The Boys Read The Bible

We have Jonah on, who teaches us about Yeshiva, shares his opinions about the Torah, and reveals to us that David has never had any insightful or original thoughts in his life.You may have noticed a mistake in the title of this episode. It is not a mistake, we really skipped an entire chapter of the Bible, from the book of Numbers no less. Sadly, in this episode, Nic bravely spoke out when I wrongly announced we would be reading chapter 8 of Numbers. He said, "No, I think it's 7." His voice was not heard. Instead, Alex picked up his bible and read starting in 8, instead of 7.If you really want to know what happens in chapter 7 of Numbers, write to your congressman to sign whatever the currently proposed bill is to stop congresspersons from holding stocks in office. There's usually always one floating around. If that legislation passes, we may consider going back and reading Numbers chapter 7.Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic, David, Jonah Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Alex sees punishment for adultery both ways and David weighs in on issues of misogyny. We also pound out exactly how much Luke's brother probably owes Alex for fake employing him.Also we slam through two chapters because David has on the ground reporting regarding those Jewish tunnels that were all over the internet a few years ago. We also discuss Jewish apocalypticism and the dynamics of the Lubavitch and Jamaican communities in New York.Guests, Alex, Luke, David, Nic Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorry for the audio quality, we lost Angelo's recording halfway through so I had to use the backup file which is much lower quality for everyone. We get into the nitty gritty with some rules about dolphin skins and a complicated financial scheme that seems to benefit Moses and Aaron in a confusing and underhanded way. The Levites seem to be getting a bad deal, but we're not really sure. Donate money to our Patreon so we can pay to have George Santos read as much of Numbers as possible.Also, I am so sorry for how insanely off topic this episode is. Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic, Angelo Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

WE ARE BACK. We actually never left, I am just terrible at editing. If we ever stop posting episodes, and you wonder, "did this podcast die?", just know that it is not dead, we are doing it without you, every week. Guests: Alex, Nic, Luke, Cassidy Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SORRY FOR BROOKE'S AUDIO I can't fix it. Hopefully she's audible enough. There are about 15 minutes of banter at the beginning of this episode, so if you don't want to hear us chit chat for two long, skip it.We talk about partying, how to do it, how not to do it, what to eat when you do it, when to do it, why to do it, who to do it with, and what to kill at the party. We discuss lunar calendars, why you should always have a themed party, and how charitable donating raw materials to the homeless actually is. We speculate on Taylor Swift's sexuality, the nature of love and hate, and how bad stoning is.Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic, Indu, Brooke Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I am so sorry, but in the last episode we forgot to read Leviticus Chapter 20, so I read it quickly at the beginning for those of you that still refuse to obtain your own Bible. Luckily, it is basically the same content of Chapters 18 and 19, so the discussion would have been redundant anyways, We are losing steam slowly on reading lots and lots and lots of laws and cover everything from ableism to interest rates. Some of the laws are boring, some of them are disagreeable with our modern morality, and some of them are both. God sends those who break the laws to... We aren't sure yet.Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic, Noah Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

On this episode, we discuss all of the sexual acts god finds disgusting, and we discuss how creative they are and the merits of a society that lacks those acts. We also briefly touch on one of the more politically relevant verses of the Bible, the infamous Leviticus 18:22. Luke from the future gives better prepared notes on how this verse can be interpreted differently and provides a few resources for those of you who care enough to go Google about why Bible nerds argue about this. Nic Fails to hypothetically defend Moloch. We go off on a tangent about every time someone lied in the Bible and went unpunished.Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic, Keith Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We get a demon name drop (Azazel), we discuss more sacrifice options, and general rules as to how to be a good boy or gal. I am so, so sorry for you listeners, I promise it gets better. Guests: Alex, Keith, Luke Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

