GR8 Relationships

The common pattern everyone experiences has three simple steps and it sounds like this: “I was living this way. Then one day THIS happened. Now I live my life differently.”

Actions can help your feelings change. But if you are acting differently than you feel, does that mean you "Fake it till you make it?" Since your feelings are indicators, they reveal what your thoughts are and what your actions may be. Feelings and BehaviorNo doubt, thinking belongs at the beginning, so should acting come second or third? You can realize significant benefits when you act, even when your emotions oppose the action, and strengthen your action when emotions are engaged.Which is it – acting then feeling, or feeling then acting? You have entered the "fake it till you make it" domain.What is the connection between feelings and behavior? Do your feelings impact your behavior? Does your behavior impact your feelings?The answer is yes; both happen. It is easy to see that feelings drive behaviors, but the opposite is also true. For example, researchers have consistently found that people behaving in ways that conflict with their feelings or attitudes will change their feelings to be consistent with their behavior. That is why people who suffer the trauma of having an amputation are asked to help other patients as soon as possible.Act the Way You Want to FeelOrder or consistency is essential for life and your body. Research shows that if you feel depressed, you can act differently than your feelings to impact the depressed feelings. Consider the following:Isaiah 58:10 (NKJV) – If you extend your soul to the hungry and satisfy the afflicted soul, then your light shall dawn in the darkness, and your darkness shall be as the noonday.When you serve others, your darkness turns to light because you stop focusing on yourself. God wants you to help others which models His behavior instead of “flashing our ME.”Face, Body, BreatheYou can experiment with yourself to prove whether actions can alter feelings with a simple technique. Try it the next time you are feeling sad. Three steps – Face, Body, Breathe/Speak. Start with your face. Ask yourself, “How would I like to feel right now?” If you answer “sad,” then this three-step technique may not help, but if you answer “happy,” “joyful,” “peaceful,” or other similar words, then put a smile or at least a pleasant expression on your face. Even if you answered “sad,” you can still try this.Next, look at your body. Most likely, your body reflects sadness – slumped shoulders, head down, moving slowly. Change your body to be in a position that demonstrates your chosen emotion. At least sit or stand up straight, with your shoulders back and chin up, and have a good posture. Start moving with a little more energy.Finally, think about your breathing and speech. Take some deep breaths and speak with energy and articulation if you need to talk. You will soon see the critical element that makes this technique work.We are now clearly in the "fake it till you make it" arena.Not Being FakeIf you do those three steps, you put your body out of sync with your emotions. So, your feelings are sad, but your body is “happy,” which leaves you in what researchers call dissonance – emotions and actions are not equal. You have two options – change your feelings to be like your body or your body to be like your emotions. If you let your body remain “happy,” you will experience the reality of emotions being responders. They are responding to your actions and, more importantly, to your thinking, which drives your actions.“But that is fake it till you make it!” That could be the case, but if you decide joy is more critical than being sad or depressed, it is not fake – it is being true to your values or priorities. Being depressed is not what you value, it is the actual “fake” item. This technique can help you to be authentic.A Common Pattern for Life ChangeGood thinking helps us eliminate the lousy part of a common pattern everyone experiences. This pattern occurs over and over, with the outcome of each occurrence leading either to a life that glorifies God or further self-absorption.The common pattern has three simple statements:“I was living this way. Then one day, THIS happened. Now I live my life differently.”On closer inspection of many life changes, you will see more detail which sounds like this:“I was living this way.  Then THIS happened … it happened again and again and again … Then it struck me! I got it! Now, I live my life differently.”That is the standard form of every testimony you hear at church or any program that helps people change. There are multiple examples of this pattern in the Bible. One of the more known examples would be King David in 2 Samuel 11 and 12. There you can read the story of David and Bathsheba.King DavidA shortened version of the story is David commits adultery with Bathsheba. She later told him she was pregnant. Since her husband, Uriah, was away at war, David arranged a time for Uriah to come home. That would give time for husband and wife to be together, covering up David’s sin. But the plan did not work, so David ordered Uriah to the front of the battle, where he was killed. David then took Bathsheba to be his wife to cover up the sin.David did not confess his sin, so God sent Nathan to confront him by telling him a story of a rich man stealing a poor man’s sheep. That aroused David’s anger to say, “As the Lord lives, the man who has done this shall surely die!” Then Nathan stated, “You are the man!” which awakened David to say, “I have sinned against the Lord.”His Common PatternDavid could tell us the story with the common pattern.