Something's gotta give

This past year I have been mastering silence and preservation. I felt called to share what this journey has looked like for me so far. I also just missed doing this and wanted to catch up with my tribe! 

The 3 musketeer friend dynamic often looks like two people whom share the closer bond and a plus one that will never have the same bond as the two best friends in the group. The third friend will often fight for the same amount of love and affection and in the end may feel inadequate. 

Intrusive thoughts can be our worst enemies. You have to get out of your head and into your body. In other words, MOVE! It's the best thing you can do for yourself if you suffer from depression or anxiety. 

In honor of my two year sobriety anniversary, I felt called to share  an experience that kept reoccurring during my obsessive drinking phase. I have so many horror stories and I felt called to tell the worst nightmare of all to highlight how far I have come since that time in my life. We all make mistakes, what matters is the person you become after learning from them. I couldn't be more proud of the woman that I am today. I also have so much love and understanding for the girl I was at that point in my life. 

The first interview I have done on my podcast platform and what a great one. I work with Rose, a sweet young girl, and I felt compelled to hear her story after sharing with me briefly that she had to grow up quick. We dive deep into her upbringing and how that has molded her current reality. Discussing sexual assault, promiscuity, abandonment amongst other topics. She is actively working to choose a desirable future- and I am more then happy this platform made her feel safe enough to allow the truth that's been hidden to come to the surface. 

I dive deep into my experience sleeping at a gas station during a roadtrip across country. This was very traumatic and my inner child kept telling me to share my story. Healing can be as simple as telling and honoring a story. 

Sharing the experiences I endured as a child is a part of my healing process. What I endured during the fourth that I had repressed for years kept coming to the surface, specifically in the month of February. Expressing my truth is a way of me honoring what my inner child kept communicating to me. Not only is the story a way of sustaining a relationship with my inner child - it is a powerful confidence building practice as well. We all have stories and they deserve to be heard. Thank you for listening to mine. 

The best place to meet your most authentic self is during the practice of stillness. The greatest ideas stem from listening to your inner voice, your inner child. Today's society gives praise to having motion but we neglect the power that comes from being still and all the wonders that are born from that practice. Tend to the slower things in life that can be a little more difficult, which is why they are often time the most rewarding once the fruit of your labor comes to fruition. 

Most people who can light up a room by their very presence, have the darkest stories. It is through the dark times, they learn how to be someone who chooses to shine. Being a light worker can be a daunting task when you have not learned how to fill your cup before filling others. It is vital for balance to be mastered to be the act of service most light beings strive to be. 

I was called to do a fast from shopping January and February. Through that time period I realized that I buy clothes to feel love. I was taught that love is measured through materialistic things. How often and how much I received through out my childhood, was how I viewed the amount of love someone had for me. Which led me to always looking to buy something new in my adult hood. Yes, retail therapy is nice but like everything else in this life- understanding WHY I enjoy something allows me to choose if I am doing this from a place of lack or abundance. Realizing the truth behind my attachment to materialistic things, specifically clothes in my case, was a search for me to receive love. 

Both the empath and narcissist are a product created from childhood trauma. The empath took the route of empathy resulting in them tending to everyone and everything around them, versus the narcissist chose the ego-path because the only way they would be recognized is if the attention came from themselves. These two are a direct mirror of one another which are created from the imbalances of their upbringing. 

The final episode in the trilogy series on the chakra system. Focusing on your fourth through the seventh chakras. 

This is the second part to the trilogy of learning about the Chakra system stemming from the book, "Eastern Body Western Mind". I share my insight and personal experiences learning about my energy centers and healing them to become more balanced over all. 

Join me as I do a deep dive into one of my favorite self help books titled, "Eastern body, Western mind" by Anodea Judith. I breakdown the overall system of the Chakras in this introduction episode. Explaining its functionality and what it pertains too emotionally, physically, and spiritually. This self-help book was one of the first that catapulted me into my healing journey. It is vital to understand this system in order to heal ourselves. 

Life and death are held in the power of the tongue. What we choose to say out loud is the reality of our lives. We are the creators, and speech is one of the most powerful components that structures life. Something that powerful needs to be used mindfully and with caution. What you speak on holds power.

