Racing Minds

Richard and Judy's marriage gets off to a difficult start when they honeymoon separately on different continents, while casino moguls Freshwave and Clyde want to take the phrase 'the House always wins' to its most all-consuming logical conclusion. Can love triumph over Richard's indecision, the villains' greed for victory and New Zealand's antiquated laws?

⚠️ META EPISODE ALERT ⚠️ The entirely appropriately named Tess Tickle and loose-trousered Captain Cockburn rummage around a Hawaiian shipwreck; while audience member (and daughter of a figure-skating legend) Laurie revels in her newfound powers of suggestion.

Mediocre young remainiac remoaner Jason Tepid finds himself imprisoned in Western Australia back in 2017 under a new British-Australian treaty, whilst over in Europe Geert Wilders is gearing up for that year's Dutch election. Some now dated and some still surprisingly relevant references to Brexit and all that ensue as Jason's quest to escape punishment and Wilders' lust for power are on a collision course...

Dr Spotless Dirt has been sent to the Planet of the Buttocks by NASA to find a remedy to save mankind's own backsides from extinction. But it soon becomes clear that this is only one small part of a much bigger threat facing the world, with its roots in biblical times. Let's just say our abnormally puerile audience really outdid themselves with the suggestions this time around...

Ace Iberian archaeologist Nikita might have nabbed a priceless magic carpet from a cavern, but now that the population of London is turning subterranean in pursuit of cheaper property prices, she may be the only one who can save humanity from the darkness. A thrilling tale, replete with excavated guacamole, lukewarm samosas, and precioussss things in the deep.

Arnold is a bullish American envoy in the South China Sea, at odds with the audibly Japanese submarine crew, and generally cuckolded by his wife back home. He may well have to mutiny and take control of the ship, if there’s to be any hope of stopping Australian PM (at the time) Malcolm Turnbull from starting a reckless unchecked war. A thrilling tale replete with accent troubles, naked beds and a lot of dodgy territory just about skirted!

Our tale follows Derek van Beeken and Robert De Nrio, two men fighting for their jobs in very different ways, one oppressed by the draconian employment laws of his country, the other by echoes of the past and his own hubris. But which will make the better fist of it?

Something terrible lurks in the dark dark woods (although it isn't punctuation) but that won't stop Moggy fulfilling his promise to a mysterious young woman. However, the rest of the world just got a little darker when a certain pop princess forgot to check whether she had all her personal belongings with her before alighting from the train.

Conflicting feelings butt heads in The Hamlet of Emotions, as Love and Hate battle for the hand of the only outsider, Tracey. Meanwhile, prosecutors bring a bit of Broadway razzle-dazzle to the oddly ecclesiastical courtrooms of the American South; as judges bow to style over substance, will Love conquer all?

When sisters Kandi, Candy and Quandee learn that only one of them has been included in their late father’s will, all sher-bets are off. In Britain, Jeremy Corbyn seems out some Prime Ministerial fancy pants, to give him a much needed dose of panache. WARNING! Contains Crotch Goblins!

Foley: Patrick Hercamp Name: Louis Moo Secret: Antique chess set fetish Location: Public bathroom/fish market in Berlin Sponsor: Henry

Foley: Duncan Turner Name: Sir Snowbaz Pynch Secret: He was afraid of Chickens Location: The Peak of Mt. Lofty Sponsor: Pie Floater

Sebastian has found new employment in a rather suspicious gothic castle, whilst some red-blooded American patriots go all out to stop the vampire threat. Featuring special guest foley artist Thomas Ford. Title: Childless in America Main Character: Sebastian Fearnley Strange Secret: He Ate His Sister's Hamster Featured Location: Servant's Quarters of a Romanian Castle Sponsored by: Alcohol (all)

Beverley has a tough life working the looms, but will her dreams of a better future be scuppered by devious balloonist Richard Branson? Featuring special guest foley artist Claire Ford. Title: Balloons Popping In Trees Main Character: Beverley the Great Strange Secret: Has a Toupee Featured Location: Yarn-factory in Chad Sponsored by: Australian Lamb