“My actions were displeasing to God – adultery, murder, and unconfessed sin. I made bad choices allowing my sinful thoughts to lead me rather than doing what was right. It was wrong, but I did not want to admit it and made it worse by trying to cover up my adultery with murder. Then one day, Nathan confronted me with a story that showed how real my sin was. I confessed it to the Lord and experienced the consequences of my sin with my son's death. Now I focus on walking with the Lord, and when I sin, confess it as soon as I know it.”God called David “… a man after His own heart …”  How could that be when God knew that David would commit such horrible sins? I believe it was because David believed and trusted God first, and when he sinned, he confessed it. That is a person desiring to please God – a man after God’s heart.Options for ChangeSince the pattern is so true, the middle part, “THIS happened,” is the critical element. The THIS in David’s story is when Nathan confronts him, but that is just one way THIS is communicated.Consider three examples from my life.CategoryFormer BeliefCurrent BeliefSpiritualCareerSocialGoing to heaven is all that is importantClimb the corporate ladderI am mostly self-sufficientI will be judged. Eternal rewards are realWork to your strengthsRelationships are criticalMy ExamplesI believed in God’s desire to conform me to His image, but despite that, I did not understand the connection of this life to reigning with Christ in eternity. I thought that going to heaven was all that was important. Now, because I understand Scripture better, my thinking has changed. While going to heaven is especially important, it is not the end of the story. I will also be judged, and eternal rewards (or loss of rewards) are real. This life is an apprenticeship for being a servant king in God’s Kingdom.Another former belief about work and career was climbing the corporate ladder was a fundamental goal for a person in an organization. Now that changed to work to your strengths so that you are most effective for the organization.Yet another change I have had is social: I used to believe in self-sufficiency, but now I believe that relationships are critical.Think About Your LifeTake a minute to think about your life. Consider the categories in the table above, think about what you believe now, and reflect on what you used to believe.What happened that moved you to change? What THIS happened?One thing most likely occurred, you adopted different thinking. Here is a great principle to consider.If people are changed, they are changed largely because their thinking has changed.Changed and Burned a FortuneNotice how that statement fits the scripture below.Acts 19:18-20 (NKJV) – And many who had believed came confessing and telling their deeds. Also, many of those who had practiced magic brought their books together and burned them in the sight of all. And they counted up the value of them, and it totaled fifty thousand pieces of silver. So the word of the Lord grew mightily and prevailed.Before they knew Christ, they thought magic was the answer. Now that they believe in Christ, they burned an absolute fortune in books about magic.Why? Their thinking had changed! Their pattern for change could have been, "My life depended on whether I had the right magic or potion to make life better. Now that I believe in Christ, I have burned my magic books and believe He is the answer.” Their lives were radically changed, to the point that they burned what they used to consider a treasure.Change can follow three options: get better, stay the same, or get worse. So, a “Change Table” would look like this:OptionsBetterSameWorseBelieve a truthBelieve another truthBelieve the same truthBelieve a lieBelieve a lieBelieve a truthBelieve the same lieBelieve another lieWhat is obvious about the BETTER column?Believing Truth and RealityTruth is imperative for a “better” life. When lives change for the better, truth is involved somewhere. “Better” in this context does not mean winning the lottery. While that can be better for some if they have the correct thinking about stewardship, it creates a nightmare for most. So, “better” is defined as a pattern for change that becomes more closely aligned with God’s prescription.Truth is always required to become aligned with God. Consider the definition of truth: “the quality of being true, genuine, actual, or factual; a proven or verified principle or statement; fact....

