The Bozo Criminal of the Day Report

Bozo Criminal Report We're not sure, but we think the Spirit of Christmas may have led our bozo for today away from a life of crime. From Sacramento, California, comes the story of an unidentified cab rider who pulled a knife on the driver and then apparently thought better of it. He put the knife away and when he fled the cab, he left behind payment for the fare plus a tip. Police say our bozo won't be charged.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today comes from Picayune, Mississippi, where bozo Robert Haynes went to a local cemetery to take pictures of ghosts. Or at least that's what he told the cops. After they arrested him for indecent exposure. As he explained to the police, he had to take off his clothes because a naked body is the best canvas to show off the spirits orbs of energy. The cops believe his plan was to show off something else. He's busted!

Bozo Criminal Report Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today's report. From West Linn, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Zelda Foster who broke into a residence and stole some computer equipment, jewelry and clothes and stuffed it all in a large duffel bag, which she also took from the house. Finding that she simply had too much stuff to carry, she did what any bozo would do, she called for backup. Unfortunately, she decided to call 911 to ask for a ride home. She's busted!

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 55987: Let your getaway driver in on what's going on. From Elysian, Minnesota, comes the story of 70-year-old Sandra Barron who asked the son of a friend if he could please drive her to the bank. He was glad to do it and waited in the car while she went inside and robbed the place. When she returned to the car with her cash, he casually drove away. He never noticed when the bank vice president jumped in his car and followed them. He also never noticed when the police joined the caravan. When he pulled the car into our bozo's driveway, she was placed under arrest.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminals for today come from Gadsden, Alabama, where a group of bozos held up a bank, getting away with an undetermined amount of cash. Our bozos were making their getaway when an officer noticed something strange about their car. Something was flying out of the windows as the vehicle sped down the highway. And that something was cash. Lots of cash. He turned around and gave chase, but not for long, as the bozos soon crashed their vehicle and fled into the nearby woods. They're under arrest.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Wigan, England, where thieves stole a batch of pies as they were on the way to the World Pie Eating Championships. This would not ordinarily have been newsworthy except for the secret ingredient that the chef had placed into the pies to prevent the potatoes from becoming mushy. Viagra. Yep, the chef placed Viagra into the pies to keep the potatoes firm. The local police chief says, and we quote, "the local folk should be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals." There's nothing more we can say.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today comes from East Wenatchee, Washington, where an unidentified bozo robbed a woman and grabbed her purse after threatening to shoot her. Our bozo took off running toward what he thought was his approaching getaway vehicle. Unfortunately, it wasn't. It was a marked patrol car, driven by an officer who had slowed down after he noticed what was happening. Oops. He's under arrest.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today comes from the Orange County Jail in Santa Ana, California, where bozo Malcolm Carson was tired of the salami sandwiches he was being served. So, he filed a protest about the jailhouse food, citing religious beliefs. And the religious holiday that he named that required Kosher food wasn't Hanukkah. He said he needed Kosher food to celebrate Festivus. Festivus is the fictional holiday that was celebrated with the airing of grievances and feats of strength on the Seinfeld TV show. His request has been th

Bozo Criminal Report Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today's report from the Political Division. From McAlester, Oklahoma, comes the story of bozo state representative Terry Harrison who was very proud of himself when he bagged a piebald, white-tailed deer. He was so proud, he called the media to brag about his prize. Unfortunately, a game warden read the newspaper story about the deer and realized that the representative likely was in violation of state hunting regulations since he didn't have a permit to shoot the animal. Oops. And our bozo should have known better, since he wrote some of the state's hunting laws. He's been fined $296.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today comes from our "'Tis the Season" file. From the International File in Montabaur, Germany, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who answered the door of his home to find the police standing outside. They informed him that they had received reports that he might be in possession of marijuana. Our bozo co-operated with the officers and turned over 5.5 ounces of pot and as they were leaving one of the officers noticed the lovely Christmas tree that our bozo had nicely decorated. As he took a closer look at the tree, he noticed it wasn't a fir or a pine. It wasn't even a cedar. Instead, it was a 7 foot tall marijuana plant with Christmas ornaments all over it. Looks like Santa has just added someone to the "Naughty" list.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo for today comes from New York City, and we'll leave it up to you to decide who's the criminal here. 80-year-old Delia Greer was walking to the subway station when she tossed a newspaper into a city trash bin. An officer quickly approached and began writing her a citation. It seems the city trash cans are for "litter only" and a personal newspaper doesn't qualify. Even though Delia offered to reach in and remove the paper, the sanitation cop refused to take back the ticket. Merry &$&S%^& Christmas! Delia says she'll appeal.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today comes from Bolingbrook, Illinois, where bozo Robert Otto was out on probation for a prior burglary charge. Police answering a call of a burglary at a residence noticed something strange. The home had been broken into before, about a year and a half ago. And many of the items that were stolen this time had been recovered when the previous case had been solved. And who do you think had pulled the previous crime? Yep, our out-on-parole bozo. Further investigation determined he had returned to the home to finish what he had started several months before. He's under arrest, again.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today comes from Butler, Pennsylvania, where bozo Chad Carson stole a car, which he found unlocked with the keys inside. Our bozo had been drinking and his reflexes apparently weren't too good and before he got very far he crashed the vehicle into a utility pole. Finding himself uninjured, our bozo simply jumped out of the car and fled. No problems, right? Wrong. When he ran away he left his wallet and cellphone inside the car. He's busted!

