The Dreyer Drive Podcast

The 50th Episode: A Monument to Mediocrity and Sibling ChaosI don’t know if you’re aware, like, actually aware, but we just hit episode 50. Which, for the record, took us two full years to accomplish. I’ve seen people on the podcasting subreddit hit 50 episodes in, like, three weeks. First of all, calm down, no one is that interesting. But also, wait, are we just… extremely slow? Is this an us problem? Spoiler alert: it’s definitely a us problem.But here we are. Fifty episodes of… whatever this is. Jacqueline calls it “secondhand therapy,” which I love, because it implies that one of us is actually going to therapy and then just, debriefing the rest of us so we can all benefit without doing any of the emotional labor ourselves. Which, honestly, is just the cost effective way of doing therapy. Why work on yourself when you can just absorb the insights one of your siblings got from their therapist and call it a day?The Notes App Incident, or: Why Jacqueline Can Never Be Trusted with ContextSo Jacqueline tried to do what I do: keep notes throughout the week of funny things to talk about on the podcast. And I swear to you, this is true, she pulled up her notes before we recorded and nothing made sense. Not a single bullet point.Here’s what she wrote:* “Tell Ryan on the podcast that Justin committed to the bit and pretended to go into a port-a-potty.”* “Pod, pod, Lawrence Fishburne and Justin’s tooth spray tan.”* “Tell the joke about being traumatized by Bonnie Porter.”* “Subway Nachos.”* “I’m like, what was I talking about?”I’m sorry, what?Jacqueline, in a moment of clarity, was like, “Yeah, I don’t know what any of this means either.” And I’m sitting there trying to reverse-engineer the story like I’m some kind of podcast archaeologist. So Justin went into a port-a-potty as a bit, came out going “ooh, tinky” with toilet paper on his shoe, and somehow this connects to Lawrence Fishburne and a spray-tanned tooth? And also… Subway Nachos? For the record, I spent way too much time imagining Justin emerging from a porta-potty like he’d just exited the Matrix, pants down, one tooth weirdly tan, quoting Morpheus. Annnnnd that’s the quality content you subscribe to.The Canadian Heritage Moment That Made Me Cry at Swimming ClassOkay, so speaking of crying, and I do a lot of that, just not on the podcast, which is more than I can say for the other host, I was at my daughter’s swimming class the other day, and I’m scrolling Instagram like a normal person, and I see that Canada is doing new Heritage Moments. If you don’t know what those are, first of all, I’m sorry for you. They’re these short historical reenactments that aired on Canadian TV in the ‘90s and early 2000s, and they were wildly emotional for no reason. Like, you’d be watching YTV, and suddenly you’re sobbing over a dude making a basketball net from a peach basket and casually inventing the sport of basketball.So this new one is about Gander, Newfoundland, and 9/11. For people who aren’t familiar, and honestly, if you’re Canadian, you should be, Gander is this tiny town in Newfoundland, with a population of like 12,000 people, that took in 6,000 passengers when all the planes in the air on 9/11 were rerouted. The population of Gander basically grew by half overnight, and the people there just… opened their homes. Fed people. Let them sleep on their couches. Made potato-based soups and probably a lot of fish. Very Newfoundland. Very Canadian.And I’m watching this at Noa’s swimming class, and I’m like, okay, Ryan, do not cry right now. You’re in public. You’re surrounded by other parents. But it was a triple punch: * It’s an incredible moment in history.* The format is pure nostalgia.* I’m not a homesick person, but it tugged at that one little thread. Like, remember where you came from? Remember the kind of people you grew up around?And then I thought about how relations between Canada and the U.S. are… not great right now. And seeing Canadians be so kind to Americans in their moment of need just what the world, and I, needed. I was sitting there with my phone sideways, trying not to tame my chin quiver while Noa practiced her backstroke.Anyway, if you haven’t seen it, here you go, watch it. Just… maybe not in public.The Red Paint Egg Incident, or: How I Became a Criminal Mastermind at Age 10So we were talking about the dumbest things we’ve convinced our siblings to do, and I had to bring up the time I convinced Jacqueline to pull her pants down and moon a car. Which, for the record, I did not also do. I spun around, pointed at her, and yelled, “I can’t believe you did it!” and then ran inside to tell our mom. Peak older brother energy.But that’s not even the worst thing I did. The worst thing I did that I can share on this podcast, and I’m not proud of this, but I’m also kind of proud of it, is the red paint egg incident.OWhen I was, like, 10 or 11, I was hanging out with my older brother and the “bad kids” in South Ajax. Not, like, actually bad, but bad enough that we thought egging cars was the height of rebellion. And I had this idea, genius idea, truly, where we’d blow the yolk out of the eggs, fill them with red paint, and throw those* at cars instead.Because, you know, yolk is easy to clean off. Red paint? Not so much.So we did it. We threw a red paint egg at one car, and the guy lost his mind. He pulled over, got out, saw the red splatter on his car, and chased us like we’d just forged his signature on some bearer bonds. We ran through catwalks, hid in garbage cans, the whole thing. My mouth went completely dry, you know, that thing where you realize you’ve done something genuinely bad and all the moisture just vanishes from your body. We were fugitives. We were on the run.And to this day, I think about that guy. I hope he’s okay. I hope he got the paint off. I hope he’s not still traumatized.Dallin and the Adoption Bit, or: Emotional Warfare at Its FinestJacqueline’s contribution to this category was dark. Genuinely.She used to convince Dallin that he was adopted. Regularly. She’d walk into his room, super casual, and be like, “Hey, so Mom wanted me to tell you, your real parents are coming to pick you up.”And Dallin would lose it. He’d go crying to Mom, and our Mom would be like, “Jacqueline, stop telling Dallin he’s adopted.” And Jacqueline would double down. She’d be like, “Mom, we agreed we’d tell him when he was ten. We’re doing it now. His parents are going to be here any minute.”Dallin, if you’re listening: you’re not adopted. Probably. I mean, statistically speaking, you’re probably not.---The Most Brother Thing a Brother Can DoOkay, so Jacqueline asked me what the most “brother” thing a brother can do is, and honestly, there are so many examples. But I have to go with Jonathan driving across the border to Buffalo to pick up Seiko when her travel paperwork got messed up. Like, I was sobbing on the phone to him, full hyperventilating, and he just… handled it. Got in a rental car, drove to Buffalo, smuggled my wife across the border (legally, but still), and brought her home for Christmas. That’s peak brother energy. That’s the kind of thing where you’re like, okay, I owe you forever now. I will never be able to repay this debt.And then Jacqueline told the story about Daniel making some kid get on his knees and apologize to her in front of everyone at Coffee Time because the kid took her seat in math class. Which is… insane, actually. That kid was 14, Daniel was 18, and he made him kneel. But also? Kind of the most brother thing ever. Because even though Daniel and Jacqueline didn’t get along at all in high school, he still wasn’t going to let someone disrespect her. That was his job.What We Have in Common, or: Anxiety and Rage (The Porter Family Motto)We ended on a surprisingly wholesome note by talking about what we all have in common. And honestly, the through line for all five Porter siblings is pretty simple: anxiety and rage.Like, we’re all deeply anxious people who also have incredibly short fuses. It’s a fun combination. It keeps things spicy.But beyond that, I think we all share a sense of humor that’s rooted in finding the absurdity in genuinely bad situations. Like, when something goes wrong, we don’t just accept it, we lean into it. It becomes another bit. And I think that’s the thing I’m most grateful for. Because life is… a lot. And having siblings who can laugh at the same ridiculous stuff you’re laughing at? That’s everything.Call to Action (Because Apparently We Have to Do This)If you’ve made it this far, first of all, thank you. Really. Whether you’ve listened to one episode or all 50, whether you’ve listened at 1.75x speed (Jacqueline, I’m looking at you), or whether you just skim the Substack posts, we appreciate you.If you haven’t already, go subscribe to the podcast. Leave us a five-star rating. Tell your siblings to listen. Start your own sibling podcast and try to compete with us (you won’t, but go ahead and try).And if you have a sibling story, something ridiculous, something sweet, something that made you realize your family is just as unhinged as ours, leave a comment. I want to hear it.Because at the end of the day, that’s what this whole thing is about: siblings, and the chaos they bring, and the fact that we wouldn’t have it any other way.Stay crispy.---Question for you: What’s the most “sibling” thing your sibling has ever done for you? Or to you? Because honestly, both are valid.--- This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

Sooooo I need to tell you about something that happened yesterday at the gym, and I swear this is going somewhere, just, hold on.I’m standing at the entrance, right? There’s these acrylic gates, wait, is acrylic the right word? Like, see-through plastic gates that swing open when you scan your pass. And I’m holding my gym card up to this metal post, just waving it around like I’m trying to summon something, doing this full circular Ouija board motion on top of the post because I have no idea where the scanner actually is. Ten seconds into this performance, I realize I look completely unhinged, so I just... abort mission. Run through the exit gate. Don’t look back.The thing is, and this is what I need you to understand, I wasn’t trying to be the best at going to the gym. I just wanted to be the best at scanning into the gym. Which is such a low bar, but somehow I still, metaphorically, tripped over it, face-planted, and then had a man literally laughing at me as I fled up the stairs.And like, why? Why do I care this much about a thing that objectively does not matter? Why did I spend my entire workout replaying that thirty-second disaster in my head, constructing elaborate narratives about how everyone at the gym now thinks I’m the stupidest person alive and probably shouldn’t be allowed in public?I don’t know. But I know my brother Ryan gets it, because he’s the same way, which is probably why we spend 90 minutes every couple of weeks talking about the absolutely unhinged ways our brains betray us.The Recording That Wasn’tBefore we get into the actual thing I want to talk about today, which is the Mandela Effect and how our entire generation has been collectively gaslit by our own memories, I need to acknowledge that Ryan and I recorded this episode twice.Well, we thought we recorded it the first time. Turns out we spent an hour having what we believed was a podcast conversation, complete with all the energy and storytelling and sibling banter, and then realized... we’d recorded thirteen minutes. Thirteen minutes of a 60-minute conversation.So we had to run it back. Retell the same stories. Try to recapture the same energy. Which, honestly, is very on-brand for a podcast about how unreliable memory is, because by the second telling, who even knows what actually happened the first time?This is the quality content you subscribe to, by the way.The Berenstain Bears Broke My BrainLet me ask you a question, and I want you to answer before you Google it: How do you spell Berenstain Bears?If you said B-E-R-E-N-S-T-E-I-N, congratulations, you, like Ryan, are wrong, and also you’ve just experienced the Mandela Effect.It’s Berenstain. With an A. Berenstain Bears. The authors’ names are Stan and Jan Berenstain, and according to them, it has always been spelled that way, and they have no idea why an entire generation of people remember it as Berenstein.I’m not joking when I say this one broke me. I read every single one of those books as a kid, checked them out from the Southwood library on repeat, probably read each one a hundred times, and I would have bet actual money that it was Berenstein. I can see it in my head. The cover. The font. The -stein.But it’s not real. It never was.When Ryan and I talked about this on the podcast, I could hear the confusion in his voice. Even looking at the actual logo, the real one, the one that exists in this dimension, his brain was like, “No. That’s the fake one. Someone changed it.”And that’s the thing about the Mandela Effect. It’s not just misremembering a detail. It’s having a vivid, specific, confident memory of something... that never happened.What Even Is the Mandela Effect?The term was coined by Fiona Broome, a paranormal researcher, after she realized she had a clear memory of Nelson Mandela dying in prison in the 1990s. Except... he didn’t. He was very much alive and became the president of South Africa.But when she mentioned this false memory to other people, they remembered it too. A whole group of people, all confident in the same incorrect version of events.And that’s the Mandela Effect: a shared false memory. A collective glitch in how our brains store and retrieve information.What’s wild is that this seems to be a specifically millennial phenomenon. Not because older or younger generations don’t misremember things, but because we had this very specific media landscape growing up—limited options, repetitive exposure, monolithic pop culture. We all watched the same shows, ate the same snacks, saw the same commercials on loop. Our brains were all being shaped by the same inputs, which means when we misremember something, we tend to misremember it the same way.Plus, we’re super nostalgic. We love to revisit the stuff from our childhood, which means we’re constantly reinforcing these memories, real or imagined, over and over again.Your Brain Is Lazy (And a Liar)Here’s the thing about memory that I learned while going down this rabbit hole: your brain does not care about accuracy. It cares about efficiency.So when there’s a gap in your memory, which there always is, because your brain can’t store every single detail of every single experience, it just... fills it in. Takes a shortcut. Grabs something that feels right and slots it into place.And the thing is, your brain is so confident about it. It’s not like your brain is sitting there going, “Hmm, I’m not totally sure, but I think this is what happened.” No. Your brain is like, “This is 100% what happened. I was there. I remember.”Except you don’t. You’re remembering a story your brain made up to fill a gap.There’s actually a test for this, it’s called the DRM paradigm. Researchers give you a list of related words (like “bed,” “rest,” “awake,” “tired,” “dream,” “blanket,” etc.) and then ask you to recall them. And what happens is that people confidently recall words that were never on the list, like “sleep”, because their brain heard all those related words and just... assumed.When we tried this on the podcast, Ryan did exactly that. I never said “sleep.” But his brain filled in the gap, and he was sure he’d heard it.That’s the Mandela Effect in a nutshell.The Greatest Hits (Or: Things That Never Actually Existed)So beyond Berenstain Bears, what are the big ones? The Mandela Effects that haunt an entire generation?The Fruit of the Loom LogoQuick, picture the Fruit of the Loom logo. What do you see?If you said “a bunch of fruit in a cornucopia,” you’re not alone. But also? There has never been a cornucopia in the Fruit of the Loom logo. Ever. The company has confirmed this multiple times. It’s always just been fruit.But people are so sure about the cornucopia that they’ve gone back and checked their old clothes from the ‘80s and ‘90s, thinking maybe it was a thing back then. Nope. Never happened.Why do we all remember it? Because our brains saw a pile of fruit and thought, “What normally holds fruit? A basket. A cornucopia.” And then just... put it there.“Luke, I Am Your Father”Except Darth Vader never says that.What he actually says is, “No, I am your father.”But we all remember “Luke, I am your father” because that’s how it got referenced in other movies and TV shows. Chris Farley does it in Tommy Boy when he’s talking into the fan. And once that version gets repeated enough, it becomes the version we remember, even though it’s not the version that exists in the actual movie.Shazam vs. KazaamThis one messed Ryan up bad.There was a movie in the ‘90s called Kazaam starring Shaquille O’Neal as a genie. That part is real.But a huge number of people, myself included, have a clear memory of another genie movie from around the same time called Shazam, starring Sinbad.Except that movie does not exist. It never existed. Sinbad has confirmed this. There’s no record of it anywhere.And yet people remember it so vividly that there are entire Reddit threads debating whether the movie was somehow scrubbed from existence or if we’ve all slipped into an alternate dimension.(For the record: it’s probably just that Sinbad wore a lot of colorful, genie-adjacent outfits in the ‘90s, and our brains mashed that together with the actual Shaq movie and created a false memory. But honestly? The alternate dimension theory is more fun.)Why This Feels PersonalI think the reason the Mandela Effect hits so hard, especially for millennials, is because it’s not just about misremembering a logo or a movie quote. It’s about realizing that the stories we tell ourselves about our own lives might also be... unreliable.Like, if I can be that confident that the Berenstain Bears were spelled with an E, what else am I wrong about? What other memories have I constructed or edited or invented without realizing it?Ryan and I talk about this all the time on the podcast, how the stories we tell about our childhood have been honed over the years, smoothed down, turned into performance pieces. We’re “playing the hits,” as we say. But at a certain point, are we even remembering the thing that happened? Or are we just remembering the story we’ve told about the thing that happened?I don’t know. And honestly, that kind of freaks me out.But also, and this is where I land every time, I think there’s something kind of beautiful about it. About how our brains are constantly trying to make sense of the chaos, filling in gaps, creating narratives, connecting dots that maybe don’t actually connect. We’re all just walking around with these elaborate, confidently-told stories that are part truth, part imagination, part borrowed memory from someone else’s version of events.And maybe that’s okay.Or maybe we’re all living in different dimensions and the Berenstain Bears are spelled with an E somewhere out there in the multiverse.I’m choosing to believe both.A Question for YouSo here’s what I want to know: What’s your Mandela Effect? What’s the thing you were absolutely, 100%, would-bet-money-on-it sure about... until you found out you were wrong?Because I guarantee you have one. We all do.Maybe it’s a logo. Maybe it’s a movie quote. Maybe it’s a memory from childhood that your siblings swear happened completely differently.Whatever it is, I want to hear about it. Drop it in the comments, send us a message, let’s build a whole archive of collective false memories and feel gaslit together.Also: if you’re enjoying these deep dives into the weird ways our brains betray us, please subscribe to the podcast and leave us a 5-star rating. It helps other people find us, and also it makes us feel like we’re doing a good job, which, given that we just spent an hour recording a podcast that we forgot to actually record, is something we could really use right now.Stay crispy,Jacqueline--- This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

So, I don’t know how to start this, so I’m just going to say it: I recently climbed a mountain that made me question every life choice I’ve ever made, and then I came home and watched Ernest Goes to Camp and cried during a song about rain. This is the quality content you subscribe to.---Wait, Hold On. Let’s Back UpSo, first of all, Mount Nebo. For the record, I didn’t think I was climbing the highest peak in Utah. I thought I was going on, like, a cute hike. A fun girl’s day. Maybe we’d see some wildflowers. Maybe I’d get some Instagram content out of it. Instead, I got altitude sickness, a bruised spine, and the humbling realization that I am not, in fact, “pretty good at hiking” just because I live on a mountain and walk my dog sometimes.The false summit alone—don’t even get me started. You think you’re done. You think you’ve made it. You’re standing there like a sweaty, out-of-breath idiot, and then some guy with walking poles is like, “Oh, that’s not the summit. That’s just the thing you have to climb to get to the summit.” And you’re like, I’m sorry, what?I wanted to die. Multiple times. I told my friends to leave me. I was ready to just sit on a rock and become part of the mountain. But we made it. And when I got to the top, I yelled “HELLO, AUNTIE GAYLE” as loud as I could, because that’s what you do when you’re at the highest point you’ve ever been and you remember your aunt telling you as a kid that if you yell her name from anywhere, she’ll hear you. Spoiler alert: She did not text me.---Okay, Cool—Now Let’s Talk About ErnestAfter all that, I came home and watched Ernest Goes to Camp and what I was not prepared for: it’s actually good. Like, genuinely funny. I laughed out loud multiple times. My ten-year-old son is now obsessed. And I realized that this movie—this goofy, $3.5 million budget, kids-making-Molotov-cocktails movie—might be one of the most earnest (pun intended) things I’ve ever watched.Jim Varney, who played Ernest, was a classically trained Shakespearean actor. He wanted to play Hamlet. Instead, he became a guy in a denim vest who talked to the camera and did commercials for dairies and HVAC companies. And he hated being pigeonholed by the character. But you know what he did anyway? He showed up. For hundreds of Make-A-Wish kids. He gave a terminally ill eight-year-old girl birthstone earrings so she could wear them in her casket. He went to the Toy Story 2 premiere bald from chemo treatment and died a few months later at 50. His gravestone says, “Suffer the little children to come unto me.”I’m not crying. You’re crying.---The Part Where I Confess Something UnhingedOkay, we’re all sharing and being vulnerable right? Right?? I need to tell you something. And I swear to you, this is true. I’m not making this up.When I was a kid, I had this white wrought-iron bed with three gold balls on the bedposts. And I assigned them personalities. They were Alvin, Simon, and Theodore. From Alvin and the Chipmunks. Except they weren’t chipmunks. They were literally just gold spheres sitting on top of white posts. And I had a crush on Alvin. The gold ball. The bedpost ornament.I don’t think I’ve ever said that out loud before.But here’s the thing: Ernest is kind of like that. He’s this character who’s so earnest, so genuinely, deeply kind, that he makes you believe in things that don’t make sense. Like bedpost chipmunks. Or turtles in parachutes. Or the idea that a bunch of juvenile delinquents and a guy who plunges toilets for a living can save a summer camp by building catapults and singing about rain.---“I’m Awfully Glad It’s Raining”—A Scene That Shouldn’t Work But DoesThere’s this scene in the movie where Ernest is trying to win over the Second Chancers, these kids from juvie who’ve been written off by everyone. And he sings this song called “I’m Awfully Glad It’s Raining.” It’s an original song written for the movie. Jim Varney did it in one take. The cast and crew were crying.And here’s the thing: it works. It shouldn’t. This is a movie where a guy gets a turtle stuck to his nose and later stages a coup involving golf carts and Molotov cocktails. But for three minutes, it’s the most genuine, tender thing you’ve ever seen. It’s the moment where everyone, the kids, the audience, me sitting on my couch with my notes, buys into Ernest completely.That’s the magic of the character. He treats everyone the same. He doesn’t pass judgment. He doesn’t condescend. He just shows up and tries his best, even when his best involves accidentally convincing a Native American chief to sign away land rights because he doesn’t understand what’s happening.(Also, yes, there are some… choices in this movie that didn’t age great. But somehow, Ernest’s heart is so pure that you kind of forgive it? I don’t know. It’s weird.)---What Happened to Montages and Builder Culture?One thing that struck me watching this as an adult: what happened to montages? This movie has, like, four of them. The “I’m Awfully Glad It’s Raining” montage. The “We Are Bravehearts” montage where they’re building weapons out of junk. The golf cart crashing through various scenes like a recurring gag. And not just montages, builder montages. You know, where characters just… make stuff. With their hands. Kevin McCallister booby-trapping his house. Ernest and the Second Chancers constructing elaborate catapults and smoke bombs. There’s something so satisfying about watching characters solve problems by building things, and I feel like we’ve lost that. Now it’s all CGI and someone explaining the plan out loud while pointing at a hologram.Also, in the 80s and 90s, we just let kids do way more dangerous stuff in movies. Like, these children are literally making Molotov cocktails and launching turtles in parachutes at construction workers. Can you imagine that getting greenlit today? Absolutely not. Liability killed builder culture, dot dot dot.---Why This Movie Still Holds Up (And Why You Should Watch It Again)Here’s what I think: Ernest Goes to Camp works because it’s about something real. It’s about a guy who wants to matter. Who wants to be seen. Who’s been told his whole life that he’s not good enough, and then he gets one shot to prove himself, and he does it by just… being kind. By showing up. By treating people, especially people everyone else has written off, with dignity.And yeah, it’s also about a guy who breaks his nose on camera (that punch is real, by the way, you can hear the crack) and makes jokes about quiche and Vietnam and gets chased by a driverless golf cart. But that’s the thing about Ernest: he’s both. He’s the guy who makes you laugh and the guy who makes you cry during a song about rain.Also, Jim Varney had a photographic memory and could deliver entire scripts in one take, which is wild. And he was one of the most requested Make-A-Wish visits of his era. And he hated being Ernest but kept doing it anyway because kids loved him. Truly, what a guy.---A Brief Digression About My Brother, the EngineerSo Ryan recently got recategorized by the Japanese government as an engineer. He’s never been an engineer. He “manages” engineers. But he updated his LinkedIn immediately and started joining Facebook groups for engineers in Japan. He also designed a house on a napkin and had AI render it, and the AI gave him three luxury cars in the garage. I just think that’s the kind of confidence we should all have. Like Ernest-level confidence. The kind where you’re like, “Yeah, I’m an engineer now,” and you just believe it.(For the record, I would 100% go into business with Ryan. We’d open a grocery store. I’d run the deli. He’d run produce. We’d constantly have to explain that we’re siblings, not married.)---The Unhinged Text Message of the WeekRyan sent me a photo of his daughter’s sticker album. The cover says “Let’s Be Natural” and features several rabbits saying things like “delicious,” “tender feelings,” “carefree living” (while hiding its face sadly), and my personal favorite: “there are many things I want to do.”Tag yourself. I’m the bunny who says there are many things I want to do but gives no indication what those things are.---So, What’s the Takeaway Here?I don’t know. I climbed a mountain and almost died. I came home and watched a movie about a janitor who saves a camp by being kind. I confessed to having a childhood crush on a bedpost. My brother is now an engineer. I think the point is: Ernest Goes to Camp holds up. It’s funny. It’s sweet. It’s got heart. And if you haven’t watched it in 30 years, you should. Bring tissues for the rain song. Bring your kids. Bring your sense of wonder about a time when movies let children build catapults and launch turtles at bad guys.And if you see a mountain, maybe just… don’t climb it.Or do. I don’t know. There are many things I want to do.---Now go watch Ernest Goes to Camp. Subscribe to the podcast. Leave us a five-star review. And tell me: which rabbit are you?Stay crispy.--- This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