Some people aren't interested in getting to a solution or finding a way to get along - they say, "Just let me be mad!" Is that okay? Not if they are not willing to slow down and talk to help resolve whatever is the issue. But, you also want them to express those feelings whether valid or not. Feelings are bad or good; they are just indicators. Therefore, they respond to the stimuli they receive and are untrustworthy and fickle. You can reinforce the idea that feelings are primarily responders and often untrustworthy by considering two simple statements: Bad can feel good Good can feel bad “Bad can feel good” is easy to prove. You have no doubt experienced feeling good, even excited, as you encounter temptation and sin. But it is followed by an inner conviction that you have done something wrong. That good feeling about doing something bad will always be temporary unless your heart is hardened. Vengeance is one “bad” that may feel good longer than other sins because your mind is focused on justice and “getting even.” Most other sins register quickly with regret or guilt replacing whatever positive emotion was there.  The story of any sin fits the “bad can feel good” statement and is clearly illustrated in the original sin in the Garden of Eden. So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate. She also gave to her husband with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings. And they heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden. – Genesis 3:6–8 (NKJV) Put yourself in Eve’s place and let your emotions follow the story. Eve was swept away by the appeal of the fruit – good for food, pleasant to the eyes, could make her wise – so she ate. It sounds like she felt good about eating the fruit, BUT it was bad. And to prove it was bad, notice where their feelings go next. “Their eyes were opened…knew they were naked…hid themselves…” Feelings were responding to the reality of what God said would happen. Most often, the good feelings happen before and during the sin because we do not listen to the conviction of our conscience or the Holy Spirit saying – “Think about this! Don’t do it!” “Good can feel bad” is also real. Consider the emotional conflict you experience when you know a close friend or relative is sinning. You know it is time to speak with them, so you gather your courage to do it, but your emotions work against you. And, in those cases where the conversation goes poorly, you may experience feelings of regret instead of peace or joy for doing what was right. A good parent disciplining their child understands that “good can feel bad.” Similarly, when a good leader shares the truth with a person because they are not doing a good job, it often does not feel good. Consider the following: Just because I do right, does not mean I will feel right (at that time) Corollary: Just because I feel right does not mean I am doing right

To use the Magic Question tool properly you need good listening and question skills. It is designed to help people discover solutions rather than being told what to do. Try these steps on yourself and see what happens.

Do you have a favorite scary movie? Maybe the classic movie "Pyscho". Mine is the original "Alien" and even though it is my favorite, it's difficult to watch, because it does such a good job of scaring me with its special effects and story!

The Freedom V is an excellent tool and principle because it helps you grasp the relationship between freedom and self-governance. The Freedom V graphic is largely self-explanatory. The two most essential elements are the V shape and the arrow in the middle.The V ElementsFirst, the V shape. The lines on the right and left are boundaries that define the limits of acceptable behavior. These boundaries are best when they are clear and bright. Nothing is left to speculation or conjecture. And they need to be easily known and advertised, if possible.Second, the space inside the V represents the area of Responsible Freedom. That is where you use your freedom responsibly, within the structure’s accepted norms. The amount of freedom increases as you move up the V shape. The structure can be malevolent or benign, but there will still be a V shape. Even in the most disgusting dictatorships or gangs, some gain more freedom by not crossing the boundaries set by the structure.Third, outside the V are consequences for crossing the boundaries. Once you cross the boundary, you move into the area of Irresponsible Freedom. Again, this applies to both good- and bad-value organizations or structures. Even evil organizations have their boundaries. Hopefully, the consequences are clearly stated when the boundaries are set.The ArrowFinally, the arrow in the middle represents self-governance. The color on the arrow represents the degree of self-governance being demonstrated. At the bottom, it needs improvement. The yellow and green represent the increase in self-governance as you move from bottom to top. And the colors directly correlate with the narrow or expansive freedom allowed.So, you can see that for any of us, in the structures in which we live, the more we abide by the rules of the structure and stay within the boundaries, the greater freedom is provided. In other words, the more self-governance is demonstrated, the more freedom is provided.The TableIn the graph above, the table to the right provides some additional ways to look at the Freedom V. For example, you can divide self-governance into three distinct levels that overlap.Self-absorbed - From the bottom in the red into the yellow area. That would be someone who is either inexperienced, lacks knowledge of a topic, or ignores what is right. That is the Learning Stage, which is the same as the first stage of the GR8 Leaders coaching model. At that stage, people need specific rules due to tighter controls. That does not mean you ignore the “why” of the rules.Self-controlled - From the middle yellow area into the green. That would be someone who demonstrates adequate self-governance. This can be measured generally or specifically for individual work or life situations. They are in the Apply Stage, where they mostly need guidelines since they understand the rules.Selfless or Self-denial - The top area of self-governance that tends to work to benefit others. That is the Serve Stage, where people operate on principles and know how to apply them to various life situations.The Freedom V will work with any relationship or organization and is especially well-suited to families and businesses with strong values.A person with self-governance considers others and the impact of their actions on others. They will stay within the V if the freedom inside the V is about excellent and Godly values.