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today comes from Clarence, New York where an unidentified bozo dialed a number that he thought belonged to his drug dealer and told the person on the other end of the line that he was looking "to score" drugs. Unfortunately he mis-dialed and, instead of getting his dealer, he called the local "Crime Stoppers." The cop on the other end of the line played along and set up a meeting with undercover officers. In the spirit of the holiday season, the cops let our bozo off after he agreed to give them the right number this time for his drug dealer who was busted.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminals for today come from Edmond, Oklahoma where bozos Ailene Bowen and Shirley Tate tried to shoplift some items from the local TJ Maxx store. The items included four pair of boots, three pair of jeans, a wallet and gloves. You'd have to wonder where they would try to hide such a large number of items. You'd probably never think of the location. Our bozos tried to smuggle the items in the copious folds of fat on their bodies. Maybe they needed to gain a few more pounds. Security guards noticed their rather lumpy appearance and they were placed under arrest.

Bozo Criminal Report With the arrival of cold weather across the nation, it's once again time to point out that snow and bozos don't mix. From Bend, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Bobby Davis who broke into a business, took some cash and headed back to his motel room. This might have been a successful crime in the summer...but it's winter. And winter in Oregon means there could be snow on the ground. And there was. Police simply followed the tracks in the snow from the break in back to our bozo's motel room. He's under arrest.

Bozo Criminal Report Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today's report from Buffalo, New York. Bozo Edward Toll broke into a house by kicking in the front door. The noise awoke the female occupant who grabbed a baseball bat and chased him out of the house. Undeterred, our bozo regrouped and tried again, this time climbing through a window on the front of the residence. Or almost climbing through. Apparently that second helping of stuffing on Thanksgiving did him in. He got stuck halfway into the house. And that's exactly where the officers found him. He's under arrest and is no doubt considering the new Weight Watchers Points Plus program.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Gripperie-Saint-Symphorien, France, where a duck farmer had his farm raided by the police who found 12 marijuana plants and 11 pounds of bagged pot on the premises. It was when they tried to place him under arrest that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told the police that he fed the ducks marijuana to worm them. We've heard of "contented cows"...but "contented ducks"? Police didn't buy the excuse. He's busted!

Bozo Criminal Report With Thanksgiving rapidly approaching, we have an appropriate Bozo story for you today. From New York City comes the story of bozo Sal Leon who donned a mask, grabbed his gun and stormed into a pizzeria, demanding cash. He was handed a large bag by a pizza shop employee and quickly fled the scene. Um...maybe he asked for "dough" instead of "cash" because that's what he got. The bag was full of pizza dough. He's under arrest.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today proves once again that the old phrase, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again" doesn't apply in the Bozo World. From Kalamazoo, Michigan comes the story of bozo Charles Haskins who walked into a convenience store and demanded cash. The clerk told him no way and our bozo turned around and walked out. Thinking he would try a different approach, our bozo returned to the store a short time later and this time told the clerk he had a weapon and again demanded cash. The clerk again declined, but this time he had backup. The police he had called after the first robbery attempt arrived just as our bozo was leaving the store for the second time. He's under arrest.

