Jake Yapp presents: Not Today, Thank You

After Quite the Hiatus, I am back to tell you WHY I've been so quiet and also to tell you WHAT TO DO erm if that's ALRIGHT WITH YOU. Go to www.CornershopShowdown.com. NOW. Thank you xxx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today! Pistachios! Walnuts! And going nuts! Plus, the deeply contradictory nature of the English language.Oh, and here's how to make Muhammarah, courtesy of one of my absolute favourite youtube channels: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uX4TAbr6o5k Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Happy Easter! And 'alleluia' as Jacob Rees-Mogg likes to tweet, which feels so appropriate. Today: Home brewing! Tony Blair! Trump doing an impression of a guy called John Barron! Fine. Here's the article I mentioned in the podcast: https://www.lighthousereports.com/investigation/blair-and-the-billionaire/If you fancy supporting this sort of thing, head to patreon.com/jakeyappxx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today's Metro dissected, for no good reason, and a Pete Hegseth 90s pop rap, because it just absolutely feels like his jam. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which Eckhart Tolle sings the latest from his new album, 'By Eck', and we perhaps, finally deal with the Rat Situation, after, frankly, a lot of sh*t. Hello! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello! This week: By-election trollols, Andy n Mandy, and some STONKING observational comedy for you. I cannot get behind the word stonking. I am sorry. If you'd like to support me in the bizarre output I produce, I *think* there's a paypal QR code on this ep... Join us on Olvid! We're Having Fun. Email itsnottodaypod at gmail.com if you want to come and play.OK CALM DOWN OK BYE XXX Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I called this episode that because I think in all my staring-at-my-shoes waffle, I didn't actually mention the bloody URL. All a bit manic. How are you? You alright? Next week will be so much better. SO much. You don't even know. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sir Jim Ratcliffe feels like the UK has been colonised. NOT BY HIM. Meanwhile, my workroom has been colonised, by an Actual Rat. LOLS APLENTY. Plus an imaginary conversation with an LBC presenter, The Muppets Shawshank Redemption, and your latest Amol Rajan programme formats. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

And Daddy Mamdani can look after us now. Have a look at peertube.tv. It's Definitely The Future Yeah No Definitely Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

That title is total clickbait m8. Don't fall for it. But a v amusing story for you from Jon Holmes nonetheless. Here are some links which won't make sense until you listen...https://european-alternatives.eu/https://olvid.io/en/Let It Be: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUBjWobCOXX/?igsh=MWRoaW9kdjhtOWZqYou and I: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4HHNEK_ZOg&t=70sVoyager 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i11NQ5XKKREThere ok that's everything bye I need to paint my auntie's floor Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Always OVERPROMISE and UNDERDELIVER guys. Take it from me. Ok, look, thematically, I absolutely PROMISE I am thinking about how to move the pod on a bit. Really. Ok, look, I'll mention here that in this ep we talk about Sir Keir Starmer's distressing relationship with Trump, why we shouldn't fret too much about the US pulling out of climate accords, Muppet remakes, and billionaire nazi yachting gaffes. And I WON'T mention Amol Raj-oh bugger I've mentioned him. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Start spreading the news! Am's leaving Today! He didn't want to be a part of it. Also, cats, rats, and saturated fats. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

...And I think it might still be Peter Mandelson. Plus, Obsessive Money-Hoarder of the Week and Brian Perkins off of Radio 4 has an ass that just won't quit. Who would you least like to be married to and why? Email itsnottodaypod at gmail dot com xx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which we meet Elvis Herod, one of the (many) people behind the extraordinary podcast 'Listen Through The Brown Window'. Plus a fun new Radio 4 quiz show based on lying, so fresh, and some sound effects. Happy New Year! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Presenting! The debut of our Christmas song. Sung by Steph, with a choir formed of Jamesy, David Ault, David YAPP ACTUALLY and Stevie H and Martin, and arranged for piano and played by Harry the Piano, with a vocal arrangement by Joe Yapp YES ALRIGHT WE'RE THE MAFIA. Sensational job, everybody. Beautiful. We'll put it on youtube somewhere, or on @itsnottodaypod. Or both.Also! Musk glitches out, and a Dickens of a Christmas, with a heavy emphasis on oh nvm xxx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