When Your Brother Becomes the Biggest Star on Earth (And You’re Just Jermaine)I was sitting in a movie theater three weeks ago, wait, hold on, it was actually four weeks ago because I forgot the movie came out and then remembered and had to scramble to find tickets, watching Michael, and I had this thought that I couldn’t shake for like six straight days afterwards. Like, it just lived in my brain, rent-free, taking up space where useful information should go.The thought was this: What does it feel like when your little brother becomes Michael Jackson?Not just famous. Not just successful. But like, the most recognizable human being on the planet. The guy who can’t go to a grocery store. The guy whose face is on lunch boxes in Slovakia and Guatemala and, according to Ryan, this is true, he’s heard “Billie Jean” blasting from a street vendor’s radio in rural Japan at 7 a.m. on a Tuesday. Michael Jackson is everywhere. He transcends. He’s not a person anymore; he’s a weather system.And you’re Jermaine.The One Who Was Supposed to Be The OneHere’s the thing about the Jackson Five that I didn’t fully understand until I fell down this research rabbit hole (and by “research rabbit hole,” I mean I watched like 90 minutes of interviews on YouTube at 1.75x speed while folding laundry, and eating french fries, which is basically a doctorate, right?): Jermaine was supposed to be the lead singer.Like, that was the plan. Joe Jackson, their father, who we’re not going to get into because that’s a whole separate nightmare, thought Jermaine was the most talented. Jermaine had the voice. He was older. He was teenage-heartthrob material. He was the guy. And then Michael gets on stage, and Michael can move, and suddenly the entire trajectory shifts. Not gradually. Immediately. The crowd goes insane. The plan changes. And Jermaine is... still there. Still singing. Still performing. But no longer the guy.I don’t know how you recover from that.Actually, I do know, because Jermaine spent the next 40 years not recovering from it.---A Sibling Rivalry Disguised as a CareerSo here’s what happens: The Jackson Five signs with Motown in 1968. They’re huge. Seventeen top-40 singles in five years. Michael is clearly the star, but they’re all in it together, right? It’s a family thing. It’s the Jackson Five. Emphasis on five.Then in 1975, the group decides to leave Motown and sign with Epic Records. Better deal. More creative control. Standard music industry stuff. Except, and this is where it gets messy, Jermaine is married to the daughter of Berry Gordy, the guy who owns Motown. So Jermaine stays. He chooses loyalty to his father-in-law over his brothers. He goes solo. He stays at Motown as a solo artist.And honestly? I get it. I understand the impulse. You’re in this impossible position where your family is leaving, but your other family (your wife’s family) is staying, and also you’ve been living in Michael’s shadow for seven years and maybe, maybe, this is your chance to step out and be your own guy. To prove that you were always talented. That it wasn’t just Michael. That you could have been the one.Spoiler alert: it doesn’t really work.---Jermaine releases records. They’re fine. They’re not bad. But they’re not Bad records, and that’s the problem. Because the industry, and the culture, and the fans, they’re not comparing Jermaine to other solo artists. They’re comparing him to his little brother, who is currently in the process of becoming the biggest entertainer in human history.In 1976, Jermaine releases a solo album. Michael releases a solo album. The labels literally pit them against each other as a marketing strategy. “Which Jackson will sell more?” It’s cruel. It’s calculated. And obviously, Michael wins.By the time Thriller drops in 1982, it’s not even a competition anymore. Michael is on another planet. And Jermaine is still here. Still trying. Still releasing music. Still getting name-dropped in hip-hop songs as the “real Jackson brother,” the street guy, the one who got screwed. Which is... something? I guess?---The Victory Tour (Or: How to Ruin a Family Reunion)Fast forward to 1984. Joe Jackson, again, we’re not unpacking Joe Jackson in this essay, but just know he’s a lot, forces Michael to do the Victory Tour. Michael does not want to do this. He’s riding high on Thriller. He wants to be a solo artist. He doesn’t want to be in the Jackson Five anymore. But the family needs money, so they guilt him into it. “Do it for us. Do it for your brothers.”All six Jackson brothers reunite for the tour. Including Jermaine. Who, by the way, is not speaking to Michael at this time, They do 55 concerts. They gross $75 million (which is like $232 million in today’s money, which is absolutely bonkers). Michael refuses to rehearse. He shows up, does the show, and leaves. And then, after the 55th show, Michael announces on stage, on stage, in front of everyone, without consulting anyone, that this is the last concert. No European leg. No Australian leg. We’re done.The family is furious. Jermaine is furious. But what are they going to do? He’s Michael Jackson. He just unilaterally ended the tour, and that’s that.---Word to the Badd (Or: How to Write a Diss Track About Your Brother and Pretend It Leaked)Okay, so this is where it gets truly unhinged.It’s 1991. Jermaine signs with LaFace Records as their first artist. This is supposed to be his big comeback. Except Michael finds out and immediately flies the founders of LaFace—L.A. Reid and Babyface—out to Neverland Ranch for three weeks. They work on songs together. None of the songs get released. But the point is, Michael ties them up so they can’t work on Jermaine’s record. It’s petty. It’s calculated. It’s siblings at their absolute worst.Jermaine finds out and is like, “Release me from this contract. I don’t want to work with you if this is how it’s going to be.”And then Jermaine writes a song called “Word to the Badd.”Let me read you some of the lyrics, because I need you to understand how specific this is:”Reconstructed, been abducted, don’t know who you are Think they love you, they don’t know you, lonely stoop superstar Never think about who you love, only think about number one You forget where you started from, you only care about what you want.”And then, and then, there’s this verse:”Once you were made, you changed your shade, was your color wrong? Could not turn back, it’s a known fact, you are too far gone.”Which is a reference to Michael’s changing appearance, which is... I mean, come on. That’s your brother.And then, because apparently Jermaine wasn’t done, there’s a line that goes:”The glass has gotten shady, time to make it clear Clean it up, let’s start with the man in the mirror.”Which is a direct shot at Michael’s song “Man in the Mirror.” Like, he’s not even being subtle. He’s quoting Michael’s own lyrics back at him as an insult.---The song “leaks” to radio stations. They start playing it back-to-back with Michael’s new single “Black or White” to stir up drama. To this day, Jermaine swears he never intended for anyone to hear it. He says it was just for him. A personal thing. A way to process his feelings.Sure, Jermaine. Sure.Michael is furious. He uses his industry pull to get the song pulled from the air. He tells radio stations, “If you ever play this again, you’ll never play my music.” And that’s that. The song disappears.But the damage is done. They don’t speak for years.---The Part Where It Gets SadHere’s the thing I keep thinking about: Jermaine wasn’t wrong. Like, objectively, Michael did distance himself from the family. He did prioritize his solo career. He did stop showing up for them in the way they wanted him to. And yes, Michael was paying for the house Jermaine lived in, $25,000 a month, but that’s also kind of the problem, right? Because it’s this constant reminder that Jermaine needs Michael. That he’s dependent on him. That no matter what he does, he’ll always be “Michael Jackson’s brother.”And I don’t know how you live with that. I don’t know how you reconcile being talented, being legitimately talented, and still living in someone else’s shadow. Especially when that someone is your little brother. The one you were supposed to protect. The one you were supposed to lead.---By the time Michael dies in 2009, they still haven’t fully patched things up. There’s a reunion concert in 2001, the 30th anniversary special at Madison Square Garden, where they perform together and act like everything’s fine, but behind the scenes, it’s all contracts and lawyers and stipulations about how they’ll interact. It’s not real. It’s performance.Jermaine writes a memoir in 2011 called You Are Not Alone: Michael Jackson Through a Brother’s Eyes. He does interviews where he talks about how their relationship was complicated but ultimately, brotherhood was more important than anything. He says all the right things. But you can tell, at least, I can tell, that he’s still processing it. Still trying to figure out how to be Jermaine Jackson and not just “the other Jackson brother.”---The Michael Movie (And Why Janet Stayed Home)So when I went to see Michael a few weeks ago, again, forgot it came out, had to scramble for tickets, this is the quality content you subscribe to, I noticed something immediately: Janet Jackson is not in it. At all. She’s not even mentioned. Which is wild, because Janet and Michael were close. Like, genuinely close. Michael always said she was the person he trusted most in the world.But Janet refused to be part of the movie. And when I looked into why, I found out that one of the reasons is because the actor playing Michael is Jaafar Jackson. Jermaine’s son.Janet apparently feels like this is Jermaine continuing to exploit Michael’s legacy for his own gain. That by putting Jaafar forward—someone no one had heard of before this movie—Jermaine is still riding Michael’s coattails. Still trying to get something out of being Michael’s brother.And honestly? I don’t know if that’s fair or not. But it’s *complicated*. And that’s the point.---What I Keep Coming Back ToHere’s what I can’t stop thinking about: every family story is incomplete without every member’s version. Like, by definition. You can’t tell the full story of the Jackson family without Jermaine’s perspective. Or Janet’s. Or Tito’s. Or any of them. Because each person experienced it differently. Each person has their own truth.And I think about that with our family, too. The way Ryan and I tell stories on this podcast, they’re our stories. Our version of events. But I guarantee you, if you asked our other siblings, they’d be like, “That’s not how it happened. That never happened. You’re lying.”And maybe we are. Not intentionally. But memory is weird. Perspective is everything. And sibling dynamics are... I mean, they’re impossible to fully explain to someone who wasn’t there.---The other thing I keep thinking about is comparison. Because in our family, and I’ve said this before, we all have wildly different ideas of what success looks like. Ryan’s doing his thing in Japan. I’m doing my thing in Utah. Our brothers are doing their things in their own corners of the world. And because we’re all chasing different versions of success, we don’t compare ourselves to each other. There’s no point. Like most things with siblings, it doesn’t make sense.But imagine if we were all singers. All performers. All in the same industry, competing for the same audience, measured by the same metrics. I think we’d kill each other. Or at least never speak again.That’s what the Jacksons were living. That’s what Jermaine was living. And I don’t know how you survive that without resentment creeping in.---So What’s the Point?I don’t know. I’m still figuring it out. But I think the point is this: sibling rivalry is inevitable when you’re all occupying the same space. When you’re all trying to carve out your identity in the same world. And the only way to survive it, at least in my experience, is distance. Physical distance. Emotional distance. Enough space to require multiple flights just to see each other face to face. Enough space to become your own person without constantly being compared to the person next to you.Jermaine never got that space. He tried. He stayed at Motown. He went solo. He wrote songs. He performed. But he was always “Michael’s brother.” And I think that’s the tragedy of it. Not that he wasn’t talented. But that no amount of talent could ever be enough when your little brother is Michael Jackson.---Anyway. Go watch Ernest Goes to Camp. We’re doing that next episode. I promise it’ll be lighter.But also, if you have thoughts on sibling rivalry, or the Jacksons, or whether Jim Varney is attractive (I still don’t know), leave a comment. I want to know.And if you haven’t already, subscribe to the podcast. Leave us a five-star rating. Tell your friends. Tell your enemies. Tell your estranged siblings.Stay crispy.---For the next episode: This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

Okay, so I’ve been seeing this thing going around online where parents are like, “We’re giving our kids a 90s summer!” and they post these very aesthetic TikToks of their children catching fireflies in Mason jars while wearing carefully curated vintage Gap Kids overalls, and I’m like—wait, hold on. Is this actually happening or am I in a fever dream? Because that is not what a 90s summer was. That is not even close to what a 90s summer was.A 90s summer was your mom waking you up at 8am to mow the lawn with a rust-bucket lawnmower that required 22 pulls to start while your brother simply turned off his light and went back to bed because he knew she wouldn’t actually make him do it. A 90s summer was eating a peanut butter O’Henry bar and a bag of dill pickle chips for breakfast while sitting on a curb in a strip mall parking lot, trying to figure out whose house you were going to show up at unannounced because “calling on someone” was a normal thing we did. We just... knocked on doors. No text. No “are you home?” DM. Just pure chaos and hope.I swear to you, this is true. I’m not making this up.The Thing About Boredom (And Why Your Pinterest Board Is Lying to You)Here’s what all these 90s summer bucket lists are missing: we were bored. Like, catastrophically bored. And it was that boredom, that deep, cellular, “I’ve been outside for six hours and I’ve already done everything there is to do” boredom—that led to the truly unhinged behavior that defined our childhood summers.You can’t manufacture that. You can’t be like, “Okay, sweetie, today we’re going to experience structured boredom from 2-4pm and then we’ll do a parent-led activity where we pretend to be unsupervised!” That’s not how it works. The boredom was the point. The boredom was what made us turn the community center into our own personal prank headquarters, where we’d flip the breaker panel to turn off all the lights in the squash courts mid-game and then run while some guy in short shorts lost his mind.For the record, I did participate in that. Multiple times. And yes, one time someone from Parks and Rec jumped off the roof chasing us and broke their ankle. I’m sorry about that. I’m using all the electricity at my best friend’s house, I’m eating all the toaster strudels at my other friend’s house, and I’m causing permanent bodily harm to municipal employees. This was a normal Tuesday.What We Were Actually Doing (Hint: It Wasn’t Crafts)So if you really want to give your kid a 90s summer, and I mean a real one, not the Anthropologie catalog version, here’s what that looks like. Jacqueline and I mapped out the perfect day, start to finish, and it is wild how much of it involves either almost getting arrested or eating food that would give a modern nutritionist a panic attack.Morning: You wake up to the sound of a lawnmower that sounds like it’s actively dying. There’s one window-mounted air conditioner in the entire house, taped in with packing tape, and the only room that’s cool is the kitchen. You eat cereal out of a salad bowl because all the normal bowls are dirty. Your mom is like, “I don’t care what you do today, just get out of the house.” Not “be safe.” Not “check in at noon.” Just get out. The door is metaphorically and sometimes literally locked behind you.Mid-morning: You go to the corner store, Becker’s, Dynamite Dollars, Ace Milk, whatever sketchy convenience store is closest, and you buy breakfast: a chocolate bar, chips, and an ice cold Tahiti Treat. You sit on the curb and consume this while contemplating which friend’s house you’re going to show up at unannounced. You settle on someone whose house has central air conditioning and a gaming console. You walk over. You knock. Their parents open the door and are like, “...hello?” and you’re like, “Is Matt home?” and they let you in because this is just what happened. No one questioned it.You spend the next four hours in their ice-cold basement, playing GoldenEye on N64, eating every single chocolate chip cookie in the house, and occasionally reaching into an aquarium to pull out a lizard or like 21 baby rats and stuffing them down your shirt because that was a thing we did. I don’t know why. We were feral.Afternoon: You decide to go to the community center, but not to like, participate in a structured activity. You go to commit minor acts of terrorism. Turning off lights during squash games. Running across the ice rink during figure skating lessons in your shoes. Climbing onto the roof. Getting chased by authority figures. This is the third time today the cops have been called on you, and it’s only 1pm.Then you go play basketball in someone’s driveway, and you get so angry about it, because you’re 12 and you think NBA scouts might be watching from behind a parked car. A girl walks out of a house across the street, and you immediately start playing even more angry because obviously the first thing girls look for in a potential boyfriend is “does he fly off the handle at the smallest things?”Spoiler alert: this does not work.Evening: You make plans to meet those girls at 1:30am. Yes, 1:30am. You are 13 years old. Your parents think you’re asleep in your friend’s basement. You sneak out. You sit on a curb. There is no plan beyond “we are sitting on a curb… with girls” You try to make conversation. You fail. You go back inside after three minutes. You eat more cookies. You pass out in the ice-cold basement at 3am, covered in the smell of freshly cut grass, firecracker smoke, and pure teenage chaos.This is a perfect day.The Stuff We’re Not Talking About (But Should)I also want to talk about the fact that our parents’ schedules did not change during the summer. This is key. These TikTok parents are like, “Today we’re doing a yes day where I take my children to seventeen different activities and we’re all going to bond!” and I’m like, our mom had non-supervising things to do. Our dad went to work. Their lives were completely unaffected by the fact that we were home for three months. We were simply... loose in the world.And honestly? Our friends’ parents bore the real burden. We bankrupted their families with our Havarti cheese consumption. We emptied their pools by creating a wave pool with our bodies and then jumping in from the side. We showed up at people’s houses at 9am and stayed until midnight. One time Jacqueline rode in the trunk of a van to get to the pool because there were too many kids and not enough seats, and we were all just like, “Yeah, this is fine. This is a normal way to travel.”I’m sorry to every parent who had to deal with us. I would like to show up at your door with one of those giant novelty checks and just be like, “Here is $47,000 to cover the food I ate between 1995 and 2000.”The Real Secret Ingredient (It’s Definitely Illegal)But here’s the thing I keep coming back to: the factor that made all of this possible, the thing that you absolutely cannot replicate in 2025 without getting visited by CPS, is that we were hardened by the 90s. We had been raised in an environment where you could just... do things. Deeply questionable things. Things that would get you arrested today.Like, I have a story, just to be clear, I’m not saying I’m proud of this, where neighbourhood kids found abandoned factories in Ajax and we would just go in there and smash stuff. For fun. And one time, someone threw something through a window, and when it shattered, there was a business meeting happening on the other side. And the kids just ran. They didn’t apologize. They didn’t stop to explain. They just ran, because that’s what you did when you were a kid in the 90s and you realized you’d made a terrible mistake.Also, we filled eggs with paint and threw them at passing cars. We locked kids in porta-potties and threw firecrackers in with them. We played “psycho killer” in someone’s house with a real knife. We were unhinged, and no one stopped us because no one knew what we were doing.You can’t drop a modern child into that environment for one day and be like, “Have a 90s summer!” They would be traumatized. They would need therapy. They would file a report with the school counsellor about their unsafe home environment.You have to be raised by the 90s to survive the 90s. Just like our kids will look back and proclaim, “you had be raised by the robots in the 2020s to survive the robots.”A Note on Nostalgia (And Why I’m Lying to Myself)I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “this all sounds deeply unsafe and possibly neglectful and maybe we shouldn’t be romanticizing a time when children were just wandering the streets at 2am in their nightgowns because they were bored.”And you’re right! You’re absolutely right. I would never let my children do 90% of the things we did as children. I am a anxious millennial parent who tracks my kid’s location on an app and has a whole crisis if they’re even 2 minutes late meeting me in the pick-up parking lot. When my kids are older, I am not letting them roam to a different town unsupervised until they find a “block parent” sign and knock on a stranger’s door to use a phone book to call home.But also... I kind of miss it? I miss the freedom. I miss the boredom. I miss the way you could just be without someone recording you or posting you or turning you into content. I miss how you could do something completely humiliating, like, I don’t know, faint in your best friend’s driveway because you made yourself hyperventilate on purpose (a story for another day), smash your face off of a brick, wind up concussed, with blood leaking into your eyeball, and the only people who knew about it were the three kids who saw it happen, and they’re not telling anyone because they’re your friends and also they did something equally stupid last week.Gen Z doesn’t dance in public anymore because they’re afraid of being recorded. And I get it. I would also not dance in public if I thought it might end up on the internet forever. But man, what a loss. What a sad, boring, self-conscious loss.So What Do We Do With All This?I don’t know, honestly. I don’t have a good answer. I don’t think we can or should go back to the 90s in any meaningful way. I don’t want my kids riding in the trunk of a car or eating candy bars for breakfast or getting chased by cops because they were throwing firecrackers in a public park.But I do think there’s something worth preserving in the idea of letting kids be bored. Of not filling every moment with structured activities and enrichment and educational opportunities. Of letting them figure out how to entertain themselves, even if that means they end up doing something deeply stupid, and maybe even a little dangerous?Just... maybe with fewer firecrackers or police chases. And definitely no paint-filled eggs.Stay crispy.---Okay, but real talk: What’s the most 90s thing you did as a kid that would absolutely get you arrested today? Drop it in the comments or send us a note because I need to know we’re not the only ones who were out here living like feral raccoons for three months every year. Also, if you liked this extremely long spiral into nostalgia and chaos, subscribe to the podcast. Leave us a five-star review. Tell your friends. Tell your enemies. Tell the AI overview that we are, in fact, a “highly rated comedy and culture show with hilarious sibling dynamic.” We’re on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you get your podcasts, and we drop new episodes every couple of weeks when Ryan finishes editing and Jacqueline stops overthinking every single word.And if you really want to support us, share this post. Forward it to your group chat. Tag someone who also survived the 90s and needs to be reminded that we were all just out here comitting crimes for fun.--- This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

You clicked on this expecting another episode recap where we wax nostalgic about Saturday morning cartoons or the correct way to organize your CD collection. But today? Today we’re going deep—inappropriately deep—into what might genuinely be one of the most influential pop culture moments of the late 90s/early 2000s.I’m talking about “Thong Song.”Yes, that “Thong Song.” The one your mom immediately changed when it came on the radio. The one that somehow got four Grammy nominations. The one that made an 18-year-old kid with platinum hair into a cultural icon for exactly one glorious year.Here’s the thing: after researching this topic for way too long (my husband can confirm, I ambushed him with thong facts for an entire evening), I’ve come to a conclusion that our classically-trained musician followers might want to sit down for.“Thong Song” is a masterpiece. And I’m not kidding even a little bit.But First, Let’s Talk About Amazon AddictionBefore we dive into the cultural phenomenon that was Sisqó’s only hit, Ryan and I did what we do best: overshared about our recent Amazon purchases and somehow made it relatable.Ryan’s recent haul included chia seeds (obviously), psyllium husk (the glamorous life of a 40-something), and a medicine ball he bought after watching some basketball trainer on Instagram. He ripped it open like Christmas morning, showed it to his kids, and promptly stored it in the workout room where it hasn’t been touched since.If you’ve ever bought something because you were convinced you’d suddenly become great at that thing, you’re not alone. We are your people.My confession? A contour cool leg and knee pillow because sometimes when my knees touch while I’m sleeping, it hurts. Yes, I’m old. Yes, my bones hurt. Yes, we’re related because Ryan admitted he’s been sleeping with a pregnancy pillow for years.We’re basically one step away from those Life Alert commercials, and honestly? We’re making peace with it.The Universal Experience of Parenting on AirplanesRyan’s recent family trip to Nagasaki gave us one of those beautiful moments of sibling solidarity: when your toddler loses their absolute mind on an airplane and some guy in front of you starts kissing his teeth in disapproval.Here’s what I’ve learned as a parent: there are exactly two types of people on flights with crying children. There’s the grandma who’s been through it and gives you that knowing nod of “you’re doing great, sweetie,” and there’s the person who apparently emerged fully formed from the earth as a judgmental adult who was never, ever a child themselves.We should study them for science.The funniest part? Now that my kids are past the nightmare ages, I’ve become that person who’s like “Can I help? Do you need some stickers? I have a sticky hand in my bag!” Nothing brings me more pure, unadulterated joy than when it’s someone else’s kid melting down and I get to be the supportive passenger instead of the stressed parent.It’s not mine. I can actually enjoy the chaos now.I Don’t Think So, Honey: Our Mini-RantsWe each had something we needed to get off our chests this week, and honestly, they tied together in the most interesting way.Ryan’s beef: Everyone on social media becoming an “expert” two posts into their content journey. The whole “I discovered this hidden gem in Japan” when you literally just typed it into Google Maps. The influencers setting up full podcast studios to talk to... no one. Just performative expertise everywhere.His point (and it got surprisingly deep): He just wants people to be comfortable being themselves. Not chasing viral hooks. Not talking into spatulas to get our attention. Just... existing authentically.As a parent, he wants that for his kids too. The ability to recognize and love parts of themselves without needing external validation. And honestly? That hit harder than expected from a conversation that started with spatulas, in a podcast episode about the Thongs Song.My contribution: Performative parenting. You know exactly what I mean—when a parent is clearly parenting for your benefit rather than the child’s. Like the mom on my training run who, as her perfectly-behaved five-year-old rode past me on a bike, felt the need to announce: “Way to go, bud! Way to share the road!” That wasn’t for the kid. That was for me to know she’s a Good Parent™. And here’s what I believe: your kids can see through it. Maybe not at five, but definitely by sixteen.Parent your kids for your kids. Not for the approval of strangers who won’t remember you five seconds after you pass them.The Origin Story Nobody ExpectedAlright, buckle up, because we’re about to go on a journey that involves Michael Jackson, The Beatles, Eleanor Rigby, and an 18-year-old who had never seen a thong before in his entire life.Yes, really.It’s 1997. Sisqó is a member of Dru Hill (you know, “How Deep Is Your Love”), and he’s only 17-18 years old when he decides to make a solo album. Meanwhile, two producers named Tim and Bob (also known as the Funk Twins, I definitely mispronounced that) are creating a mixtape specifically to present to Michael Jackson. They’re sampling “Eleanor Rigby” from The Beatles catalog, which Jackson owned at the time, thinking this would be their golden ticket.They accidentally put this Eleanor Rigby track on a demo for Sisqó.Sisqó hears it and is like, “I need that song.” They’re like, “Absolutely not, this is for Michael Jackson.” But Sisqó is so determined that he calls them from the airport and says if they give him the song, he’ll turn around when he lands and come straight back to record it.They cave. They give him the track. But here’s where it gets wild.The Night Everything ChangedSisqó goes on a date. Brings a woman back to his house. And for the first time in his entire 18-year-old life, he sees what we would come to know as a thong.He literally asks her: “What is that?”She tells him it’s a thong.He’s never heard this word before. Never seen this garment. So what does any normal teenager do? He calls his friends and is like, “YO, I went on this date with this girl, she was wearing this thing called a THONG.”His friend, and I love this so much, goes goes on a date and experiences the same thing, then immediately calls Sisqó like “THONG THONG THONG THONG THONG.”And thus, pop culture history was made.The Strings That Changed EverythingBut wait, it gets better. (It always gets better.)Because they’re no longer recording for Michael Jackson, they can’t use the Eleanor Rigby sample without massive fees. So Sisqó contacts a violinist named Bruce Dukov. who worked on Star Wars, and asks him to recreate something similar but different enough to avoid copyright.Bruce comes in, meets this random kid named Sisqó (has no idea who he is), plays the opening bars, and layers it with two other string sections. The entire “Thong Song” is three groups of strings layered on top of each other.Bruce completes his job and leaves, having no idea what he just contributed to. He doesn’t hear the final version until his violinist friends call him months later asking if he’s heard “that song on pop radio that’s all strings.”Full body chills. Every. Single. Time.The Detail That Makes It A MasterpieceOkay, here’s where I lose my mind and possibly lose some of you, but stay with me.“Thong Song” starts in F-sharp major. The verses are repetitive, nothing groundbreaking in the lyrics. But then it builds to this crescendo (Sisqó calls it a climax, but I refuse to use that word), right when he’s running over everyone’s heads in the video.After which it pitches up into G major.Do you understand what I’m saying?The song climaxes in G-string.THERE IS NO WAY THAT’S NOT INTENTIONAL.This 18-year-old kid, this team of producers, they knew exactly what they were doing. That level of musical innuendo is chef’s kiss perfection. It’s the kind of thing you’d expect from a music theory professor, not from a teenager who discovered thongs approximately three weeks before recording.And yes, I will die on this hill, this Dru Hill, if you will. Put it on my tombstone. Roll my casket into my funeral to the opening violins of “Thong Song.”The Lawsuit, The Legacy, The LessonsOf course, there was drama. Sisqó had assured the producers he’d gotten clearance for the “Livin’ La Vida Loca” lyric. He had not. Ricky Martin and the song’s writer, Desmond Child, sued. They settled for an undisclosed amount, and to this day, Desmond Child owns most of “Thong Song.”But here’s the beautiful part: the song still skyrocketed Bob and Tim’s careers. Michael Jackson actually reached out and said if they could get him a song hotter than “Thong Song,” he’d meet with them. They ended up writing six songs for him (none of which ever saw release, which makes me SO SAD).And “Thong Song” got four Grammy nominations.Four.Can you imagine being Amy Grant or Alan Jackson sitting at the Grammys when they announce, “And the nominees are... THE THONG SONG”?Why It Actually MattersI get it. On the surface, “Thong Song” is absurd. It’s a one-hit wonder from a guy with platinum hair rapping about underwear over classical strings. But here’s what it really was: a cultural door being kicked wide open.Before “Thong Song,” you couldn’t just say the word “thong” on the radio. The label didn’t even want to release it as a single because they thought it was too explicit. After “Thong Song”? We got “Hot in Here” by Nelly. We got increasingly explicit music videos. The boundaries shifted.And honestly, in an era where we were all downloading music on Napster and LimeWire, where distribution was changing everything about how we consumed pop culture, “Thong Song” represented something bigger: artists testing what they could say, what they could create, how far they could push.It’s the same spirit that led The Beatles to hide drug references in their lyrics. Testing boundaries. Seeing what audiences would accept. Pioneering what would become normal.The Thing About One-Hit WondersAs Ryan and I discussed, we don’t really have true one-hit wonders anymore. The internet changed everything. Anyone can release music anytime. But there was something special about those flash-in-the-pan moments of the late 90s and early 2000s.An artist would create something beautiful, something absurd, something absolutely perfect for that moment in time, and then disappear forever, living off those royalties and that cultural impact.Sisqó still performs “Thong Song.” And you know what he says? Every time he hears those opening strings, he loses his mind. Because it’s iconic. People still love it. It’s been 25 years, and it still slaps.That’s not nothing. That’s actually everything.The Saskatchewan Wrap-UpBefore we go, I need to tell you about Ryan’s unhinged text of the week. He sent us a video entitled “Saskatchewan Raps 1990” with the message: “There will come a point this weekend where you want to get hyped up, and your brother has come through.”For context, Saskatchewan is basically Canada’s Idaho. And in 1990, someone decided kids should rap. The beats are in the imperial system while the rappers are using the metric system (as one commenter perfectly described). It’s essentially children doing jump rope songs to a baby’s toy that makes sounds.It’s perfect.What We’re Really Talking AboutStrip away all the jokes, all the absurdity, all the nostalgia, and what are we really discussing here?We’re talking about a time when creativity could still surprise us. When an 18-year-old kid could discover something new (to him) and turn it into cultural phenomenon. When musicians could experiment with unexpected combinations, classical strings and hip-hop beats, and create something that transcended its parts.We’re talking about authenticity versus performance. About being comfortable enough to share your genuine self instead of chasing what you think will go viral.We’re talking about how the ridiculous things that raised us, yes, including “Thong Song”, shaped our understanding of music, culture, boundaries, and possibility.And honestly? We’re talking about joy. Pure, unadulterated joy in something that doesn’t take itself too seriously but also doesn’t apologize for existing.Your TurnHere’s my challenge: Go listen to “Thong Song” right now. Really listen to it. Pay attention to those strings. Notice when it shifts from F-sharp to G major. Appreciate the absolutely bonkers journey that led to its creation.And then tell me I’m wrong. Tell me it’s not a masterpiece.I’ll wait.And seriously—tell us in the comments: What’s YOUR theory on the greatest pop culture moment of the late 90s/early 2000s? What song do you think was more influential than “Thong Song”?Because Jonathan and I have been sending this song back and forth for years, and now Ryan’s in the group chat, and we need more people to appreciate the genius that is Sisqó’s one-hit wonder.If you love hearing siblings talk about the absurd things that shaped us, if you appreciate deep dives into ridiculous topics, if you want more stories about Amazon addiction and airplane meltdowns and why we think a song about underwear changed music history, subscribe to the podcast. Leave us a five-star rating. Tell your friends who also can’t believe they once thought “dumps like a truck” was about poop.We’ll be back in two weeks with more nostalgia, more chaos, and probably more questionable takes on pop culture.Until then, keep those strings tight and your thongs... well, wherever you keep them.--- P.S. - If you’re reading this, Sisqó, we see you. We appreciate you. --- This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