Bozo Criminal Report No criminals involved in today's story, but there are still plenty of bozos to go around. From Weehawken, New Jersey comes the story of the Ladies of Envy dance troupe who had traveled all the way from Jacksonville, Florida to make an appearance on the BET Network's "106 & Park" show. Unfortunately, they were running late and you know how notoriously slow New York traffic is. After they got stuck in the tunnel that connects New Jersey and New York City, the dancers jumped out of their limo and decided to try to sprint to the TV studio. Unfortunately, they were wearing their camouflage dance costumes which attracted the attention of the Port Authority Police and the FBI-NYPD Joint Terrorism Task Force, who promptly gave chase. The resulting mayhem caused the tunnel to be closed for 45 minutes. It was all eventually sorted out, but not in time for the TV appearance. The disappointed dancers have headed back to Jacksonville.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today comes from Homestead, Pennsylvania, where bozo Thomas Carl walked into the local Subway and filled out a job application form. Guess he must have needed a job really bad because when they didn't hire him on the spot, he flashed a gun and held up the place, getting away with a small amount of cash. He forgot one small detail, however...that job application he filled out. With his mother's address and phone number on it. Mom told the cops where he could be found and he was placed under arrest.

Bozo Criminal Report Our bozo for today from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club doesn't exactly qualify as a criminal, but no doubt she's a bozo. From Lincoln, Nebraska, comes the story of bozo Tiffani Wheeler who was fed up with her boyfriend. So fed up, in fact, that she held him down and tried to slice a tattoo of her name off his neck. He was able to escape with only minor injuries. She's been ordered to stay away from sharp objects.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Tonypandy, Wales, where a bozo group of thieves made off with $11,000 worth of rings from a local jewelry store. Now, what do you do with a bunch hot jewelry? You try to sell it, of course. Maybe on eBay? Nope. Perhaps on the street corner? No. Try to sell it to another jewelry store? Yep, that's what they did. And to add to their problems, they tried to sell the hot merchandise at another branch of the same jewelry store they had just robbed. Bad idea. They're under arrest.

Bozo Criminal Report Now that all the passengers are home safe and sound from that ill-fated Carnival cruise, we can reveal that there was at least one Bozo on board. As the thousands of passengers were disembarking in San Diego, bozo Wendy Taylor was seen being taken off in handcuffs. It seems our unfortunate bozo didn't realize that a customs check is done on all passengers before they are allowed off the ship. And that's where her problems began. She was wanted in Las Vegas on a felony grand theft warrant. She's busted!

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today comes from Manchester, New Hampshire, where bozo Bonnie Cook robbed a pharmacy, getting away in her car. So far, so good, right? Well, not really. Several witnesses saw her toss the stolen items into her vehicle and speed away. And those witnesses were not only able to give the police a description of the car, they were also able to remember the license plate. You see, our bozo had personalized plates on her getaway vehicle. Personalized plates with her name on them. Oops. She's under arrest.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today comes from Lewiston, Idaho, where bozo Donald McMahon walked into a hotel, flashed a gun and demanded cash from the clerk. After getting his money, our bozo walked out of the hotel and right into the bar next door where he ordered himself a drink. Two mistakes here. The first mistake was not fleeing the scene immediately. The second was his appropriately named choice of bar. The place is called The Alibi Bar. This time the alibi didn't work. He's under arrest.

Bozo Criminal Report The Bozo Criminal Report is aware that the tradition of lighting up cigars to celebrate the birth of a child is on the wane but we don't think our bozo for today has come up with a replacement tradition. From Uniontown, Pennsylvania, comes the story of bozo Shane Tucker who felt the need to unwind after the birth of his new baby. So, he walked down to the designated smoking area of the hospital and lit up. A joint. A nurse noticed the aroma of marijuana and called the cops. The police weren't sympathetic. He's busted!

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today comes from Springfield, Massachusetts, where bozo Edward Blaine robbed a Chinese food delivery guy, getting away with a small amount of cash and his food order. Must have been some good food, too, as our bozo turned up at the restaurant a short time later for seconds. Unfortunately for him, the driver had returned to the restaurant and recognized him. Employees held our bozo until the cops arrived and placed him under arrest.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today proves that, once again, MySpace is about a day behind Facebook. You may remember yesterday's bozo was foiled by his Facebook account. And today, from Sugarloaf Key, Florida, comes the story of bozo Robert Ronson, who broke into a residence. While inside, he enjoyed some food, smoked a joint, and logged on to the homeowner's computer. Unfortunately, he forgot to turn off the computer when he left. Even more unfortunately, he left his MySpace account logged on. He was arrested by the cops less than two blocks from the residence.

