Save Your Sanity - Help for Toxic Relationships
by Dr. Rhoberta Shaler
The Save Your Sanity podcast offers episodes filled with the expert insights, validation, strategies, and support you need to recognize, manage, and recover from relationships with the relentlessly difficult, toxic--and often disturbing--people that host Dr. Rhoberta Shaler calls Hijackals®. She offers invaluable help to stop the second-guessing, undermining, and crazy-making traits, patterns, and cycles you have encountered in relationships with folks like those. Understand the ways, whys, and hows that verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and spiritual abuse affect you over time. Whether the Hijackal is a partner, parent, ex, or colleague, what you will learn here will strengthen and empower you to step up, speak up, and stand up for yourself in healthy, assertive ways. Many Hijackals have behaviors that are considered the same as those who are diagnosed as narcissists, bor
Episodes
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Be Positively Selfish
This audio was recorded in 2006, long before Hijackals became Dr. Shaler's focus. Rethinking Selfishness: "What if I told you that I now value selfishness? Would that be shocking? Not only do I value it, but I encourage others to value it and practice it." In this first of our upcoming Legacy...
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DRAMA-DUMPING: The #1 Thing NOT TO DO When Meeting a Person for the First Time
Whether you're looking for a new friend or a potential new relationship, you don't want to be trauma dumping. When you let your whole story fly, someone else is likely to get crushed by it. Out of the gate, with someone new, it's smart to establish a relationship dynamic based on balance, mutual...
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Expecting Emotional Maturity from a Narcissist? Don't Hold Your Breath!!!
SOOO frustrating! You hoped for a partner, parent, sibling, or adult child with whom you could communicate, collaborate, and co-operate, but no. You live most of the time with q tiresome toddler or miserable middle schooler, right? Learn more about recognizing the patterns and altering your...
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Narcissists Make OUTRAGEOUS ASKS. Learn to say NO,
Narcissists ask for too much...and they expect to get it. It's essential to hear that a question is outrageous so you can respond differently. If you've been with a Hijackal for too long, you may have stopped hearing their questions as outrageous; This episode will sharpen your listening skills…
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Standing Up to Narcissistic Intimidation -Here's How!
Being with a narcissistic person is scary, right? You are usually wrong...even when you're right!. You never know what mood they'll be in. They lie, gaslight, rage, and fall silent. They are intimidating! They keep you on edge! What can you do to reduce the intimidation? Listen to this episode....
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How Being the Golden Child In the Family Hurts You
Can't do anything wrong? Get away with nonsense? Get extra goodies? Attention? Time? Might sound good but it can get old fast and leave you with very poor self-esteem and a lack of identity. Have a sibling who is the Golden Child? You envied them and now you se them differently? VERY IMPORTANT...
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It's Smart to Stop Trying to Please a Narcissist
Narcissists love it when you run after their approval. You hope to explain yourself and be heard; they hope to explain you away. In this episode are five iron-clad reasons to not even try to please a Hijackal - save your energy, save your time, save your self-esteem. Listen in. HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS...
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STOP OVERSHARING. It's dangerous.
You want someone--at least one someone--to hear you, see you, believe you. So you share. Sadly, that often turns into oversharing, leaving you a little red-faced. if you fully embarrassed a little later, right? "Why did I do that?" There are good reasons you overshare. Don't beat yourself up for...
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5 Must-Do's to Save Your Sanity from a Narcissist
Steps to emotional freedom require knowing where the path starts. These five "must-do's" are fundamental to saving your sanity, self-esteem, and self-confidence. When you're in a toxic relationship with a narcissistic Hijackal, it's even MORE critlcal. Know the importance of each of these and how...
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How to Avoid Falling in to Reactive Abuse Trap
Oh, how Hijackals love to poke, prod, and provoke you into losing it and reacting, right? And then they like to wind you up further so you'll yell, blame, complain, and meltdown. Crazy-making? Yes, INTENTIONALLY CRAZY-MAKING! Learn ways to not go there, to not react, to not behave like the...
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5 Good Things Narcissists PROMISE...but NEVER DELIVER!!!