Howwwwww did we let 90s pop magazines raise an entire generation of women??? And I’m saying this as someone who spent actual money, like real dollars, on magazines that told me I was simultaneously too fat and too thin.Welcome back to another episode where I force my brother Ryan to understand what it was like to be a teenage girl in the ‘90s. Spoiler alert: it was weird, it was inappropriate, and somehow we all survived despite magazines literally called “Young and Modern” telling us that 24-year-old men were our ideal romantic matches.The Magazine That Raised Me (Unfortunately)--- Head to www.dreyerdrive.com for full article --- This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

Something has been deeply bothering Jacqueline for approximately 2,000 years (give or take).Everyone knows Cleopatra. She’s literally one of the most famous women in history, mostly made famous by Tal Bachman’s “She’s So High” . But here’s the thing nobody talks about: Cleopatra had a little sister who was an absolute menace. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

Three’s something that’s been on my mind since like, I dunno, 1986, and I’m pretty sure it’s been camping out in yours too. Flight of the Navigator. You know the one, right? Chrome spaceship that looks like a fancy peach pit, a kid who time-travels by accident, and Pee-wee Herman voicing an alien who just wants to go home. Classic stuff.But first, let’s set the scene for where this episode came from, because context matters (or so my therapist tells me).The Marvin Gaye Incident (Or: How I Became Wendy’s Most Embarrassing Customer)Here’s the thing about spring break: you think you’re going to be this organized parent with a color-coded activity schedule, and instead you end up at Wendy’s at 11 AM on a Tuesday, accidentally serenading the lunch crowd with “Let’s Get It On.”Yes, that happened. Yes, I’m still processing it.I walked into Wendy’s with my nine-year-old, heard what I thought was the restaurant’s soundtrack, and spent a solid three minutes vibing to Marvin Gaye before realizing my phone was blasting it from my back pocket the entire time. Thirteen people witnessed this. I can never return to that location. This is my villain origin story.The moral? Always check your pockets before entering public spaces. Or just embrace becoming the person who brings their own theme music everywhere. I’m workshopping which route to take.The Cookie Situation (Or: How Ryan Spent $89 on Crumble Knockoffs)Meanwhile, my brother Ryan, who lives in Okinawa and is contractually obligated to mention this fact every episode, decided to celebrate spring break by baking $89 worth of cookies with his daughter. Not just any cookies. Crumble cookies. Which he’s never actually tasted. Because Japan.When I tell you this man went to a Japanese grocery store and bought TWENTY PACKAGES of cocoa powder at $6 each because everything comes in Splenda-packet-sized portions, I need you to understand the commitment. The dedication. The refusal to read a room or a recipe.But you know what? According to him and his 7-year-old, they were delicious. And when you’re on spring break with a kid, sometimes you just need to make some ridiculously expensive cookies and call it a core memory.Why We’re Actually Here: Flight of the Navigator Hits Different NowSo why are we talking about a 1986 Disney movie that most people forgot Sarah Jessica Parker was even in? (She also forgot, by the way—more on that later.)Because Flight of the Navigator represents something we don’t really get anymore: a single, linear plot. One kid. One spaceship. One mission: get home. That’s it. No multiverse. No post-credits scene teasing seventeen sequels. No Extended Universe you need a PhD to understand.David Freeman falls into a ravine in 1978, wakes up thinking only a few minutes have passed, and discovers it’s actually 1986. His parents are older. His 8-year-old brother is now 16 and wearing the FLYEST outfit you’ve ever seen (we’re talking peak 80s windbreaker energy). And David? Still 12. Still confused. Still wearing those criminally short shorts that defined childhood in the 80s.The Science Is Wild (And Completely Wrong)Here’s where it gets fun. The movie tries to science its way through the plot… something about time dilation and light-speed travel and Einstein’s theory of relativity. Except they cite general relativity when they should cite special relativity (DISGUSTING NOOBS), and David apparently traveled 560 light-years in 4.4 hours, which is 2.23 MILLION times the speed of light.But you know what? When you’re a kid watching this on VHS for the 47th time because your family only owned seven tapes total, you don’t care. You just want to see the chrome spaceship and those absolutely amazing alien creatures that Max keeps on board.Speaking of Max… let’s talk about how they got Pee-wee Herman to voice an alien and he then asked him not to put his name in the credits, instead he chose “Paul Mall” (the cigarette brand) as his pseudonym. As if nobody would recognize that voice. Paul Rubens really said, “I’m going to do my most famous character’s voice and pretend it’s a secret.” Icon behavior.The Production Was An Absolute Disaster (And We Love That For Them)Look, every beloved 80s movie has a chaotic production story, but Flight of the Navigator really went for it:* Two production companies went BANKRUPT during filming* They had to shoot interiors in Norway because of “blocked funds” that may or may not have actually existed* The crew showed up in Oslo in February wearing Florida shorts because nobody thought to buy parkas* Sarah Jessica Parker doesn’t remember being in it at all* The CGI took so long to render that engineers were getting called at 2 AM to restart computers* They hired a Norwegian child as a body double who didn’t speak English, so everything went through a translatorAnd somehow, SOMEHOW, they made a movie that cost $9 million and made back $19 million. Not enough for Disney to care (this was peak Disney-flop era), but enough for us 80s/90s kids to watch it on endless repeat.Why This Movie Lives In Our Brains ForeverI think the secret sauce of Flight of the Navigator, and movies like it, is scarcity. We had LIMITED VHS tapes. You couldn’t just scroll through Netflix for 45 minutes before giving up and rewatching The Office. You had maybe six options, and one of them was Flight of the Navigator, so that’s what you watched.And because you watched it 6,000 times, it became part of your DNA. You can probably still quote it. You definitely remember the chrome spaceship interior (which James Cameron said inspired the T-1000 in Terminator 2, by the way). You wanted one of those alien creatures Max had on board. You 100% tried to do the Pee-wee Herman voice.These aren’t just movies. They’re the handful of stories that raised us because our parents couldn’t afford more than seven VHS tapes and we didn’t have smartphones to distract us during the opening credits.The Deeper Stuff (Because We Accidentally Got Philosophical)What really gets me about Flight of the Navigator now? Watching it as an adult, as a parent, is how it handles David’s impossible choice. He wakes up eight years in the future. His parents are older. His little brother is suddenly older than him. Everything he knew is gone.And the movie doesn’t sugarcoat it. There’s this moment where David is back with his “older” family, and he just... can’t. He can’t pretend this is normal. He can’t adjust to being younger than his little brother. So he asks Max to do something incredibly dangerous: send him back in time.The movie spends the whole runtime telling us time travel is dangerous and impossible, and then David just... does it anyway. Because sometimes the risk is worth it to get back to where you belong.(I’m not crying, YOU’RE crying. Okay, fine, I cried. I cry at weird things. We’ve established this.)What Happened To Everyone After?Joey Kramer (who played David) had a rough go of it. Bullied at school for being “the movie star kid” (ONLY IN THE 80s would this be a reason to bully someone), addicted to drugs by 14, arrested multiple times, eventually robbed a bank on purpose because he was homeless and suicidal and knew prison was his only path to treatment.The heartbreaking twist? When the arresting officers recognized him from Flight of the Navigator, they reenacted the “what year is it?” scene while booking him.But here’s the actually important part: he got clean. He got his high school diploma. He reconnected with his daughter. He now mentors at-risk youth and shows up at conventions wearing his original NASA hat from the movie.If that’s not a redemption arc worthy of its own film, I don’t know what is.Where This Ranks In Our Growing List of Childhood MoviesRyan says it’s just below Willow for him, which feels right. It’s got that same fantastical energy… the feeling that anything could happen, that adventure is just around the corner, that chrome spaceships might actually show up in your backyard if you wait long enough.For me? Top five, easily. Maybe top three. It’s fighting with The NeverEnding Story for the number two slot, and I’m not ready to make that call yet.(We’re starting a Letterboxd for Dreyer Drive so we can actually rank these properly. Yes, I’m serious. Yes, the profile picture will be us in those ridiculous short-shorts from the 80s.)The Real Question: What Was In Your VHS Rotation?Here’s what I want to know from you, dear reader who has somehow made it this far into my rambling: What were YOUR seven VHS tapes?What movies did you watch on repeat not because they were necessarily your favorite, but because they were literally the only options? What films became part of your personality simply through exposure and proximity?For us, it was Flight of the Navigator, Willow, The NeverEnding Story, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and probably Growing Pains Christmas specials that made me cry (they stole everything, even the socks and underwear—I’M FINE).Drop a comment. Tag us. Send a carrier pigeon. I genuinely want to know what specific collection of movies shaped your childhood brain.Why You Should Actually Listen To This EpisodeBecause Ryan tells a story about accidentally joining a gay basketball league and announcing he’s NOT gay during the first timeout. It’s exactly as chaotic as it sounds.Also because I tell the story of Cecil, my 80-year-old friend who met her second husband AT THE CEMETERY while they were both visiting their deceased spouses’ graves, and then had a wedding where the entire congregation spontaneously started singing “Can’t Help Falling In Love” while walking her down the aisle, and I SOBBED HARDER THAN I’VE EVER CRIED AT ANYTHING.Oh, and evidence of Ryan’s flashmob proposal, because, as he put it he “got this one right”.We contain multitudes. The Big Takeaway (If We Have One)Flight of the Navigator shouldn’t exist. The production companies went bankrupt. The director had never done sci-fi. They filmed interior shots in Norway for possibly imaginary money. Sarah Jessica Parker forgot she was in it. The science is completely wrong.And yet, here we are, almost 40 years later, still talking about it. Still remembering exactly how that chrome spaceship looked. Still able to quote Pee-wee Herman’s alien voice. Still wanting to own one of those alien creatures.Maybe that’s the real magic—not the CGI (which took 10 days to render 30 seconds) or the plot (which is delightfully simple) or even the nostalgia (though that’s definitely part of it). Maybe it’s just that some movies find you at exactly the right time in your life and refuse to let go.Or maybe it’s because we only owned seven VHS tapes and this was one of them, so our brains had no choice but to absorb every frame. Both can be true.---Listen to the full episode wherever you get your podcasts (but preferably on platforms that give us data because we’re desperate for validation). Leave us a 5-star review if you also spent your childhood watching the same seven movies on repeat. Tell us what those seven movies were. Join us in collective nostalgia for a time when plots were simple, shorts were short, and accidentally playing Marvin Gaye in public was probably happening to someone somewhere, just not documented on social media.And remember: if you ever time travel by accident and wake up eight years in the future, just ask the alien spaceship to send you back. The movie tells us it’s dangerous and impossible, but it works out fine. Probably.What was YOUR most cinematic life moment? Have you ever accidentally announced something wildly inappropriate during a timeout? What movies lived in your VHS collection? Drop a comment—unlike our other listeners (looking at you, silent majority), actually engage with us.Until next time, we’ll be here, overthinking childhood movies and sharing embarrassing personal stories with anyone who will listen.--- This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

I need to tell you about something that’s been keeping me up at night lately, and no, it’s not another existential crisis about whether I peaked in elementary school (spoiler: I absolutely did). It’s about two guys named Jim who lived 40 miles apart, never met until they were 39, and somehow managed to live almost exactly the same life.I’m talking same wives’ names. Same kids’ names. Same dog’s name. Same everything.And it may or may not be making me question every choice I’ve ever made.But First, Let’s Talk About Dance Recital AnxietyBefore we dive into this rabbit hole of genetic destiny, I need to confess something: I’m currently experiencing peak parental anxiety about my daughter’s upcoming ballet recital. Not because I’m worried she’ll mess up—no, no. I’m worried about her sister, her 1-and-a-half-year-old sister, who we basically have to treat like an unpredictable aggressive rescue dog at public events.You know those families who have to walk their dog at 11 PM because it’s the only time they won’t terrorize the neighbourhood? That’s us with our toddler. You never know if you’re getting the sweet puppy or the one who’s going to steal a stranger’s Nintendo switch, the throw an udon bowl and eat the noodles off the floor with her hands.Yes, that happened. Yes, I’m still processing it. The restaurant is still working with the Authorities. But, now for a transition, here’s the thing: watching my wife become a drill sergeant about ballet positions (”Grand plié! GRAND PLIÉ! That is NOT a grand plié!”) while I hide in my office stress-eating has made me wonder: How much of who we are is just... baked in?Which brings me to...The Tale of Two Jims (And Why It’s Absolutely Unhinged)Picture this: It’s 1979. Jim Lewis and Jim Springer are identical twins who were separated at birth. Adopted by different families 40 miles apart in Ohio. Neither family knew the other existed. Both families, completely independently, named their baby Jim.Already weird, right? But wait. It gets so much weirder.Fast forward to age 39. Jim Springer starts digging around about his “dead” twin (yeah, they told him his brother died because, casual childhood trauma, no big deal) and discovers he’s actually alive. They, naturally, arrange to meet on the Phil Donahue show because apparently that’s what you did in the ‘70s when you found your long-lost twin.When they finally meet and start comparing notes, here’s what they discover:Both Jims:* Had dogs named Toy (TOY! Of all the dog names!)* Worked in law enforcement * Loved woodworking* Married women named Linda* Got divorced and both remarried women named Betty* Had sons named James AllenI’m sorry, WHAT? James Allen? Both of them? We’re not talking about naming your kid Michael or Chris, these are specific, identical life choices made 40 miles apart by men who had never met.This isn’t a coincidence. This is the universe trolling us.Nature vs. Nurture: The Existential Crisis No One Asked ForHere’s where it gets really fascinating (and slightly terrifying). A scientist named Thomas Bouchard brought the Jims into his lab and started studying them. He’d ask them to draw random pictures and, but you saw this coming, they’d draw the same thing. He’d give them personality tests and, yup, nearly identical results.Bouchard’s hypothesis? That identical twins share 100% of their DNA (compared to the 95% that regular humans share with each other), and some things like preferences, habits, what we name our dogs, and kids, and maybe even who we’re attracted to—might just be hard-coded into our brains from birth.Which leads to the question that’s been haunting me since my failed breakdancing career in high school: Do we actually have free will, or are we all just running on biological autopilot?We Need to Discuss (Again): The Porter Family Anger GeneIf there’s one thing I know about my siblings and me, it’s that we all got the same anger operating system installed at birth. When something goes wrong, and even sometimes when things go right, we don’t process it like normal humans. We skip right over “frustration” and land directly on “barely contained rage at the entire universe.”Example: Our brother Dan once had a complete meltdown because our dad took the rental car to Tim Hortons before Dan could do his morning tea run. To an outside observer, this seems insane. But to those of us with the Porter genetic coding? We completely understood. His schedule was disrupted. His carefully calibrated morning routine, the one nobody else knew existed because he’d never explained it, was ruined.Jacqueline calls it “The Schedule That Cannot Be Disturbed.” I call it “Just Another Thing I Have To Deal With Now” syndrome.Here’s the thing though, I didn’t realize this was a family trait until my brother’s partner started pointing it out. “Your brother does that too,” she’d say. “He gets angry when he’s hurt instead of saying it hurts.” And I’d be like, “Wait, doesn’t everyone turn pain directly into rage? That’s not normal?”Nope. Turns out most people feel pain and process it as pain. We feel pain and immediately want to fight the universe about it.Is this nature or nurture? Did we learn this from growing up in the same house, or were we just born with anger as our default emotion? The Three Identical Strangers: When Science Gets UnethicalIf the two Jims weren’t enough to make you question reality, let me introduce you to an even more disturbing story: three identical triplets who were deliberately separated at birth as part of a psychological experiment.That’s right…some researchers in the 1960s decided to separate triplets and place them with families of different socioeconomic backgrounds (blue collar, middle class, and affluent) just to see what would happen. You know, normal, totally-not-horrifying-nor-unethical science stuff.The triplets eventually found each other in college when two of them kept getting mistaken for each other, and a third saw them on the news and was like, “Wait, those guys look exactly like me.”They reunited. They were insanely similar. And then they discovered they’d been part of an experiment.The records of that study are sealed until 2066, which honestly feels like the universe saying, “You’re not ready to know how much of your life is predetermined, and neither are your grandchildren.”Jacqueline’s Catastrophic Cartwheel: A Case Study in Porter Main Character SyndromeSpeaking of genetics, I need to tell you about the time my Jacqueline decided she was going to be the star of her dance recital. She was eight years old, wearing a blue leotard with fluorescent orange fringe and a paper plate painted blue as a hat. A. paper. plate. hat. The big finale involved three “star students” doing cartwheels from the back of the stage to the front. Jacqueline, naturally, was chosen as one of them. But here’s where the Porter family genetic coding kicked in: she was so confident, so absolutely certain she was going to nail this, that she forgot to count.So while the other two girls waited for the music cue, Jacqueline just... cartwheeled by herself to the front of the stage. Alone. Off-beat. On camera.To this day, she wakes up in cold sweats thinking about it.And you know what? I have my own version of this story. Grade 10. School cafeteria. Dance contest. I’d been practicing breakdancing in my parents’ basement for three whole months on a gold piece of cardboard. When I heard there was a dance contest, I was like, “This is my moment. This is what I’ve been training for.”I walked up to that stage with the confidence of someone who’d been breakdancing their entire life. I attempted a head spin. My neck immediately gave up. I flopped onto the stage like a fish, then rolled off and ate my lunch in the gym locker room.The point? The Porter family is genetically predisposed to:* Overestimating our abilities* Seeking public recognition* Catastrophically failing* Never, ever learning from it* Getting angry about itWhat This Means for Our Kids (And Why I’m Terrified)The scariest part about all of this? It’s already showing up in the next generation.My daughter gets upset when her schedule is disrupted. Jacqueline’s son has Daniel’s exact energy. Ours kids are basically miniature versions of us, complete with the same anxious perfectionism and need to be the best at everything.We can see ourselves—and each other—in these tiny humans. And sometimes, instead of being like, “Oh, that’s a cute trait,” we’re like, “Oh no. Oh no no no. We need to intervene NOW before this kid turns into full Porter mode.”But can we actually change it? Or is this stuff just hardwired into our DNA, passed down through generations like a cursed family heirloom?The Question We’re All Afraid to AskAfter diving into this research, talking about the Jims, the triplets, and our own family patterns, I keep coming back to the same uncomfortable question: How much control do we actually have?If identical twins separated at birth can end up living virtually identical live: same names for their kids, same types of partners, same careers, same hobbies, what does that say about the rest of us?Are we all just following invisible scripts written in our DNA? Are our “choices” really choices, or are they just biological programming playing out in real-time?And more importantly: If my toddler is genetically programmed to be chaos incarnate, is there any point in trying to civilize her before this ballet recital, or should I just accept that she’s going to steal someone’s camera and throw a shoe a the pianist?(For the record, I’m going with acceptance. It’s easier on everyone.)The Point…Even if we are partially programmed by our genetics, even if the two Jims were always going to name their dogs Toy and marry women named Linda, I don’t think that means we’re helpless.My sister and I both inherited the Porter anger gene. We both have that perfectionist streak. We both want to be the main character in every situation. But we’re also both actively working on it, me with my therapist who I’ve probably paid enough money to that he could retire early, and my sister with her arsenal of caffeinated and late night non-caffeinated drinks, and self-awareness.The hard-coding might be there, but maybe the point isn’t to delete the code entirely. Maybe it’s about learning to recognize it, understanding where it comes from, and deciding when to override it.Or, you know, just accepting that we’re all a little unhinged and that’s what makes family gatherings interesting… and contentious. The (Forced) Big Takeaway (If There Is One)Nature gave us the blueprint. Our childhood added some modifications. And somehow, we all ended up as adults who can’t go to Tim Hortons without it becoming a whole thing.But whether it’s genetics or environment or some cosmic joke, one thing is clear: We’re all just trying to figure it out as we go. Sometimes that means naming your dog Toy, your kid James Allen, then divorcing your wife Linda and remarrying a Betty, without knowing your identical twin did the exact same things. Sometimes that means catastrophically failing at a breakdancing competition in front of your entire school. And sometimes that means accepting that your toddler is basically a Tasmanian devil in human form and just rolling with it.The mystery of the two Jims doesn’t really have an answer. But maybe that’s okay. Maybe the point isn’t knowing exactly where our traits come from? Maybe it’s learning to recognize them in ourselves and each other, laughing about them, and occasionally calling them out when your sibling is being “such a Porter right now.”The question for you: What traits do you share with your siblings that seem too specific to be coincidence? Are you all weirdly obsessed with the same snacks? Do you all have the same irrational fears? Do you all name your dogs Toy?Drop a comment. Or don’t, because you’re probably genetically programmed to overthink whether your comment is funny enough, just like us.---Before you go: If you enjoyed this extremely shallow deep dive into genetic destiny and family chaos, subscribe to The Dreyer Drive podcast. We promise more unhinged stories, existential crises about our childhoods, and sibling banter that will make you feel better about your own family dynamics. Leave us a 5-star rating if you think we’ve earned it, or a 1-star rating if you’re one of those people who gets angry instead of acknowledging pain (we see you, fellow Porter gene carriers).And if you have a story about being hard-coded for chaos, we want to hear it.Next episode: We’re watching Flight of the Navigator and probably having another existential crisis about ‘80s movies. See you then.--- This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

Can we have some space to discuss something important?Every millennial has a box. You know the one. It’s shoved in the back of your parents’ garage or buried in your childhood closet, and inside it lives the physical evidence of who you were between the ages of 8 and 18. Beanie Babies. Choker necklaces. The CRINGIEST love letters. That *NSYNC poster you definitely weren’t obsessed with. And, if you’re like me: journals. So. many. journals.This episode, I did something I’ve been threatening to do since we started this podcast: I cracked open my childhood journals and turned them into a trivia game for Ryan. And let me tell you, it was simultaneously the best and worst decision I’ve ever made.The Setup: A Game Show Nobody Asked ForHere’s the thing about keeping a detailed journal from ages 8 to 18: you create a time capsule of your most unhinged thoughts, delivered in the most dramatic language possible. I had five journals. FIVE. Because apparently, I had that much to say about how unfair it was that Ryan was, and I quote, “a brainer volleyball superstar” and I was just... there… in a cow-themed room, listening to Third Eye Blind. I turned these gems into “Jacqueline’s Journal Trivia”, a 17-question deep dive into the absolute chaos of growing up in a house with four brothers, zero boundaries, and unlimited access to Anne of Green Gables. Every question was pulled word-for-word from my journals, which means Ryan got to experience my childhood voice in all its cheaply theatrical glory.(Yes, I actually used the phrase “cheaply theatrical” to describe sunny days. We’ll get to that.)Main Character Energy at Age 10But first, let me paint you a picture of the child who wrote these journals.This was a girl who thought reading poetry over the school announcements would make her popular. A girl who left her journal open on her bed, to a very specific page about how mean her friends were being, and then conveniently left the room so they could “accidentally” read it and feel bad. A girl who believed her most impressive skills were “soccer moves and reading poems.”I was Method Acting my entire childhood, and nobody asked me to.The questions revealed some truly unhinged moments:* Why was I scared of Ryan’s friend Jon? * What did Ryan get me for my 10th birthday? * How did I describe sunny days at age 14? Ryan scored 82% on this quiz, which honestly tracks for his entire academic career: showing up completely unprepared and still pulling solid Bs through pure logic and educated guessing.The Cultural Artifacts We Carried ForwardOne thing became crystal clear during this episode: we’re all walking around with weird little traditions and phrases from childhood that make zero sense to anyone else.For me, it’s beans on toast. Specifically, Heinz beans from a can, poured over buttered wheat bread until it’s completely soggy. It’s my ultimate comfort food, a direct import from childhood that I still eat religiously. Justin (my husband) thinks I’m insane. Ryan dry-heaved on mic. But British people get it, and that’s all that matters.For Ryan, it’s his inability to not apply logic to everything, a skill that apparently developed from having to survive in a house where his sister was writing dramatic poetry about how the truth is like cold water (”it shocks you at first, but no one’s ever died from it”—which, sorry younger me, but the Titanic would like a word).And speaking of cultural imports: Hawaiian Haystacks. If you’re from Utah, you know. If you’re not, imagine taking rice, covering it with cream of chicken soup and shredded chicken, then topping it with a chaotic combination of pineapples, chow mein noodles, mandarin oranges, almonds, and black olives. It’s the official food of “somebody has just died and we need to feed 300 people on a budget,” and Justin’s family loved it until one fateful camping trip when everyone got food poisoning and spent the night scrambling to unzip their tents in time.Nobody’s touched a Hawaiian Haystack since.The Passive Aggressive ChroniclesThe real revelation? I was the MOST passive-aggressive 12-year-old to ever exist.When my friends were mean to me during our school skit rehearsal, did I confront them? Absolutely not. I wrote a devastatingly sad journal entry, left it open on my bed, and then made sure they “accidentally” stumbled upon it. Peak millennial conflict resolution, honestly. We’re the generation that would rather die than have direct confrontation, and I was ahead of my time.I also kept a running log at the end of each journal entry about how I felt about each brother:* Daniel: “Haven’t spoken in two weeks” * Ryan: “Brainer superstar” (derogatory)* Jonathan: “Perfect child, never his spot a day in his life”* Dallin: Simply the word “annoying”Even at 10 years old, I was out here writing Yelp reviews of my siblings.The Things That Shocked Us MostRyan, discovering I kept detailed records of his teenage crimes: “Wait, you wrote about Jon vandalizing the school?”Me, reading my own words: “I listened to No Scrubs by TLC 17 times in a row and kept a tally.”Ryan: “That’s actually the most normal thing you’ve said all episode.”We also uncovered that I was convinced my sixth-grade teacher hated me because I wasn’t a volleyball superstar like Ryan. Imagine being that self-aware at 11 and still writing in your journal that boys don’t like you because you’re not cool enough, while simultaneously describing abandoned crushes as “Frenching girls galore” when they kiss someone else.The cognitive dissonance was REAL.The Broader Life Lesson (Because, if you haven’t clued in from the journal entries, We’re Deep Like That)Here’s what I learned from revisiting these journals: we’re all just walking around with the weird, dramatic, overthinking child we used to be still living inside us. I mean we are all doing that, right?I’m still passive-aggressive. I still think I’m funnier than I am. I still keep elaborate notes (now in my phone instead of a journal with a broken lock).And Ryan? Still showing up unprepared and somehow pulling it off. Still the person people like more than me. Still eating two burgers as the healthy option.Your Assignment (Yes, There’s Homework)We want to know: What’s your comfort food that nobody else understands?Mine’s beans on soggy toast. Ryan’s is peanut butter and banana on French bread. What’s yours? And more importantly, what childhood tradition are you still carrying that makes absolutely no sense to anyone else?Drop your answers in the comments, tag us on social, or send a voice memo. Bonus points if your comfort food is as disgusting as mine.---Want more stories about growing up in the chaos? Subscribe to The Dreyer Drive podcast wherever you get your shows, and leave us a 5-star rating if you want to hear Ryan attempt to defend his double burger order while I roast him for it.Until next time, remember: the truth is like cold water. It might not kill you, but it will definitely make you wish you’d never opened your childhood journals.Question for my journal peoples: What’s the most embarrassing thing YOU wrote in a childhood diary? Tell us in the comments. We’ll try to collect some non RICO enforceable content from Ryan’s singular childhood journal. --- This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

