Evolutionary Men

In this episode I break down why so many men feel stuck. It comes down to two energetic moves I watch men make over and over, moves that burn enormous energy and produce no movement, so from the inside it feels like nothing is happening. I share where they come from, what they cost you in your body and your relationships, and the one thing I've seen actually get men unstuck. Then I leave you with two quick questions to find where you're doing both of these things. Join the Heart of Shadow Men's Group & Retreat Click the icon below to listen.       

In this episode I invite Alistair Moes, who has operated his own anger management practice for over 31 years and has worked with more than 15,000 men and women, to discuss what truly occurs in the body when anger takes over, why many of us either explode or shut down and label it handling things, and what it means to meet conflict from the adult inside you rather than the wounded kid. We explore the family patterns that shaped each of our approaches to anger, and the practice that reveals which one is actually in control at any given moment. Moose Anger ManagementClick the icon below to listen.       

In this episode I break down the moment I lost it with my daughter over a coloring page, the sharp voice, the walk to the car when I realized what I'd just done to her. I get into Dan Siegel's hand model of the brain, why your kid feels your nervous system more than your words, and where you're supposed to put that charge when your family isn't the place to dump it. Join us Monday August 24th for Rage & Anger: How to Wisely Channel Your Power as a Man Build your space to bring your tantrums in The Heart of Shadow Men's Group & RetreatClick the icon below to listen.       

In this episode I'm joined by Dr. Luke Adler to talk about shadow work for regaining your power, especially for nice guys who've gone allergic to their own force and desire. We get into the difference between power over and power under, why so many men carry a clog in their body around their center, and how father wounds shape our relationship to anger and protection. Join us in reclaiming your power in The Heart of Shadow Men's Group & RetreatClick the icon below to listen.       

In this episode I get into touch, why it lands or falls flat with a woman, and what her body is already reading in you before your hands ever move. I break down the physiology behind it, your breath, your nervous system, and the different kinds of tension that decide whether she melts into you or just tolerates you. I also get into my own history with touch, which wasn't pretty, and the frame I now use with the men I coach around all of this.Click the icon below to listen.       

In this episode I break down what's happening when life looks fine on paper but you feel like you're not the one driving it. Losing direction is nearly inevitable once the track (school, career, mortgage, kids) runs out, and you can't think your way back. I walk through the two compasses I've watched work in hundreds of men's lives, the practice men have used to read them for thousands of years, and the one place none of us wants to look. Get moving: ​Master reading her breath to enhance her pleasure on August 10th​ ​Grab one of the last Labor Day retreat spots​ ​Snag the early bid on the Heart of Shadow men's group and retreat​ You might also like... ​EP85 - The Difference Between Waiting and Resting​ ​EP29 - Three Questions Every Man Needs to Be Able to Answer​ ​EP100 - Shadow Work for the Chronically Driven (with Luke Adler) Click the icon below to listen.       

In this episode I get into the question most men never ask, why would she want to have sex with you? I break down Rosemary Basson's research on responsive desire, why her wanting often arrives through connection instead of before it, and what it actually takes to be a man she can open toward. I talk about tending your own nervous system, learning her warm up sequence, feeding the connection all week, and the real difference between reaching for her from tension release versus reaching for her by name. On air I taught the first half of a bigger map. The full teaching, both axes, all four engines, her side of the grid, and the three ways reaching for her goes wrong, is written up here: The Two Engines of Desire. What to expand your capacity as a lover? Learn from touch coach Elizabeth Anneka about the power of breath for good sex by signing up for How to Touch Women: It Starts with Your Breath Workshop on Monday, August 10th at 5:30pm Pacific. $97.Click the icon below to listen.       

In this episode I bring on touch coach Elizabeth Anneka to break down why so many men have the desire to please a woman but not the skill. We get into her bullseye mismatch concept, the difference between penetrating and receptive states, how to keep touch alive once it's gone stale in a long term relationship, and the power of breath to guide it all for men. Learn from Elizabeth about the power of breath for good sex by signing up for How to Touch Women: It Starts with Your Breath Workshop on Monday, August 10th at 5:30pm Pacific. $97. Learn more about Elizabeth at https://www.howtotouchwomen.com Prefer to read? The distilled version is on the blog: How to Touch a Woman: Start Outside the Bullseye and Follow Her Breath.Click the icon below to listen.       

In this episode I'm joined by Gethin Aldous, co-director of The Work, the award-winning documentary shot inside Folsom Prison. We get into what happens when the hardest men in the system sit in circle and let themselves break, why prison cuts straight through the judgment that men's work is soft or goofy, and what it awakens in the men who witness it. If men most people have written off can go this deep, so can you. Go watch the film, then do your own work. Watch The Work on Apple | Youtube Gethin's Production Company MythoWorks All Kings NY Inside Circle Click the icon below to listen.       

In this episode I talk about the real cost of staying numb and what's actually happening when a man feels flat. I get into the one-pipe reality, why clamping down grief and anger also chokes off joy, desire, and aliveness, the difference between a state and a stage, and why you can't think or read your way back to being fully alive and how important it is to plunge into spaces of depth to give you a lived experience of your power and vitality. Come Fully Alive at the Evolutionary Men Labor Day RetreatClick the icon below to listen.       