The Antonov 225 is a very large airplane—350 tons and can carry 300 tons of cargo—but it flies! That must mean that gravity is not real OR there is a principle higher than gravity. Of course, gravity is real, but Bernoulli's Principle shows us that speed combined with the shape of a wing creates lift "defying" gravity.

Judging other people is so easy, isn't it? All it takes is to look around at all of the "other sinners" and start our judgmental engine. And, what is best about it, even if we don't know something that they are doing that's wrong, we still can speculate about how bad they are. When we are judgmental, we are not willing to accept someone the way they are—flawed, depraved humans just like us. Our "Flashing ME" wants to elevate ourselves above them to make us feel better.

When you operate with freedom toward others, you do not judge them. You can be disappointed with their behavior, but you recognize that any change they make will not last unless they decide to change.

When you want to be accepted by others you will be controlled by them. Now think about it, it’s their choice whether they will accept you—you must meet their standards (probably multiple standards) and even if you meet their standards, they still may not accept you. Ultimately it comes down to whether they want to accept you or not. And, if you really want to be accepted, you may compromise or ignore your values and beliefs. That's one reason why gangs work and good people do bad things they did not think they would do.

Past promises or goals you made can become obligations. It is no longer what you "want" it is now a “have to do”. Now all obligations are not evil, that is not the point. When you start sensing the "have to do" you begin to ignore that you still have freedom to do it or not. You have taken a desire or want, a good goal or commitment and now it requires compliance, blocking any sense of choice or freedom.

As with most of this relationship material, I represent the way to NOT be doing relationships. And, for this control people item, that's me! I speak control fluently and will tell you it severely damages relationships.

It's a very old problem, kids blaming their parents for how they turned out. And from the parents side, taking credit for the kids turning out well or feeling like losers when the kids don't. God speaks directly to that issue in Ezekiel 18.

You are "concerned" that you see sin in their life and you know from God's Word that the consequences of sin are never good. What should you do? Since they are free to sin, do you ignore it and hope they make another choice? Do you get involved and tell them about the sin and hope they change? Do you tell them about the sin and try to make them change? What if they never change?

Our working definition of freedom is "Acting without force or manipulation or acting without controlling or being controlled." Freedom is often not easy for us to understand, especially how it works in relationships. Without freedom in a relationship, you will never know if someone is relating to you simply because they want to. Go listen to "The Third Tool" on the Radio page to help you start understanding how freedom works in relationships. And, watch the "Freedom and Choice" videos in chapter 8.

You are probably not experiencing as much freedom as you think. Even when we are irresponsible with our freedom, not caring about others, we often become controlled by life, circumstances and people. Go listen to "Two Ways to Live and The Third Tool" on the Radio page to listen how we too often live in this Left Circle. And, watch the "Freedom for You: Two Circles" videos in chapter 8.

Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Forgiveness is so good for you, but it gets derailed when you combine it with things like reconciliation. If you think you must reconcile with someone that may prevent you from the freedom you can have through forgiveness. Listen to hear how reconciliation is completely separate from forgiveness.