Bozo Criminal Report Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today's report from Helena, Montana. Bozo Robert Crain had been on the run from the cops for 12 years, so you'd thing had had become pretty good at keeping a low profile. He had...until this whole Facebook thing caught on. And that's what got him into trouble. He set up a Facebook page in his own name and posted a complaint about the cold weather. When someone asked him where he was, he gave his actual location. California authorities heard about the posting, sent pictures of our bozo to the local police department and he was quickly arrested.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today comes from Lancaster, Pennsylvania, where 22 year-old bozo Kyle Ellis perhaps should have had a better getaway planned. Our bozo stole a lovely pair of size 10 women's high heels from a department store. And they looked so good that he decided to wear them out. Even in today's world, a man in high heels tends to attract attention. He was stopped outside the store and placed under arrest.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today fell victim to being in the wrong place at the wrong time. And did we mention he was also dead drunk? From Sharonville, Ohio, comes the story of bozo John Jamieson who was visiting friends when he drove to the store to pick up some cigarettes. Unfortunately, he had also picked up a few beers along the way and got lost on his way back. He decided to stop and rest and pulled into a driveway and went to sleep. One problem, the driveway he pulled into belonged to a deputy sheriff. He's busted!

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Les Cayes, Haiti, where the president of the country, Rene Preval, was visiting to view the progress being made after the city bore the brunt of a recent hurricane. The president was meeting with local officials when our bozo, Yvon Chery, showed up. This would not ordinarily be a problem as Mr. Chery is the town's mayor. Unfortunately, he is also a fugitive after being accused of shooting someone earlier this year. The president was aware of this fact and after he spotted our bozo, asked his chief of security, "Isn't there an arrest warrant out on him?" He was immediately taken into custody.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminals for today come from York, Pennsylvania, where bozos Shawn Crain and Zach Carter broke into their neighbor's house and stole a laptop computer, a safe, a pistol, some cash and a bag of marijuana. They would have probably gotten away with the heist if they hadn't taken the pot. The next morning when bozo Zach woke up he realized that bozo Shawn had smoked most all of the marijuana. A very raucous fight ensued and police were called to their apartment, where the stolen items were discovered and our bozos were placed under arrest.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 33498: Always choose a proper weapon. From DeLand, Florida, comes the story of an unidentified 16-year-old bozo who walked into a convenience store, threatened the clerk with a bottle of ranch dressing and demanded cash. Undaunted, the clerk threatened back with her weapon of choice, a gun. For those of you keeping score, a gun always trumps a bottle of ranch dressing. Our bozo was arrested as he was running from the store.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today from Missoula, Montana made a number of mistakes in his attempt to rob a bank. First, after getting his cash, he stopped at a nearby restaurant to have breakfast. Mistake number one. Then, when he was finished, he called a cab to take him back to his hotel. And on the way, he stopped to pick up some cigarettes at a convenience store. Mistake numbers two and three. And, that hotel, the Doubletree, just happened to be the hotel where the local police department was holding a training session. Mistake number four. Busted!

Bozo Criminal Report Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Hall for sending in today's report form Spokane, Washington. Bozo Donnell Washington had what he thought was the perfect plan for robbing a bank. He was wrong. Our bozo called the bank and told them that he would blow up a school if he didn't receive $10,000 in cash. He then gave them detailed information on how the cash should be delivered. He said someone should drive to his house, drop off the cash, honk two times and he'd come outside and pick up the money. And that's exactly what the cops did. Our bozo was arrested when he stepped outside his house.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today comes from Waterbury, Connecticut, where bozo Geraldo Fuentes burglarized three condos and fled with his loot in a pillowcase. A few hours later, he called the cops to report that his car had been stolen. Police found the car a short time later in the condo parking lot...with the stolen items still inside. Oops. He's under arrest.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminals for today from Las Vegas, Nevada prove that sometimes merely being in the wrong place at the wrong time can get you arrested. Officer Wayne Lucas works with his partner, K-9 Officer Boris. And like most K-9 officers, Boris gets to go home with his partner when they are off duty. One evening recently Boris shot across the back yard like a streak and began barking at the fence. The officer went outside and observed a couple of kids breaking into his neighbor's house. Oops. Chalk up another arrest thanks to Officer Boris.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 67123: You can't believe everything you see on TV. From Skokie, Illinois, comes the story of bozo Carlo Sanders who was working at a department store as an overnight switchboard operator. He attempted to steal $30,000 worth of merchandise by stashing it in a tote bag and then placing the bag in the mailroom. He then attempted to take the bag home with him the next day. Unfortunately the whole thing was caught on security cameras. After he was arrested he told the cops that these things always worked on the TV show "The Sopranos." Maybe he can get some advice from one of Tony's guys in jail.