In this episode I lay out a map I've been building for nearly two decades: nine specific capacities that separate the man who walks into a room and changes it from the man nobody quite remembers was there. I take them one at a time: vitality, devotion, curiosity, rigor, initiative, presence, empathy, depth, and discernment, go through what each one looks like when it's online and what it costs you when it's not, and why a tenth capacity, belonging, wraps around all of them. Cultivating these capacities if the lifelong path of Evolutionary Men. Discovery your capacity map by taking the Evolutionary Edge quiz at quiz.evolutionary.men Click the icon below to listen.       

In this episode I'm joined by Dr. Luke Adler to talk about the shadow of shadow work, what it demands from us beyond catharsis, and why release is only the first step that must extend into accountability. We break down the three-phase arc of release, responsibility, and repair, sit with the cultural pressure on men's groups right now to do more than hold space for pain, and get into what real carefrontation looks like when you care too much to stay quiet. Join The Heart of ShadowClick the icon below to listen.       

In this episode I sit down with my wife Violet Lange to talk about the gap no amount of solo work can close. You've done your reading, you've done your shadow work, you feel solid, and then a woman walks into the room and you freeze, shrink, or bury your desire. You can practice alone forever, but you only get good at the feminine in front of the feminine. We get into why so many men get so few reps, why the dating world is the worst possible place to learn, and what opens up when the container is built for practice instead of outcome. Violet's frame is simple: this is practice, not pickup. When the agenda is gone and the safety is real, you stop managing how you come across and start meeting the parts of yourself you usually keep hidden. This is the work that pairs with men's groups, not the work that replaces them, the cross-training most guys don't know they're missing. If you've done your work with the men and still lock up the moment polarity enters the room, this one is for you. Violet's co-ed practice container, the Love Field, opens this summer. Details at violetlange.com/thelovefield What's your Evolutionary Edge (and blindspot) as a man? Take the free assessment to find out at quiz.evolutionary.men. Join a Men's Group: Men's Group Experience Pillars of Presence The Heart of Shadow Click the icon below to listen.       

In this episode I take Scott Galloway's framework for young men, the provider, protector, procreator model, and make the case that it's necessary but not sufficient. I use Ken Wilber's four-quadrant map to show that the two quadrants Galloway skips, interior life and real male connection, are exactly where the crisis lives. Then I name the two missing pieces that round out his framework and don't replicate the same provider / manbox trap men have been stuck in for ages. Finally I point to the parts of Galloway's own life that have already shown him what he left out of the book. What's your Evolutionary Edge (and blindspot) as a man? Take the free assessment to find out at quiz.evolutionary.men.Click the icon below to listen.       

In this episode I sit down with Keith Martin-Smith, an award-winning author, Zen priest, martial artist, and one of my oldest, dearest friends. We've been sitting in circle together for almost 20 years. Keith grew up in a working-class Irish Catholic family on the East Coast, where his father never shed a tear his entire life and shutting down was just what men did. We get into how he came out of that conditioning, what 20 years of Zen and men's work has transmitted to him, and why the most elite warriors on the planet are also the most sensitive men in the room. More of what we cover: Why most men are reacting to their lives instead of responding The difference between being seen and being known in a group What a real men's group does that therapy structurally can't Why it's important for nice guys to feel their anger If you've ever wondered what men's work actually is beyond the caricature, this is a solid place to start. Learn more about Keith Attend the Strength with Heart Masterclass June 7th, 2026Click the icon below to listen.       

In this episode I talk about freeze, the response in men that hides in plain sight. Fight gets respect. Flight at least looks like movement. Freeze just looks like you vanished, and most of the time nobody even clocks it, including you. Plus on top of that a lot of men get praised for being steady when what's actually happening inside them is immobilization. I've lived inside this one for most of my life, in the conversations that mattered, the choices I couldn't make, the moments I needed to show up and couldn't find my way there. In this one I get into what's actually happening in your body when you freeze up, why the pattern runs so deep, how to head it off at the pass when possible, and what happens when you do really freeze and can't get yourself out of it. Curious which of the 9 masculine archetypes you embody? Take the free assessment at quiz.evolutionary.men.Click the icon below to listen.       

In this episode I bring on Benjamin Roth and Jeff Raab to explore how improv and theater work can help men get out of their heads and into their bodies. We talk about the courage it takes to make bold choices without overthinking, how to stay present when you cant control the outcome, and why developing comfort with failure might be one of the most important masculine capacities for navigating life and relationships Click the icon below to listen.       

After more than 3 years and 7 cohorts of The Heart of Shadow program and retreat for men, Luke and I are thrilled to be teaming up with my wife Violet to bring the experience to women. Many of the men that work with us ask how they can support their partners and the women in their life, and we're thrilled to say we think The Heart of Shadow for Women is one of those ways! The three of us talk about shadow work and the many ways its the same for men and women, and the many ways it's different! Learn more about the Heart of Shadow for Women at https://heartofshadow.com/women Click the icon below to listen.       