Forgiveness will heal a multitude of relationship problems, but it is not natural to consider it, especially shortly after someone has hurt you. The pain of what they did to you typically removes any thinking about forgiveness—the actual cure for you.

How is it possible that what attracts you to someone could actually become a big problem later in the same relationship? All couples are faced with this issue, so listen to hear how this works.

Whenever I hear someone say some version of "they are falling in love," it not only tells me they do not understand love, but also they are unlikely to know the basics of relationships. Unfortunately, if you believe people "fall in love" you must believe that people "fall out of love." What a horrible distortion of what love is and how to have a great relationship.

When you have difficulties in a relationship, it is easy to wonder how long the problem will last. Worse yet, when one person is unwilling to make changes to help the relationship, it is very easy to wonder how long you can take it. The predominant question seems to be, “What if this never changes?”This podcast is an essential resource for anyone struggling with those thoughts.

If you want personal transformation, the Lord has graciously provided all the steps to achieve it. If you’re going to coach someone to make changes or improve their life, you need to hear the Godly way to do this. Personal transformation includes our choice and God’s power. It is your partnership with God that He has already said that He will accomplish in you. It is simply a matter of letting Him proceed by faith in His perfection and desire to pursue your best. Our difficulty is continuing to accept that all events in our lives are from Him for our best. That requires faith in our PERFECT Father God.

When you hear and see how the words male and female are used in Hebrew, you get a clearer understanding of the need for God in marriage. God designed man and woman for a perfect complementary relationship.  He designed them in His image, which becomes even more interesting when you look at the Hebrew words for man and woman in Genesis.

In the previous episode, you heard my belief about the unifying theory of life. It is all about the image of God and involves...truth and loveseparate and belongingpowerful and relationalEach two-word combination is an excellent way to think about the Image of God. When you review both Old and New Testament scriptures, you will find the context typically supports those combinations of words. And this same concept is seen throughout life - in movies, religions, personality tests, and, obviously, in the design of men and women.

After her third divorce, Deborah was mad at life and men for at least 4 years. But, she did not realize how failure can lead to success. Utlimately, she decided to listen to God, who led her to the Hope for the Family seminar. Created by Dr. Marlin Howe, that seminar changed her life and blossomed into GR8 Relationships. So, God used her failure to lead her to His success for her.

Holidays are expected to bring joy and peace, but they often don't and you end up with "turkey and stressing"! Those times end up hurting relationships and not knowing what to do. Well, here are some guidelines to consider on how to have a difficult conversation which can lead to getting the relationship back on track. Unfortunately, most people will just let the tension remain rather than try to resolve it. Be different this year, do what God desires!

By the time Deborah was 28, she went through 3 divorces. But, being divorced 3 times is only part of the story. Deborah's complete story is a great example of God's healing and restoration. In fact, she is open and vulnerable about her former life. Now she ministers to others praising God for what He allowed into her life.

God does not like the proverb about sour grapes. "As I live," says the Lord GOD, "you shall no longer use this proverb in Israel." (Ezekiel 18:3) What is it about that proverb that God does not like?

Which is more important - self-governance or self-esteem? The emphasis of our education system and society is primarily on self-esteem. Subsequently, the population continues to increase its Narcissistic mindset. And, the investment is creating huge societal problems. It is time to reconsider the investment and look for something better like self-governance or self-control.

When families get together, all of the family history arrives. That can be good or bad. It is almost always difficult for those families when problems have not been resolved.

Self-control is critical for all of us. But consider this, those with the most self-control use it far less in emergencies. What makes them so different from the rest of us?

Multitudes of self-help gurus, psychologists, and educators promote loving yourself - loving "ME". Unfortunately, what's worse is Satan loves this teaching! So, what about you? Do you think loving yourself supports something that Satan absolutely loves and practices? Well, go look at Dr. Carle Zimmerman's research. He says that the self-love that self-help gurus promote is actually the key element that destroys civilizations. And, check out Willpower by Dr. Baumeister, especially chapter 9, which shows self-control as superior to self-esteem.

