Smarty Pants Lance

Lance talks about today's pop and country music and why it sucks. He opines it's a filtering issue. There's just no filter on what flushes down the internet stream. There used to be record companies and radio and TV programmers standing guard. Though, all of them must have been asleep at the switch with Disco Duck, Muskrat Love, et al. Et al. is a legal term - Google it!If anyone, and he means anyone, can record at home, and dump their cough, cough, "craft" onto the net there's no one to say, Hell no. Not on my watch or with my ears. I.e. no filterEnjoy a not in stereo semi-rant. Maybe, Lance needs a filter, too.

Lance teases about clickbait, air-headed celebrity endorsements, how sex sells- well, duh- and why he keeps getting click bait on Meta- which he still calls Face Book- about a photo of side boob of some model he's never heard of nor cares about. Are jingles superior sales tools compared to celeb endorsements? Is Lance permanently programmed by soda jingles from his childhood? What about a celeb who just happened to wear an article of clothing or jewelry and suddenly fans are crazed to get it? Lance also uses words you just don't don't hear. But that's just who he is.Have you been baited? Click on the episode and feel your funny bone teased with another rip-roaring, celebrity endorsed, fun AF, episode. (I'm the alleged "celebrity).

Lance talks about employment interviews. He begins by telling us about work he did as a kid and for which he didn't apply. This work is known as, "chores." With marketing know-how, Lance suggests a new name for chores: "Blessings." "Hey, son, I've a few blessings for you to give the family. You may start by cleaning the toilet." Moving in to job interviews- often these days via Zoom- he describes the process, beginning with recruiters. You might think military recruiters are slithery sorts. That is, until you're under world-wide attack from headhunters who saw your resume or Curriculum Vitae- if you're being fancy- you innocently posted on a job site. From overseas recruiters with unpronounceable names- that sound like hacking an spitting- to phony friendly, commission seeking, self servers, he's encountered them all. And then, there are the interviewers. There's plenty to say about them. Enjoy the episode. It won't be a chore.

Lance builds a better mousetrap thinking that'll lead to great success. It's what he heard during his growin' up years. Did building a better mousetrap help him get ahead in a government job? Hah, no. What about when he built a better one for private employers? PFFFHAHAHA, norious.Where did Lance go wrong? Has he learned a lesson? What are the meanings of megalomaniacal and vainglorious and how do they apply to his episode?Take a listen to find out their meanings and much more.

Lance describes how his plans for not just a little, but a lot, of "somthin' somethin" turned into nothin' nothin over a four day weekend. There was always some darned excuse: too tired from the week, too bloated and gassy after that outrageously expensive dinner, drank too much, again, and the, "Let's just watch one more Hallmark movie and I'll be ready, which leads to watching yet another Hallmark Movie, and another, until coma. Lance learns the valuable lesson, real romance is free. If someone really wants you, you don't have to spend money or put on a costly production. True love and a little somethin' somethin' should be exactly like the ending of a Hallmark Movie. Right?

With nine days before Christmas, Lance starts thinking about Christmas adult beverages. This gets him thinking about adult beverages, in general. He's a nauseous, no on, "The Nog," and not a connoisseur of wines- reds taste like Dr. Pepper, grapes, and alcohol, while, whites only taste like just grapes and alcohol.He reflects on his college days, "Great Drinking Contest" and how he put into action a prank involving Tequila and Lavoris mouthwash.. He reveals, he does not have an addictive personality- except possibly for Whoppers- and what would happen should he engage in a malted milk ball eating contest with Oprah Winfrey. Here's an episode you can drink to. Yes, I ended a sentence with a preposition.

Lance talks about Uber-- Uber annoying people (person) he got stuck behind at a booth selling luxury cookies at a local street fair. He gets triggered by a woman holding others up at his favorite cookie stand by asking one stupid question after another. She wastes everybody's time and then she doesn't buy anything. Haven't we all all encountered these people from time to time?Serenity now-- and a cookie later!

Smarty Pants Lance takes you into the kitchen to share some of how movie are made. Ol' Smarty is from the south, don't ya know, and he comes a callin' to see where a co-worker is at. His scene features a petite albino and her giant raven-haired sister. Why didn't he just call ahead?Lance shares a famous Orson Welles, quote, "A poet needs a pen, a painter a brush, a director an army. Yes a director does need an army and you hear examples, why. So, pop a brew, and kick off your shoes. "Set" uh spell on the cement porch, as Lance describes his seven line scene which took half a work day to shoot. Please pass the popcorn.

Smarty Pants Lance was and is a licensed attorney at law in California. A large part of his legal practice was criminal defense. Beaver Clever sez: No foolin'! In this episode, Lance describes quirky courtroom antics, the difference between infractions, misdemeanors, and felonies, police prostitution sting operations, and his opinion that it's a true crime not to show, Mel Brooks's classic movie, "Blazing Saddles." An honorable mention goes to another, Mel Brooks classic, "The Producers."If you're fishing for fun, or how to spot a police decoy, Lance turns in an episode which goes rapidly from plain to penal!

Smarty Pants Lance, inspired by the Foreigner song, "Feels Like The First Time," questions whether the first time the best time? Introduced by The Duke himself, John Wayne, Lance tells the tale of his first three times, or attempts which included, among other things, a Pith Helmut a la 1930's-40's jungle movies, a creaking bed, stubbed toes, not one, but two, count 'em, two condoms at the same time, parents on the other side of the wall. three white, toy poodles with anxiety disorders, a gay man's bed in a Roman style bedroom festooned with velvet paintings of leather clad, bare-chested men wearing sunglasses and a mirror on the ceiling, and later, having to wait a whole week due to "God's little gift."Is Lance full of swamp gas, or did he make it through a jungle of nerves to discover a long sought treasure?

Smarty Pants Lance takes a look at a person's looks. Do looks matter? Do people look like their pets, cars, environments? What about a person's character? We've all known some "characters" haven't we? Do better looking people have an easier life? Make more money? As the song says, is everything beautiful in it's own way? What about facial moles? And don't get me started on bad hygiene gross grooming habits, or a woman with a short, angular, "I'm a bitch" haircut.. Is attraction initially all about our caveman DNA programming? Do short men have a chance with women?There's just so much to take a look at, rather. take a listen to. And despite what your 6th grade language arts teacher told you. today, you may end a sentence with a preposition. Here's lookin' at you!

Smarty Pants Lance dons his visor and sleeve garter, grabs his adding machine, and totals up the cost in Costco and other discount membership warehouse stores. Go right on in, have a look around, and find bargains galore! A bargain is something you don't really need, at a price you can't afford to turn down!Fill up on highly processed food samples while you empty your wallet! Please don't leave until you've spent it all!Here's a great idea for a date: Meet at the outside food counter and have a slice of pizza pie or n all "beef" dog. Then, go inside and watch a movie on one of the TV's for sale!There's no discount to Lance's humorous take on membership discount warehouses.

In this, change-of-pace, episode, Smarty Pants Lance waxes sentimentally about his long ago and dearly departed rescue- a Husky mix- he named, Amanda or "Mander T. Commander." Was it fate or coincidence that brought then together? Lance prefers to believe it was fate. You decide. The correct answer is fate!A "shaggy dog story" of two who needed each other. For those who worry about rescuing a dog, please keep in mind, she was a very good girl!