In this episode I bring on my friend and practicing couples therapist Ryan Ginn to break down what separates great couples therapy from a waste of your time and money. If you’ve ever felt like you and your partner were just venting to a silent witness every session, or you’re trying to figure out where to even start looking for the right fit, this one’s for you. Ryan and I get into the leadership quality you want from a therapist, why nervous system training matters way more than just talking about your problems, and how to know when it’s time to find someone new. We also cover the trap of litigating the past, what it means to actually train your relational capacity in session, and the willingness both partners need to bring for any of it to work. Learn more about Ryan at https://ryanginn.com and https://www.beingmen.net/ Lead your relationship with more depth in my Pillars of Presence program Reconnect, Repair, and Reignite your relationship at via 12 Epic Dates and Evolutionary CouplesClick the icon below to listen.       

In this episode I’m joined by Dr. Luke Adler, my co-facilitator in the Heart of Shadow program, to dive into shadow work for one of the most common struggles I see in men: knowing what you feel but not being able to say it. That chasm between awareness and expression, between what’s happening inside and actually moving sound through your body and into a conversation. We break down why so many of us freeze when it matters most and what’s actually underneath that freeze. We explore the origin stories of why our nervous systems learned to lock things up in the first place, the difference between vulnerability and transparency, and why a men’s group is often the only place where you can finally practice bringing yourself forward in a way that actually sticks. If you’ve ever had words stuck in your throat with a partner, struggled to have a hard conversation, or just felt like something is blocked between what you know and what you can say, this one’s for you. Join the next Heart of Shadow cohort at https://heartofshadow.comClick the icon below to listen.       

In this episode I’m joined by Dr. Luke Adler to explore how shadow work can transform your sex life. We dig into why so many men use ejaculation as their primary emotional release tool and what happens when sex becomes responsible for making us feel better. We unpack the connection between safety, relaxation, and arousal, and why performance anxiety often stems from deeper places we don’t want to look at. We also explore what shifts when sex becomes an expression of connection rather than a destination to escape to. If you’ve ever wondered why “better sex” isn’t about technique, this one’s for you. Shadow work creates the capacity to feel more, stay present, and stop using sex to discharge what we haven’t learned to process. When we release our partners from the burden of managing our emotional lives, something opens up. And when we have a group of men to hold our vulnerability, we stop needing our intimate relationships to do all that work. The path to better sex runs through your gut, your heart, and the shadows you’ve been avoiding. Join the next Heart of Shadow Men’s Group and RetreatClick the icon below to listen.       

In this episode my wife Violet and I break down why your relationship can’t always be sunny and perfect—and why that’s actually a good thing. We walk through the four seasons of relationships and the reality of how different parts of your partnership can be in completely different seasons at the same time. Your sex life might be in spring while your emotional connection is in winter, and not knowing that can keep you confused about what’s actually going wrong. If you’ve ever wondered why the spark faded or why connection feels harder than it used to, this episode will help you understand what’s actually happening—and what to do about it before you lose years to autopilot.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ Join our free connection date night for couples at https://evolutionarycouples.us/evolutionofus Learn more about our programs Evolutionary Couples and 12 Epic Dates at https://evolutionarycouples.usClick the icon below to listen.       

In this episode Luke and I dive into the shadow of worry and rumination that keeps so many men trapped in their heads. We break down why living from the shoulders up isn’t strength, it’s avoidance. You’ll hear about the subtle ways fear masquerades as logic, how productivity can become procrastination, and why jacking off might be your nervous system’s go-to discharge pattern. We get into the real work of traversing from your head to your heart to your guts, and why community isn’t optional for this journey. Join a Heart of Shadow Men’s Group & RetreatClick the icon below to listen.       

In this episode my wife Violet and I share the five scariest moments in our relationship. These weren’t just hard conversations or minor disagreements, but the moments where both of us genuinely questioned whether we’d make it, whether we’d chosen the right partner, or whether we were trapped in patterns we couldn’t escape. We get specific about what actually happened, the deep fears underneath each crisis, and the exact moves that allowed us to work through the terror instead of letting it end things. If you’ve ever had that gut-punch moment in your relationship where you think “is this it, is this over?” then listen in! Every long-term couple hits these inflection points where fear can either derail everything or become the catalyst for deeper trust and connection. Tune in to learn how we did it, what we’d do differently, and why these scary moments became some of the most important turning points in building a relationship that actually works. Join our FREE CONNECTION DATE NIGHT for couples at https://evolutionarycouples.us/evolutionofus Go on 12 Epic Dates and/or do the Evolutionary Couples program at https://evolutionarycouples.usClick the icon below to listen.       

In this episode I explore why so many good men still feel a quiet emptiness even when life looks full. We get into what’s really underneath the loneliness men carry today, and how brotherhood, real connection with men who both see you and call you higher, brings life back into your system. This isn’t about fixing yourself. It’s about remembering what makes you come alive again. Join a men’s group nowClick the icon below to listen.