Ex-pat Scot Malcolm just wants to be an opera star, but ghostly goings on are causing chaos in the theatre. Soon the US Intelligence Services are involved, and so are Coldplay, obviously. Featuring special guest foley artist Bobbi Sox. Title: Bananas Are Yellow
 Main Character: Malcolm The Brave
 Strange Secret: He’s A Duck In A Man Suit
 Featured Location: In An Opera Theatre In Mexico
 Sponsored by: Rabies

Jimmy is a zeppelin crew-member with a haunted past, but downtime in the Black Forest sees him embroiled in a grisly plot. Can he stop Hansel & Gretel’s overzealous witch hunt from getting out of hand? Featuring special guest foley artist Ruby Slippers. Title: The Boy in the Lolly Fort Main Character: Jimmy McDonald Strange Secret: He is the Ghost of a Gold Digger Featured Location: In the Hindenburg Sponsored by: Barnaby Joyce

Killbob’s deadly life-long titular mission leads him to Paris, but some dubious doctors are out to hobble the fire services to provide more interesting patients. Society’s on a greasy pole, and no mistake, and only our murderously-monikered antihero can put out the blaze! Featuring special guest foley artist Ellie Squire. Title: It Is Main Character: Killbob Strange Secret: Is a Hermaphrodite Featured Location: The Eiffle (sic) Tower Sponsored by: Cunard Liners

Plumber Jefferey (sic) gets sea(sick) trying to stop pubs and bars taking to the oceans in a bid to stay open longer, as a new Cold War threatens to break out in this watery adventure. Featuring special guest foley artist Amberley Cull. For this show, the audience suggestions were... Title: The Curious Incident of the Pub Main Character: Jefferey Strange Secret: Sleeps with Sailors Featured Location: A Submarine Sponsored by: KFC & McDonald's

Hapless petty criminal Bailey cuts a deal with the coppers, and goes deep under cover. All the beards are being stolen from priceless artworks. But why? It's a race against time, and to top it all off, our reluctant hero's wearing paper clothes. Featuring special guest foley artist Alice Winn. Title: Beards From Faces! Main Character: Bailey Strange Secret: He's From Beta Centauri Featured Location: Shona's Kitchen Sponsored by: Meow Mix

The Rat Pack are back, with their (old blue) eye on ensuring New York, New York is the only place named twice. Meanwhile nominatively determined Wolfgang is finding that, sure enough, everybody loves somebody, in the sleepy Australian town of Toodyay. Inevitably, there’s stormy weather on the horizon though, as Frank and co roll into the twofold-titled township with destructive intent. Featuring special guest foley artist Alice Winn. Title: The Revenge of the Rat Pack Main Character: Wolfgang Strange Secret: Has a Second Head Featured Location: In A Pub in Toodyay, Australia Sponsored by: Medicinal Tooth Powder

Ragged red-blooded gladiator Maximus gets embroiled in a bullish scheme to spread blood sports across the globe. Will he wave the red handkerchief and seal the fate of the world's bulls, or will he get his glad rags on and win back his love? Featuring special guest foley artist Clara Cupcakes. Title: Red Handkerchief Blues Main Character: Maximus Ludicorus Strange Secret: The sight of a ferret made him do The Macarena Featured Location: In A Kitchen in Mooney Ponds (probably Australia) Sponsored by: Ladies Shoe Emporium

Novice climber Ken is on a dangerous route to the icy tip-top of the world's third-highest peak, whilst many-vice climate-keen monks put the whole world in danger with an iceberg-tipping plot. Is the fate of the earth sealed? Featuring special guest foley artist Josh Earl. Title: The Tip of the Iceberg Character: Ken Strange Secret: He finds snails erotic Featured Location: A Cave in a Buddhist Monastery Sponsor: The World of Cogs

Epithetic deity The Messiah is a prolific French artist. Can perfumed paintings help him to live up to his billing before Rupert Murdoch's devious plot to monopolise all forms of information plunges the world into darkness? Find out before the lawsuits ensue! Featuring special guest foley artist Clara Cupcakes. Title: Stop IT! Character: The Messiah Strange Secret: He’s an avid cuckold Featured Location: Perfumery in Paris Sponsor: Brown’s Beers