Narcissistic Hijackals know what you want. Yet, they withhold giving it to you. They know what you need. Yet, they refuse to fulfill it. They know how to make you happy, but prefer disappointing you. Think deeply about these five "would be good" things narcissists promise but fail to…
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NEVER TRUST A NARCISSIST
You want to be able to trust a person, right? It's natural. It's healthy. Yet, you cannot trust narcissists or any variation of Hijackal. And, I know you want to. In this episode, hear the many ways you CANNOT trust them, even when you want to. Hear ways you convince yourself you can believe…
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10 Ways You Can Get Used to Being Emotionally Abused
Little by little, nasty, bitter, unfair things start becoming part of the day-to-day with a narcissist. Those Hijackals are relentless in wearing you down and getting their way, right? You might pass it off as another "little thing to avoid" to reduce the abuse. WHAT? You're doing things to…
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27 Sneaky, Nasty Ways Narcissists Try to Rule the Roost
Some Hijackals are subtle, some are sneaky. All are to keep your relationship in chaos, preferably with you giving in to their whims, demands, and expectations. Most of all, they want to be in charge and in control of all the things. Be informed. See them for what and who they are. They are…
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Don't Let A Hijackal Harden Your Heart. Harden Your Attitude Towards Them.
When you're on guard every minute, hypervigilant about the next accusation, you might think I'm suggesting something impossible...maybe even crazy. I'm not. It's important to recognize that you can stay in charge of yourself, no matter what kind of crazy-making the Hijackal or narcissist engages...
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Stop Being "Too Nice!" It encourages Hijackals.
You may think that it's impossible to be "too nice." It's not. It actually can make things worse...and that's just what it does when you're in a relationship with a narcissistic Hijackal. You do all the giving and then, more is expected, right? Not working! Listen in to recognize the ways being...
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How Crazy-Making Hijackals Use PLAUSIBILITY to Suck You In
Most people want to believe the stories of others. You want to be able to trust, right? So, you're inclined to be sucked in by plausible stories, excuses, reasons, etc.. Also, you don't want the hassle of their endless denials and turning things on you. Learn how plausibility is the key to…
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Top 12 Traits That Scream Hijackal!!! Don't Be in Denial.
You're a good person. You want to see the best in folks. You are right ready to help someone excuse their poor behavior, and be understanding. Hijackals count on that! They treat you poorly to see how much you'll put up with. It's often not long into the relationship before they're taking up all...
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Narcissists ARE Aggressive. Don't Poke a Hijackal on Purpose
Narcissists and other Hijackals are infuriating, frustrating, and crazy-making. You reach the end of your tether and you want to tell them everything that's wrong with them and more. You've likely noticed that nothing good happens when you accuse them of being narcissistic,, point out their…
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Stop Kidding Yourself. Narcissists Behave Badly & Get Worse!!!
You want to believe that love can change people, right? So, you give, give, and give in yet nothing really gets better beyond a half minute. You decide to give more until there is little left of you. Nothing changes...except for getting worse. That's because their decision to change has nothing…
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How Having a Narcissistic Mother Messes with You Long-term
Male and female children are differently treated--and affected--by having a narcissistic mother. SO many things you may never have thought much about! This episode will help you think in different ways about the long-term effects that having a Hijackal mother could have had on your sense of self,...
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TOXIC SHAME - Why Narcissists NEED You to Feel WORTHLESS
Unless they want something badly, narcissists want you to be in emotional chaos. In fact, they want you to feel less than and inadequate. Back-handed and blindsiding, they do their best to keep you off center and uncertain. Learn about toxic shame and how it may be playing out in your inner...
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Is THIS Narcissistic? Q&A with Dr. Rhoberta Shaler
New! Your questions are the focus for this episode. Narcissistic or not so much? What are you wondering about? Recognizing the patterns, traits and cycles that ARE narcissistic is wise...AND so is discerning what is NOT narcissistic. Ask your questions in the chat and I'll answer them as clearly…
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Triangulation is Manipulation
TRIANGULATION. See It. Say No, Step Away,. Understanding what triangulation really is allows you to see it more clearly and step away more readily. Get the inside scoop on this in your life. Once you see it, you can do something about it. You'll feel SO much better when you do. HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS...
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Saying "NO" to a Narcissist & Making It STICK!
Narcissists HATE to hear "NO!" You don't want to be a pretzel or a doormat, so you NEED to say NO when you mean it. Overtime, a Hijackal® may wear you down and try to get what they want by any means. How do you make NO mean NO...and make it stick? You already know how little a Hijackal® wants to…
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How Narcissists Create SITUATIONSHIPS NOT RELATIONSHIPS
It's all rosy, dreamy, and forever in the beginning...until it's not! You try and try to recapture interest, regain emotional intimacy, and re-examine every inch of your mental, physical, emotional self, and still the connection is intermittent. That's because narcissists--all Hijackals--create...
