Episodes
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Mikiatures 7 - Start Me Up
Start Me Up Mick pressed the dreaded button and braced himself. What delights would his beloved PC hold in store for him today? A prompt to install Service Pack 21? An invitation to upgrade to Media Player 49? A reminder that his yearly anti-virus subscription would expire in 11 months’ time? He...
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Mikiatures 50 - (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction
(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction Our guarantee to you: Here at Mikiatures.com we strive – or struggle, rather – to make your experience an enjoyable one; or, at the very least, a tolerable one. Each and every Mikiature is initially assessed according to five key criteria: readability, suitability,...
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Mikiatures 49 - Life On Mars
Life On Mars ‘OK, let’s warm up with some simple questions. What's your favourite month, Jon?’ ‘My favourite month?’ ‘Yes, your favourite month.’ ‘Owgost. Is easy!’ ‘Owgost?’ ‘Yes, Owgost.’ ‘When's Owgost, Jon?’ ‘When is Owgost?’ ‘Yes. When's Owgost?’ ‘After Julie.’ ‘Julie?’ ‘Yes, Julie.’ ‘And...
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Mikiatures 48 - Food For Thought
Food For Thought ‘Bread, butter, cheese . . .’ It was a depressing list. ‘Buns, biscuits, cakes . . .’ Then again, all of Mick’s lists were depressing these days. ‘Beer, brandy, chocolate . . .’ Why did all the good things in life begin with B or C? And, more to the point, why were all the “good...
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Mikiatures 47 - Taxman
Taxman ‘Hello?’ ‘Hello. Could I speak to your mother or father, please?’ ‘Did you want my mother or my father?’ ‘Either, please.’ ‘Well, they live in England. And they don’t speak Spanish. How good is your English?’ ‘Oh, er, I think—’ ‘Who did you want to talk to?’ ‘Er, Mr. Michael Crunch?’ ‘Yes,...
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Mikiatures 46 - You've Got A Friend
You’ve Got A Friend ‘It says here, “Brian and Sue are now friends”.’ ‘Did they have a bust-up?’ ‘Not to my knowledge.’ ‘So, what’s it to you?’ ‘Nothing. It’s just they’re not friends. They’re brother and sister.’ ‘Makes sense. Brothers and sisters are like that, you know.’ ‘I suppose you’re…
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Mikiatures 45 - Beaches Of Cheyenne
Beaches Of Cheyenne ‘There was this bloke, right? And he–’ ‘You can't start stories like that, Mummy.’ ‘Why not, dear?’ ‘All stories begin, "Once upon a time".’ ‘Bollocks they do.’ ‘What's "bollocks", Mummy?’ ‘Sorry, dear, I was talking to myself.’ ‘Do you often talk to yourself, Mummy?’ ‘All the...
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Mikiatures 44 - Da, Da, Da
Da, Da, Da Driving disastrously down Drizzly Descent during Denmark’s depression, Dreamy Dave deemed “dem d-words” decidedly demoralising: dum d-words -> damn, dank, dark, dearth, death, debt, den, die, dim, dirt, don’t, doom, dope, doubt, down, drab, dread, dregs, drink, drone, droop, drop…
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Mikiatures 43 - Roll With It
Roll With It ‘Can I take your umbrella, Daddy?’ ‘What happened to yours?’ ‘It’s wet.’ ‘That’s what umbrellas are for. Where are you going?’ ‘Out.’ ‘Yes, I guessed that. But where?’ ‘We don’t know yet.’ ‘And when will you be back?’ ‘About twelve.’ ‘Twelve? But you’ve got school tomorrow!’ ‘That’s...
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Mikiatures 42 - Gonna Make You An Offer You Can't Refuse
Gonna Make You An Offer You Can’t Refuse ‘Next, please?’ ‘Er, could I have a lettuce, please?’ ‘Red or green?’ ‘Haven’t you got any blue ones?’ ‘Blue? Sorry, mate, just red or green.’ ‘I’m just kidding. I’ve never heard of a red lettuce. Can I have a look, please?’ ‘Sure. Here you go. Beauty…
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Mikiatures 41 - Ice Cream Man
Ice Cream Man ‘So, what did you have for lunch, Dani?’ ‘A salad and chicken. And chips. And peas. And bread. And ket—’ ‘Yes, OK, very good, Dani. And did you have a dessert?’ ‘Yes. A yoga.’ ‘Yoghourt, Dani. With a T.’ ‘No, tea no. Coffee. With milk.’ ‘A white coffee, Dani. And what flavour was…
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Mikiatures 40 - Words
Words It all began on Facebook, of course, when a bored young lady challenged her fellow writing friends to come up with a story that was just six words long. Why six? Don’t shoot the messenger! As somebody who until that moment had never written a six-word sentence – let alone a six-word story...