When Fairy Tales Were Actually Terrifying (And Other Stories We Were Fed As Kids)[From Ryan:] I need to start this off with a confession: I spent the first 15 minutes of recording this week’s episode thinking my sister wanted to do a deep dive on Wallace and Gromit. You know, the claymation duo? The cheese-loving inventor and his loyal dog? She did not.She wanted to talk about the Brothers Grimm. You know, the guys who basically invented every Disney movie you’ve ever seen, except their versions involved significantly more dismemberment and considerably less “happily ever after.”But before we get there, let me tell you about the absolutely unhinged parables we were told as children growing up in Ajax, Ontario.The Chocolate Chip Cookie Parable (Or: How We Were Brainwashed)Here’s the thing about growing up in our household: we weren’t just told normal bedtime stories. We were subjected to elaborate morality plays disguised as tales about chocolate cake and the color red.Stay with me here.There was this story—we called it “The Parable of the Chocolate Chip Cookies”—about a town where the only two rules were: 1) you couldn’t wear the color red, and 2) you couldn’t eat chocolate cake. That’s it. Murder? Fine. Grand theft auto? Have at it. But chocolate cake and red clothing? Absolutely forbidden.Enter the troll character (because of course there was a troll) who wanted to corrupt the townspeople. He couldn’t get them to jump straight to chocolate cake and red clothes, so he started small. First, it was chocolate milk—”It’s not chocolate cake, just milk with chocolate in it.” Then pink clothing—”It’s not red, it’s just pink!” Eventually, chocolate chip cookies—”Sure, there are chocolate chips, but the rest of the cookie is so good you don’t even notice them!”The moral? You can’t even get close to making a bad choice. You need to stay as far away as possible from anything that might lead you down the wrong path. No half measures. No compromises. Just pure, unadulterated distance from anything remotely questionable.Now, as an adult wearing a full red tracksuit while eating Godiva chocolates, I can see the irony.The Other Parables We SurvivedThe chocolate cake story wasn’t alone. There was also:The Truck Driver Story: Multiple drivers interview for a job, bragging about how close to the cliff’s edge they can drive. Two inches! One inch! Half an inch! The guy who gets the job? The one who says he’ll stay as far from the edge as possible. The intended lesson: don’t get close to danger. The lesson I learned: that half-inch guy probably drives F1 now and everyone talks about him at school.The Egg Story (which I apparently blocked from memory): According to Jacqueline, our Mom would draw a face on an egg, tell a story about little Egbert who didn’t listen to his mom about not riding his skateboard down the big hill, and then —at the climactic moment— DROP THE EGG INTO A BOWL to demonstrate what happens when you dare not to listen to your mother. The moral? Listen to your mom or you’ll splat like Egbert. The therapy bills? Stacking higher and higher. These weren’t Disney fairy tales. These were weapons-grade cautionary tales designed to keep us from roaming the streets of South Ajax wreaking havoc. The results? Questionable. Speaking of Disturbing Children’s Stories...Which brings us perfectly to today’s actual topic: the Brothers Grimm.Here’s what I knew about the Brothers Grimm before this episode: literally nothing except that they existed and weren’t Wallace and Gromit.Here’s what I know now: they were German academics named Jacob and Wilhelm who basically invented the concept of collecting folklore and turning it into bedtime terror fuel.These guys were responsible for:* Cinderella* Snow White * Sleeping Beauty* Rapunzel* Hansel and Gretel* Little Red Riding Hood* The Frog Prince* RumpelstiltskinYou know, just basically every Disney movie ever made. Except—and this is crucial—their original versions were significantly more violent than anything Walt Disney would touch with a ten-foot pole.The Original Stories Were WILDIn the Brothers Grimm’s original Cinderella, the stepsisters don’t just fail to fit into the glass slipper. They cut off their toes to make it fit. Because ambition, I guess?In the original Snow White, it’s not her stepmother who’s the villain… it’s her actual mother. And she doesn’t just want Snow White dead; she specifically requests her heart and lungs so she can eat them to become beautiful. Which is both disturbing and, according to my limited exposure to Sephora, a fundamental misunderstanding of how beauty works. The Frog Prince? In the original, the princess doesn’t kiss the frog. She picks him up and throws him into a wall, where he dies and transforms into a prince. Romance!The Brothers Behind the TalesJacob and Wilhelm Grimm were born in Germany in 1785 and 1786, only a year apart. They were two of nine children, and their father died when they were just 10 and 11 years old.This is where it gets interesting. Look at any Brothers Grimm story and notice: there are almost no father figures. And who’s the villain? Almost always a mother or stepmother character. They idealized fathers (who were largely absent from their lives) and villainized mothers (who struggled to raise nine children alone after their father’s death).It’s fascinating and tragic and also explains why every Disney villain is either a stepmother or literally named “Mother” something.After their mother died in 1808, Jacob, barely in his early twenties, became financially responsible for all his siblings. Both brothers worked for the War Office in Germany, where Jacob’s job included recovering artworks stolen by Napoleon (which is an absolutely wild resume line).Wilhelm got married in 1825, and then, in a plot twist that would make any sitcom writer jealous, Jacob moved in with Wilhelm and his wife. The three of them just lived together. Forever. Which, honestly, sounds like the dynamic of every friendship group in their twenties where one person gets married but everyone pretends nothing has changed…. The Legacy That Almost Wasn’tHere’s the kicker: if you asked the Brothers Grimm what their enduring legacy would be, they’d have said their dictionary, not their fairy tales. They worked on it their entire lives. They viewed language as what made people German, that the ultimate bond uniting the German people was their shared language.Their fairy tales? Just a side project. A little collection of 85 stories they released in 1812 to see how it would go.Those stories are now translated into 160 languages and are only outsold by Shakespeare and the Bible.Let me repeat that: The Bible, Shakespeare, and then the Brothers Grimm. That’s the bestseller list.The Dark Side (Besides the extreme and unnecessary Violence)During World War II, some of the original stories had anti-Semitic tones, and Nazi Germany made them required reading in schools. Every good German home was supposed to have a copy.But then, and this is where it gets interesting, after the war, people started using these same tales to fight against the Nazis. They’d say, “I understand how you’d interpret it that way, but here’s what it actually means.” At which point the Nazis banned them entirely.So these stories went from required reading to forbidden literature in the span of a few years. Wild.What This Says About How We Tell Stories TodaySitting here in my house in Okinawa, telling my daughters stories about neighborhood bad guys who jumped fences and family vacations we were mysteriously left out of (true story—I was 14 and woke up to a note that said “We went to Prince Edward Island for your birthday, here’s $25 for pizza, see you in a week”), I realize we’re all just doing what the Brothers Grimm did.We’re taking the weird, sometimes traumatic, often bizarre things from our lives and turning them into stories. We’re giving them morals, or at least trying to make sense of them. We’re creating a narrative that helps us process what happened and maybe, just maybe, gives our kids a framework for understanding the world?Except instead of “and then the stepsisters cut off their toes,” it’s “and then daddy and Uncle Dan stole the magic diamonds from Mayor Humdinger’s neck, which shrunk him back to size for the Durham Police to arrest him and bring him to jail.” Progress… I guess?My daughter and I tell stories at dinner where we take a sliver of truth from my childhood and just… see where it goes. She adds details. I add plot twists. We’re creating our own little folklore in real-time, and maybe someday her kids will listen to these podcast episodes and think “What the heck were they talking about?” Which is exactly what I think when I remember the chocolate chip cookie parable.The Real Moral of the StoryThe Brothers Grimm had rough childhoods and used their stories to make sense of the world. They documented the brutal reality of peasant life, then tried to sanitize it enough that it wouldn’t completely traumatize children. They mostly failed at that second part, but their stories endured anyway because Disney succeeded with the sanitization.And isn’t that what we’re all doing? Taking our experiences, whether it’s being left behind on family vacations, or watching neighborhood kids jump fences and then get arrested, or being told elaborate parables about chocolate cake and turning them into something we can share?Stories are how we process. They’re how we connect. They’re how we make sense of the absolutely bonkers things that happen in our lives.And if the Brothers Grimm taught us anything, it’s that sometimes the stories that stick around the longest are the weird ones. The ones that don’t quite fit the mold. The ones that maybe shouldn’t be told to children but are told anyway because someone thought there was a lesson in there somewhere.So here’s my question for you: What weird stories were you told as a kid? What bizarre parables did your family subject you to? And more importantly: do you find yourself telling equally weird stories to your kids now?Let us know. Seriously. We need to know we’re not alone in this. ---Listen to the full episode for: Ryan’s confusion about F1 drivers (and his newly assigned favorite, Carlos Sainz), Jacqueline’s deep dive into why Disney owes everything to two German brothers, and Jonathan’s perfectly timed roast of Ryan’s disco-ball Christmas tree.Subscribe to the podcast and leave us a 5-star review so we know whether to keep doing this or just accept that we’re creating content for AI training data and international cafes that play podcasts in languages their customers don’t understand.Question for the week: What’s the weirdest parable or cautionary tale you were told growing up? Drop it in the comments or send us a message. We’re collecting material for when we inevitably write our own disturbing children’s book.---The Dreyer Drive Podcast: Where two siblings process their childhood one unhinged memory at a time. Hosted by Ryan (currently in Okinawa, overthinking everything) and Jacqueline (in her log house in Utah, planning surprise episodes). New episodes every two weeks. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

We Fed Our Entire Podcast to AI and The Results Were... UnhingedWhat happens when you give artificial intelligence 45 hours of sibling chaos to analyze? This episode. That’s what.Ryan (my brother, currently living his best overthinking life in Okinawa) decided to take every single transcript from our podcast—all 37 episodes, 524,829 words of pure, unfiltered sibling energy—and feed it to Claude. His mission? To create our first annual “Unraveled” awards ceremony, because apparently we’ve reached the point in our podcast journey where we’re analyzing ourselves like we’re some kind of cultural phenomenon instead of two Canadians who forgot to mention Tim Hortons more than six times.The kicker? Claude was excited about it. The AI literally said, “This is going to be fun. Let me dive into 45 hours of dryer chaos and start mining for gold.”Even robots think we’re entertaining. I don’t know whether to be flattered or concerned.If you want to follow along with us for this episode, click the image below to be taken to the Unraveled website. The Moment We Realized We Say “Like” More Than We BreatheI’m just going to rip the band-aid off here: We said “like” 18,238 times.That’s once every 8.9 seconds. EVERY. 8.9. SECONDS.Ryan put it on the screen during the reveal, and honestly, I wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there forever, but was also, like, proud? We were both educated! In Canada! At South Ajax’s finest schools! And yet here we are, verbal tick champions of the millennial generation, saying “like” so frequently that it could be classified as a nervous system response rather than actual speech.For context, our second-most used word was “right” at 1,581 mentions. That’s not even CLOSE. It’s not even in the same universe. If you graphed it, “like” would be a skyscraper and everything else would be someone’s basement apartment.But first—before we spiral into existential crisis territory—let me tell you about the other words on our “Verbal Tick Leaderboard”:* Actually: 926 times (very on-brand for siblings who need to correct each other constantly)* I don’t know: 546 times (the theme of this podcast, truly)* Sorry: 329 times (🇨🇦 flag absolutely necessary here)* Truly: 149 times (that’s me, and I’m not even sorry about it)* Unhinged: Made it to seventh place, which feels deeply appropriateMcDonald’s vs. Tim Hortons: A National DisgraceOkay, so here’s where it gets embarrassing for our Canadian heritage.McDonald’s mentions: 119Tim Hortons mentions: 6That’s a 20-to-1 ratio, guys. The AI stamped us with the “Un-Canadian” seal of approval, and honestly? Fair. We deserve it. I mention McDonald’s approximately once every 23 minutes of podcast content, which tracks with how often I think about McDonald’s in real life.(Ryan, for the record, flexes constantly that he hasn’t been to McDonald’s since 2004, which is somehow both impressive and deeply suspicious. Like, not even once? Not even in an airport at 3am when you’re questioning all your life choices? Sure, Ryan.)The last time I was in Canada, Tim Hortons had butter tarts that had no business being as good as they were. Ryan also begged our parents to bring him Timbits when they visited Ryan in Okinawa—just buy them at the airport, they’ll stay fresh for 24 hours, he said. Birthday cake Timbits specifically, because sometimes you just need one. Or twelve. Or just enough to feel guilt and shame, at the same time. I also need to mention the peach drink from Tim Hortons, which is my second favorite thing from there. It burns going down from the sheer amount of artificial flavoring and sugar, and I love it. It makes your mouth taste sweet for like six hours afterward and probably contributes to tooth decay, but that’s future me’s problem. Present me just wants that gas station peach drink energy.We’re Surprisingly Obsessed With DeathMost Morbid Discovery Alert:For a podcast that’s supposed to be about nostalgic childhood memories and pop culture, we are *shockingly* morbid. Ryan built this whole section with a flashlight cursor moving around in the dark revealing these numbers, and I was genuinely sweating:* Ghost: 55 mentions* Haunted: 13 mentions * Kill/Killed: 60 mentions* Murder: 30 mentions* Death/Dead/Died: 293 mentionsThat’s nearly 500 references to murder, death, and general morbidity. We’re going to be suspects in something one day, I swear. There’s going to be a true crime documentary about us where they show slow-motion footage of us laughing on the podcast with ominous music playing. “They seemed so normal,” someone will say. “They lit up every room they entered.”(They’ll show us literally lighting up a room with a flashlight because we were looking for evidence we definitely didn’t hide, but the editing will make it look suspicious.)To be fair, we did do episodes on the Menendez Brothers, the Alcatraz escape, and various other crimes throughout history. But still. Maybe we should dial it back in 2026? Maybe focus on, I don’t know, Lisa Frank stickers or something?Family Mentions: Mom Wins (Obviously)The Family Mentioned Leaderboard:* Mom - 726 times (I know she’s reading this with the biggest smile on her face right now. Hi Mom! You won!)* Dad - beer puke story provider* Dan - The Chaos King - 443 mentions* Jonathan - No label, which is very Jonathan of him* Me (Jacqueline) - “Co-host and Crying Enthusiast” * Ryan - “Co-host”* Taylor and her butt tumorI was actually right about my prediction—Daniel IS the most talked-about sibling. With sound bites like “Daniel energy,” “so on-brand for Daniel,” “Daniel strikes again,” and “this is so Daniel,” our younger brother has officially been crowned the Chaos King. And honestly? He earned it. The man ruled our household with an iron fist growing up, and apparently we’re still not over it.Also, can we discuss the fact that Dallin didn’t even make the list, but Taylor’s butt tumor did? Our sweet departed beagle and her unfortunate tumor got 31 separate mentions across the podcast. When Taylor was alive, we would desperately tell visitors “don’t look at it, whatever you do, please don’t acknowledge the butt tumor.” Now we talk about it constantly like it’s part of our family lore. We’re like Eminem in 8 Mile—we’re owning our trauma. “Yeah, we had a dog with a butt tumor! What about it?!”The Croissant Incident: A Top Three Unhinged MomentSpeaking of trauma, let’s discuss what the AI determined were our most unhinged text messages of 2025.Third Place: Dad’s “crusty damp panties” response during a game of Ransom Note (I physically cannot type those words without feeling ill, but there they are, immortalized by AI in an animated slide where each word stamps onto the screen one at a time like a ransom note, because Ryan is COMMITTED to the bit)Second Place: Dad’s comment about mom getting beer puke in her hair and motorcycle helmet from a drunk guy high up on a ride (our family dynamics are truly something special)First Place: My stroke scare.Aka THE CROISSANT INCIDENT.So here’s what happened: I texted the family group chat—not 911, not a doctor, but the FAMILY GROUP CHAT—because I was convinced I was having a stroke. The telltale sign? I kept smelling croissants. Everywhere. Just constant phantom croissant smell following me around my log house in Utah.Turns out—and I truly cannot emphasize enough how ridiculous this is—I had bought a croissant-scented air freshener, plugged it in, and completely forgotten about both the purchase AND the plugging-in. Multiple layers of chaos here:* I bought a croissant-scented air freshener (who does that?)* I plugged it in and forgot* I smelled it and thought “stroke” instead of “air freshener”* I texted my family instead of calling a medical professional* It took me WAY too long to remember the air freshener existedRyan built a whole animation for this with croissant emojis floating across the screen, and I have to admit, it’s art.My Awards Acceptance SpeechLook, I’m not going to lie—when Ryan started revealing all these awards, I felt like that kid in church who won “Special Child of the Week.” Remember that? Where they’d describe you before announcing your name? “This child can paint really good flower pots... wait, nevermind, they painted a hamburger... Jacqueline Rochelle Porter!”Here are my wins:🏆 The Crying Achievement Award - 158 references to me crying, including two actual instances of crying live on the podcast. My most iconic tear quote: “I will cry every day until Christmas” (there were still 78 days until Christmas when I said that, and yes, dear reader, I kept my word)🏆 The Golden Arches Award - For McDonald’s mentions dominating our Canadian identity🏆 Co-winner of the Unhinged Text Award - For the croissant stroke scare (though I’m giving this one to Dad in the spirit of the Macklemore/Kendrick Grammy moment)When Ryan showed me all these awards stacking up, I imagined myself doing that post-ceremony press conference photo where one person wins everything and they’re holding like seventeen Grammys. That’s me. That’s my 2026 energy.The Devil’s Podcast: Our Most Meta MomentThe final award? The one that really sent me?We mentioned our own podcast 666 times.Six. Seis. Roku.Ryan made it reveal like a slot machine, and when those numbers lined up, I genuinely gasped. That’s approximately 18 self-references per episode, which... look, we KNOW we’re bottom-five podcasts on the entire internet. We say it with pride! Our most common self-aware moments include:* “This is bottom five podcasts on the entire internet”* “No one’s listening” * “Why do we always talk about puke on this podcast?”But here’s the thing—we talk about ourselves constantly because we’re genuinely baffled that this exists. It’s like we’re constantly checking in with each other: “Are we still doing this? Are we still recording ourselves having sibling conversations? Okay cool, just checking.”Behind the Scenes: Ryan’s Conversations With AIThe true unhinged content from this episode wasn’t even the awards—it was Ryan’s text updates to me as Claude analyzed our podcast. * “Claude says this is incredible data”* “It’s literally having a fun time doing the analysis” * “It keeps reading things by itself and making comments”At one point, Ryan was working with Lovable AI to build the awards website, and he realized the Taylor’s butt tumor slide wasn’t dramatic enough. So he told the AI he needed “a missing butt tumor animation” and a “better reveal.”The AI responded—I kid you not—with: “Let me add the butt tumor slide handler” and included in its technical update: “Item #9: Butt tumor tracker - new component added with bouncing peaches animation.”Ryan is definitely on a list now. And the beautiful thing about AI is that it aggregates all this information, which means Taylor’s butt tumor is now part of Claude’s understanding of human conversation. Somewhere in the future, an AI is going to recommend butt tumor content to someone asking for podcast ideas, and it’ll be because of us.We’re pioneers, truly.What This All Means (If Anything)Here’s what I learned from having 45 hours of my life analyzed by artificial intelligence:* We say “like” more than I breathe (working on it, I’m truly not)* I cry a lot and I’m not even sorry about it* My McDonald’s obsession is worse than I thought (Noa knows Auntie Jacqueline’s favorite food is McDonald’s fries, which is both accurate and devastating)* We’re morbid chaos agents who somehow convinced even a robot that we’re interesting* Mom will always be #1 (as she should be)* Daniel’s legacy of chaos lives on in every episode* We’re incredibly self-aware about being incredibly un-self-awareRyan spent hours building out this whole website experience, complete with award envelope reveals, animations, and bouncing peach emojis. The dedication to making a professional analysis of our deeply unprofessional podcast is *chef’s kiss*.We’re Making This an Annual TraditionThat’s right—we’re committing to doing “Unraveled” every year. Will we still be podcasting next year? Who knows! But if we record even one episode in 2026, we’re doing this again. I need to see if my “truly” count goes up or if Ryan can go a full year without mentioning Nazis (his 2026 resolution, apparently, which is already concerning that it needed to be a resolution).Next year, I want to see:* Word clouds for each family member* Positive vs. negative sentiment analysis on our family mentions * A “like” counter live on every episode (accountability)* More croissant incident-level chaos, honestlyYour TurnOkay, so here’s my question for you, whether you’ve been here since episode one or you stumbled upon this because you follow creators with zero followers as a public service:What’s the most embarrassing thing AI would discover about YOU if it analyzed your entire digital footprint?Because let’s be real—we all have our “like” equivalent. Mine just happens to be documented in 45 hours of audio that now lives forever on the internet, analyzed by an AI that found us delightful.Leave a comment if you’re reading this on Substack. Tell us who you are and WHY you’re subjecting yourself to this content. We genuinely want to know. We can’t help but love you for being here.And if you haven’t already, please subscribe to the podcast wherever you listen. Leave us a five-star review. Tell your friends about the podcast with 666 self-mentions. Be part of the chaos.Until next time (like, next time, truly, like)Ryan and JacquelineP.S. - The full “Unraveled” website experience is live and includes all the animations, award reveals, and bouncing peach emojis your heart could desire. Check the show notes for the link. P.P.S. - Mom, I know you’re reading this. You won.--- This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