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Have a NARCISSISTIC ADULT CHILD? 21 Things NOT to Do
Having a Hijackal adult child is confusing, infuriating, disappointing, and frustrating among many other things. (And, it's worse when your child creates children!) What you DON'T do is as important as what you do. Listen to this episode to hear 21 things to think about right away. If you can...
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Narcissists ARE Revenge-Seekers
You may not think about it like that, AND, it's true. Narcissists ARE Revenge-Seekers. Whether the revenge is subtle or obvious, small or huge, it's still revenge. Once you see what I mean, you'll see it clearly in your relationship...and, I hope you won't un-see it! It's nasty. Revenge is the...
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Stuck on a Partner's POTENTIAL Instead of Their REALITY?
You can get terrible stuck--for a very long time--by buying into a partner's potential. You can see how it could be, so you hope it will be. There's the mistake. See the differences today so you can make healthier decisions right away. Open your mind to the idea that you keep buying into promises...
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How NOT to Confuse BEING USED with BEING LOVED
It's confusing. You see what you think are loving behaviors. Then, you start wondering, but give a narcissist the benefit of the doubt. Then, you're in a pattern where things have gone lop-sided, pear-shaped, and somewhat south before you realized that you've confused being used for being loved.…
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Narcissists Use INSULTS Because They Can't Use LOGIC!
Insults are a low, low form of expressing disagreement. Not strange that narcissists stoop that low, is it? Their incessant NEED to win means they will go low in hopes of winning quickly. Sad & nasty! Insults only show emotional immaturity. Think of the playground. Insults are the arguments...
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NARCISSISTS = The Ultimate Frenemies
You want a best friend and a narcissist won't be one. You want a confidante and a narcissist uses your words against you. At best, Hijackals® are frenemies. You're unsafe around them. You feel the lack of safety, but sometimes you don't want to admit it. You recognize the friend/foe nature of…
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Narcissists are AWKWARD. ANGRY & ARGUMENTATIVE
Sure, narcissistic folks can be charming when you meet them. You just don't know what's lurking in the background, right? It can happen quickly that Hijackals® go from charming to manipulative, but it may take a while to catch on to what's going on. Basically, though, they are awkward, angry, and...
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Giving TOO MUCH? Empathy & Compassion Can TURN TOXIC!
In healthy situations, you would never think that empathy and compassion could have downsides, right? When you're with a Hijackal, a narcissistic, or other endlessly difficult person, you can find that you've stepped over into some strange land where empathy and compassion cause you to suffer. SO...
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Is a Narcissistic Hijackal Blowing Up Your Phone?
A BIG complaint I hear so often is that the partner of a narcissistic person--a Hijackal®--is blowing up their phone...daily. It's such a sign of things going sideways, and it slides into that territory too easily! How do you know when it's too frequent? Too unreasonable? Too disrespectful? Then,...
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How Narcissists EXPLOIT Your Natural Longing for Love & Belonging
It is natural to want to be loved and love. We organically want to belong. Absolutely! It's healthy, too. However, narcissistic people and all Hijackals excel at manipulating you and your feelings for their own purposes. You give and give, and still it's not enough. Then, they tell you that their...
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Narcissists are Masters of Crazy-making WhatAboutism
Ever feel your head spin when you're trying to express your feelings, thoughts, wants, or needs to a Hijackal? Of course, you have. That's because they are masters of this phenomena know as WhatAboutIsm or WhatAboutery. It's a powerful defense and deflection strategy narcissists use to confuse!...
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NARCISSISTS! Do They Hurt You on Purpose?
People ask so often: Do narcissists and other HIjackals know that they are being mean, difficult, coercive, dismissive, and more? You want to know. In this episode, I'll lay it out and explain it all, ONCE AND FOR ALL. Listen and take it in because knowing this answer can change your relationship...
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Narcissists: Rigid Thinkers Who Demand to be Right
Rigid thinking and what-about-ism are seriously linked. Know someone who is rigid in their thinking? They are RIGHT and that's all there is to it? And, if you don't agree with them, you're wrong...and, that there is something wrong with you? Hijackals® do that! Even entertaining your thoughts or...