How about you?But tbh most of the podcast is about Flat Pack Furniture and Christmas Trees and similar toothless observational comedy, gumming fruitlessly on the playpen bars of satire. I was thinking about Peter Mandelson, though, and I was thinking during the podcast how satisfying it would be, if ever I met him, to be able to say to him, 'you're a used condom, filled with dog shit'. That's pretty harsh, so I didn't say it in the podcast. But I keep coming back to it, because it's such a specific, and vivid, and revolting image, that it would stay with him, forever. He's been behind so many big, and grotesquely avaricious decisions taken on the taxpayers' behalf. But, really, don't take these episode notes as being representative of the podcast. It's quite jolly, really. Oh, and Flipping Eckhart Tolle is back xx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello! This is not a normal episode, but instructions and guide tracks for anyone who would like to sing on the podcast's Christmas song. It's going to be glorious - Harry the Piano has arranged it and played bassoonPIANO I MEANT TO SAY PIANO and my extraordinarily talented brother Joe has done a vocal arrangement which I have massacred on his behalf. Here is a folder containing the guide scores and the guide mp3 for each part, or you can listen to the podcast. Please can you send me your recordings by (and including) Dec 15th and I will assemble them into something.https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1EBu8qSJ7GTPQDUxI43dqQIuPWz_zHExn?usp=sharingALSO! If it's easier to split each line into two halves, part a and part b, so you don't have to memorise the whole thing in one go, DO THAT.Thank you for taking part! I am dead excited! xx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahhh, the Trainline. I love it, you love it, we could conjugate all night over that one. Some of your RFK poetry has been 'trickling in' *vomits everywhere* - thank you for that. I think. No progress on the singing front, but we may have an emergency episode before next week. Email itsnottodaypod at gmail dot com with any old gubbins. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which we '''''''''enjoy''''''''' some '''''''''poetry''''''''' . Welcoming all thoughts on the new email: itsnottodaypod at gmail dot com. Also a new choir idea thing, and assorted thoughts on AI, therapy, and The Very Hungry Caterpillar. There's thirty bleeps in this one. I'm my own worst enemy. Don't forget to join us on the socials - Julie is doing amazing work. @itsnottodaypod on Instagram. Ooh, and Tiktok, too, for the under-75s... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's... Lovely to be back! How are you? It's been er nearly two years, apparently. But it feels like the time is right. And even if it isn't, we're doing it anyway. In the pod I mentioned an interesting youtube video about Superman LOOK I WAS BORN IN 1973 THIS STUFF RESONATES. Here is that video:https://youtu.be/8_AYM_vmH1o?si=grTWl1iyyWFt0dLROh, just to warn you, there's LANGUAGE in this one. Email me ANYTHING AT ALL: jakeyappmusic at gmail dot com. HELLO xxx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which I finally actually figure out a format for the Unread Book Club... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

A post-festive catchup on stuff, and the launch of two new fun talking points. Also some music I've been doing lately and er. Well. There's no skirting round it. A Quick Chat - can we have a Quick Chat? - about Gregg Wallace... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today! Never heard before* Dora Dale from 2007! Movie trailers courtesy of listener Pat! Music with a Very Slow Crescendo! Berlusconi's Art! Also, can we have a quick show of hands... Are you a Fast Eater or a Slow Eater? Email jakeyappmusic at gmail dot com xxx*Apart from about 60% of the jokes which were repurposed, and not for the first time. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Srsly. The music. And definitely the jokes. What I WILL say, is that if you buy a bed, it should, like, actually function as a bed. You shouldn't have to go back and buy an extra bit, separately, without being told, without which the bed will not function as a bed. You don't go and buy a car, only to be told ohhh if you needed the chassis, that'll be an extra twenty quid. It feels like a shakedown. And another thing, ladies and gentlemen, what about them new ten pees?I made a video of the music part, which I'll put on my new musicky youtube at some point. If you want to stay in the loop on that, honk onto @jake.yapp.music on instabangs isn't it. Ok hugs x Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

...And that's a PITY. So do tell. The new email address is jakeyappmusic at gmail dot com. I don't know why I'm typing that address all CRYPTIC, like. I'd welcome spam at this point. Oh! I meant to tell you on the podcast, I did a really lovely radio show with Bibi Lynch, in front of an audience. If you want to listen, it's the second half of this: https://www.totallyradio.com/shows/bibi-does-brighton/episodes/bibi-does-brighton-05-oct-23 Anyway. DO get in touch. Any requests? I need a brief. x Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In the last of the series, Molly Elwood joins me to share the love, with some of the best food I have ever tasted. I'll be on jackfm.co.uk 9am-12pm every weekday from the 19th December, and LIVE on BBC Radio 4 Extra every weekday evening in January, 7-10pm for Jake Yapp's Unwinding. Stay in touch, and have a good festive season xxx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Some memories of one of the great innovators of radio comedy, Victor Lewis-Smith. Rest in peace, you brilliant bastard. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

That's all I'm saying. Chuck in all the firm veg you want - cabbage, carrot, maybe a little chilli, ginger, garlic, it's all optional - and add two per cent salt, by weight. At least. If you're nervous, go three per cent. And scrunch it in well and pack it tight into the jar. Leave it out of your fridge for a few days, depending on how warm your kitchen is, then move them to the fridge. And burp the jars. For god's sake. No-one needs cabbagey shrapnel. Anyway. We explored some mildly fraught stuff in the podcast today - that's on me - and I hope you're ok with it. Door's always open: [email protected] xx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sort of blew it. Oh well. Helluva run, guys. Helluva run. I'd tell you I love you, but it feels a bit manipulative, you know? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Did this episode not upload? It bloody didn't, did it? FFS. Well, there's no point crying about it now. Here it is. I'd say it's late, but we promised each other this'd be a no-strings thing, didn't we? I just feel very connected to you. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