Bozo Criminal Report Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today's report from El Paso, Texas. Noemi Darr and Luis Ortega made plans to rob a jewelry store. Well, "made plans" may have been too strong a term. Bozo Noemi was wheeled up to the front door of the store in her wheelchair by bozo Luis. She then got out of her chair, covered her head and upper body with a large trash bag and entered the store. Her accomplice remained outside, driving the getaway chair. Once inside, she pulled a kitchen knife on the clerk and demanded "everything." The store owner was having none of it and pointed a stun gun on our bozo. At this point bozo Noemi thought better of her plan and tried to run out of the store, but the garbage bag limited her ability to run. She was quickly tackled and held down until the cops arrived. Bozo Luis was apparently unaware of what was going on. He was still waiting outside with the wheelchair when the cops arrived. They're under arrest.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today comes from Redwood City, California, where an unidentified 19-year-old walked up to a police car and asked for a ride. The officer asked our bozo if he was carrying anything illegal. Our bozo replied, "Yes," before backtracking and changing his answer to "No." The officer decided it might be a good idea to check him out and he found a baggie of cocaine in his pocket. Busted! Next time he should consider calling a cab.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today from Lockland, Ohio, violated Bozo Rule Number 113767: Never ask an unnecessary question. Officers on patrol were flagged down by 44-year-old bozo Selma Ellis. She walked up to the vehicle, gave her name, and asked the officer if there were any warrants out for her arrest. The answer was yes. Oops. She's busted.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today comes from Port St. Lucie, Florida, where bozo Kathryn Hill was arrested after selling a bag of oxycodone pills to an undercover officer. The officer also seized $1300 in cash that he suspected had been used for illegal drug activity. When asked where she got the money, our bozo offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told the officer "the tooth fairy gave it" to her. She's busted.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminals for today come from Miami, Florida, where this bunch thought they had it all planned out. They carefully staked out the bank branch they wanted to rob. Then, they scheduled their robbery for Sunday morning when there would be no one around. Two of them entered the bank through the ceiling while another bozo remained outside, on lookout. Well, sort of on lookout. At least until he fell asleep. Police responding to an alarm found him snoring in the getaway vehicle. They also found his accomplices inside the bank. They're all under arrest.

Bozo Criminal Report Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Pete Unger for sending in today's report from the International File in Calgary, Canada. An unidentified bozo noticed a traffic camera flash as he drove through an intersection. Thinking he was not speeding, he turned around and drove past the camera again, this time driving below the speed limit. Again, the camera flashed. He then turned around and drove past the camera a third time, going even slower this time. Again, the camera snapped his picture. A couple of weeks later, he got three tickets in the mail for not wearing a seat belt.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today isn't really a criminal but he definitely fills the bozo bill. From Olympia, Washington, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who showed up at the Highway Patrol office to apply for a job. Part of the job interview involved taking a polygraph test. It was while he was hooked up to the lie detector that a Highway Patrol employee arrived and noticed a book in the front seat of the car parked next to hers. The title of the book, in big bold print, "How to Beat the Lie Detector." She informed the person administering the test of what she had seen and he asked our bozo if he had been looking at any research materials before taking the test. He said no. Apparently the book's advice didn't work. He was then told he'd no longer be considered for the job.

Bozo Criminal Report Bozo criminal for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 223090: Get permission first before using your girlfriend's privates as a drug repository. Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today's report from Portland, Oregon. Bozo Luke Ward was pulled over by the cops and before they reached the car our bozo grabbed a large bag of cocaine and stuffed it up his girlfriend's dress. When the officer stepped up to the car, the obviously miffed girlfriend told him she had a stash of drugs in her underwear and that they were placed there by her boyfriend. After the officer confirmed the presence of the drugs our bozo was busted. In spite of her help, the girlfriend was also placed under arrest, for a probation violation.

Bozo Criminal Report Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today's report from Chicago, Illinois where bozo Jimmy McDonald spotted a parked ambulance and thought it might be fun to take it for a spin. He hopped in, turned on the lights and drove off. Unfortunately, he didn't take a look in the back before climbing in. Paramedics working on a patient called the cops and our bozo was quickly apprehended. He offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week by telling the cops he was simply driving a friend to the hospital. They told him to leave the driving to professionals. He's under arrest.