Distraction is everywhere- its fingertips length away. It is the easiest it has ever been to get invested in everything else but yourself. We subconsciously compare our lives to everything we see in the day an age of social media. Comparison is the thief of joy- which I believe to be one of the main reasons why depression and loneliness is at an all time high. It takes extreme mindfulness to break the habit of comparison which has become the new normal. Not everything that glitters is gold. It is vital to stay in your lane, and build a trust within yourself that you are and have everything you will ever need. Choose to wake up optimistic and abundant and not succumb to the low frequency of lack and not having enough. 

In order to implement and continue standing firm on boundaries, saying no is going to have to be vital in that process. When you have lived your whole life saying yes, and being a victim of people pleasing - utilizing the word no is going to feel downright wrong. It is important to grow through that stage and feel the power of making the right decision for yourself. Feeling uncomfortable is a sure sign that your doing the right thing.

We are one with mother nature- just as the ecosystem goes through its yearly cycle of death and rebirth- as do we. People are seasonal, because we ourselves are seasonal. Releasing attachments can be a very daunting task but it is imperative for personal growth. The more you lean into the free flow of this life, the more space you'll continuously create to become the next version of yourself, the better version of yourself. 

Turning 30 is a monumental moment. One we all anticipate throughout our 20's for a variety of reasons. Well, my time has come to embark on a new decade. I found myself being quite critical of all the versions of myself that were born and died in this past era, but I chose to change my perspective and implement grace over judgement. There is no better place to be than in the present. I am thankful and love every version of myself that I have been. For every experience has molded me into what I consider to be the best version of myself thus far. 

Stability was a foreign subject to little Mary. It wasn't until I began living alone in my 20's that I really started to learn and implement a stable lifestyle. I was unable to keep a job, and working only to survive. Growing up I had such big dreams and I thought my work life would look really different, being the first of my immediate family to obtain a degree and all. But reality always has a way of humbling you. Following the footsteps of what I witnessed growing up, working the same jobs my caretakers did. I embodied the lifestyle of working harder not smarter- when it should always be the other way around. We blindly create the life that we come from, often times not realizing we could have taken a different route if we just had an example set for us. 

Family dynamics can often pacify toxic patterns and behaviors simply because the same blood is running through your veins. Growing up in a non-traditional manner has allowed me to see a plethora of families and how choosing to ignore unhealthy patterns is how generational trauma passes on to each lineage. Actively choosing my family, whether we share the same blood or not has allowed me to create the healthiest community thus far. I do not believe blood relativity is enough reason to sustain a bond that is detrimental to yourself or any loved one for that matter. Choose who you love on wisely, for it is important for the betterment of yourself.

In the season of solitude, I reflected on how I was showing up in romantic endeavors. I often times created fantasized relationships with people I just started getting to know. I found myself falling in limerence with anyone before a bond was able to truly be established. My abandonment issues from the past was interfering in an unrealistic manner with any possible connection. I now reclaim my power by affirming the following- " I release all my expectations attached to _____. I release all the pain, trauma, and fear that this brings up in my past. I surrender and I release, and I am open and ready for all the beautiful things coming into my life. I am safe." 

After being diagnosed with severe PTSD, I received the confirmation I was unknowingly seeking from a professional psychiatrist to acknowledge the war zone that was my childhood. I have been able to heal my mind from the painful experiences of the past by allowing my truth to come to surface. Only then, did the memories that haunted me throughout my life began to dissipate. I can confidently say my mind no longer feels imprisoned by the pain of my childhood. I am here to tell you it is indeed possible to heal from PTSD. It requires a ton of vulnerability and strength to revisit spaces you feel you don't have the strength too, but it works. EMDR also had a major impact within healing PTSD. I recommend trying EMDR if talk therapy has not been successful. 