BIG NEWS TO SHARE unless you heard today's AudioFreqs podcast, in which case erm carry on. Also, Mic Wright - go read him at brokenbottleboy.substack.com xx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Lots of music today! Here's a link to the article on key changes: https://tedium.co/2022/11/09/the-death-of-the-key-change/ And erm yes, if you fancy being a philanthropist and hem hem benefactor of The Arts hem hem (listen to the ep first) the paypal address is [email protected] hem hem how vulgar I never discuss money etc. xx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Good Monday to you. In today's show: Amol Rajan knocks it out of the park. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Featuring a motivational speech and more business about K*vin the C*rrot. MUST DASH OK LOVE YOU Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today! Hyper-local news, wonderful Champagne news (I really wasn't kidding when I said you literally cannot buy a pitchfork on Amazon) AND a new round of Celebrity Soup of the Day. I SWEAR to GOD I am going to make this game a cult hit. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today! Whatever day that may be! Burglar alarms, retro Christmas tat, and putting things inside other things lol animals idk. Right. Off I go. HUGS xxx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today! Mic Wright on Lord Lucan and AI bias. And some nice music. And bits and a rant about the Nanny State and such. Oh, I'll be doing some cooking in a bit on youtube.com/jakjeyapp if you fancy it. And have a rummage through Mic's magnificent back catalogue at brokenbottleboy.substack.com. Bon weekend! xxx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

All over the shop this week. I thought it was Monday. What on earth. ANYWAY. I have a stirring clip of SIR Gavin Williamson you may not have heard, plus more on Melon Musk, Hot Greys, and why everything's better in Italian. HAPPY WEDNESDAY TO YOU ffs Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today! The return of several old friends. Um a strongish word crops up pretty sharpish. Just FYI. And we look forward to the uncomplicated fun of the Qatar World Cup. Plus more Theme Park Ideas, Immersive Experiences, and your Favourite Celebrations. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Mic Wright Returns! He's a bit sweary. Just a heads up. Also! We play a new game and it Sort Of Works! Plus cheap theme parks and political tyrant pet novelties xx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

TODAY: More on the Blue Tick, Truss' legacy, the death of much-loathed technology and a NEW THEME PARK is opening and WOW, they spent nearly £200 on the movie franchise tie-in license! Back on Friday with Mic Wright, all being well x Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

CRUMBSI thought I'd have a go for a bit. No pressure. Are you still here? It's [email protected]. How have you been? What have I missed? I'll be doing two or three of these a week between now and Christmas, if you're up for it...? xx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Marking the day HRFH The Queen died. It might not be quite what you expect. Hope you're ok. xx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

HELLO FRIEND. Thought I'd say hi, what with the world ending and all that. Thinking of you. Hope you're doing ok. Have you tried Audio Freqs yet? It is where the podcast party's at nowadays, with me and Davey, and buckets of hot audio slop for your delight and disgust. Anyway. Say hello on social media - I've been missing you xxx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh HELLO THERE! Thought I'd update you with some of the stuff I've been getting up to since last we met. It includes some pretty new music, some seasonal Fanny Cradock, and a thoroughly-stuffed Jon Holmes. I'm off to finish my Jools Holland parody - a house-bound hootenanny for Radio 4 Extra on New Year's Eve BUT: I am hosting Comedy Club on Radio 4 Extra this week, starting tonight at 10pm. Come and listen! It's a GREAT WAY to floss. xxx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello! This is an unscheduled announcement about the podcast...xxx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Mic Wright stops by and obligingly lets me do jokes about dogs saying sausages. His newsletter is at brokenbottleboy.substack.com. And it is the podcast's second birthday! Amazing. I assumed I'd be dead by now. On Wednesday, I'll be releasing all the 'music' from the series on Spotify, iTunes, YouTube and Google and stuff, free to stream. There's already last year's album on there, if you haven't checked it out, plus all the music from the TV show The Hurting. Go play! xx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Mic Wright takes a sideways look at the sillier side of the papers (I really hope he reads this, but he almost certainly won't) and Jon Holmes turns my bowels to ice. Thanks, Jon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

COP26! Yeah! And Mic Wright with a particularly distressing illumination of Giles Coren's filthiest passage. You have been warned. Red his brilliant newsletter at brokenbottleboy.substack.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

LAUGHS GALORE as we discuss the appalling news of the week, and the appalling reaction to it in the press. Read Mic's (very funny) newsletter for free here: brokenbottleboy.substack.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.