Retired detective Uriah investigates a string of increasingly 'orrible crimes that lead him right to the heart of London's underworld (and a saucy French dame) in this soot-smothered slice of devious Victoriana. Featuring special guest foley artist Brianna Williams. Title: The Shimmyshank of the Chimney Sweep Character: Uriah Creep Strange Secret: A Phobia of Stickers Featured Location: in Afghanistan, on Top of a Camel Sponsor: Milquetoast Crunch

Captain Albatross takes to the ocean with a threadbare crew, whilst God himself can’t bear losing the thread of his omniscience. It’s sort of Pirates of the Caribbean meets The Bible (and Matt Groeing is probably instigating legal proceedings) in this timber-shivering adventure! Featuring special guest foley artist Alexis Dubus. Title: God Only Knows What to Expect Main character: Captain Albatross Strange secret: Afraid of skunks Featured Location: The couch at home Sponsor: Blackbeard’s eyepatches

Unadorned grouch Sans moves to a mouthful of a sleepy village (and make sure you are asleep), where he's the only one who can stop inter-dimensional (and general) confusion as fiery fantasy becomes terrifying reality. Featuring special guest foley artist Ruby Slippers. Title: Judy’s Left Sock Main Character: Sans Serif Strange Secret: Couldn’t Tell The Tim Featured Location: The Tower of Mordor Sponsor: That Company That Isn’t Facebook But Wants To Be

Dogged Negus is on a romantic weekend for one, but his temporary Bavarian hotel bliss is interrupted by a police investigation and temporal tinkerings ignited by an ignored poet. Switzerland will never be the same again. Featuring special guest foley artist Strangely - www.strangelyandfriends.com Title: I Hope This Isn’t A Waste of Time Main Character: Negus Strange Secret: Crippling Self Esteem Issues Featured Location: Schoenbach Falls Sponsored by: Blumenthal’s Medical Grommets Episode photograph by Kim Anderson.

In this whiskey-soaked Southern parable, hapless Englebert is mistaken for his famous namesake, but life as a big-shot recording artist isn’t all it’s cracked up to be – particularly when a knuckle-cracking blues veteran might well be a rheum with a view to stealing his soul (to swap for soul on the steel-string). Also, a father is the devil’s son, and the band seriously need to see a doctor in this (Bohemian) Rhapsody in blues! Featuring special guest foley artist Famous Sharron – www.famoussharron.com/ Title: Rheumy Blues Main Character: Englebert Humperdinck Strange Secret: The Queen’s lovechild Featured Location: The Jungle Gym Sponsored by: Crunchy Hairspray Episode photograph by Kim Anderson.

Lady Bottomley's morning mourning is interrupted as she finds herself knee-deep in gold-digging birthday-suited suitors. To make matters worse the butler hasn't spotted the squatters, and there's something very valuable hidden in the manor - if only anyone could find it. Plus society might just be falling apart. Featuring special guest foley artist Will Pickvance - http://www.willpickvance.com Title: Champagne In A Trashcan Main Character: Lady Bottomley Strange Secret: She is terrified of curtains Featured Location: A nudist beach in Bournemouth Sponsored by: Yorkshire puddings Episode photograph by Kim Anderson.

Iberian hack Juan is the only man standing in the way of an (eventually) evil misogynist plot cooked up by those cads the Swiss. Full-on pan-European disaster beckons, and on top of it all it's a really bad time to be called Cole. Title: Turning The Knife Main Character: Juan Strange Secret: He's allergic to dust Featured Location: The rooftops of Paris Sponsored by: Trampolines

Whisky-distiller Franca can't choose between the two men in her life, but an unlikely trip to Mars might just make her (omnipresent?) mind up. Oh, and there's also an EXTREMELY annoying character called Mitchum. Title: What Goes On When The Lights Come Back On Main Character: Franca Strange Secret: She's not a human Featured Location: A crater on Mars Sponsored by: The shameless plugging of sausages

Can pious Montgomery save gap year slackers from a fridge-dwelling mouldy monster? Exorcisms, church fairs and questionable breakfast choices abound in this spine-tingling chiller! Title: The Horror of the Refrigerator Main Character: Montgomery Strange Secret: He's a horse Featured Location: An elephant training camp in Thailand Sponsored by: Hair Removal Cream

London's burning and only slippery pyrophobe Ernest can save the day. Sexy calendars, Samuel Pepys and handcuffs all feature in this smoke-choked thriller. Title: The Bearded Man Inside the Cabin Main Character: Ernest Strange Secret: He is a time-travelling magician Featured Location: Tower Bridge, London Sponsored by: Whisky

The BBC kindly (and unwisely) let us have a bash at the airwaves, unleashing our improvised mayhem on a live audience at the Edinburgh Festival. 'Britain Tonight' was the result. Enjoy.