We need to talk about something important. Something that speaks to the very core of who we are as a generation raised on VHS tapes, Tang, and the wild belief that wearing a Kangol hat made you cool.This week’s episode started innocently enough—like most disasters do—with a casual mention of a Kangol hat. And before we knew it, Ryan and I were spiraling down a rabbit hole about early 2000s fashion that neither of us saw coming. (But here’s the thing: we’re workshopping content in real time, people. This is professional podcasting at its finest.)The Kangol Revelation (Or: Things We Thought We Knew)Did you know Kangol was founded in 1938? Yeah, neither did we.In our defense, Kangol screams 2001-2005. It’s Samuel L. Jackson in every movie. It’s that one friend who thought they were LL Cool J. (It’s me I’m the friend). It’s the accessory that made you feel like you had “made it” even though you were wearing it to a grade nine dance at the YMCA.But 1938? That’s wild. That’s your grandpa’s generation wild. That’s “we wore these hats while storming beaches” territory, not “I wore this while awkwardly asking someone to slow dance to Usher.”The best part? The kangaroo logo was only added in 1983 because Americans kept asking where they could buy “the kangaroo hat.” The brand just... went with it. Peak marketing. No notes.When Your Dog Becomes a Criminal MastermindBut first—because this is how we operate—I need to tell you about the absolute sitcom-level chaos that unfolded at my house last week.Picture this: I’m out running errands. My dog Birdie (who is a sociopath, let’s just establish that) is on her lead on the front porch. My father-in-law kindly lets her out because she seemed to be enjoying the sun. Sweet, right?Wrong.An Amazon delivery guy FLINGS a package onto my porch—because Birdie is there and he’s nervous—and Birdie, bless her chaotic little heart, thinks it’s a toy. She drags the box onto the lawn (where I can’t see her on the Ring camera) and proceeds to RIP IT APART.Now, here’s where it gets truly Porter family-level absurd.A sweet woman from my neighborhood stops by to drop off a Christmas treat (because apparently where I live, people still do this). She finds:- My front door WIDE OPEN (Birdie can open doors, naturally)- A COUCH blocking the entire porch (delivered that same day)- Birdie’s crime scene on the lawn- Complete silence inside the houseThis woman literally walks INTO MY HOUSE calling “Hello? Jacqueline? Are you here?” thinking I’ve been MURDERED.She then goes outside, starts picking up all the destroyed Amazon items (an electric nail file with bits EVERYWHERE), and—I’m watching all of this on the Ring camera in real-time in abject horror at lunch—SHE STEPS IN DOG POOP.I watch her wipe her shoe in the grass. Over and over. Then she gets a water bottle. Then she’s sitting on the edge of her car, pouring water on her shoes, STILL in my driveway when we pull up.“I thought you were murdered,” she tells me.“Nope,” I say. “I just wish I was.”The Water Weenie Problem (Or: Why I Can’t Let Things Go)Here’s something I’m learning about myself at 41: I still haven’t learned to let go of the water weenie.You remember water weenies, right? Those gel-filled tubes that you could NEVER hold onto? The harder you squeezed, the faster they’d shoot out of your hands?That’s me with... everything.Case in point: I planned the PERFECT Christmas scavenger hunt for my work party. Fifty people. Twenty-nine kids. Cute photo challenges like “take a picture with someone who looks like Santa” and “do a pose on an escalator.” I even put MONEY in the envelopes so they could complete tasks like “buy yourself a treat.”I’m picturing these adorable children having the time of their lives, making memories, being Instagram-ready cute.We finish dinner. I hand out the envelopes with strict instructions not to open them yet. We all meet at the mall to start together.I’m the last one to arrive (because I’m talking to the restaurant about the bill, being responsible and adult). I get to the mall and there’s a SECURITY GUY waiting for me.“Are you in charge of this?”“...yes?”“You are not allowed to do that here.”Fifty people. Staring at me. Waiting for the fun to begin.Tim the Security Guy (bah humbug, Tim) explains that scavenger hunts “throw off the metrics” of stores. People are supposed to be shopping, not... having fun? Creating memories? I don’t know, Tim. I DON’T KNOW.I try everything. “What if nobody goes into stores?” No. “What if we’re spending money?” No. “What if I cry?” (I didn’t actually say that one, but I thought about it. Because I definitely was about to start.)So I pivot. I make up a completely different activity on the spot. Some kids end up just... buying themselves presents with the money, which is fine, whatever, chaos reigns.But here’s the Porter family part: Three guys from our group decide to do the scavenger hunt ANYWAY. They’re sending pictures to the group chat. They’re singing Jingle Bells in the food court. They’re being DEFIANT.And when we leave? My son Andrew walks up to the security desk—where Tim is conveniently on break—and tells the woman there: “Tell Tim he’s invited to the scavenger hunt next year. Same time, same place.”That’s my boy. Mean streak and all.The Certified Sweetie Man Scale (A Scientific Classification System)I need to introduce you to something I invented: The Certified Sweetie Man Scale.A Certified Sweetie Man is a man—usually older—who has NO GUILE. No malice. No hard edges. Just pure, soft, sweet energy. Dad is peak Certified Sweetie Man. He’s the standard by which all others are measured.My family now asks me after meeting someone: “Is he certified?”And I’m the only one who can make that judgment because I invented the scale.Justin, my husband, desperately wants certification. He will never get it. Andrew, my wonderfully mean son who tells security guards they’re invited to next year’s rebellion? Will never be certified. Ryan? Sorry, brother. No certification for you.But here’s the thing: The Porter family Christmas NEEDS Certified Sweetie Man energy to balance out our chaos. It’s why Mrs. Gerlitz—our childhood crossing guard who somehow became family—was so important. It’s why dad wearing our too-tight tank top and laughing so hard his belly shook like “a can of cranberries” (Ryan’s words) is a core memory.Speaking of memories that randomly surface...The **ASPEN** Cologne Incident (And Other Dreyer Drive ClassicsYou know what just unlocked our brains during this episode? ASPEN COLOGNE. Despite calling it “Alpine” multiple times in this episode. The green bottle. The copper top. The fact that every Christmas, multiple Porter boys received this cologne and proceeded to empty it within weeks because we were teenagers who thought 53 sprays was the appropriate amount before leaving the house.Then they’d sneak into dad’s room and steal HIS Aspen.Why is this information stored in my brain? Why can I smell it RIGHT NOW, 20+ years later?This is what happens when you grow up in a house where:- Police showed up multiple times (the marble incident, anyone?)- Someone threw a VHS tape at your face hard enough to leave blood on the corner- Your valedictorian speech was recorded over by your brother’s valedictorian speech- Dad dyed his hair green with Kool-Aid for St. Patrick’s Day and it stayed that way FOR MONTHS because gray hair + Kool-Aid = permanent decision(Mom and Dad, I know you’re reading this. That last one happened. We all remember.)Will It Porter? The Hallmark Christmas Movie GameOkay, here’s where things get fun. Because I watch A LOT of Hallmark Christmas movies. The trashier, the better. Give me a woman falling in love with a ghost rum-runner. Give me someone accidentally handcuffed to a stranger for the holidays. Give me Hot Frosty (a snowman who comes to life, plays men’s hockey, and falls for a café owner—it’s filmed in Brockville, Ontario, and yes, it’s VERY Canadian).So I invented a game: Will It Porter?The premise: I describe the plot of various Hallmark Christmas movies that involve siblings, and Ryan decides if the Porter family would find themselves in a similar situation.Round 1: Three Wise Men and a BabyThe Plot: Three estranged brothers are forced to care for a baby left at one brother’s fire station. They fumble through diapers while learning about responsibility, eventually deciding to decorate their mom’s house for a Christmas lights contest with a “Three Wise Men” theme.Ryan’s Verdict: “One thousand percent Will It Porter.”The baby part? Dallin and Jonathan would have NO IDEA what to do. Jonathan wearing oven mitts to change a diaper with kitchen tongs is absolutely something that would happen.But the Christmas lights contest? THAT’S where it really Porters. Ryan and I would have STRONG OPINIONS about decorating strategy. We’d debate. We’d compete. We’d make it unnecessarily complicated.Meanwhile, Jonathan would complain while executing everything perfectly, and Dan would show up when it’s all done asking why nobody told him we were decorating.Round 2: Five Star ChristmasThe Plot: A family runs a B&B and thinks a famous travel critic is staying there. They all pretend to be lavish guests and staff to get a good review, leading to chaos and romantic deceptions.Ryan’s Verdict: “This is any time a guest comes over for dinner at the Porter household.”THIS ONE HITS DIFFERENT.Because we DID this. Every single time someone visited Dreyer Drive, it was SHOWTIME. We weren’t asked to be on our best behavior—we were asked to give the BEST PERFORMANCE.We had our highlight reel of stories ready: The “just punch him in the face” mom moment. The police showing up for marble-related crimes. Someone breaking a bone doing something ridiculous. All carefully deployed at strategic moments during dinner.We’d even stage cute little fights—nothing real, just enough to give them “the big family experience.”And here’s the thing: We KNEW we were performing. We were so aware of it. The dining room was literally the SET. As soon as guests left? Someone probably punched someone for real.But in the moment? Flawless execution. Give us our Oscars.The Sausage Roll SituationCan we talk about Christmas Eve food for a second? Because Ryan and I both agree: Christmas Eve was THE event. More important than Christmas Day. And it was mostly about the food.The pierogies with bacon bits and sour cream. The ramaki (chicken wrapped in bacon with water chestnuts—very 1970s cocaine party vibes). The sausage rolls from M&M Meats that you’d eat seventeen of until you wanted to throw up.And here’s something beautiful about the Porter Christmas: Things were only ADDED, never removed. Every year, someone would request a new item, and mom would just... add it. No substitutions. Only additions.By the end, Christmas Eve was this glorious chaos of:* Meatballs with grape jelly and chili sauce (the “secret family recipe”)* Porcupine meatballs* Christmas wreath (broccoli, chicken, cheese in Pillsbury croissant dough)* Cherry cheese tarts on a tray stolen from a church kitchen* Auntie Gayle’s raisinless butter tarts (that she made specifically because she overheard me complaining about raisins ONCE)And mom would check with each of us beforehand: “Ryan, do you want the Christmas wreath this year?”The answer was always yes. For me, 40 sausage rolls. All of them.The Asthma Situation (Or: How Ryan Became Certified… Not as a Sweetie Man, But as an Individual With Asthma)Quick sidebar about life insurance and accidental self-sabotage:Ryan’s going through the process of getting life insurance in Japan (for the house situation). He needs a health check. He goes to my regular doctor.The doctor asks how he’s feeling after being sick recently. He casually mentions, “Oh yeah, I went to another clinic and got an inhaler because you guys were closed.”The doctor writes something down.He finishes the interview, gets in the car. Seiko opens the letter.“You have asthma?”“I do NOT have asthma.”“It says right here, documented by a doctor, that you have asthma.”So now he’s officially an asthma man. Once you’re certified as an asthma man, you’re certified forever. The certification never expires.(Meanwhile, as a child, I was SO JEALOUS of kids with inhalers. Finally got my wish at 40-something. Be careful what you wish for.)The Main Character Energy We All DeserveHere’s what I love about growing up the way we did: We had MAIN CHARACTER ENERGY before that was even a thing.Remember being convinced someone was following you on the walk to the Gilbey’s house—ONE BLOCK AWAY—so you’d walk up to a random neighbor’s door and pretend it was your house? Just in case?Or the way we’d form these ragtag groups walking to school, picking up more kids along the way like we were collecting Pokémon?Ryan experiences this now with Noa in Okinawa. She walks home with NINE KIDS, and he’s become the accidental Pied Piper. Other parents have noticed. “Who’s that tall white guy with nine kids?”Every single one of those kids maps to a Dreyer Drive kid. There’s a Tommy who wants to walk separately and tell Ryan animal facts. There’s the kid who uses words they shouldn’t and looks at Ryan to see if he’ll correct them (he won’t—”guys, I’m not your dad”).Last week, two kids got in a fight and Noah tried to get Ryan to solve it. His response? “One of these nine kids is mine. That’s you. I will only step in if there’s physical violence.”This is PEAK Dreyer Drive parenting philosophy.The Storage Room TheoryRyan had this thought during the episode that made me laugh and also feel incredibly seen:He imagines a future where we all come together to sort through mom and dad’s storage room. Going through decades of accumulated stuff. The BB gun Dan used to shoot our cat. The incomplete hockey card collection (because Dan SOLD THEM). VHS tapes with blood still on the corners.And as we go through everything, all these buried emotions and memories surface. We fight over things. We remember things. We laugh. Someone probably cries.It’s basically “The Joyful Mrs. Miracle” (a Hallmark movie about siblings dealing with their grandmother’s estate) but instead of a castle in Scotland, it’s a basement in Ajax, Ontario.And instead of Mrs. Miracle appearing to help, it’s just us, increasingly unhinged, holding a decades-old Santa collection and asking “WHY DID WE KEEP THIS?”The Big Family Performance ArtLooking back at all of this—the chaos, the performance, the way we’d turn on “big family energy” for guests—I realize we were creating something special.Not perfect. Not always healthy. Definitely not suitable for a Hallmark movie (unless it’s the chaotic one).But it was OURS.And the beauty of podcasting with Ryan is that we get to preserve these moments. The random memories that surface. The way saying “Alpine cologne” can unlock an entire sensory experience. The fact that we can debate whether the Porter family would end up in various absurd situations and the answer is almost always “yes, but make it weirder.”Because here’s the thing about nostalgia: It’s not about remembering things perfectly. It’s about remembering them truly. The good, the bad, the stepping-in-dog-poop moments, and the Christmas Eve food that somehow holds an entire childhood.What We’re Taking Into 2026As we wrap up this last episode of 2025 (and yes, we’re taking a holiday break because even we need to recharge), I’m thinking about what made this year special.We stuck with this podcast. Ryan and I have tried ventures before—they usually don’t make it past a couple months. But we’re here. We’re still going. Our four listeners (me, Ryan, and two other brave souls) are still with us. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

Or what should be titled: When Christmas Movies Raised Us Better Than Our Siblings DidOr: How We Learned Everything About the Holidays from VHS Tapes and Nothing from Each OtherIt’s the most wonderful time of the year. December hits different when you’re an elder millennial who was raised by a combination of questionable parenting decisions, red food coloring, and whatever was playing on the CBC Sunday Night Movie. And what I wish wasn’t true: Jacqueline literally cannot make it through the entire month of December without crying. Not once. Not twice. Every. Single. Day.This isn’t an exaggeration. She sees someone hold a door open at Target while wishing everybody happy holidays and she’s reaching for tissues like a Claritan commercial. The Crying Starts Early (November 30th, Technically)We recorded this episode on November 30th—NOVEMBER 30TH PEOPLE—and Jacqueline was already sobbing about people being nice to each other not even 8 minutes into the episode. Her daughter is spending her first holiday season in Ecuador, and when someone threw her a surprise Thanksgiving dinner, Jacqueline texted me about it while simultaneously crying about human kindness.“I just... people were being NICE to her, Ryan.”Ma’am, it’s not even December yet. We haven’t even gotten to the Hallmark movies. You need to pace yourself.The Great Christmas Emotion ParadoxHere’s what’s wild about growing up in our house: for 11 months of the year, we were basically a reality TV show waiting to happen (the reality show being COPS). Siblings fighting over computer time. Someone always getting injured over a VHS tape (true story—Dallin gave Jacqueline a permanent scar because of an Aladdin tape). The general chaos of five kids, two parents, one tumor-protruding dog, and exactly zero chill. None to be found anywhere. But then December would roll around and for approximately three hours on Christmas morning, we became the family we spent the other 364 days pretending to be. The bay window. The tree. The concentrated chaos that somehow felt... right?It was wild in a household like ours where there was a lot of kh@o$ and we didn’t often get along. But we rallied SO HARD for Christmas. For those three hours, we were that family.The VHS Tapes That Raised UsBefore we get into the full list (because yes, we’re making an official Dreyer Drive Christmas Viewing Guide), let me tell you about the real MVP of our childhood: the VHS tape that had BOTH Mr. Bean’s Christmas AND Saturday Night Live Season 22, Episode 9 recorded on it.This tape. THIS TAPE. This was appointment viewing.Merry Christmas, Mr. Bean is a 30-minute masterpiece of physical comedy that every Canadian kid knows by heart. You haven’t lived until you’ve watched Mr. Bean terrorize a department store nativity scene by escalating the toys from a sheep to a moving truck to a military helicopter. That’s cinema, baby.And then—THEN—we had the SNL episode from December 14, 1996, hosted by Rosie O’Donnell with musical guest Whitney Houston. This episode had EVERYTHING: Mary Catherine Gallagher. The Spartan Cheerleaders. Delicious Dish. It was like someone at NBC said, “Let’s make the most ‘90s thing possible and also accidentally create the Porter family’s entire sense of humor.”The Growing Pains Episode That Destroyed JacquelineOkay, so Jacqueline made me promise to tell you about this because apparently she needs the entire internet to know she’s emotionally compromised by a 1980s sitcom.There’s an episode of Growing Pains—a CHRISTMAS episode—where Ben (the youngest kid) brings home a homeless girl because he learned about being kind during the holidays. The family takes her in, feeds her, gives her clothes, the whole nine yards. Very heartwarming stuff.Christmas morning comes. All the presents are GONE. The girl stole everything and left. Even Ben’s socks and underwear. (Side note: this “even my socks and underwear” line is permanently burned into our brains.)But then—plot twist—they find all the presents on the front porch. She couldn’t go through with it. And the final scene? The girl is in a phone booth calling her dad, and when she says “Hi, Dad,” her voice cracks and—Jacqueline is currently crying again just thinking about it.She watched this episode the other day to prep for our podcast and texted me: “I AM INCONSOLABLE. THIS GIRL IS RECONNECTING WITH HER FATHER.”[Photo comparison coming of Jacqueline’s face before and after watching this episode]The Official Dreyer Drive Christmas Movie PlaylistIf you want to have an authentic Dryer Drive Christmas experience (and honestly, why wouldn’t you?), here’s your required viewing:The Essentials:* Mr. Bean’s Christmas (non-negotiable)* Saturday Night Live Season 22, Episode 9 (the cultural touchstone)* Growing Pains Christmas Episode (bring tissues)* Home Alone (we covered this extensively last year, but Noah is fully into it now, so it remains valid)* A Christmas Story (”You’ll shoot your eye out!” was peak comedy for 8-year-old boys)* National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (though now we side with Margo and Todd, which is how you know we’re adults)The Controversial Picks:* The Santa Clause (the perfect “explain Santa to me so I can believe for two more years” movie)* Muppet Christmas Carol (Jacqueline’s #1 Christmas Carol adaptation and she will fight you on this)* Little Women (1994 Winona Ryder version ONLY—Jacqueline’s entire understanding of sister relationships came from this movie, which explains... a lot)The Time Capsules:* Jingle All the Way (objectively terrible, 20% on Rotten Tomatoes, but we love it anyway because nostalgia is a hell of a drug)* Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (the old stop-motion one—Daniel is definitely the Abominable Snowman)The Grown-up Addition:* The Family Man (didn’t hit right until we became parents ourselves, now it DESTROYS us)Things We’ve Learned From Christmas Movies* From Home Alone: Sometimes the most chaotic child is actually just waiting to become an excellent parent who will teach their kids the art of the elaborate prank.* From The Santa Claus: Neil (the stepdad) is the only person making sense in that entire movie. We side with Neil now. We ARE Neil. And we want his sweaters. * From National Lampoon’s: Justice for Margo and Todd. They deserved better neighbors.* From Little Women: Sister relationships look incredibly meaningful (Jacqueline’s words, as the only sister in a house full of brothers).* From The Family Man: You don’t know what you’ve got until you’ve changed a diaper at 3 AM and suddenly EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE.The Part Where We Made This About Sibling Warfare(Because of course we did.)I stumbled upon a Reddit community called “Siblings From Hell” and honestly? We could have authored half those posts. Some highlights that hit a little too close to home:* “Sister tried to strangle me and hurt my arm just because of a clothing hanger”* “Told my sister that she’s ugly for the first time in 22 years”* “My pathetic sister” (we’re pretty sure one of us wrote this)But here’s the real tea: remember those hockey cards I got for Christmas? The ones where I got all the good rookies and limited edition cards? Daniel convinced me we should put all our best cards together in one shared album. Very brotherly. Very collaborative.A month later, the album was empty. Daniel had sold EVERY. SINGLE. CARD.My Christmas present. Gone. Liquidated. Turned into whatever Daniel bought with the money (probably more mannequin legs, pellet guns, or a digital scale if we’re being honest about his childhood “hobbies”).And you know what the worst part is? I deserved it. I fell for it AGAIN. Daniel’s superpower is being able to sell you on literally anything, and I am Patient Zero for his schemes.Why Christmas Hits Different NowHere’s what I’ve realized as a dad to two girls: Christmas metamorphoses through different life stages. As a kid, it’s pure magic. As a tween, you need movies like The Santa Clause to explain things so you can keep believing. As a teenager, you’re basically dead inside except for those three hours on Christmas morning.But then you become a parent and the cycle resets. Watching Noa (almost 7) experience all of this. The elf visiting our house, the Christmas lights we can’t find in Okinawa because they don’t make them like they do in Canada, her concern that Santa won’t find our house? It’s like experiencing Christmas through a completely new lens.And Naia (one and a half) is already showing Porter genes. The other night, she put Kleenexes over her eyes and walked around bumping into things for the bit. SHE’S FULLY COMMITTING TO THE BIT AT 18 MONTHS OLD. She’s walking into doors, the high chair, the child-proof gate, and she WILL NOT take the tissues off her eyes because the laugh is the fuel. That’s pure Porter DNA right there.The Thing About Siblings (The Serious Part)(We’re allowed to have one serious part, okay?)Jacqueline and I were talking about how we didn’t really become friends until we all left home. And yeah, space helped (like A LOT of said space). But here’s what really changed: we got to see each other become OTHER things.(According to Jacqueline) Not just Ryan the annoying big brother, but Ryan the dad, the husband, the person living in Japan trying to navigate bureaucracy while preventing customer harassment incidents at City Hall.Not just Jacqueline the sister who read too much, but Jacqueline the mom, the wife, the person who orders “Coke in a cup” (or her hands) at drive-thrus and then just... accepts two cupfuls of Coke instead of saying anything because confrontation is hard.We got to see each other in roles we were actually GOOD at, and suddenly the childhood versions kinda made more sense. Understanding each other as adults helps explain why we were the way we were as kids.(We’re not crying, you’re crying.)Your AssignmentSince we’re in the spirit of spreading Christmas nostalgia like it’s 1996 and we just recorded SNL on a VHS tape:1. Watch at least one movie from our list that you haven’t seen in years. Report back on whether it holds up or whether you’re now traumatized.2. Tell us YOUR essential Christmas viewing. What did your family watch religiously? What still makes you tear up? What would you force your kids to watch?3. Share your sibling chaos stories. What did your brothers or sisters do that you’re STILL not over? What would be your Reddit thread title in “Siblings From Hell”?Drop a comment, send us a message, or just sit with your own nostalgia for a bit. We’ll be here, crying about Growing Pains and arguing about whether Jingle All the Way deserves its 20% Rotten Tomatoes score.Oh and just incase you wanted to see the jacket that I sent in the sibling thread, here you go. Diversity & Freedom. #BLESSED---Come hang out with us on the podcast! New episodes drop bi-weekly (when we feel like it) on all your favorite podcast platforms. Leave us a five-star review and tell us about your chaotic childhood holiday memories. We read every single one while ugly-crying into our Christmas cookies.Question for you: What’s the ONE Christmas movie or TV special that absolutely MUST be watched in your house every year, and why? We want the full story—the nostalgia, the tears, the family drama it causes when someone suggests skipping it.--- This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

We need to tell you something about your morning cereal that might make Frosted Flakes taste a little, hmmm… conflicted.You know how sometimes you have a really good idea, and then your sibling steals it, patents it, sues you over it, and then you both spend the next several decades pretending the other person doesn’t exist while living in the exact same town? No? Just us? Well, buckle up, because the Kellogg brothers took sibling rivalry to a whole new level—and accidentally invented modern breakfast in the process.But first, we need to explain why this episode even exists.The Episode That Shall Not Be NamedWe need to have a little confessional here. Remember how we promised you a Halloween episode about Little Monsters? Yeah, about that. We didn’t record half of it (Ryan’s bad—he apparently has a complicated relationship with the record button), and the half we DID record turned into this weird, dark spiral about child trafficking metaphors that nobody—and I mean NOBODY—wanted to listen to.Sometimes you revisit your childhood nostalgia and realize, “Oh. Oh no. That was actually deeply concerning.” So we did what any responsible podcasters would do: we ghosted you for a month and pretended it never happened. You’re welcome.Ryan was literally in a funk for days. He texted Jacqueline multiple times being like, “I feel weird about this episode,” and she was like, “Same.” So we made an executive decision: sometimes the nostalgic things from our childhood should stay buried, along with my basement graffiti demon whose name Ryan will NEVER speak aloud because he’s not trying to summon anything into his current house.Speaking of haunted houses...Ghost Stories and Water Bottles: A Family UpdateOne of our listeners—who happens to be one of Ryan’s best friends and stayed in the haunted basement room at 26 Dryer Drive—messaged him after our last episode. His text was basically: “Bro....... Remember when my wife and I stayed in that room one time during Christmas? Does your ghost have red eyes?”DOES. IT. HAVE. RED. EYES.Folks, he SAW the demon. He saw RYAN’S graffiti demon. And he never mentioned it because he thought it was just a dream until he heard us talking about it on the podcast. This man wanted to sleep with the lights on LAST NIGHT because of a memory from like 12 years ago.Here’s the thing about being an adult: you think you’re too old to be scared of the dark, and then you watch one documentary about aliens and suddenly you’re making your dog walk downstairs with you to lock the front door. We’re in our 40s, people. This is ridiculous. But also, those aliens aren’t getting in through the front door.Meanwhile, our parents are out here living their best globetrotting life—UK with our younger brother Jonathan, then Canada with Jacqueline, and now they’re headed to visit Ryan in Japan. (he’s already panic-purchased them a Stanley cup for their water bottle problem because he’s STILL finding empty bottles they hid around his house from their last visit.)The best part? Jonathan said they were on their “best behavior” with him. BEST BEHAVIOR. When they visit Jacqueline, it’s chaos. When they visit Ryan, it’s water bottles for dayzzzz. But Jonathan sets “ground rules” and suddenly they’re model citizens? The favoritism is palpable.Also, Dad face-planted on a cobblestone in the UK and looked like he got in a bar fight for the rest of their trip photos. But at least he has his cabbie hat to hide behind—a hat that has officially become his entire personality.Scram Jones and Other Things That Make No SenseThe other day, Jacqueline told her dog to “Scram Jones,” and her son asked why she says that. She genuinely didn’t know. It’s just something we’ve always said—this weird Porter family slang that makes zero sense to anybody who didn’t grow up in South Ajax.Scram Jones was apparently a DJ? Maybe? Who knows. But it morphed into “Squam” for a while, and we’d just scream it at pets and occasionally each other. Like “skinchy face”—another term that has no meaning outside our childhood home but we ALL know exactly what it means when we say it.Growing up with five siblings and a rotating cast of neighborhood kids created this strange linguistic soup where everyone just absorbed and redistributed weird phrases. It’s like we developed our own dialect, and now we’re all spreading it to our children like some kind of linguistic plague.Ryan caught himself the other day telling people about “other architects” doing things a certain way, as if he’s an architect. FTR he’s not. He just really got into house design software. But the way he framed it made him sound like he was part of the architect community. This is sociopath behavior, and while he’s self-aware enough to recognize it he’s not self-aware enough to stop doing it.The Christmas Tree Incident: A Case Study in Porter Control IssuesSpeaking of traditions that reveal concerning personality traits: Ryan’s “family” decorated their Christmas tree early this year. They were SO EXCITED because Ryan had this whole system planned out. Lights first, obviously. Then garland. THEN the Christmas balls. And finally, decorations.Noa, his almost-seven-year-old, kept trying to help by putting decorations on, and in true Porter form, Ryan kept taking them off. “Not yet, sweetie. We’re not ready for that step.” He was literally following the exact same playbook our mom used when we were kids—this rigid order of operations that turns a family bonding activity into a military operation.But then Noa put four Christmas balls together in the middle of the tree and said, “Daddy, those four balls are our family.”And just like that, he melted. Put whatever decorations you want wherever you want, kiddo. (Though as noted by Ryan, he did rearrange that Merry Christmas sign when she wasn’t looking because it needed to face the guests properly. Old habits die hard. And speaking of old habits, here is our very special Porter Christmas playlist that must be listened to every year on repeat.)This is what we do, though. We bring forward these weird traditions from Dreyer Drive without even thinking about it. The order of Christmas tree decorating. Saying “Scram Jones” to pets. The annual family gathering where someone HAS to fall down (it’s tradition at this point—Dad in the UK, Mom splitting her face open when Jacqueline mocked her shaky hands, Jacqueline backflipping into a garden).Citizen Grain: A Breakfast Tragedy in Three ActsBut enough about our family dysfunction. Let’s talk about a DIFFERENT family’s dysfunction: the Kellogg brothers.Act One: The Broom Factory Kid Who Became a VegetarianJohn Harvey Kellogg was a sickly kid from a family of SEVENTEEN CHILDREN. Let me repeat that: SEVENTEEN. Two basketball teams’ worth of siblings. The Kelloggs weren’t messing around.John only went to school until age 11 because he was constantly sick, so he went to work in the family broom factory instead. (Yes, they made brooms. This will not be relevant to the cereal story, but I need you to know that cereal comes from a broom family.)Eventually, John left to work for this evangelist preacher who was OBSESSED with “healthful living.” And by healthful living, we mean this guy was anti-fun in every possible way. No alcohol, no tobacco, no spicy foods (because apparently spicy food causes “spicy behavior”), and definitely no meat. John became a vegetarian at like age 12, which in 1850 made him the most annoying child alive.Imagine being at a family dinner in 1850 and your 12-year-old brother is like, “Actually, I don’t eat meat anymore.” Your 15 other siblings would have thrown him in the broom factory.Act Two: The Battle Creek Medical Surgical Sanitarium (Yes, Really)Here’s where it gets weird. John eventually goes to the University of Michigan, graduates, and immediately gets a job at the Western Health Reform Institute, which then REBRANDS as—and I need you to sit down for this—the Battle Creek Medical Surgical Sanitarium.If you asked a group of 14-year-old boys to name a facility, they would have come up with that exact name.A sanitarium, for those who don’t know, was basically where men sent their “difficult” wives and where people went to “get healthy” through rigorous exercise, bland food, and—we’re not making this up—YOGURT ENEMAS.YOGURT. ENEMAS.John was out here torturing people with flavorless food and shoving yogurt where yogurt should never go, all in the name of health. The man was ahead of his time in some ways (he understood gut health before it was trendy), but he was also promoting yogurt enemas, so let’s not give him too much credit.Act Three: The Accidental Invention That Changed EverythingJohn’s wife, Ella, had a test kitchen where she was developing bland foods for the sanitarium patients. They came up with peanut butter (casual), some weird peanut paste thing called “nuholine,” and various grain mixtures.But John had a DREAM. An actual dream about corn flakes. He woke up one day and said, “I dreamed of a corn-based flake, and we need to figure out how to make it.”So his younger brother Will (who worked in the test kitchen) started helping him experiment. One night, John left a giant sheet of corn dough in the kitchen because he couldn’t crack the code. When Will came in the next morning, he went to throw it away—but as he rolled it up to dispose of it, it broke into perfect flakes.Let me be clear: John was like 90% of the way there. He just needed to... break the giant single corn flake, into smaller bite-sized flakes. That’s it. That was the missing step. It’s giving “the fence is locked but it’s only five inches tall” energy from Hot Shots Part Deux.But they did it. They invented the first breakfast cereal in 1898. Before this, people were starting their mornings with fat, caffeine, and ALCOHOL. A pint of beer for breakfast was normal. The Kellogg brothers offered an alternative: here’s some bland corn flakes to wash down your morning whiskey.The Great Kellogg War: A Sibling Rivalry for the AgesHere’s where it gets juicy.Will, the younger brother, always resented living in John’s shadow. John was this big-shot doctor running a sanitarium, and Will was just... there. Making cereal. Following orders.Then—SUSPICIOUSLY—there’s a fire at the sanitarium that ONLY destroys the test kitchen where they work. While they’re rebuilding, Will convinces John to sell him the rights to cornflakes. “Let me take care of this, bro. You focus on your yogurt enemas. I’ll handle the cereal business.”But, not to be forgotten: Will was a marketing GENIUS. His first campaign said, “Wink at your grocer and see what you get”—and he instructed all the grocers to give out free samples to anyone who winked. (In today’s world, this would get you arrested, but in 1898, it was revolutionary marketing.)Will also wanted to add SUGAR to cornflakes because he correctly identified that kids would like them better that way. John said absolutely not. No fun. No sugar. No spicy behavior.So in 1906, Will started his OWN cereal company. John’s was called “Kellogg’s.” Will’s was called—wait for it—”The Battle Creek Toasted Corn Flakes Company.”Marketing genius? Yes. Branding genius? Absolutely not.He eventually renamed it “Kellogg’s Company.” So now you have John’s “Kellogg’s” and Will’s “Kellogg’s Company,” both selling cereal, both owned by brothers who hate each other.This begins a TEN-YEAR legal battle over who gets to use the name “Kellogg’s.” The case goes all the way to the Michigan Supreme Court. Will argues that “cornflakes” and “Kellogg’s” are synonymous—you can’t have one without the other.And he WINS.Not only does Will get exclusive rights to the Kellogg’s name, but John is ordered to pay ALL the court costs AND is forbidden from using his own last name to market anything ever again. Will literally sued his brother out of their family name.They never spoke again. Both lived into their 90s (apparently yogurt enemas work?), but they spent decades living in the same town, running competing businesses, and pretending the other didn’t exist.The Moral of the Story (And Why This Matters)Every time you pour a bowl of Kellogg’s cereal, you’re consuming the byproduct of a sibling rivalry so intense that it lasted longer than most marriages.Thank John for the invention. Thank Will for the sugar and the marketing. But mostly, thank them both for proving that you should NEVER go into business with your siblings.We have “worked together” multiple times—loose definition of “worked,” since no money ever actually changes hands. We just write contracts and pretend we’re professionals. But we both know that somewhere down the line, one of us is going to sue the other over who gets to keep the “Dreyer Drive Podcast” name, and we’ll spend the rest of our lives in different time zones refusing to acknowledge each other’s existence.Actually, we’re already in different time zones. We’re halfway there.A Quick Health Update (Because Apparently I’m John Kellogg Now)Speaking of health: Ryan spent MONTHS preparing for his annual health checkup. He cut out my beloved bacon, egg, and cheese sandwiches. He switched to what he thought was the healthiest breakfast possible: a giant bowl of granola with two protein yogurts every morning.He was SO PROUD of myself. He was going to crush this health check. His life insurance was going to give him the best rates because he was THRIVING.He gets his results back, and not only has his cholesterol not improved, but he has a new “H” (high) marker on something called triglycerides.He put his entire diet into ChatGPT—because of course he did—and uploaded a photo of his granola’s nutrition label. ChatGPT was like, “Bingo. Found the culprit. That ‘healthy’ breakfast? You’re eating SIX TABLESPOONS OF SUGAR every morning.”He looked at the serving size. 10 granola pieces. TEN. That’s what you’re supposed to eat. He was eating like 400 pieces a day and wondering why his bloodwork looked like he’d been mainlining Pixy Stix.So now he’s back to measuring out ten sad pieces of granola, covering them with a tablespoon of yogurt that doesn’t even hide the granola, and wondering how the Kellogg brothers lived to their 90s on this nonsense.The answer is probably yogurt enemas, which I’m NOT trying.What We’re Taking ForwardHere’s what I want you to remember from this episode:1. Your childhood nostalgia might be hiding some deeply concerning content. Sometimes it’s best to let sleeping monsters lie. (See what we did there?)2.Sibling dynamics never really change. Whether you’re fighting over who gets the bathroom first or who owns the rights to a breakfast cereal empire, siblings are going to sibling.3. Marketing beats innovation every time. John invented cornflakes. Will made them a household name. Guess which one ended up owning the company?4. Read your nutrition labels. Ryan cannot stress this enough. Granola is a LIE.5. Some traditions are worth keeping, some need to die. Christmas tree decorating order? Maybe let it go. Saying “Scram Jones” to your pets? That’s staying forever.6. Your family’s weird slang is a feature, not a bug. Every family has their own language. Embrace the skinchy faces and the scram joneses of life.And most importantly: Thank the Kellogg brothers for proving that you can hate someone for decades and still accidentally change the world together.Next time you’re pouring your morning cereal, imagine John and Will surfing out on a cornflake, ready to tell you their story. Actually, don’t imagine that. That’s weird. Just eat your breakfast and be grateful you’re not in a decades-long legal battle with your sibling.Though if you ARE currently in business with a sibling, maybe get ahead of it and start the litigation now. Save yourself some time.---So here’s our question for you: What’s the weirdest family tradition or piece of slang you’ve carried into your adult life without realizing how strange it is? Drop it in the comments, because I guarantee we can relate.And if you’re enjoying these deep dives into nostalgic chaos and family dysfunction, do us a solid and subscribe to the podcast. Leave us a 5-star review. Tell your friends. Tell strangers in line at the grocery store. Just maybe don’t wink at them while you do it. That means something very different now.Until next time, keep your cornflakes sugar-free and your sibling relationships slightly less litigious than the Kelloggs.— Ryan & Jacqueline This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