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Mikiatures 39 - Here There And Everywhere
Here There And Everywhere There was only one thing that annoyed Mick more than drivers who didn't indicate: drivers who did indicate, but then didn't do what they indicated. As he chugged along behind the clapped-out Renault that had been threatening to turn right into the embankment for the past...
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Mikiatures 38 - The Ties That Bind
The Ties That Bind ‘One of my students said she’d never heard of “identifying relative clauses”.’ ‘Oh? Who was that?’ ‘You know, the one who’s going out with the butcher’s assistant.’ ‘You mean the bald bloke who works down at B and M?’ ‘Isn’t that the supermarket where you give classes, Mick?’...
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Mikiatures 37 - Nothing But The Same Old Story
Nothing But The Same Old Story ‘Once upon a time, there was a ham sandwich. One day he–’ ‘A ham sandwich, Daddy?’ ‘That's right, darling.’ ‘Not a princess?’ ‘No. I'm tired of stories about princesses. Aren't you?’ ‘No.’ ‘Well, anyway, one day the ham sandwich was walk–’ ‘What was his name?’ ‘What...
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Mikiatures 36 - Real Good Looking Boy
Real Good Looking Boy Mick switched the light on and stood in the doorway, looking at his beautiful little boy. Joe didn’t stir. He slept on; and, most likely, dreamed on, too. Whatever Joe was dreaming about, he was clearly enjoying his time in slumberland. “He’s a good-looking kid – doesn’t…
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Mikiatures 35 - Lumberjack Song
Lumberjack Song Diploma in English Language Teaching to Anyone, July 2011 Module One, Paper 1, Task 2 The painful truth is this: regardless of teacher, method, resources or techniques, a good student will always learn and a bad student never will. How do you cope with being a redundant piece of...
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Mikiatures 34 - What Have I Done To Deserve This?
What Have I Done To Deserve This? ‘Can I help you?’ ‘No, thanks. I'm just looking.’ ‘What are you looking for?’ ‘Oh, nothing in particular.’ ‘I see.’ ‘You don't mind my looking, do you?’ ‘Feel free.’ ‘Thank you.’ ‘The shirts and tops are here; the shorts and trousers are over there; and the…
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Mikiatures 33 - Bright Side Of The Road
Bright Side Of The Road ‘Excuse me? Which way to the university, please?’ ‘On foot or by car?’ ‘By car,’ said Mick, pulling on his handbrake. ‘Which university do you want?’ ‘There’s more than one?!’ Mick feigned surprise even though 25 years of living in the Basque Country had taught him that...
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Mikiatures 32 - Free Fallin'
Free Fallin’ ‘What day is it today, anyone?’ ‘Freeday.’ ‘Freeday, Vanesa?’ ‘Yes, Freeday.’ ‘If it's a free day, why are you here?’ ‘Sorry, sorry?’ ‘I said, If it's a free day, why are you here?’ ‘Because we class on Freeday, no?’ ‘FRIday, Vanesa, FRIday.’ ‘Ah, yes.’ ‘Can you say it?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘I’m...
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Mikiatures 31 - Go Your Own Way
Go Your Own Way ‘I’ve peeled the potatoes. Shall I put them in the oven?’ ‘What do you think? Do you notice a difference?’ ‘Yes, much better, darling. I said, Shall I put the potatoes in the oven?’ ‘We need to get more bleach. My back’s killing me.’ ‘I thought I could do some red peppers to go…
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Mikiatures 6 - Just Another Day
Just Another Day ‘What time do you get up, Pedro?’ ‘Six past ten.’ ‘Six past ten?’ ‘Yes, six past ten.’ ‘That’s a very exact time.’ ‘Yes.’ ‘So you skip breakfast, do you?’ ‘Sorry?’ ‘You skip breakfast. You don’t have breakfast.’ ‘Yes I have breakfast. Why not?’ ‘It’s rather late for breakfast,...
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Mikiatures 30 - Watching The Detectives
Watching The Detectives ‘So what d’ya reckon, Jenkins?’ ‘Looks stone cold dead to me, Sir.’ ‘Yes, I can see that, Jenkins. I meant, How did he die?’ ‘Well, if you ask me, Sir, I’d say he banged his head on the floor.’ ‘Brilliant, Jenkins. The pool of blood is a bit of a giveaway, isn’t it?’ ‘Yes…
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Mikiatures 29 - Lift You Up
Lift You Up In the year 3030 . . . ‘So, how do these things work, Stan?’ ‘Stand back and I’ll show you. What you do is lift your right foot up like this and put it down here. Got that? Now comes the best bit . . . Without moving your right foot, lift up your other foot – that’s the left one, Les…
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Mikiatures 28 - Precious Time
Precious Time ‘What are you reading?’ Go away! ‘What are you reading?’ asked Mick’s tormentor, thumping him on the shoulder. Fortunately, he had just put his coffee down. If one thing annoyed Mick, it was not being able to have his breakfast in peace. Just ten minutes a day to himself. Was that...