An Antipodean plot fosters Welsh discomfort. Train-driver (and de facto president) Jacob is the only one who can save the day, and the woman he (and his boss) loves. To top it all off, it's his birthday, and EVERYBODY'S drunk. Title: Be Mine (Beer) Main Character: Jacob Strange Secret: He has three legs Featured Location: A mine in South Wales Sponsored by: Soap

Flatulent flame-belcher Joseph attracts the crowds to his animal-unfriendly touring circus, but not all the audience have his (or West Africa's) best interests in mind. Jellyfish pools! Melting Jethro Tull records! Men without beards! It's an African adventure like no other! Title: Farting Fire! Main Character: Joseph Strange Secret: He can't swim Featured Location: A scuba diving shop in Niger Sponsored by: Shaving foam

Subterranean guide Jacob has the homesick blues, but a trail of grape-based destruction across the Outback could lead him to answers about his mother's demise, and perhaps the devil himself. Plus everyone in Australia is part horse. Did we mention that? Title: This Time The Red Wine Is No Excuse Main Character: Jacob Strange Secret: He has lost his skis Featured Location: A pig-farm in Tasmania Sponsored by: Cat food

Abraham is a Potter with artistic pretensions, but a pretentious (former) artist is striving to make it all go to pot. It's the fairytale of the frog prince as you've never heard it before - with Hackneyed puns galore! Title: The Mystical Frog that Fell Down a Well Main Character: Abraham Potter Strange Secret: He has an echo Featured Location: Hospital in Hackney Sponsored by: Chocolate

Corpulent gender-secretive state-hopper Francis (or is it Frances?) is caught up in a devilish plot cooked-up by a certain decadent celluloid pair. Will Vegas be reduced to a graveyard thanks to a killer new show, or can our plucky hero(ine?) avoid being guilty of journalistic accessory to murder? Cretans in hotels, phone-box roulette and hacks in a pen - it's an audio experience to die for in this third episode of series two of The Wireless Podcast! Title: An Evening With Taylors Main Character: Francis/Frances Strange Secret: He/She is an Amnesiac Featured Location: A Casino in Las Vegas Sponsored by: Teapots

Can ambassadorial assistant Jemima restore the English tongue to its proper form before all hell (and her drunken charge's trousers) breaks loose in Uganda? Big game hunting, Welsh children abroad, saucy carpets, and British pride put to the test - it's all here as lagnauge gtes dsirputed in the dazzling second episode of the second series of The Wireless Podcast! Title: The Fact Dictionary Main Character: Jemima Strange Secret: Cannot Turn Left Featured Location: Brewery Cellar in Uganda Sponsored By: Laxatives

It's the brand new series of the Wireless Podcast, kicking off with a horsey tale that plumbs new depths of mystery and adventure. Benjamin's bride heads to finishing school, and seems a changed filly upon her return. Can the day be saved before a Balkan misdemeanour catches up with our rather wet hero? Title: The Invaders of the Brackfield Plumbing Company Main Character: Benjamin Strange Secret: Can choose to be invisible Featured Location: Cheltenham Ladies College Sponsored by: False Beer

Bald bride-to-be-to-be Catherine is cast out by plush-furnishing fancier and follicle-filching patriarch Mr Burston; dashing suitor Phil Ormskirk and personal caddy Throttleneck attempt to reconcile love for Catherine and respect for her father; and the mysterious, swarthy stranger Raoul takes to the skies in this, our eighteenth thrilling tale, of piracy, indentured police officers and chatty hardwood. Title: Phil Walks Down the Street Main Character: Catherine Strange Secret: Her Mother Was a Giant Squid Climactic Final Location: A Newsagent in Birmingham Sponsored by: Cigarettes