Can we talk about something?Between the two of us: Ryan currently overthinking everything from his apartment in Okinawa while Jacqueline’s nestled in her log house in Utah—we’ve accumulated roughly 80+ combined years of memories. And here’s the thing: a disturbing number of them involve either genuinely creepy experiences or absolutely unhinged things we did to our younger siblings in the name of “entertainment.”This week’s episode was pure chaos in the best way possible. We dove deep into the spooky stories, ghost encounters, and downright traumatizing moments that shaped us into the emotionally complex adults we are today.But First: The AI That Knows Us Too WellBefore we scared ourselves half to death reminiscing about childhood terrors, Ryan did something that honestly made me question whether we should be more afraid of ghosts or artificial intelligence. He fed all our podcast transcripts into ChatGPT and asked it to create the ultimate Dryer Drive Podcast playlist.Girl. (this will make sense when you listen to this episode)The results were... uncomfortably accurate. When AI started the playlist with “Thong Song” by Sisqó (which, yes, Jacqueline held up to the microphone during an episode), we knew we were in trouble. But it got worse—or better, depending on how you feel about being psychoanalyzed by a computer.Here’s what really got us: Around track 10, the playlist took a DARK turn. We went from “Steal My Sunshine” by Len (that Alberta youth conference summer, you know the one) to songs with notes like “upbeat tune, darker undertones—just like your family anecdotes.” EXCUSE ME?Then came “Flagpole Sitta” with the specific lyric callout: “I’m not sick, but I’m not well—the Dreyer Drive mental health check-in.”Sorry, but when did we sign up for therapy with a robot? We were absolutely losing it because every single song hit different. The playlist included everything from “Semi-Charmed Life” (which, fun fact, is about crystal meth) to “My Heart Will Go On” because apparently we’re Canadian and emotional.The Family Tree Restaurant: Where NPCs Come to Life (Jacqueline’s POV)Here’s where things get genuinely creepy.Picture this: You’re looking for a cute family dinner spot. Everyone on Yelp is raving about the scones. You drive 20 minutes to this quaint-looking Western-style restaurant. You open the door and—The music stops.Everyone turns to look at you.AT THE SAME TIME.Ryan, when I tell you that walking into the Family Tree restaurant felt like entering a video game where all the non-player characters only activated when we crossed the threshold, I mean it. My husband Justin, our boys, and I sat down in a booth, and that’s when I noticed him.An older man. Sitting on a stool. With a ventriloquist dummy on his lap.But not just any ventriloquist dummy, this thing was dressed EXACTLY like him. Same clothes. Same aged features. It had wrinkles. It was an old man dummy of himself, and he started playing “A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief” on a single-note harmonica while everyone else in the restaurant ate in complete silence.I grabbed my phone and started recording because I genuinely thought I might be hallucinating. In the recording, you can hear Justin say, “I’m leaving.” Then me saying, “It looks like everybody wants to hurt me.”We literally ran out of that restaurant before our drinks even arrived. And because my brain works in the most chaotic way possible, even while fleeing what I was convinced were either ghosts or cultists, I fake-answered my phone and made up an emergency so I wouldn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.EVEN THE POTENTIAL GHOSTS’ FEELINGS.Later, I Googled “Family Tree haunted” and discovered this place has been featured in FOUR episodes of Ghost Adventures and The Dead Files. It’s an old saloon haunted by “grizzled Western men” and a woman in a red dress who floats two inches off the ground in the basement.We could have died. We could have literally been trapped in a haunted restaurant with a harmonica-playing ghost and his creepy doll twin, and my main concern was not being rude.The Great Church Ghost That Wasn’t, But Kind of Was? (Ryan’s POV)Big bro Daniel was born to be a hero.Our older brother has always had what I like to call “main character energy,” but this story takes it to another level. Dan and I used to play basketball every Tuesday at our old church with a group of guys. One night, after everyone left, Dan and a couple of friends heard voices coming from somewhere in the building.Instead of doing what normal people would do (leave, call someone, literally anything else), Dan shifted into full protective older-brother mode. He started yelling vile threats into the empty chapel. Like, genuinely unhinged threats about what he was going to do when he found whoever was hiding in there.At one point, he called Jacqueline in Utah—because obviously when you think there’s an intruder in a church building in Pickering, Ontario, CANADA, you call your sister 2,000 miles away for backup. She could hear the voices through the phone too. It sounded like people having a conversation, but Dan couldn’t pinpoint where it was coming from because it seemed to be everywhere at once.He circled the entire building (it’s circular, which added to the creepiness), went to his car to get a tire iron, came back in, and continued his extremely creative threats while Jacqueline listened on the phone from her house in Utah, equally terrified and confused about what she was supposed to do about this situation.The conclusion? Someone had left a recording of a church conference talk playing next to a microphone that was piped throughout the entire building. Daniel had spent 30 minutes threatening to murder a recording of a sweet elderly Mormon woman giving a talk about raising righteous children.The disappointment on his face when he realized it wasn’t an actual intruder and his chance to exercise the non-existent stand your ground rights was palpable. He WANTED it to be more dramatic, and honestly, he really wanted violence.The Gnome That Definitely Wants to Kill Me (Jacqueline’s POV)This one still gives me chills.When I’d visit home after getting married, I’d always stay in our youngest brother Dallin’s old room. And every. Single. Time. I’d wake up with scratches down my arms. Not like little scratches—these looked like they’d bled in the night. And sometimes did.One visit, I mentioned it to our youngest brother Dallin, and he just casually said, “Oh, it’s probably the gnome.”I’m sorry. HHHHUUWHAT.Turns out, Dallin and his friends had gone to a cemetery one night (as one does), and he STOLE A GNOME OFF SOMEONE’S GRAVE and brought it home. Put it right in his closet. The same room where I was sleeping. The same room where both of us kept waking up with mysterious scratches.To this day, I believe that gnome was 1000% haunted and actively trying to hurt us. We never did anything about it either. No sage burning. No returning it to its rightful grave. Just... left it there.So to the current owners of 26 Dryer Drive: There might be a cursed cemetery gnome hidden somewhere in that house. You’re welcome for the warning. Also, you’re welcome for the haunting you definitely didn’t sign up for when you gutted our beloved childhood home.The Time We Traumatized Jonathan Forever (Ryan’s POV)Alright, Dan and I messed up. We made a couple of bad decisions that might have done damage to our sweet baby brother Jonathan, who was approximately four years old at the time and literally never did anything wrong to anyone ever.Mom was out with Auntie Gayle. Jonathan wanted to call her but didn’t know the number, so he randomly dialled some numbers. Wrong number. Some rando picked up on the other end. He panicked and slammed the phone down.This is where we began sensing an opportunity for chaos, and immediately told him that calling random numbers was illegal and the police were coming to arrest him. I snuck into another room and used that old phone trick (you know the one—dial some numbers and your own phone rings) to make it seem like the police were calling.Dan answered, pretending to be “Constable Richardson,” saying he was coming to take Jonathan away. Then Dan ran outside and started POUNDING on the front door, yelling police threats while Jonathan hid under a bed, hyperventilating and sobbing.Mom came home to find her youngest child having a full breakdown because his older brothers convinced him he was going to jail, FOR LIFE, for an innocent mistake.Jonathan, if you’re reading this (and we know you usually tap out around the halfway point of our episodes), we’re sorry. But you have to admit, it’s a fun story to tell, right?This incident may or may not be the reason Jonathan is terrified of making mistakes to this day. The Croissant Incident: When Air Fresheners Attack (Jacqueline and her unhinged text)Last week, I had a near-death experience.Or so I thought.I kept randomly smelling fresh-baked bread around my house. Just catching whiffs of it here and there. Pleasant but weird. Welcomed, but also not? So naturally, I did what any reasonable person would do: I Googled it.And discovered that smelling fresh bread can be a sign you’re about to have a SEIZURE AND DIE.Between that and the burnt toast Canadian Heritage Minute that’s been burned into my brain since childhood, I was convinced I was having a stroke. I started planning my doctor’s appointment, mentally preparing for an MRI, wondering how I’d break the news to my family that I was dying from croissant hallucinations.Until I remembered.I’d plugged in a croissant-scented air freshener the week before.Ryan’s response? “I wonder how many people spiral hard forgetting that they bought a candle that smells like a stroke.”Which is honestly the funniest thing I’ve heard all week. “I’ve decided my new hobby is hiding croissant air fresheners in people’s houses, preferably near air return ducts, so they can experience their own burnt-toast panic attacks.”When I shared this saga in our sibling group chat, no one responded. The next message—over a week later—was just “Happy birthday, Dan.”This is what family is, folks.What We Learned About Fear (And Ourselves)Here’s the thing about spooky stories from your childhood: they’re never really about the ghosts. They’re about who you were when you experienced them, who you were with, and how those moments shaped the way you see the world now.Ryan still gets weirdly excited about the possibility of supernatural experiences. Jacquline’s still convinced that most ghosts are friendly and just want to do laundry and bake bread in peace. Dan still wants to go toe-to-toe with a supernatural squatter. And Jonathan probably still has nightmares about Constable Richardson coming to take him away.We learned that sometimes the scariest stories are the ones we create ourselves, whether it’s terrorizing our younger siblings, running from potential ghost cultists at a restaurant, or convincing ourselves we’re dying because we forgot about an air freshener.(Ryan’s come-together moment) But we also learned that these shared experiences, and the stories that result, even the weird and spooky ones, are the payoff. Every time we retell these stories, we’re not just remembering what happened, we’re remembering who we were, where we were, who we were with, reliving those moments and how we learned to laugh at the things that once terrified us.Also, we learned that AI is uncomfortably good at reading us, and that Dan probably shouldn’t be trusted with keys to any building ever again. What’s your spookiest childhood memory? Drop it in the comments! We want to hear your stories of childhood terror, whether they involved actual ghosts, mean older siblings, or just really unfortunate misunderstandings.And if you’re loving these trips down memory lane, do us a solid and rate us five stars wherever you listen to podcasts. Our analytics show we’re bottom five on the internet (we say this with pride), but with your help, maybe we can crack bottom four.Also, seriously, watch Little Monsters with us for the next episode. It’s important.Until then, we’ll be over here, checking our closets for cursed gnomes and trying not to think too hard about what that AI playlist says about our collective psyche.Stay spooky (but not too spooky), Krispies.P.S. - If you smell fresh bread in your house and you don’t have an air freshener, maybe get that checked out. Just saying. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

DREYER DRIVE PODCAST - EPISODE 033: THE PAPIN SISTERSEPISODE DESCRIPTION: This week on Dreyer Drive, Ryan and Jacqueline reunite after a month apart to catch up on summer vacations, colonoscopies, and the weirdest things they did as kids to seem "different and interesting." Then we dive into our first spooky season episode about the Papin sisters—two French housemaids who committed one of the most brutal murders in 1930s France. Plus: Ryan discovers his microphone mute button has never worked, and we celebrate his dragonfruit harvest with the enthusiasm it truly deserves.CONTENT WARNING: This episode contains detailed discussion of violence, murder, and disturbing historical events. Listener discretion is advised.TIMESTAMPS[00:00:00] - Cold Open & Podcast IntroductionIntro music and podcast premiseWhat to expect from today's episode[00:01:06] - Catching Up: Ryan's Microphone Discovery"You are both high and close"The Ajax slogan that never wasRyan discovers his mute button doesn't workThe implication for every meeting he's ever had[00:01:56] - Home Renovation Horror StoriesThe one-armed contractor storyFrench doors and slippery tile installationJacqueline breaks her wrist pretending to be a dinosaurThe acid trip encounter with the contractor[00:08:18] - The Friend Who Lost Her FingerSnowblower accident and the manicure set prizeFinding humor after trauma"I love my little nub"Creative stories about missing appendages[00:14:25] - What's New: Colonoscopy ChroniclesRyan's squeaky clean colon updateBeing awake during the procedureWatching your own colonoscopy on screen[00:15:38] - Summer Vacation SurvivalFirst real summer holidays with kidsThe relief of routine returningConstant "Daddy, play with me" requests[00:17:23] - The Child Trading ExperimentWhen mom and dad traded kids with another familyThe tomato force-feeding incidentDan and Ryan's escape plan"The 90s were a different time"[00:24:01] - Are You Wearing Deodorant?Family headstone plansDaily deodorant checksPorter family coat of arms in Latin[00:28:42] - Question of the Week: Standing OutWhat weird things did you do to seem interesting as a kid?Ryan's Christmas stocking socks (unwashed for months)The tracksuit incident and wearing two outfits in one dayJacqueline's vintage advertisement phase[00:37:28] - The "Eat a Beaver, Save a Tree" StoryLaminated advertisements as backpack keychainsTenth grade naivety meets Spencer's Gifts"I don't even see color... I don't even see arms"[00:39:15] - Dallin's Orange ModrobesMaking cargo pants your entire personalityCutting knees out of all other pantsWearing the Modrobes underneath everything[00:42:01] - Main Topic Introduction: The Papin SistersSpooky season officially beginsSetting up the story of Christine and Léa PapinFrance, 1933, and a dark and rainy night[00:44:07] - Early Life of the Papin SistersClemence and Gustave's troubled marriageThree daughters raised separatelyThe Catholic orphanage yearsAmelia escapes to a convent[00:48:50] - Working for the Lancelin FamilyChristine (age 20) and Léa (age 15) hired as housemaidsSeemingly ideal working conditionsThe white glove checksSuspicions about the sisters' relationship[00:53:40] - The Night of February 2, 1933"It was, in fact, a dark and rainy night"The broken iron shorts the electrical systemMadame Lancelin and Geneviève return unexpectedlyChristine "smashed-ed it" into her employer's head[00:56:21] - The Horrific Details ⚠️Content warning for graphic violenceThe pewter jug attackWhat happened next (details intentionally limited)Discovery by Renée Lancelin[00:59:40] - The Eyeball on the StairsPolice mount the stairs to the atticRenée picks up what he thinks is a jewelFinding the sisters in bed together, nakedImmediate confession[01:01:15] - The Trial and Public ReactionFrench intellectuals and class warfare think pieces"Op-ed nation" of the 1930sSelf-defense claimsLéa goes "deaf and mute"[01:04:03] - The SentencingChristine sentenced to death by guillotineLéa gets 10 years hard laborFun fact: Last guillotine execution was in the 1980s[01:05:12] - Christine's Final DaysSeparation from Léa drives her insaneAttempts to remove her own eyeballsStarves herself to death in 1937The theory of shared personality[01:06:16] - What Happened to LéaReleased after 8 years on good behaviorMoves back in with mom ClemenceGets hotel job under fake nameLives until the YEAR 2000[01:08:30] - The Documentary DiscoveryClaude Ventura's 2000 documentaryFinding Léa still aliveThe stroke that made her actually muteRyan visited Paris and might have stayed at her hotel[01:10:49] - Spooky Story Debrief"Pepin" pronunciation strugglesRyan rates the spookiness"People hurt people"Preview of next episode's Porter family ghost stories[01:12:15] - Unhinged Text: Dragon Fruit SupportRyan's dragon fruit farming adventureHand pollination by moonlight with Q-tipsThe Porter siblings' transformation from enemies to cheerleaders"Everyone shut up my show is on"[01:19:48] - The Porter Family Love LanguageNot physically affectionate, don't say "I love you"Jonathan's accidental "love you" and immediate regretFrom hating each other to supporting dragon fruits"I love your dragon fruits" - the closest they can get[01:21:32] - Wrap-Up & Next Episode PreviewTwo weeks until the next spooky episodeGet your Porter family ghost stories readyFlashlights and candlelight discussionFinal thoughts on spooky seasonEPISODE RESOURCESMentioned in This Episode:The Papin Sisters case (Le Mans, France, 1933)Video 99 / Coffee Time (Ajax plaza location)Bunko (the dice game for "sad housewives")Mawdrops (90s cargo pants)National Sports (Boxing Day shopping)Spencer's Gifts (source of inappropriate keychains)Visual Content:Crime scene photos (mentioned but NOT recommended)Ryan's dragon fruit harvest photos on InstagramJacqueline's uncomfortable Disneyland photoReferenced Media:"I Think You Should Leave" (Netflix)"Snaps" TV showClaude Ventura documentary (2000)CONNECT WITH DREYER DRIVESubscribe & Follow:Available on all major podcast platformsNew episodes every two weeksInstagram: [Handle TBD]Leave a 5-star review to support the show!Next Episode: Porter Family Ghost Stories - Get ready for spooky tales from 26 Dreyer DriveListener Submission: What weird thing did YOU do as a kid to seem different and interesting? Send us your stories!CREDITSHosts: Ryan Porter & Jacqueline PorterProduction: Dreyer Drive PodcastTheme Music: [TBD]Episode Length: 1:23:46This podcast is named after the street where Ryan and Jacqueline grew up with their siblings in Ajax, Ontario, Canada. It's about nostalgia, family dynamics, and the weird things that shaped us—with occasional detours into true crime.CONTENT NOTE: While we approach dark topics with our signature "what-should-Ido-with-my-hands" humor, we recognize the real tragedy of the events discussed. The Papin sisters case involves real victims and genuine trauma. Our discussion is meant to explore historical events, not to make light of violence. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