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Mikiatures 27 - You Know My Name (Look Up The Number)
You Know My Name (Look Up The Number) ‘OK, everyone, let’s check your homework.’ ‘Homework?’ ‘Yes, Juan, homework. Did you do it?’ ‘No. I forget.’ ‘Sorry, Juan, no points for honesty.’ ‘Eh?’ ‘Never mind, Juan. OK, what page was it, Ana?’ ‘Eh?’ ‘What page was the homework?’ ‘Hundred seventy-six,...
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Mikiatures 26 - Twist And Shout
Twist And Shout ‘Once upon a time, there was a really ugly princess who lived in a—’ ‘Don’t you mean beautiful princess, Mummy?’ ‘No, darling, this one was ugly.’ ‘In Daddy’s stories, the princesses are always beautiful.’ ‘Well, I’m not Daddy, am I?’ ‘Daddy is always calling me his little…
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Mikiatures 24 - Wasted Time
Wasted Time Twenty-two hundred hours. Twenty-one in the Canaries. Mick took a deep breath, said a short prayer and opened the kitchen door. Operation Garbage was underway. Phase One – “The Bin Liners” – was relatively straightforward: 1. Push rubbish down until bin liner straps become visible. 2....
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Mikiatures 23 - Are We In Trouble Now
Are We In Trouble Now Upon a time once there was a man poor who had thoughts ordering his problems. More often than not, matter this didn’t. “Eggs, bacon and sausages, please”, “Bacon, sausages and eggs, please”, “Sausages, eggs and bacon, please”, “Please! Where are sodding my bacon, eggs and...
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Mikiatures 22 - Everything I Do, I Do It For You
Everything I Do, I Do It For You ‘What's that bag doing in the hall?’ ‘Nothing, Daddy.’ ‘I mean, Why did you leave it there?’ ‘I had to leave it somewhere, Daddy.’ ‘Is it your gym bag?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘And are the clothes for washing?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘So why don't you put the clothes in the washing basket?’...
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Mikiatures 21 - A Friend To Me
A Friend To Me ‘Hey, listen to this, Fred. It says here, “Marjory has poked you”.’ ‘Oh yeah?’ ‘Yeah. And now it’s asking me, “Would you like to poke her back?” ’ ‘Poke her back? What’s wrong with her front?’ ‘You what?’ ‘Joke. Yeah, go for it. Er, who’s Marjory?’ ‘Oh, just a friend.’ ‘Where did…
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Mikiatures 20 - Don't Look Back In Anger
Don’t Look Back In Anger Some bastard had blocked him in again. Naturally, Mick only had himself to blame. When was he going to learn that you should never park in an empty parking space? After all, this was Spain, where double parking was a national pastime; triple parking, however, was…
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Mikiatures 19 - Ruby Tuesday
Ruby Tuesday ‘OK, let’s begin with some easy questions. Er, Maria? What day is it today?’ ‘Thuesday.’ ‘Thuesday?’ ‘Yes, Thuesday.’ ‘Do you mean Tuesday or Thursday, Maria?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Yes, what?’ ‘Yes, please?’ ‘Can anybody help Maria?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Go on then, Pablo.’ ‘What’s the question?’ ‘What day is...
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Mikiatures 18 - Listen To Me
Listen To Me ‘So, how would you like it?’ ‘Just a bit off the sides, please, but quite a lot off the t—’ ‘Good game last night.’ ‘Sorry?’ ‘Good game.’ ‘Was it? Er, just a bit—’ ‘Did you see the penalty?’ ‘No, I missed it.’ ‘So did Lampard. Ha!’ ‘Yes, very fun—’ ‘Do you know how much he earns?’...
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Mikiatures 17 - Whatever
Whatever Diploma in English Language Teaching to Anyone, July 2011 Module One, Paper 1, Task 1 “I wanna be eclectic.” (A. Cooper) Nine times out of ten, the teacher who claims to be “eclectic” is nothing more than a lazy sod who can’t be bothered to take an interest in the methodological issues...
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Mikiatures 16 - Welcome To The Machine
Welcome To The Machine Mick put the coin in the slot, made his choice – white, no sugar – and pressed the green button. The machine emitted a few optimistic whirring noises as it ground its imaginary coffee beans . . . and then ground to a halt. Mick pressed the button a second time . . . and a...