More skin disease, more cleansing, more sickness, still no guests. Us three men get to the bottom of misogyny (we solve it) and also if periods are gross or not. We read a lot about just about every unclean thing that could be ejected from a man or woman's body. Guests: Alex, Nic, Luke Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1984 sucks, its a bad book, we get it, authoritarianism bad. We discuss leper colonies, how to treat it, and also how birth is maybe a sin. No guests because we don't have friends. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Aaron's sons use some unauthorized, strange fire, and get in very big trouble with both God and Moses. The Bible does finally get good again, and we read a great story about some smiting and some priestly drama. We bash on winos for a while so sorry if you're a Barefoot enjoyer. We also talk about the entire list of kosher and unclean animals, and speculate on what animals would not be on the list.Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We read ALOT, and it drains much of our enthusiasm. We are trying to power through these repeat laws for your sake and ours. We cover more sacrificing, more blood spraying and more offerings. We spend a large portion of the last ten minutes speculating on how to perform a "scientific" animal sacrifice ourselves.Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Tbh I edited this a while ago so I don't really remember what happens. I think it's more sacrificing. Also we try to dip our toes into the Talmud but it doesn't go well. We are very sorry for reading so little of the actual Bible this episode. Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We get into the nitty gritty of killing bulls and rams to cleanse the people of their sacrifices, and Luke spoils some of the events of the New Testament so that everyone has a more holistic context for blood sacrifice.Guests:AlexLukeNicBrooke Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We dive into the third book of the Bible. We are back from break. Again. Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Alex and Nic appoint Luke chairman of obfuscation, and we proceed to power through every single detail regarding the construction of the tabernacle as it is repeated for Moses' new plates. Part of the way through, we all take a deep breath and decide to save you all from another episode of Ikea instructions and read FOUR WHOLE CHAPTERS in one episode. You're welcome.Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Exodus: Chapter 34-35 - God lays down more laws to replace the ones that Moses broke, and he has a rant about how awesome he is. We speculate on the feasibility of removing gold from the human body after it has been consumed. We talk a bit more about the two author hypothesis, and relate our opinions about reading some portions of the Bible as metaphor and some literally. Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic, Morgan Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Exodus: Chapter 32-33 -Moses comes down from the mountain to absolute mayhem in the form of idol worship. God gets really mad, and Moses talks him down from starting from zero again with a bit of decimation instead. Aaron avoids accountability by the hem of his ephod, and we discuss ancient cow worship.Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic, Hannah Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Exodus: Chapter 30-31 - I'm sorry folks but this is a particularly off topic episode. We do cover two chapters, but we did this episode after a bit of a break so we aren't in the flow and just jibber jabber about nonsense for a large portion. We read about biblical taxes and incense laws, so if you decide you can't bear to sift through our chit-chat, you aren't missing much. Also, Bibles are basically free, so go get one and read it yourself.Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Exodus: Chapter 29 - We read about lots of animal sacrifices, what to do with their insides, and question if any of it is really necessary considering the binding of Issac. God instructs Aaron and the blood boys to spray viscera, blood and organs all over his fancy new tent so that nobody needs to worry about sins. Daniel thinks God might have been an early 80's metal fan.Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic, Daniel, Kenny Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Exodus: Chapter 28 - If you were hoping for more gold, there's lots more gold. Aaron and his blood boys get ephods, blue cords and breastplates adorned with crystals. We talk alot about crystals and crystal magic, because God is very interested in using them to symbolize the twelve tribes. If you or someone you love knows lots about crystals, tell them we want them to come on and tell us what they know, otherwise we will continue to read things off people's crystal blogs without citations. Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Exodus: Chapter 25-27God has something against dolphins, and we read a lot of instructions on how to build a very gold, very brass, very dolphin skinned tabernacle. There are more sacrifice instructions, and the Israelites have a lot of work cut out for them, because this tent is going to be many talents heavy. Alex pontificates on how much he can empathize with godhood, and we critique God's garish interior design decisions. Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Exodus: Chapter 23-24Welcome to Alex, don't forget to like that like button and smash that bell. Alex reads Alex, and we discuss unlevened bread, murder, some other laws, and we think some are good and some are bad. Also, David comes on for his first episode (late). Also God calls for six genocides and shows off his feet.Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic, David, Daniel, Max Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This one goes out to women. Welcome to tall talk. Luke rambles about Nextdoor drama (that he incited), and we read about property law, which includes humans as much as it does inanimate objects. There are a few cool laws in this section that we will put the TBRTB seal of approval on, such as Exodus 21:28 and Exodus 22:26. Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Ten Commandments! The big rules! We finally get to find out what God's top ten priorities are, and he comes all the way down to Earth (Mt. Sinai) to do it. He's got some weird rules for it, but Moses and his people navigate it effectively. Sorry Luke talks a lot on this one, there's a lot of info dumping to get through (ten commandments and all that) and Alex and Nic don't carry their weight. Guests: Luke, Alex, Nic Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We pick up with the gang in the desert, no longer hungry but still very thirsty. Moses cajoles water from a rock, and his father in law teaches him how to organize his phrophet-hood into an actual government and religion by establishing a middle management. Also, Alex publicly apologizes to our past guests for an unknown reason. Guests: Luke, Alex, Nic Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We speculate on all things mana; where it is from, what it tastes like, what it could be and if we would be happy or grossed out by it. Noah recites Miriam's death metal classic, and we begin our journey out into the desert.Guests: Luke, Alex, Nic, Noah Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We get to a big milestone in the Bible, the story of the parting of the Red Sea. We get a glimpse into God's military strategy, and get a theophany with a bonus angel. We discuss the terror of God for the first time in a while, and some of the more minor details often glossed over in the story of the Red Sea crossing. Guests: Luke, Alex, Nic, Daniel, Max Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We celebrate Passover, as the Israelites finally manage to escape slavery with the help of God's divine hand. God lays out some dietary restrictions, and a few ideas for a holiday he wants his people to start celebrating. Noah and Nic take over reading on this episode to prove they have Bibles and can read. Guests: Luke, Alex, Nic, Noah Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode is cut short because Alex had plans at 9, so if you were hoping for your allotted 1 hour of rambling you can play this on half speed. We only read one chapter as a result, but its still a good one, and its two more plagues, if anyone thought it couldn't get worse.Guests: Luke, Alex, Nic, Erika Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