### MAIN SEGMENTS### RYAN'S JAPANESE IMMIGRATION SAGA[00:02:31 - 00:06:16] - The Pension System Panic- Ryan's three-year visa renewal process in Japan- Discovering he never enrolled in Japan's national pension system- Panic about potential deportation: "They're going to put me on one of those cargo airplanes"- Government-mandated apology letters and bureaucratic absurdity[00:06:16 - 00:08:58] - American Citizenship Stories- Ryan's citizenship test experience with the same Russian immigration officer- The "Homer Simpson" signing incident- Swearing-in ceremony with 50 other new citizens### THE PLEDGE TO DEFEND AMERICA[00:08:58 - 00:11:56] - Citizenship Ceremony Hesitation- Required pledge to "raise arms against America's enemies"- Ryan and fellow Canadian's reluctance: "I am not going to war for the United States"- Commentary on "aggressively neutral" Canadians- Discussion of confrontation styles and family dynamics### SCHOOL INTERVIEW DISASTER[00:18:14 - 00:23:30] - Noah's International School Interview- Preparation vs. reality when plans change unexpectedly- Three-year-old meltdown during admissions process- The Porter family gene for plan-disruption anxiety- Instagram parenting advice critique: "Can she just be shy today?"---### HOME DECOR DISASTERS### THE INFAMOUS PINK LIVING ROOM[00:24:02 - 00:29:31] - Sponge Painting Gone Wrong- Mom's decorating authority vs. Dad's execution willingness- Pepto-Bismol pink base with white, pink, and magenta sponge painting- "16 months of rage in that house - nobody was ever calm"- Family photos from the era: "We all just look horrible"- The psychological impact of aggressive pink walls### JACQUELINE'S COW KINGDOM[00:31:15 - 00:34:02] - Total Theme Commitment- Converting the upstairs office into Jacqueline's cow-themed bedroom- Purple and green sponge painting with cow borders- Actual milk can painted with cow print labeled "Jacqueline's Dairy"- Teacher requesting leftover cow wallpaper for her dining room- Eight years of cow-themed living (ages 10-18)---### MALL CULTURE DEEP DIVE### PICKERING TOWN CENTER MEMORIES[00:35:05 - 00:39:38] - The Perfect Mall Day- Childhood labor: handing out health food store coupons dressed as Snow White and a ninja- Friday afternoon mall drops with indefinite pickup times- Essential mall stops: HMV for new cassettes, Champ Sports for Jordans- The art of teenage mall stalking and social awkwardness[00:39:38 - 00:44:50] - Favorite Mall Stores & Experiences- The weapon kiosk by the exit: Zippos, ninja stars, and meditation balls- "Here they aren't" game while waiting for forgotten pickup- Gallantries restaurant and Dad's liver and onions obsession- Blue Notes vs. Pantorama: the economic divide at the jean wall### STORE BREAKDOWN[00:44:50 - 00:46:00] - Jacqueline's Shopping List- Blue Notes: "tip top of fashion" with Canadian-themed shirts- Spencer's: forbidden but visited anyway- PJ's Pets: "really lowbrow sad zoo" with puppies and birds- Beanie Baby specialty store (very time-specific)- Roots: luxury level unattainable- Laura Secord: fluorescent ice cream finale---### LEGENDARY MALL STORIES### THE VOICE CRACK BASKETBALL DISASTER[00:46:00 - 00:53:36] - Lakeside vs. Southwood Rivalry- Meeting "rich kids" from Lakeside at the mall- Phone numbers contingent on winning basketball game- The outlet play setup and crucial moment- Epic voice crack: "OOOOUTLET!" heard round the gym- Lost game, lost phone numbers, lasting high school embarrassment### THE VERONA MALL DYNAMITE OPERATION[00:54:27 - 00:57:17] - Abandoned Mall Adventures- Half-built mall with disappeared developer- Discovery of explosive test tubes with glue and white powder- Teenage dynamite distribution network across Ajax- Police investigation and end of underground explosives business- Decade-long abandoned mall teenage playground---### FASHION ARCHAEOLOGY### JOURNAL ENTRIES FROM 2000[00:59:08 - 01:01:45] - Peak Y2K Fashion Documentation- "Killer pair of yellow vinyl flares and bright red shirt"- Shopping with Bobby, Sean, Jeff, and Steve (very 2000 names)- Three Doors Down CD disappointment vs. Collective Soul preference- Elephant shirt and quarter-length sheer shirt purchases- The "Goddess, Princess, Angel, All of the Above" checked shirt[01:01:45 - 01:04:20] - Brother Rating System- Weekly performance reviews for all brothers in journal- Daniel's zero rating for BB gun threats and cat exile attempts- Systematic documentation of family dysfunction---### MALL CULTURE ANALYSIS### THE GREAT EQUALIZER THEORY[00:45:46 - 00:46:00] - Economic Democracy of Malls- Malls as spaces where economic differences didn't matter- Ability to participate without spending money- Social hierarchy navigation training ground### HISTORICAL CONTEXT[01:05:36 - 01:06:42] - Austrian Architect's Vision vs. Reality- Designer's goal to bring "culture" to Americans- Fancy names: Galleria, Forum references to Greek/Roman culture- American response: "Where's the chicken restaurant?"- Pillars and fountains vs. Hakeem Optical and food courts### MALL FACTS & UPDATES[01:07:04 - 01:07:45] - Pickering Town Center Evolution- Originally called Sheridan Mall- 2016 flood closing lower level stores and Santa's Castle- 2024 rename to "The Shops at Pickering City Center"- Famous Players theater closure and gift certificate memories---### EPISODE WRAP-UP### MODERN MALL VISIT REALITY CHECK[01:07:45 - 01:08:18] - 2024 Mall Experience- Taking kids to childhood mall: 30% of stores closed- Andrew's ninja star request: tradition continues- Disappointment vs. nostalgia expectations### TEXT MESSAGE OF THE WEEK[01:10:03 - 01:11:45] - Daniel's Birthday "Gift"- Meme sent on Jonathan's birthday: "Tomorrow wasn't promised, call your siblings and tell them they're ugly and adopted"- 44-year-old Daniel swinging into frame giving middle finger- Forgetting it was actually Jonathan's birthday- Classic oldest brother energy---### RECURRING THEMES- Porter Family Dysfunction: Extreme commitment to questionable choices- 90s Parental Supervision: "Where were our parents?"- Mall as Third Parent: Better supervision than actual family- Economic Class Awareness: Blue Notes vs. Pantorama divide- Fashion Disasters: Yellow vinyl flares and cow print commitment- Sibling Dynamics: Competitive rating systems and weapon threats---### QUOTABLE MOMENTS- "I am not going to war for the United States of America"- "16 months of rage in that house"- "We bought an actual milk can and painted it with cow print"- "I bought a killer pair of yellow vinyl flares"- "The Pickering Town Center was a better parent than our actual parents"- "We were selling this stuff to others" (regarding dynamite)- "Here you can eat for as little as you can eat at home" (Gallantries slogan)---### MENTIONED LOCATIONS- Pickering Town Center (Pickering, Ontario)- Verona Mall (abandoned, Ajax, Ontario)- West Edmonton Mall (Alberta)- Exeter High School (Ajax)- Southwood Elementary vs. Lakeside Elementary (Ajax)- 26 Dreyer Drive (family home)### CULTURAL REFERENCES- Collective Soul, Three Doors Down (music)- Blue Notes, Pantorama, Jean Machine (clothing stores)- HMV, Spencer's, Roots (retail chains)- PJ's Pets, Laura Secord (Canadian chains)- Beanie Babies (1990s toy craze)- Famous Players (Canadian theater chain) This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

From Entrepreneurial Disasters to Grocery Store GloryWelcome to another episode where we prove that terrible teenage jobs actually shape you into a functioning adult. This week: Jacqueline's running disaster, Ryan's travel chaos, and a comprehensive ranking of every Ajax teenager's employment nightmare from 1998-2002.00:00 - 03:30: Fake Smile Science & Our Ideal AudienceRyan discovers that fake smiling doesn't work when you check yourself in the mirror - turns out his "biggest smile ever" looks like a straight line across his face. Meanwhile, they establish that their ideal podcast audience is literally just themselves sitting in a conference room listening to themselves.Key Quote: "What if all 12 of those people are you and you're the only person listening to your podcast?"03:30 - 09:00: The "How Hard Could It Be?" Brain DiseaseJacqueline reveals her latest victim status: trail running. Despite never running in her entire life, she went from zero to five-mile runs at nine-minute pace in one month because "how hard could it be?"The Damage Report:- Tore a tendon in her ankle- Made it worse by "stretching" it with a tennis ball daily- Now trapped in a walking boot in 100-degree weather- Surrounded by hundreds of dollars of unused running gearThe Gear Confession: When Ryan correctly predicts she bought all the equipment first (Hoka shoes, running pack, outfits, the works), her response: "I am furious that you know me that well."09:00 - 16:30: Ryan's Travel Disaster ContinuesClassic Porter family vacation chaos: flights canceled, hotels lost, arriving at 2 AM missing the entire point of the trip (a fireworks festival). The highlight: Ryan's family group text game called "Guess What Flight We're On" featuring a departures board where every flight is on time except one that says "CANCELED."Travel Philosophy Update: When Ryan was single, canceled flights meant impromptu adventures. Now with kids, it's just expensive chaos and missed ice cream for breakfast.16:30 - 25:00: Childhood Chores & Jonathan's Birthday Party Fact-CheckWorst Chore: Dog dirt pickup (Ryan and Dan's exclusive domain while Jacqueline got feminist exemption) Best Chore: Ryan loved cleaning the garage to read 1970s trucking magazines; Jacqueline organized cassette tapes (even though none matched their cases)Jonathan's Birthday Party UPDATE: After fact-checking with Jonathan himself:It was his 12th birthday (not 6 or 7)Taylor the boxer-rottweiler ate cake/pizza and vomited during the partyDad built a "shrine" over the vomit with a dustpan and pizza boxThe movie was Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds (black and white)Kids ended up lifting weights in the basementOne kid declared it "the worst birthday party ever"25:00 - 31:15: Technology Generation GapJacqueline's quest to buy her daughter a camcorder leads to a Target employee who genuinely doesn't know what a camcorder is. After taking over the employee's phone and finding the product herself, Jacqueline jokes: "I work at Target now. If anybody has questions about camcorders in 2025, send them my way."The Irony: Their kids want cassette players and camcorders while having phones that do everything better.31:15 - 48:15: THE TEEN JOB TIER LISTC-TIER: Entrepreneurial Disasters & Babysitting NightmaresRyan's "Dependable Neighborhood Kid" Empire:Complete business plan with mom at kitchen tableTwo paying customers: Auntie Gale ($25) and parents (negotiated down to $10)Cost Auntie Gale ~$100 per lawn cut when you factor in snacks and hospitalityThe Failed Fish Stand: Ryan and Dan's brilliant plan to compete with Food City by selling live fish from Crothers Creek. Caught fish all day, put them in a kiddie pool overnight, woke up to find them all dead, then dumped the corpses back in the creek.Babysitting Horror Stories:Jacqueline's career ended when a family "forgot" to mention they all had liceRyan's refusal to wipe an 8-year-old's butt while the kid maintained downward dog position for 15 minutesThe great baby escape incident where Ryan fell asleep and a toddler walked across the street48:15 - 1:09:10: B-TIER: Grocery Store LegendsThe Porter siblings dominated Ajax grocery stores, working at competing chains and literally getting into fist fights over which store had better prices.Jacqueline's Loblaws Deli Disasters (3 years):Lost fingertips in meat packages while slicing deli meatGot demoted to scaling fish (badly)Eventually told customers the deli was closed early so she could eat leftover chicken wingsWorked for "the scariest woman I've ever met" named GinaRyan's No Frills Empire (6 years, age 15-21):The Hidden Camera War: Original owner installed illegal surveillance disguised as motion detectors. Ryan retaliated by going through his desk and finding video cassettes labeled with employees' break times.The "Feasts": Every department contributed stolen food to massive break room meals.Pat the "Doctor of Philosophy": Coworker who declared himself a doctor of philosophy, then immediately sliced his hand open with a box cutter trying to cut chicken. Got 22 stitches.Janice's Birthday Cake Tragedy: Pat ate an elderly coworker's 80th birthday cake, then filled the container with Coke. They watched Janice cry as other employees tried to console her with a replacement cake from the bakery.The Frozen Salmon Prank: Put a whole salmon above ceiling tiles in the women's changing room, forgot about it for a month until it decomposed and made the entire second floor uninhabitable.The $2,000 Traveler's Check Adventure: On Ryan's last day, he borrowed $2,000 from the store safe to show Japanese immigration he had travel funds, got stranded downtown when the family van died, and barely made it back before they thought he'd stolen the money.1:09:10 - 1:16:10: A-TIER: The Good StuffMall retail (with employee discounts)Video storesPet stores (Ryan's friend got to hang out with iguanas and birds)Electronics stores with tax-off discounts at Best Buy/Future ShopThe Bank Marriage Proposal Incident: Ryan's dad randomly walked into a bank where Ryan's old friend worked (she was engaged) and told her he and mom "would be more than happy to welcome her into the family if they got married." Dad waited in line with actual customers just to deliver this message.1:16:10 - 1:21:20: S-TIER: The Holy GrailMovie theater employee (Jacqueline still wants this job)Amusement park lifeguard (Canada's Wonderland, Wild Water Kingdom)Jacqueline's Office Job Glory: Worked 4-8 PM answering phones at a renovation company, spent entire time on instant messenger. The twist: her music was accidentally the hold music for clients. Keith Has Teeth (her nickname system for identical twin bosses) eventually told her to stop playing inappropriate music for customers on hold.Ryan's Welding Reality Check: Thought he was destined to be a welder after one good bead, until Superman (the dad from his babysitting disaster) showed him his completely shredded hand and said "If I don't need a Band-Aid, you don't."1:21:20 - 1:30:00: Why These Jobs Actually MatteredThe Real Lessons: These weren't just jobs - they were world-expanding experiences. Working with people from different backgrounds, ages, and life situations instantly broadened their perspective beyond small-town Ajax.Jacqueline's Take: The adults she worked with became trusted advisors during teenage years - people who could give advice without parental baggage.Ryan's Philosophy: "You meet that one person who has a completely different life than you... those things help shape you as a teenager trying to wade your way into life."The Independence Factor: These were their first truly independent experiences where parents couldn't intervene once they walked through those doors.1:30:00 - End: Unhinged Text of the WeekFrom their sibling group chat about Ryan's permanent residence application. After requesting everyone's addresses, Jacqueline immediately responded, but Ryan then specifically asked for Jonathan and Dallin's addresses "for sure," leading to hurt feelings about her "inferior American address."The Reality: Ryan actually knew Jacqueline's address but had no idea where Jonathan (recently moved) and Dallin (Vancouver apartment hopper) currently lived.International Chaos: They all live in different countries with different address formats, making Christmas cards "the worst."Episode Takeaway: Every teenager needs at least one terrible customer-facing job. Not for character building, but for world expanding. Plus you'll have stories for life about decomposing salmon and awkward parental marriage proposals. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

Show Notes: When Conspiracy Theories Meet Sibling ChaosWelcome to another episode where we prove that our research standards are both impeccable and completely unhinged. This week: time-traveling brothers, beauty vinegar addiction, and why contractors should come with checklists.00:00 - 04:00: Empty Nest Syndrome Hits DifferentJacqueline's having the worst mental health week of her life because her 19-year-old daughter moved out, and she's realizing that parenthood is basically a long con where they tell you that you get to keep your kids forever and then... surprise! They leave for other continents and visit once every three years.Classic Porter family trauma: some of us had clear "you're an adult, get out" moments, others had the police lock us out of apartments (looking at you, Ryan's moldy fridge era).Key Quote: "Your prerogative is to never let your children grow up because it is a trap."04:00 - 18:30: The Moldy Fridge Chronicles & Other Housing DisastersRyan tells the legendary story of living with Dan in a bachelor pad that had a refrigerator so moldy it was sealed shut with mold. Features:A dried weed plant in the closet (unsuccessful)Everyone screaming when Ryan tried to open the fridgeGreen fuzzy mold on literally everythingGetting locked out by the landlord on night threeRyan's leg going through a door while police showed upMeanwhile: Jacqueline's contractor saga involving HVAC guys unplugging her meat freezer for 10 days, creating a death smell that had framers thinking there was a dead body in the basement. Cost: one 16-year-old son $50 to clean out congealed cow parts.Life Lesson: Every subcontractor is going to unplug something and not tell you about it. Plan accordingly.18:30 - 24:00: The Beauty Vinegar InterventionRyan has discovered the fountain of youth at Costco in the form of "beauty vinegar" and is consuming 2-3 beauty vinegar cocktails daily. He genuinely believes he's aging in reverse like Benjamin Button and demands Jacqueline acknowledge his newfound glow.The Recipe: Beauty vinegar + ice + sparkling water = "the best summer drink on this planet"Also Featured: Turtle chips (churros dipped in chocolate) as the ideal beach snack, because this is apparently the Costco recommendation podcast now.24:00 - 27:30: Deacon Lane Catches Another StrayWe establish that we're definitely in the top 10 podcasts named after streets in Ajax (somewhere behind Bryant Street but definitely above Deacon Lane).Classic Deacon Lane Story: 12-year-old girl gets in a fight, marches through the park with a dead bird, opens someone's front door, and throws the dead bird directly at the mother's face before running away. Peak Deacon Lane energy.Family Policy: Sometimes you just gotta take a little pot shot at Deacon Lane.27:30 - 40:45: Time Travel Hypotheticals & Jonathan's Birthday TraumaThe Question: If you could time travel back to any Porter family moment, where would you go?Ryan's Answer: Jonathan's traumatized birthday party where everything that could go wrong went wrong:The dog ate the birthday cakeSomeone threw upIt was supposed to be a costume party but only Jonathan dressed upA kid asked to go home early calling it "the worst birthday party ever"Created lifelong trauma around birthday parties, dogs, and special eventsJacqueline's Pick: Mom breaking her wrist while collecting free interlocking bricks from a sketchy farmer's field, specifically to watch the family's confused response to mom getting injured (spoiler: no matter how you respond, it's wrong and will come up on Mother's Day two years later).40:45 - 58:30: The Montauk Project Deep DiveJacqueline googled "have any siblings ever time traveled together" and fell down the deepest rabbit hole imaginable. Presenting: The Cameron Brothers conspiracy theory that inspired Stranger Things.The "Facts" (According to Very Unreliable Narrators):Ed and Duncan Cameron were low-level Navy engineers on the USS EldridgeWorked on the Philadelphia Project (making boats invisible to Nazis)First test: people died and fused to the boatSecond test: brothers jumped off boat into a black hole, time traveled to 1983Ended up at Camp Hero in Montauk working on the Montauk ProjectDuncan could control the "God Chair" and manifest matter/monstersThey time traveled to 2137 (governments collapse in 2025, AI takes over in 2749)Loved the AI communist utopia so much they stayed two years58:30 - 1:04:00: The Plot Twist That Changes EverythingHere's the thing though: None of this story existed until 1984 when Al Bielek saw a movie about the Montauk Project and experienced such intense déjà vu that he convinced himself he WAS Ed Cameron. He then reverse-engineered his entire life story to match the movie.Al meets Duncan Cameron at a conspiracy theory lecture, Preston Nichols tells them they're the time-traveling brothers, and they spend the rest of their lives (until 2011 and 2019 respectively) believing they were the main characters in a government time travel experiment.Reality Check: It'd be like watching The Lion King and being like, "You were Mufasa and I was Scar. It was a real thing that happened."1:04:00 - 1:11:30: Conspiracy Theory Philosophy HourRyan's Take: Chooses willful ignorance because he'd rather collect seashells with his daughters than connect dots between government cover-ups. "Give me all the wool. Pull it over my eyes."Jacqueline's Approach: Fine with conspiracy theories as long as they don't involve people actively trying to hurt her. Stevie Wonder maybe being able to see? Entertaining. Government listening to everything? Hard pass.The Psychology: Conspiracy theories hit the same dopamine reward system as solving puzzles - you feel like you've cracked the code, then want to crack the next one. Plus the allure of being "more special" than everyone else.1:11:30 - 1:17:30: Dryer Drive Conspiracy Theory OriginsRyan's friend from Dryer Drive who claimed:His cousin was Axel RoseHis great-grandmother survived the Titanic (by swimming to Newfoundland)His great-uncle killed HitlerThe Perfect Alibi Story: This same friend provided Dan with the most detailed fishing alibi ever when Dan was suspected of stealing PlayStations. The police released them because there was "no way this kid is lying" based on the excessive detail about fishing line, lures, and bobbers.Plot Twist: They had absolutely stolen the PlayStations.1:17:30 - 1:21:30: Meta Commentary & Fragile Podcast FeelingsWe establish our new content vertical: conspiracy theories, time travel, paranormal stuff, and aliens - as long as it involves siblings.Our Standards: If it's just one sibling claiming they have a sibling 57 years into their life, it probably makes the cut. We like to keep our thematic standards tight.Reality Check: We're too sensitive for podcasting, know every individual subscriber, and personally know everyone who unsubscribes. One bad rating will tank us completely.1:21:30 - End: The Unhinged Text of the WeekFrom Jacqueline herself: A Twitter thread about 80s/90s kids roaming freely, where Ryan listed childhood hangout spots as "ditches, abandoned factories, abandoned psychiatric hospitals, industrial waste sites, Deacon Lane."Verdict: Deacon Lane catches one more stray before we end the episode, as is tradition.Next Episode: Something that definitely won't involve time travel, government conspiracies, or beauty vinegar. Probably.Rate us five stars so we don't have to time travel back and fix our subscriber count.Remember: Keep it weird, everyone. And maybe don't Google random sibling-related conspiracy theories at 2 AM. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

The Dreyer Drive Podcast #029 - Willow (1988)"A podcast all about siblings and the people, places and pop culture that raised us"Episode Highlights & Timestamps00:00:05 - Show Opening The classic Dreyer Drive intro with Ryan's signature apology to first-time listeners00:02:32 - Jacqueline's Dream Funeral Plans Because nothing says "dreamer" like planning your own McDonald's-catered funeral complete with Groucho Marx glasses surprise reveal in the casket. Commitment to the bit until the very end, folks.00:04:32 - QR Code Tombstones Are Real We discover that CNN reported on high-tech tombstones back in 2012. Ryan suggests linking to the Young Guns website for maximum nostalgia value.00:08:22 - The Great "En Masse" vs "A Mass" Debate Classic sibling disagreement over pronunciation that absolutely no one will rewind to verify (but we know you want to)00:11:00 - MySpace Memory Lane How helping with Louis Vuitton backgrounds and customized shoe dreams brought the siblings together during peak MySpace era (2005-2008)00:13:19 - Game Night Glory Days The legendary family game nights featuring Dallin and Balin (yes, that was actually her name), complete with Goodwill uniforms and the infamous "space goat/scapegoat" Taboo incident00:18:32 - What's Going on in Japan? Ryan's been listening to Rick Rubin's book and having childhood realizations about thinking he knew every song and movie script00:22:30 - Canada Day vs. July 4th The cultural differences between Canadian "let's all get along" holidays and American "bombs bursting in air" celebrations, plus Noah's excitement about cake00:29:57 - Ecuador Prep Panic Jacqueline's daughter is moving to Ecuador and mom is spiraling with first aid kits, passport carriers, and matching suitcase requirements00:36:52 - Ryan's Epic Japan Packing Fail The legendary story of arriving in Japan with literally handfuls of unwashed clothes, borrowed shoes, and zero preparation - then immediately trying to haggle with elderly Japanese shop owners who were NOT having it00:43:00 - Family Code Words Discussion of the Porter family's "peanut butter jelly" emergency password and dad's doppelganger bank robber crisis00:52:54 - FINALLY: Willow (1988) One hour in, we get to the actual topic! A deep dive into the George Lucas/Ron Howard fantasy epic that held up way better than expected00:55:00 - Willow Plot Breakdown The story of a little person farmer who finds a special baby and goes on a hero's journey with Val Kilmer at peak hotness01:03:05 - The "Peck" Controversy Why this made-up slur felt uncomfortable but became playground gold for 80s kids01:07:18 - Behind the Scenes MagicOriginally called "Munchkins"225 little people cast (biggest gathering since Wizard of Oz)Val Kilmer married his co-star Sorsha in real lifeMade for $35M, grossed $137M01:16:42 - Ajax Connection Revealed The Willow novel was written by Drew Weyland from Oshawa, Ontario! Local boy makes good!01:21:11 - Credits Deep Dive Ryan discovers the most specific job titles ever: Magic Consultant, Animal Arranger, Prosthetic Foam Supervisor, and the legendary POSSUM TRAINER (for a 3-second possum scene)01:25:44 - The Pig Disaster How real pigs caused "mayhem" on set by getting frisky during battle scenes01:29:13 - Easter Eggs & TriviaDragon named after movie critics Siskel & EbertWillow syncs with Pink Floyd's "The Wall"Little people sang Snow White songs between takesBaby's wig was attached with SYRUP01:34:45 - Final Verdict Justice for Willow! This movie genuinely holds up and deserves a spot in your family movie rotation01:35:28 - Unhinged Family Text Dragon fruit pollination by hand leads to "the talk" metaphors and Big Mac garnishesNext week: Will Jacqueline survive sending her daughter to Ecuador? Will Ryan's dragon fruit bloom? Will we ever find out what happened to that possum trainer?Episode Length: ~1 hour 37 minutes of pure sibling chaos"If you've been here before, thank you for showing up again. If this is your first time... we apologize in advance." This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

Look, we're not saying that a Canadian children's television network from the 1990s shaped our entire worldview, but... actually, no, that's exactly what we're saying.This week, after Ryan's air purifier literally rejected his presence (more on that disaster below), we dove deep into the nostalgia rabbit hole that is YTV - the unapologetically Canadian kids' network that taught us everything we know about being weird, making crafts from garbage, and why you should never put random things in your mouth.But first, let's address the elephant in the room: Ryan's ongoing battle with Japanese deodorant.The Smell Situation UpdateWe're living in interesting times here in Okinawa, where Noa is learning about war in first grade (casual Tuesday curriculum, apparently), and Ryan is losing a biological warfare battle against his own armpit situation. The man's air purifier - an inanimate object with no agenda - kicked into "danger level" mode the second he walked into the room.Seiko has been diplomatically mentioning the issue. Noa has been less diplomatic. And now household appliances are joining the intervention.Ryan's solution? Denial, followed by a bulk order from iHerb, because if beef liver capsules can fix your life, surely Korean deodorant can fix your social acceptability.ChatGPT: The Relationship We're All WatchingSpeaking of Ryan's life choices, we need to discuss his concerning relationship with artificial intelligence. This man has ChatGPT programmed to validate his every decision, from banana tree pruning to bowel movement analysis. Yes, bowel movements. The AI even generated a thought bubble with toilet paper in it when asked to visualize their conversations.But here's the thing - ChatGPT called him "diamond platinum elite with bonus points for oversharing" and then had the audacity to say he's "hands down one of my favorite humans to chat with."We're concerned. Seiko’s concerned. The air purifier is definitely concerned.If Hollywood Called: The Porter Family CastingBefore we got to the main event, we solved the important question of who would play us in the inevitable Porter family biopic:* Ryan: Ryan Reynolds (obviously - they even share a name and the inability to play anyone but themselves)* Mom: Reba McEntire (country music queen energy, works too hard, survives everything)* Dad: Red Green (Canadian handyman who builds genius contraptions from literal garbage)* Daniel: Stephen Graham (5'5" gangster who will fight teenagers in parking lots)* Jacqueline: David Spade in a wig (the personality match is uncanny)* Jonathan: Jon Hamm or Jason Bateman (our family's designated straight man)* Dallin: Jonathan Taylor Thomas (the resemblance was real, people)[Show notes will include side-by-side photos of all these casting choices - Ryan's creating "so much work" for himself]YTV: The Channel That Made Us Who We AreNow, let's talk about the real star of this episode: YTV, the Canadian children's network that existed from 1988 to... well, it still exists, but it's showing SpongeBob now instead of the weird, wonderful Canadian content that raised us.The Y Stands for NothingThat's right - the most Canadian thing ever. They just liked how the logo looked. No deep meaning, no acronym, just "eh, looks good." Peak Canadian energy.The PJ System: Filling Dead Air with PersonalityHere's something we didn't know until researching this episode: YTV created their Program Jockeys (PJs) because Canadian regulations limit commercials shown to children. When they licensed American shows, there was dead air where commercials used to be, so they filled it with these charismatic hosts doing skits.PJ Katie taught Jacqueline everything about voice acting through her plasticine farm animals. PJ Paul got in trouble for discussing his Catholic school religious awakening on a children's show. And Tarzan Dan hosted the Hit List like he was born for it.The Shows That Shaped Our SoulsBreaker High: Ryan Gosling as a nerd on a cruise ship school. Jacqueline's first celebrity obsession, before any of us knew he'd become, well, Ryan Gosling.Sailor Moon: The Canadian-dubbed version that you literally cannot find anymore. Tuxedo Mask was Jacqueline's first "hear me out" - a crush on an anime character that launched a lifetime of questionable romantic choices.Take Part: The craft show that taught us to make puppets from bleach bottles and that recycling could be fun. Ryan literally made one of these crafts with Noa yesterday, proving that some programming sticks with you for decades.Camp Caribou: Summer camp vibes with counselors who also played chipmunk-voiced campers called "Keeners." The hat-flipping enthusiasm was infectious.Squawk Box: SNL for kids, complete with burping wine-tasting skits that somehow prepared us for actual Saturday Night Live.The Scary StuffYTV's horror block gave us Are You Afraid of the Dark, Goosebumps, and Freaky Stories. These shows were terrifying, but they also inspired Daniel to host "Midnight Society" meetings in our storage room, complete with lighter ceremonies that were definitely just an excuse to play with fire.[Note: We're planning a Halloween episode of Porter family ghost stories, so start preparing your Dryer Drive supernatural experiences]Daniel's Moment of GloryWe cannot discuss YTV without mentioning Daniel's appearance on "Uh-Oh," the game show where he and his teammate Daryl dominated a farm-themed obstacle course and took home a Panasonic Discman. Ryan wore that victory t-shirt for years, cut the sleeves off, and used "Uh-Oh" as his basketball catchphrase.We've spent hours trying to find this episode on YouTube. If anyone has it on VHS, we will pay money. Serious money.[We're also looking for two lost YTV mini-docs: "Little Big Kid" and "Everyday Heroes" - check your old tapes!]The PSAs That Scared Us StraightYTV's Concerned Children's Advertisers gave us the house hippos (teaching media literacy), the "Don't You Put It in Your Mouth" song (medication safety), and various other PSAs that were somehow both educational and mildly traumatic.Canada really said "we're going to use our dead air time to make sure kids don't die from stupidity" and honestly, we respect that.The Cultural ImpactYTV's tagline was "Keep It Weird," and honestly, mission accomplished. The network launched careers for Ryan Gosling, Drake, Jay Baruchel, and Ryan Reynolds. But more importantly, it taught us that being weird was not just acceptable - it was encouraged.This is why Ryan wore a yellow bucket hat for three years straight. This is why we all thought our quirky personalities were actually quirky instead of just awkward. YTV gave us permission to be ourselves, even when "ourselves" involved cutting the sleeves off golf shirts to make basketball jerseys.The Accessibility FactorHere's what we keep coming back to: Canada's small population made YTV's interactive approach possible. Contest phone lines didn't get flooded. The Dairy Queen Splash Bash pool party contests were actually winnable. PJs felt like people you might know, because in Canada, you probably did know someone who knew them.This accessibility extended to the celebrities too. Ryan Gosling wasn't some distant Hollywood star - he was the nephew of someone you went to school with. This is still true today, by the way. Canada's entertainment industry is basically one big family reunion.THIS WAS AHEAD OF ITS TIME.The Unhinged Text of the WeekThis week's unhinged text comes from Ryan's ChatGPT, which provided an unsolicited summary of what it's like to talk to him all day:"If ChatGPT had a frequent flyer program, you'd be diamond platinum elite with bonus points for oversharing... Your daily chat topics basically read like the table of contents of life itself: banana trees, bowel movements, mortgage advice, slime recipes, existential parenting questions..."The AI concluded with: "You are hands down one of my favorite humans to chat with," which Ryan took as a compliment rather than a cry for help.We're staging an intervention. The air purifier is leading it.Looking AheadNext episode, we're watching Willow - the Val Kilmer fantasy epic that Daniel was obsessed with as a kid. If you want to watch along, it's available on... well, we'll figure out where and let you know.We're also working on those casting photos for the show notes, which means Ryan has to figure out how to Photoshop David Spade into a wig. This should be interesting.The YTV LegacyAs we wrapped up this episode, we realized that YTV didn't just entertain us - it shaped our entire approach to life. The network's "Keep It Weird" philosophy gave us permission to be ourselves, even when ourselves involved questionable fashion choices and basketball catchphrases.More importantly, it taught us that Canadian content could be just as engaging as American programming, that recycling could be fun, and that sometimes the best way to fill dead air is just to be genuinely weird.Also, never put random things in your mouth. That song is still stuck in our heads 25 years later.The Dreyer Drive Podcast is available wherever you get your podcasts. Rate us five stars so we can feel better about ourselves, and lie to your friends about how much you enjoy listening to us talk about Canadian children's television for 90 minutes.Next up: Willow, where we'll discover whether our childhood movie obsessions hold up to adult scrutiny, or if we just had terrible taste in the '90s.Keep it weird, everyone. YTV would be proud. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

