, mija. We were surprised, too. Trigger warnings: police violence, torture, child abuse, assault, su*cide
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Chapter 39 - The Fresh-aid Drainer Chalice Quest, Parents Against LARPing, and Mrs. Crabapple
Listen, mija. We know apartheid was bad. The joke is that the Riverdale writers think that's a hot take. It's fucking not. Anyway this bio doesn't make sense unless you listen, mija. Trigger warnings: racism, abuse, incest, child marriage, drug use, death/violence
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Chapter 38 - Thumper, Daddy Teeth, and Viper Bitch
Is it cheating if you have to go to a sex bunker to become worthy of the King's Scripture, mija? Trigger warnings: su*cide, drugs, violence
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Chapter 37 - Odd Duck, Daddy Dearest, and Don't Drink the Freshaid
This podcast does not support J*hn M*laney, mija. But we do use his jokes. Trigger warning: su*cide, drug use, gang violence, assault
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Chapter 36 - Insert three names here because *someone* didn't include them in this episode :)
We're really not good at doing this podcast, mija. If you saw the other bio, no you didn't. Trigger warnings: su*cide, abuse, drug use, conversion therapy/homophobia
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Chapter 35 - Serpent King, Strapping Conquistador Father, and Serpent Queen
Does your peepee have a hat, mija? Let us know!
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Chapter 34 - Serpent Smurfette, I Love My Daddy, and Run of the Mill Psychopath
Pop your pussies for the gang war, mija 💋
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Chapter 33 - Spaghetti Bits and Milk, Ticket to Ride, and Small Fry
Chapter 32? Never heard of her, mija. Also, this episode sucks.