On this path of self discovery- this specific chapter called me back to Rio de Janeiro, Brasil. I came here to pick up my inner little girl. This is my mother’s home land. She dropped me off to family members here when I was 2 years old and that’s when abandonment was first introduced to me along with other traumatic experiences I endured during the years I stayed here in my adolescence. Unfortunately those traumatic experiences shaped my core beliefs which developed into the wounded version of myself when I first became an adult. Truth is, I was still a child, a very hurt one embodying the look and lifestyle of an adult. In order to heal, we are often called to go back in order to move forward. No matter the direction each chapter calls you, it all leads to growth in the end. I met my 2,3,4 year old inner child  and boy did I spoil her. We ate, we walked, we saw, we touched, we danced, we cried, we laughed, we shopped, we went on an adventure that I will cherish forever. Through these journeys I have with myself and showing up in a way no one ever has for me growing up is building the trust with the broken part of me. This WORK is what is creating the most beautiful vibrant and authentic version I am so proud of becoming. I thank God for giving me the strength to continuously share my story. May this touch someone and give you the motivation to love on the parts of you that remain hidden. Tchau 💋 

TRIGGER WARNING- On this episode I share the story of what I consider to be the most traumatic event of my life. I have learned how the event of being abused was affecting my present day actions. Through the deepest form of shadow work I have been abele to address the person that was created out of trauma, with kindness, and teach myself that we no longer need to allow trauma responses to create my personality. In order to achieve my deepest desires and become the highest version of myself I must implement through daily presence and awareness new belief systems that I want for myself. While also giving my inner child space to process and release all of the trauma that was stored in my body for years. Sometimes we need to revisit our past to rewrite our future. 

The bond I have with my father is one I hold near and dear to my heart. He has lived so many lives and our relationship has changed with each person he evolves into. The man I met when I was born was the first version of him I knew and it was also the worst version. The addict, liar, and man of magic with his disappearing acts was my first introduction of what a man is- what my first love is. I share the story of what my relationship has been like throughout the years with my dad and all of the growing pains we have went through. I am now in the best place I have ever been with our relationship and it's due to the constant space of healing and evolving we provide to one another. I'm learning to allow my father to show up as just that- my father- and he is constantly learning to fulfill this life long role to the best of his ability. 

Being codependent means having excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a person outside of yourself. Many of us are codependent and don't realize that we are, or maybe we have just accepted that's the way relationship dynamics work. As someone who has always wanted to be break free from relying on others, I had to learn just how deep my codependency went. After embracing my truth, I  then made a conscious decision to be independent, and affirming that I am everything and then some. I believe all of us have the power to embrace the wholeness that can be achieved within yourself. 

I grew up in extreme poverty from birth up until the fourth grade. Having a mindset of scarcity and lack was introduced before I knew there were other ways of life. Even learning that there are  many other - better- possible ways of life, scarcity still rules over my subconscious. Through the therapy process of EMDR, I am able to face head on the core beliefs that were established in the earliest years of my life- scarcity being one of them- and reestablish beliefs that are in alignment with my highest self. 

I never had a good, memorable birthday in my childhood. All of the birthday's in my 20's were only 'fun' because I was under the influence of marijuana and liquor. Celebrating my 29th birthday sober was the first time I realized what pain I experienced year after year as a child and how I subconsciously seek that in my present reality. It took a sober eye to piece all of this together and implement change.

I have had three different birth certificates throughout my life and that has seriously impacted my sense of identity. I became every version of what others thought of me until I took the time to find myself. 

The number one indicator for how children grow up to thrive is the quality of the mother's happiness. I had numerous women fall into the mother role throughout my adolescent years and each one passed on their traumas. Whether the act was intentional or not, it has affected me profoundly. Doing intense shadow work during my healing stages, I have reflected on my past lives that I experienced with each mother and why I behaved the way I did in my early adulthood. Realizing these hard truth has allowed me to break the patterns and insert my own belief systems, to be the version of myself I have always dreamt of. 

Core beliefs are formed before the age of five and if new behavioral patterns aren't introduced by the age of seven, your personality has been created. I learned that my spirit did not identify with the woman that I had evolved into. I took a deep dive inward and realized I was subconsciously recreating the havoc of my childhood. My healing journey has been the hardest yet most rewarding journey. Everyone has the power to change but it takes the deepest level of self reflection to do so.