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Why Emotional Abusers Prefer People-Pleasers Who Fawn
Maybe, you're too nice. You fawn. You'll do anything to keep the peace...or, at least, sidestep potential rage if you can. Peace at any price, you may say. Maybe, you find yourself fawning. (Hear more about that in the episode, too!) Emotional abusers appreciate fawning. It's easier for them and...
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SETTLING for Crumbs Leads to EMOTIONAL MALNUTRITION
Narcissistic people starve you in so many ways. Every now and again a narcissist--a Hijackal--is kind, offers a compliment, or shows interest in your feelings. THOSE ARE CRUMBS. You may be so starved that those crumbs feel like a feast. You make a big deal of it, and think the world has reset in...
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Narcissists PURPOSEFULLY Misunderstand You
So infuriating! Endlessly frustrating! Trying to talk with a narcissistic person--or any Hijackal--can be crazy-making. It usually is if you dare to even remotely want to discuss the dynamics of your relationship. You've likely been upset by their purposeful misunderstanding of what you say, what...
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STOP Getting Your Exercise by WALKING ON EGGSHELLS!
Are you exhausted by running after pleasing someone who seems dedicated to never being pleased? That's WALKING ON EGGSHELLS. That's the game. You do everything as right as you think they want it, and you are never rewarded by getting it right. Sound Familiar? Narcissists and other Hijackals are...
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Continuous Coping = STUCK in SURVIVAL MODE
... and that is unhealthy -- for YOU. Healthy relationships have equality, reciprocity, and mutuality. Toxic relationships do not. You will be coping tooooo much, and in balance tooooo little. Does that sound familiar? You could be giving your life away to a narcissist with nothing but promises…
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Why Narcissists Lie, Delay & Deny
SO FRUSTRATING! When you are with a narcissist or any kind of a Hijackal, you know that they use these three tactics to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Hijackals hate accountability, and will do anything to squirm out of it. They lie, delay, and deny. But why? You likely have many...
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Stop GOING THE EXTRA MILE for a NARCISSIST!
It's tempting. You may think you're being "nice." After a while, you're doing all the giving. Then, it's exhausting! Why does this dynamic happen? Why does it persist? What can you do to stop it? Listen in. In the beginning of a relationship with a narcissist, you may think you've found your...
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Self-Centered vs Narcissistic. Is There a Difference?
Yes, narcissistic people are self-centered, but does the reverse hold true? Are self-centered people always narcissistic? Important distinctions here that can help you understand the troubling folks in your life. Or, do you think it's a distinction without a difference? Listen in and see what you...
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Why Narcissists Insist You're NOT GOOD ENOUGH...even though they chose you!
Hijackals insist you're not good enough...even though they chose you or gave birth to you. What's up with that!@##%%!? It's crazy-making and it's important to understand why this happens. And, why it continues throughout the relationship unless you change. It's not OK. This episode will help you...
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Resentment Creates Rage & Repression. Not Good!
It's SO helpful to recognize the underlying resentments triggered in both a Hijackal AND their partner. Some may surprise you! Recognition leads to understanding which helps you to know your next best steps. Resentment is rife in all relationships with Hijackals...on both sides, too. You may feel...
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Why It's Healthiest to Focus on Yourself, Not on the Narcissist
Don't Lose or Abandon Yourself! Narcissistic people want all the attention as well as all the air in the room, right? You can find yourself giving it to them in hopes of them treating you better or liking/loving you more. Turn this around. Listen in to why you need to turn the focus on yourself…
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Topics in this show
About this show
The Save Your Sanity podcast offers episodes filled with the expert insights, validation, strategies, and support you need to recognize, manage, and recover from relationships with the relentlessly difficult, toxic--and often disturbing--people that host Dr. Rhoberta Shaler calls Hijackals®.
She offers invaluable help to stop the second-guessing, undermining, and crazy-making traits, patterns, and cycles you have encountered in relationships with folks like those. Understand the ways, whys, and hows that verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and spiritual abuse affect you over time. Whether the Hijackal is a partner, parent, ex, or colleague, what you will learn here will strengthen and empower you to step up, speak up, and stand up for yourself in healthy, assertive ways.
Many Hijackals have behaviors that are considered the same as those who are diagnosed as narcissists, bor
Hosted by
Dr. Rhoberta Shaler