EDIT: I had to reupload this episode because of some technical issues. The last one was for some reason only 30 minutes, so if you listened to that already, sorry, now you can relisten to it. We talk about frogs and fleas. Daniel joins us. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I would have named this episode something else based on the unanimous thematic take-away discussed towards the end, but I am not allowed to. We sadly have to read some begats, but Alex takes some shortcuts to avoid most of it for you all. Max's recording drops very early in the episode, so I tried to cut in such a way that it isn't super weird for us to be talking to an invisible voice. Moses begins the ten plagues of Egypt, involving snakes and blood. Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic, Max Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We read the story of Moses and the burning bush, and obviously talk about all of the various interpretations that go along with "talking to a burning bush". We read more receipts, and Moses gets recruited to lead a slave revolt. We are sadly not joined by any guests. If you want to be one email us. Also God tries to kill Moses???Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We talk about midwives for way too long on this episode and fall into a googling hole. More importantly, we finally start the second book of the bible, Exodus, and Luke does an extremely long powerpoint presentation that only the guests can see (sorry audience) about what to expect in Exodus and what kind of historical context to include in our expectations for the book. We are joined by Cassidy, our original number 1 fan and early guest for the christening of a new book of the bible.Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic, Cassidy Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We finally finish the book of Genesis. You probably didn't think we would, but we did it to spite each other and our audience. We say goodbye one last time to a few more favorites, and we attempt to decipher the sometimes vague and sometimes extremely benign prophecies of Israel. Lee has a difficult time staying on the call, and I summarize the entire first book of the bible for you all at a super human speed. Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic, Lee Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