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Mikiatures 15 - Father And Son
Father And Son ‘Daddy, you have to give me ninety-seven euros.’ ‘I don't have to give you anything.’ ‘Yes, you do.’ ‘What for?’ ‘Sixty euros for the ticket, seven euros for—’ ‘What ticket?’ ‘For the concert. Social Distension. Don't you remember?’ ‘Are they any good?’ ‘Of course. All my friends…
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Mikiatures 14 - Sylvia's Mother
Sylvia’s Mother ‘Hello?’ ‘Hello. Is that Señora Avería?’ ‘Speaking.’ ‘Oh, hello, this is Mick Crunch from—’ ‘Nick! Silvia’s told me all about you.’ ‘Yes, I bet she has.’ ‘So, tell me, how’s she doing? Behaving, I hope?’ ‘Well, actually, that’s exactly what I—’ ‘We’re thinking of sending her to...
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Mikiatures 13 - A Dustland Fairytale
A Dustland Fairytale ‘Aren’t you going to tell me a story, Daddy?’ ‘OK, just a quick one. Where’s your book?’ ‘Can’t you make one up?’ ‘I thought you said my stories were rubbish?’ ‘Only the bad ones, Daddy. Once upon a time . . .’ ‘Yes, thank you, darling. Once upon a time, there was a beautiful...
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Mikiatures 12 - Me, Myself, I
Me, Myself, I Learning the English (with Miguel Iglesias) FOR ME no was dificult for to learning the english. Actualy is much people wich always is saying us we must to use the metod "comunicative" but you want that I tell how did I learn your lenguage? I explain all! I did have a big luck whith…
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Mikiatures 11 - Stuck On You
Stuck On You She’d been following him around all day, and it was getting beyond a joke. Mick had first noticed her in the bar as he had breakfast. Had she been on his tail all night? And, more to the point, why him? It wasn’t as if he had the most exciting of lives, spending as he did most of his...
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Mikiatures 10 - I Want It All
I Want It All It was an agonising decision. White coffee and croissant? Or red wine and tapa? The green tea didn’t stand a chance. Alas, Mick’s British upbringing hadn’t prepared him for choices like these; well, not at 11.30 in the morning. But this was sunny Spain, where anything was possible...
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Mikiatures 9 - Oh Darling
Oh Darling ‘This aftershave you got me doesn’t half sting!’ ‘Well, I think you smell very nice.’ ‘Sting.’ ‘You’ll live, don’t worry. You’re not going to wear that shirt, are you?’ ‘Why not?’ ‘It makes you look like a grandfather. Here, put this on.’ ‘But I—’ ‘And you’d better change those…
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Mikiatures 8 - Stop And Stare
Stop And Stare It wasn’t the easiest manoeuvre in the world, but he had started, so he would finish. After all, just how hard could it be to reverse his tiny little Toyota into that great big space? Mick wound his window down to get a better view of the kerb, only to be greeted by five pairs of...
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Mikiatures 5 - What's The Matter Here?
What’s The Matter Here? ‘Have you got a minute, Mick?’ ‘Yes, of course, Ana,’ Mick said, lying through his teeth. Basically, he divided people into two groups: those with time for anything – people like Ana – and those with time for nothing – people like you, me and Mick, right? Mick put down his...
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Mikiatures 4 - Make Me Smile
Make Me Smile Once upon a time there was a lovely girl called Isa. When Isa smiled, she was also a beautiful girl but, more importantly, everybody around her smiled too. In fact, it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that the entire happiness of the world depended on Isa’s smiling. Mick was...
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Mikiatures 3 - We Can Work It Out
We Can Work It Out ‘Er, Menu A, please. I’ll have the spring roll, special fried rice and sweet ’n’ sour pork.’ Except Mick ordered in Spanish, of course, because the menu was in Spanish. ‘Gracias.’ This particular restaurant was nearly always empty, and he had never understood how they could…
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Mikiatures 2 - This Is How It Always Starts
This Is How It Always Starts ‘Just write down the first thing that comes into your head.’ ‘Like what?’ ‘Well, like that, for example.’ ‘What? “Like what?” ’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘Not exactly Shakespeare, is it, Reggie?’ ‘What do you want to write like Shakespeare for?’ ‘I don’t. I want to write like David...
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Mikiatures 1 - The Masterplan
The Masterplan It was a perfect plan; it couldn’t fail: a) He would write non-stop, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, plus b) Everything he posted would take a well-known song for its title, so c) Sooner or later, 10% of all internet users would stumble across mikiatures.com ABC. A...