Fatherless young Gerald just wants to be boring with the pretty Prunella, but a Peruvian plot by child-catching Barty and Jeremiah puts all his plans in danger. From an Oxford furniture shop, via the hold of an ocean liner, to the lost city of Machu Picchu, will anyone save our globe-trotting heroes from a certain closet-villain, who takes the notion of the author as God dangerously literally? Title: The Back of the Wardrobe Main Character: Gerald Strange Secret: He steals lepers’ loafers Climactic Final Location: Machu Picchu Sponsored by: Honky-tonk Karaoke

Nobel Prize winner-training teacher Geraldo Jimenez must defend St Cuthbert’s School from Grimsby Council’s plans to bulldoze it; town planner Jethro Jelroy and wife grapple with problems of the heart and the hound; while the Jelroy’s son and star pupil Concertine flees into the woods, and a certain soul legend has Grimsby on the mind, in the Wireless Podcast! Title: My Spaniel, Rachel Main Character: Geraldo Strange Secret: He has the heart of a robot Climactic Final Location: The frozen goods aisle in Tesco in Grimsby Sponsored by: Mr Tickle Soft Toys

Bumbling, big-hearted policeman George receives a tip-off from the unfortunate Mr Ethelred about nefarious goings on in the box-packing factory; gruff, aspiring crimelord Albert Burninger and adolescent accomplice Jonathan discusses the finer points of mixing cocoa; while Sebastian Hough (or is it Hough?) makes an unlikely guinea pig in our eleventh episode, stuffed to the ribs with superfluous tracheotomies, dead dogs and Bevry! Title: ‘The Clockwork Kiwi Fruit Main Character: George Strange Secret: He loves to knit Climactic Final Location: A Fishmarket in Grimsby Sponsored by: Chopsticks

Rhinorrhea-plagued Alejandro Borges De Nada spends the episode encamped in the cab of his truck while lover Piedad wants him to be more honest about the deeds he performs for Mr Pollock; loathsome liquor-leavener Thom Thompson and wife Denise train up threatening beer-exporters; and Education Secretary Sir Humphrey Winkledink suggests improvements for The Bible 2.0, in our tenth, alcohol-suffused podcast! Title: ‘The Smell of the Brewery’ Main Character: Alejandro Strange Secret: He Walks Backwards Climactic Final Location: The Sahara Desert Sponsored by: Beer

Groom-to-be Adam can’t see past fiancé Genevieve’s Italian ice cream dalliances; Sarah commands Martin to carry out even more extreme engastration than her sister’s Turducken; and Benny the Boy Detective attempts to halt the animal thievery in our ninth rollicking podcast! Title: ‘The Zookeeper’s Son’ Main Character: Adam Strange Secret: He’s Allergic to the Colour Blue Climactic Final Location: The Mars Factory in Slough Sponsored by: Animal Shampoo

Louvre security guard Wilbur has his sights set on curatorship and the hand of the ravissante Cecily, but first, Monsieur Beaujolais needs him to investigate a curious case of materialising art. A shadowy but efficient Dutch Master; a particularly persistent canard; and fourth dimensional exploits in the name of civil engineering all make an impression, while the audience’s childish response to French affirmatives threaten to disrupt the play’s mise-en-Seine. Title: The River That Ran Fast Main Character: Wilbur Strange Secret: He is Dead Climactic Final Location: A Café in Paris Sponsored by: Time Travelling Biscuits

Struggling ex-pat actor Timothy goes undercover to prepare for his next role as a mobster, but San Francisco’s Irish kingpins have secret plans of their own. Only his morbid wife Miriam and a string of Hollywood stars will be able to help, as our hero finds himself stuck between a hard place and The Rock. Title: Bicycling In Ireland Main Character: Timothy Strange Secret: He collects monkeys Climactic Final Location: Alcatraz Sponsored by: Cuddly toys

Chronically inept spy Thomas investigates the secretion of unknown weaponry into music cases at the request of Mr Venables; criminal mastermind Rupert sends hydrophilic angoraphile Phyllis to meet a cockney; and the audience’s pre-recording obsession with the number of swimming pools in Senegal (answers here) leads to some inscrutable moments. Title: I’m Sorry Guv’nor Main Character: Thomas Strange Secret: He glows in the dark Climactic Final Location: A music shop in Senegal Sponsored by: Shoe soles