A lot of people die, and Joe's master plan (maybe?) goes through without a hitch, as it always does for him. Blessings are transfered through family members in a confusing and extremely specific fashion. Alex is not here for this episode and we also had technical difficulties in the beginning, so if it sounds like we'd been chatting for a bit at the top of the episode, its because we were. The cut is right before Angelo makes the fig comment. Don't worry though we didn't read any bible without you. Angelo is looking for descendants so if you're interested leave a review.Guests: Luke, Nic, Angelo Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode is riddled with technical issues. Alex's audio is spotty because his original recording didn't upload so I had to use our backup, and Noah's call drops half way through from the recording. If the conversation sounds weird, it's because I tried to edit out any portions where we were talking to people who's audio failed to record, and I tried to mark sections where that occurs so it's less confusing!Joseph boldly claims the title of Egypt's ruler, and also justifies the terrible things he went through to help god save some people from a famine. There are also more begets and a family reunion. We cry at the end. Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic, Noah Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It is still about Joe, and he is still gaslighting his siblings - which we do tire of, but Ben points out that in Joseph's defense he was sold into slavery so he can have a little bit of gaslighting as a treat. Also, Alex and Nic share their own dreams for interpretation and Ben touches a Bible for the first time in his life.Sorry if Ben is quiet and my audio is weird, we shared a microphone and he's soft spoken and I am loud so just listen extra hard for him. I tried to make him more audible when he speaks amidst the blistering shouts of Nic and Luke.Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic, Ben Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Joseph is at long last reunited with his brothers that tried to kill him and sell him into slavery. He spends the entire family reunion lying to them about his identity and their innocence in an extremely dramatic fashion, but who wouldn't after what they did. Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic, Indu, New Nick Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Joseph institutes agricultural planning practices in Egypt, something that they probably should have instituted earlier, and gets in tight with pharaoh and his sun stuff. Also, I am sorry for the wildly inconsistent audio volume between episodes, I just sat back down to edit the episode backlog for the first time in a while and I have no idea what the right volume is right now. Also there are now ads and I haven't figured out how to remove or vet them, so sorry if we accidentally sponsor something terrible. Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic, Max, Noah Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We follow our new favorite main character Joseph, or as Ana insists on calling him, Joe, as he snakes his way out of a handful of sticky situations. Joe leverages an assault allegation to move himself from slave to the head of the Egyptian department of agriculture in a few short years, with his own wits and also probably a lot of help from God. Guests: Alex, Luke, Nic, Ana Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

On this episode we begin the story of Joseph, his coat and his terrible brothers. We are joined by Ana and Matt. I don't really remember what happens in this episode I edited it weeks ago and am just now publishing it.Guests: Luke, Alex, Nic, Ana and Matt Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

On this episode we read Genesis 34 and 35, and discuss the geopolitical climate of the promised land. Levi and Simeon do some terrible things to some other people who also did terrible things, and Alex launches his search engine. Also, nose rings are ok with God.Guests: Luke, Alex, Nic Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this week's episode, we hit a big landmark in the Bible, that being the birth (kind of) of Israel. A strong case is made for God entering the wrestling hall of fame, and lots of livestock-related math is done.Guests: Luke, Alex, Nic Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Laban and Jacob have a "confrontation" regarding Jacob's "theft" and there is a brief discussion of male and female familial hierarchy and the nature of household gods. Payton is entirely missing in this episode, the reason is still unknown and he spills a comically large amount of Cheerios. Lee relearns how to read a bible.Guests: Luke, Alex, Nic, Lee, Technically Payton Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Jacob works on his uncle's ranch for 7 years to earn his cousin's wife, Rachel, and eventually earns a wife, but not the right wife. There's a bit of a baby-making competition, and Jacob scams Laban out of a lot of sheep, somehow, possibly through genetics. Guests: Luke, Alex, Nic, Noah, Payton Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Half of this episode is a discussion of the story of Jacob and Esau from the last chapter with some examples of how the story might be used in a sermon, as well as Haley's gender studies-ish interpretation. The Second half is the story of Jacob's Ladder, a brief but iconic Bible story. We also get a bit into chapter 29, for those listeners that are trying not to get confused as t where we are. Going to try and start listing episode guests down here.Alex, Luke, Nic, Haley Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We read the story of Issac, Jacob, and Esau with this week's guest, Haley. We discuss the questionable ethics of Jacob and his mother's plan to rob the eldest of birthright, and what that implies for Jewish and Christian tradition. The story is a literarily famous one, and we break down the symbolism and character motivations actually found within the text rather than the mythos and assumed narrative that tends to orbit it. We also request from the Bible that there be zanier costume swaps.I have gotten lazier with editing the cover photos for each of these episodes because it takes too much time. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We jump back into the Bible with Luke's new roommate, Ryan, to discuss Abraham's number one wingman and his quest to get Issac laid. We say goodbye to some important characters, say hello to some new ones, and admittedly read one of the less interesting stories in the Bible but only out of narrative necessity. The audio quality takes a brief but severe dip due to the group transitioning to a remote recording situation, but we will return to our usual audio mediocrity soon. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

God asks Abraham to sacrifice the son God just gave him, and we talk about wether or not God is allowed to pull a takesy-backsey of such monumental proportions. There are water rights disputes in the land of Abimelech, and Hagar gets kicked out again. The episode stays brief for the first time in a while, and the narrative of Abraham returns to some of the symbolic gestures of weirdly abusive but also inspiring love we all know the Bible for. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.