When will you start living the BEST life? You have the ability, but will you start? Starting is 50 percent of any action. The 8 steps of 2 Peter 1:5-7 are your responsibility, no one else. God provides everything for you and it is now your choice to start your transformation. What is your decision - live the BEST life or not?

The ABUNDANT LIFE that Jesus talks about (John 10:10) is the same as the Apostle Peter talks about in 2 Peter 1. It is the motive for us to pursue transformation into the image of Christ. When Peter says "For this very reason..." (2 Peter 1:5), he refers back to the previous 4 verses. He tells us what we have been given; a precious faith like the apostles, all things for life and godliness, exceedingly great and precious promises, partake in the divine nature, and escape from corruption in this world. We read that those priceless gifts are ours, but we don't change. The big reason we don't change is we believe the world's view of abundance, not God.

If you are a child of God and you are trying to find the abundant life you have heard people talk about - STOP LOOKING! You ALREADY have it!! "His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness..." (2 Peter 1:3). That is just like our PERFECT God - He does everything for us, yet we act and live as if He hasn't done anything for us.

So, slow yourself down and picture a life better than you have now. Make the picture as detailed as possible. Be honest with yourself about what you think is better. What do you see? What are you doing? What do you have? What are you thinking? How are you acting? Take your time to look at a vivid mental picture or video of your better life.

Leadership may not be that interesting to you right now, but remember, everyone leads in some area of their life. Since that is true, consider how to apply these promises to those leadership situations.

There is a POWERFUL (Separate) element, but the power is not from us, it is from God. He is the authority and He uses leaders as a channel of His authority. Just like God's power, leaders are to use power to free others, not control them. The power is used to serve others not be served. The RELATIONAL (Belonging) element of leadership is utilized when leaders rely on God's power, because that allows a leader to relate. You can be gentle and serving when you rely on God's power, but if you try to be powerful or show that you are in charge, that will prevent you from being gentle or serving. Worse yet, it tends to create a structure of rebellion in people towards you.

Leadership is not what you might think it is. Most people have the stereo-type of leaders needing to be "large and in charge". While some good leaders are that way, that is not what makes them good or even great (GR8!).

Yep, that's what I said. Your mind is geared for pictures more than words and, if you want to understand someone, really listen to them - turn their words into pictures. Yes, I understand that you still need to hear them, but the phrase "turn off the sound" gets you to focus more on what pictures you are seeing rather than trying to hear individual words.

Think about it, humility is the most underrated attribute, so it makes sense that humility would be tied to the most underrated skill. The formula for listening starts with a simple question, "Will I make this about them, and not about me?"

Good definitions make a big difference. When you read the definition of humility in a dictionary, it may help, but most likely not. So, let's use this simple 3 word definition - strength under control. That's often used to define "meek" and it's appropriate for "humble" also.

God allows us to participate in His divine nature (2 Peter 1:3) and He is not only good, He is PERFECT! Everything that He does has no spot or blemish - even those times where we are struggling with pain and wondering how this can be best for us.

I remember back in the 1960's and '70's how a number of Christian writers and thinkers were pushing Jesus' command of "love your neighbor as yourself". You might be thinking, "That's great", but actually it wasn't. They were promoting the incorrect thinking that you needed to love yourself before you could love others.

Ever wondered what marriage was like when Paul wrote the classic letter to the Ephesian believers? How did "wives, submit to your own husband" and "husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church" sound to the women and men in Ephesus?

You might say, “God does not provide details on every thought or action of my life in His Word, so how can I know if a thought or action is self-absorbed or not?”

It's one or the other! If you are sensitive at all to the Holy Spirit, you will know which. AND, my speculation is 95% or more of the time, thoughts about "ME" are self-absorbed. (That's based on personal experience and I admit that I am probably more self-absorbed and self-sufficient than you.)

What we DO NOT DO has a profound impact on what happens. Consider what each of the four primary characters DID and DIDN'T DO at the time of the original sin in Genesis 3:1-14.

The first three chapters of Genesis provide the foundation for relationships and marriage. The design of men and women, the foundation of their design, their purpose, their roles, their judgments and the contract of marriage are all given to us in those three chapters.