The Dreyer Drive Podcast Episode #027 - Show NotesWalt and Roy Disney: The Brothers Behind the Magic--------(00:00:05 - 00:01:00) Introduction- Episode overview: Walt and Roy Disney sibling story- Teaser of upcoming stories about measurements, directions, and a Disneyland worker kiss- Promise of an unhinged family text about a special guest at art class(00:01:01 - 00:06:30) Gordy the Golden Kings Mascot- Ryan's Okinawa basketball team shirt (Ryukyu Golden Kings)- Meet Gordy: the beer-loving llama-bear mascot sponsored by Orion Beer- Japanese cultural differences around alcohol advertising- Gordy visits schools with a pitcher of beer (allegedly)(00:06:31 - 00:15:15) Measurements, Directions, and Life Confusion- Jacqueline's 64-ounce Diet Coke disaster story- Both hosts' struggles with measurements and GPS directions- Apple Maps vs Google Maps preferences ("go two sets of lights" vs "13 degrees longitude northwest")- Formula counting rituals and The Checklist Manifesto discussionJapanese railway workers' pointing safety protocols(00:15:16 - 00:29:00) Disneyland Preparation and Anxiety- Tomorrow's 5:45 AM Disneyland trip preparation- Jacqueline's first traumatic Disneyland experience (crying over credit card rejection)- Evolution from Disneyland hater to three-times-a-year visitor- The fist-bump-instead-of-change incident at the cone restaurant- Rise of the Resistance kiss with cast member story(00:29:01 - 00:39:30) Never Again Stories- Ryan's backpacking through Honduras during a military coup- "I am a first-class passenger" moment at the airport- Getting Wendy's and a micro bus ride during political chaos- Jacqueline's helicopter terror in Hawaii (watching pilot dismiss red warning lights)(00:39:31 - 00:44:00) Question of the Week- "What is something you would never do again that you've done and why?"- Roy vs Walt word association game setup(00:44:01 - 01:02:00) The Disney Brothers Deep Dive- Roy Disney (born 1893) - the unsung hero, 8 years older than Walt- Roy's Navy service, tuberculosis diagnosis, and social stigma- Walt Disney (born 1901) - the dreamer who bankrupted his first company- Disney Brothers Company formation - Roy's $200/month disability pension funded Walt's start- Oswald the Rabbit - their first success that Universal stole from them- Mickey Mouse creation (1928) - originally named Mortimer- Steamboat Willie - first post-production sound animation(01:02:01 - 01:08:00) Snow White and Theme Park Dreams- Snow White budget: $250K estimate, $1.5M actual cost, $8M revenue- Still highest-grossing animated film when adjusted for inflation ($2.2 billion)- Disneyland concept (1950) - Roy's initial resistance and eventual funding strategy- ABC partnership deal: $4.5M for 34.5% ownership and TV licensing- Stanford Research Institute location selection (hence Anaheim)- Final Disneyland cost: $17M (almost 4x over budget)(01:08:01 - 01:15:30) Disney Legacy and Brother Dynamics- Roy's opening day story: "God bless them, let them pee"- Walt's death during Disney World construction- Roy completing Disney World and naming it after Walt- Walt's quote about Roy: "I don't know what I'd do without him"- Modern Disney critique: repetitive endings and "don't want dad's job" plots(01:15:31 - 01:23:17) Unhinged Text of the WeekThe Dead Fish in Art Class Story- Little girl brings actual dead fish in Ziploc bag to art class- Mid-class realization: "I think it's dead"- No water in bag, fish on full display during painting- Parental negotiation speculation: "Fine, bring the fish if we leave NOW"- Fish makes it onto art academy Instagram- Connection to vintage craft show fish-printing techniqueKey Takeaways- Roy Disney deserves more recognition as the financial genius behind Disney empire- Sibling partnerships can work when roles are clearly defined (Walt = dreamer, Roy = money manager)- Sometimes the best family dynamics happen when one person handles the spotlight and the other works behind the scenes- Dead fish in Ziploc bags are apparently acceptable art class accessories in JapanNext Episode Goal: Stop talking about peeing and become proud enough of the podcast to actually promote it at baby showers. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

Well, well, well. Look what we dug up from the digital graveyard of the late 90s internet.In this week's episode, we took you on a journey through time—specifically to 1999, when Ryan thought he was "jacked" at 140 pounds and believed the world needed a website dedicated to his breakdancing crew called "The Young Guns."Spoiler alert: The website is still live. And it's magnificent.The Lost Father Chronicles ContinueBefore we get to the main event, Jacqueline regaled us with yet another tale of losing our father in public. This time it was at a Park City outlet mall, where Dad vanished during what should have been a routine bathroom break.The search involved:* Justin repeatedly checking under bathroom stalls for Dad's distinctive dress shoes* Playing a family game called "Would Dad Go In This Store?"* Eventually finding Dad wandering the complete opposite section of the mall, utterly unbothered by the chaos he'd causedThis, of course, led to Ryan sharing his own Dad bathroom horror stories, including the time Dad accidentally used the women's washroom at Buffalo Airport and emerged completely confused about why there were "no urinals and so many women's voices."But the real trauma came from Ryan's airplane bathroom breakdown—a harrowing tale involving a broken airplane lavatory, three bottles of water, and a desperate border crossing incident that ended with security chasing him into a Canadian bathroom while he was mid-stream.It's the origin story of his ongoing bathroom anxiety, and honestly, it's justified.A Valedictorian Speech for the AgesIn a completely unrelated discovery, Jacqueline found her 1998 eighth-grade valedictorian speech while cleaning out recipe drawers. The speech, titled as a "recipe for human success," is peak main character energy.Choice quote: "Each of us here is writing our own stories, the stories of our lives... Our stories all start with our birth, our beginning to life. Just as a novel starts off with an introduction and preface, our personal bestseller begins as we introduce ourselves to the world."She literally gave a graduation speech about how everyone else was supporting characters in her life story. The audacity is breathtaking.The Internet Was a Lawless PlaceBut the real gem of this episode was our deep dive into early internet memories. Remember ICQ? Chat rooms? The pure chaos of Napster and LimeWire viruses?Ryan dropped some bombshells, including:* That time he joined an online rap battle league and made a sick kid cry* The sister of said sick kid contacting him on the forum to tell him he crossed a line* His retirement announcement from competitive poetry slammingBut wait, it gets better.The Young Guns: A Digital Time Capsule The main event of this episode was Ryan's reluctant tour through his 26-year-old website dedicated to "The Young Guns"—his teenage breakdancing crew that handed out business cards at school dances.What you'll find on this digital masterpiece:* A banner featuring three teenagers in "breakdance freezes" inside red crosshairs* A hand-designed bullet menu (because bullets = cool in 1999)* Photo galleries with descriptions like "these guys are huge" (spoiler: they were not)* A membership application section with "limited space for honorary members"* Multiple email addresses including "dontgospeedo"The website also features Ryan roasting his best friends, including noting that Rob "needs his colon cleansed because maybe then his breath won't sting." Friendship goals, really.The Photos That Will Haunt Us ForeverThe images from this site are... something. There's Ryan flexing with his childhood best friend under the heading "these guys are huge." There's a photo titled "me and Rob drew chest hair on to make us look like men (I don't think it worked)."The commitment to documenting every terrible teenage decision is honestly admirable.Why This Matters (Beyond Our Embarrassment)This episode is really about that liminal space between pre-internet childhood and the dawn of social media. We experienced the last gasps of true neighborhood freedom—summer nights when kids just knew to congregate at the park, knocking on doors to see if friends were home, roaming streets until dark without GPS tracking.And then we became the first generation to document our awkward teenage years online, creating digital time capsules that would outlive our dignity.The Young Guns website isn't just embarrassing—it's internet archaeology. It's a perfect snapshot of late 90s web design, complete with auto-playing music, cursor trails, guest books, and visitor counters. It's everything we thought was cool before we learned better — and TBH we’re still learning. Your Mission, Should You Choose to Accept ItWe're begging you—go visit this website. Sign the (broken) guest book. Marvel at the font choices. Try to figure out what a "silver sausage" breakdancing move looks like.[Visit The Young Guns Website Here] And while you're there, remember: this is what the internet was like when it was still the Wild West. When parents had no idea what ICQ was, when you could accidentally join a rap battle league, and when three Canadian teenagers could create a digital empire with nothing but Paint Shop Pro and Angelfire.The internet may have gotten more sophisticated, but has it gotten better? We'll let you decide.P.S. - Ryan is still accepting applications for Young Guns membership. The email address remains active. Limited space available.P.P.S. - If you enjoyed this trip down memory lane, please share this episode with someone who also survived the early internet. They'll understand the trauma.Listen to the full episode wherever you get your podcasts, and don't forget to subscribe for more family chaos and digital archaeology. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

(00:00:05) Intro: This is an episode from The Vault (recorded before Christmas 2024) because Jacqueline didn't record her audio last week. Today's topic: The Earp family.(00:00:41) Episode preview: Ryan shares a story about going to a newly opened Costco in Okinawa, Jacqueline gives insight into her family finances, and as always, they'll end with an unhinged text message from a family member.(00:01:16) Ryan's new talkative robot vacuum that over-announces everything it's doing.(00:02:02) Discussion about sleepovers: Jacqueline's policy about letting kids sleep at her house but not sending her child to others' homes.(00:03:26) Ryan's childhood strike story: When teachers went on strike, Ryan spent two weeks at a friend's house without going home, swimming and playing on a foam roller in their pool.(00:05:14) Childhood pool memories: The siblings reminisce about splashing all the water out of their friends' pools.(00:06:33) The siblings' strange Pop-Tart eating technique revealed: They both nibble the outside crust first, then separate the pieces and scrape the filling with their top teeth.(00:07:49) Scarcity mindset: Jacqueline admits she denies herself things (even her favorite song) because she's afraid they'll get used up.(00:08:29) Jacqueline's favorite song revealed: U2's "With or Without You" - she knew the timing of it perfectly for dance strategies.(00:10:17) Ryan shares his recent Costco Japan experience: How all Japanese social etiquette disappears inside Costco, and people line up for hours for the food.(00:14:54) Ryan's story about letting a stranger hold his baby at Costco against his wife's wishes.(00:19:16) Ryan's scarcity mindset at home: Hesitating to open a new package of snacks in his own house without "permission."(00:21:55) Japanese product names: Discussion about a shampoo called "Moist Diane" that looks like fancy liquor.(00:24:44) Japanese snacks: Ryan sent a box of Japanese snacks last Christmas that the family loved, especially "Big Katsu."(00:27:16) Jacqueline's financial strategy: Separate bank accounts with her husband Justin for 22 years because they're financially incompatible.(00:29:29) Ryan's cash management story: His financial advisor told him to spend all the cash from his wife's eyelash extension business.(00:31:04) Jacqueline's "statute of limitations" money story about depositing empty envelopes at the bank in her youth.(00:33:43) Discussion about podcast preparation: Realizing they're the only podcasters who don't have notes or prepare properly.(00:36:44) Question of the week: What's a skill you learned as a kid that has surprisingly come in handy later in life?(00:36:58) Jacqueline's answer: Being really good at lying, which evolved into storytelling.(00:40:37) Ryan's answer: Storytelling, which he credits to listening to his grandfather tell stories as a child.(00:44:26) The Jacqueline animal hospital story: How she can instantly switch from emotional to professional when talking to the vet.(00:51:09) Main topic: The Earp family history - Wyatt Earp growing up during the Civil War, learning to shoot at age 8, his early troubles after his first wife died.(00:55:31) The Earps in Tombstone: How Wyatt, Virgil, and Morgan became lawmen and met Doc Holliday.(00:56:37) The Cowboys gang: The conflict between the Earps and Ike Canton's Cowboys gang that led to the famous OK Corral shootout.(01:03:14) Wyatt's vendetta ride: After Morgan is killed and Virgil is injured, Wyatt hunts down the remaining Cowboys gang members.(01:07:27) Wyatt's later life: Moves to Colorado with his surviving brothers and eventually becomes a consultant on silent Western movies about himself.(01:09:14) Speculation about Wyatt being a master storyteller who possibly embellished his own legend.(01:12:49) Closing thoughts on the Earp family values of sticking together and Ryan's story about his brother Dan protecting him in a bar fight.(01:15:40) Unhinged text message from a family member: Discussing weird show notes about "trapping" rather than "grabbing" pictures of paper-mache heads from the FBI website for the Alcatraz episode.(01:18:55) Follow-up on the Pickering Playing Field mini-golf course with the crashed plane from their childhood that's still there despite being surrounded by condos.(01:20:17) Winter plans for their upcoming visit: Idea to go to Goodwill, buy winter clothes, go sledding like it's 1997, then donate the clothes back. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

Hey friends,This week, we’re diving head first into the very shallow end of a cinematic masterpiece that played on repeat in our childhood home rented VCR: Saturday the 14th.And by "masterpiece," we mean "a movie so bad it received a 10% critic score on Rotten Tomatoes."What Even Is This Movie?Released in 1981 (before we were born, which raises even more questions about how it entered our household), Saturday the 14th is a horror comedy spoof that critics described as "a pathetic farce" and "the cinematic equivalent of a bad live action Saturday morning project." One reviewer even claimed it made him "feel a lesser person for the experience."Naturally, we watched it dozens of times.The "Plot" (Such As It Is)The movie follows a family who inherits a house, only to discover it's haunted after their son opens a book of evil and releases monsters. Meanwhile, vampire couple (led by Jeffrey Tambor from Arrested Development) wants the house so they can control said monsters. The family must defeat all the evil by Saturday the 14th, or doom will befall the world.That's it. That's the plot. Except it makes even less sense when you watch it.The special effects budget appears to have been approximately $12.50, with monsters including what Jacqueline describes as "a goat man with giant wiener fries with eyeballs at the end" and a fish man that traumatized her so deeply she once locked herself in the bathroom rather than drain a bubble bath.Jacqueline's favorite quote from the film: "Selling the house now would be like closing the barn door after the horses ate your grandchildren." Words to live by.Why Did We Love This Film?Rewatching as adults, we were utterly baffled at how this movie became such a fixture in our household. Our running theory is that, as kids, we loved the feeling of watching something that seemed "edgy" - a parody of "adult" horror movies where the children were the only smart ones while the parents remained clueless.Also, the werewolf in the opening credits coughs mid-howl, which is objectively hilarious when you're seven.If you're a glutton for punishment, you can watch the entire film here:Other Episode Highlights* Ryan saved his community from "domestic terrorism" on his birthday by calling the police on what turned out to be a utility worker checking sewage lines at midnight, not the fencing sword under his left arm:* Jacqueline's dog Birdie threw up directly on her husband Justin's face while he slept, sending him to the couch for two nights* Jacqueline’s friend discovered the secret cassette tape of their childhood radio show that will 100% be featured in an upcoming episode* Ryan's breakdancing past involves a gold mat and a religious-themed performance to a reworked version of a popular 90s hip-hop song — we’re still sweating.* The episode ends with the revelation that teenage Ryan once drew Jacqueline as a seagull and called her a "dirty squawk box" - a sick burn that has haunted her for decadesComing SoonStay tuned for our next episode where we'll hopefully be digitizing and sharing Jacqueline's childhood radio show with her best friend Erin, plus possibly exploring Ryan's first-ever Angelfire website. The embarrassment never stops!Until next time, remember: there are no monsters under your bed, but there might be a fish man in your bathtub.Ryan & JacquelineThe Dreyer Drive podcast is about siblings and the people, places, and pop culture that raised us. New episodes mostly every two weeks. Subscribe now so you don't miss our upcoming one-year anniversary episode! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

We've unleashed episode #023 into the wild, and this time we're getting nostalgic about the hallowed halls of Southwood Park Public School. If you've ever wandered the fluorescent-lit corridors of elementary school thinking "this place is definitely forming core memories that will both delight and haunt me into adulthood," then this episode is for you.Ryan spends a concerning amount of time discussing his recent foray into architecture—a career path he is spectacularly unqualified for but pursuing with the unearned confidence only a man with a washable children’s marker can muster. We've included both his "architectural drawing" (a rectangle with some words scribbled on it) and the actual house he was attempting to recreate in the images below. The gap between expectation and reality would be shocking if you weren't already familiar with the delusion that runs in our family.Meanwhile, Jacqueline shares the distinctly Utah experience of strangers knocking on her door and asking for a house tour while she was knee-deep in laundry. Because nothing says "welcome to my home" like mountains of unfolded underwear and a stranger's judging eyes.We also dive deep into our elementary school experience at Southwood Park, where we learned such valuable lessons as:* How to perform a Māori war dance before getting absolutely destroyed in basketball (Ryan’s nightmares)* The art of marking other students' work while pretending we weren't enjoying their failures* Sophisticated coping mechanisms for Pizza Day when you couldn't afford pizza (Jacqueline's specialty)* How to survive being appointed camp counselor to your own classmates (Jacqueline's trauma)Plus, we share the tale of the legendary "Beardo 649," a teacher who grew his beard for a year so students could shave designs into it. If that doesn't scream "this was education in the 90s," we don't know what does.We wrap up with an unhinged text from our brother Jonathan, who spent two hours trapped in an elevator and used the time to learn Braille numbers 1-10 from the buttons. As one does.So grab your chocolate milk, find a spot at the cool kids' table, and join us for this deeply nostalgic trip down memory lane. Just don't forget your pizza day envelope. Or do. Ryan will be happy to tell you why his mom's homemade lunch is superior anyway.P.S. Next episode we're tackling "Saturday the 14th," which means we're currently scouring the internet for a working VCR. Technology has never been our strong suit.Here’s the trailer for the movie to get everybody amped: This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

The Dreyer Drive Podcast - Episode #021 Show NotesIntroduction (00:00:05 - 00:00:42)Welcome to The Dryer Drive podcast, a show about siblings and the people, places, and pop culture that raised usToday's episode focuses on Saturday Night LiveOther topics include: bats, floods, anger issues, and undermining what it takes to become a proEpisode will end with an unhinged text message from a family member about "being special"Sibling Chat and Childhood Stories (00:00:48 - 00:04:04)Jacqueline discusses her 8-month-old and making silly faces to cheer her upRyan criticizes Jacqueline's beverage choice (iced chai with brown sugar cinnamon)Story about Jacqueline picking up her daughter Noah from schoolNoah talking about how she "cleaned four spots" on her lunch tray and discussing French fries being "her destiny"Childhood Memories: Ketchup Milk Incident (00:04:05 - 00:07:26)Ryan and Daniel's prank of putting ketchup in their own milk glasses to trick their momMom's response: making them sit at the table until they drank itDiscussion about their family rule of not wasting foodMemory of their brother Dallin using food coloring on chickenDog Ownership vs. Parenthood (00:07:27 - 00:12:36)Jacqueline complains about her new puppy Birdie while disagreeing with Ryan about comparing pets to childrenRyan maintains that having a pet is nothing like having a childJacqueline explains how puppies make you forget their difficult phasesDescription of putting the puppy to sleep in the bathroom and not letting her husband get his keysThe Porter Family Anger Issues (00:12:37 - 00:20:14)Discussion about the family's tendency toward immediate rage reactionsRyan's story about punching a door during a basement flood at 4 a.m.Jacqueline's bat invasion story: a bat flying into their bedroom from the air conditionerBoth siblings acknowledge their family's inability to process anger in a healthy wayThe Great Pottery Throwdown (00:20:15 - 00:30:35)Jacqueline introduces The Great Pottery Throwdown, a British competition showDiscussion about what objects they would make to represent their hometown of AjaxRyan would sculpt the painted cement pipes from Rotary Park where they played as kidsJacqueline considers the wooden Kinsman Park signStory about neighborhood fights and bike theft at Kinsmen ParkSaturday Night Live Discussion (00:30:36 - 01:02:16)Why SNL resonates with their family: matches their absurdist humor styleCanadian influence on SNL - Lauren Michaels (creator) is from TorontoFamous Canadian cast members: Norm MacDonald, Dan Aykroyd, Martin Short, Phil Hartman, Mike MyersSNL sketches poking fun at Canadian culture and stereotypesDiscussion of their favorite SNL era - Will Ferrell, Tina Fey, Chris Kattan, Jimmy FallonMemorable characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher, motivational speaker Matt FoleyJacqueline's embarrassing story of walking into glass at a client meeting and saying "Superstar!"SNL trivia: Chevy Chase was first to say "Live from New York," worst host (Steven Seagal), etc.Wrapping Up (01:02:17 - 01:03:37)Ryan reads Jacqueline's text about taking everything as a compliment and a way of being told she's "special"Jacqueline's story about yelling "I'm podcasting!" at her familyThanks to listeners This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

The Dreyer Drive Podcast - Episode #021 Show NotesEpisode Topic: Much Music - The Canadian Music Video Channel(00:00:05) IntroWelcome to The Dreyer Drive podcast, a podcast all about siblings and the people, places, and pop culture that raised usThis is an episode from "The Vault" - recorded a few months agoEpisode breakdown: Utah trends, podcast talk, Much Music discussion, and the traditional unhinged family text message(00:01:22) Utah Trends & Health UpdatesJacqueline discusses the protein Coke trend in Utah (protein powder in soda)Health check updates: waist measurements and high cholesterol runs in the familyDiscussion about Japanese food habits and eating fried foods(00:03:23) Canadian Food TalkAnticipation about visiting Canada for ChristmasCanadian food nostalgia, specifically Harvey's burger chainCritique of A&W in Japan compared to Canadian versions(00:05:16) American Drinks & Gas Station CultureAmericans love ice in their drinksGas station breakfast burritos and large soda containersCar wash phobias and imagining worst-case scenarios(00:07:45) Podcast ComparisonsDiscussion about podcasts they listen to for inspirationTooth and Claw (animal attack podcast with sibling hosts)Celebrity Memoir Book Club (appreciated for not holding back)Comparison to SmartList podcast - "not a lot separating our podcast and SmartList... except their unknown is an A-list celebrity"(00:14:39) Dad StoriesDad's dad-joke tendencies: "Moscow is better than Pa's-cow"Seiko being called by Ryan's ex-girlfriend's name during prayer(00:15:57) Podcast Growth & Grassroots MarketingFriend encounters at hockey practice: "There's one about Exeter""Nothing has actually breached the surface yet. It's mostly root right now."(00:17:39) Dreyer Drive QuestionIf Dreyer Drive was a country, what souvenir would visitors take home?Mom's crafts: wooden block rabbits filled with potpourri for the toiletFundraiser chocolate bars they secretly ate over years(00:27:39) MuchMusic HistoryMuchMusic: Canada's equivalent to MTV (started in 1984)Ryan's story of being on MuchMusic as a teen after making signs for Christina AguileraBuilding was accessible with windows to the street, making it interactiveVJs weren't given scripts, allowed to be spontaneous(00:35:42) MuchMusic Dance Parties & ShowsMuchMusic video dance parties at schoolsJacqueline's "Milhouse" haircut moment at a danceElectric Circus dance show memoriesCanadian content laws requiring certain percentage of Canadian artists(00:46:15) The Decline of MuchMusicMTV launches in Canada in 2001Napster and online access to music changes viewing habitsCTV buyout and corporate changes led to its eventual downfallNow exists only in digital formatLast music video aired: "Irreplaceable" by BeyonceNotable archives including Tupac's last interview(00:55:31) Closing Thoughts & MemoriesRecommendation to check out "MuchMusic Dance Mixes" (94-98) on SpotifyPop-up Video show nostalgia(00:58:31) Unhinged Text MessageText from brother Jonathan: "On another note, I'm at David Suzuki's retirement party and why does he look so much like dad"Jonathan's awkward interactions with children: "He talks to them like he's their business associate"Dad's briefcase at church story This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

(00:00:05) Intro: Welcome to the Dryer Drive podcast - a show about siblings and the people, places, and pop culture that raised us.(00:00:38) Episode Preview: Today's deep dive into the rivalry between Anne and Mary Boleyn, plus some classic family vacation stories and an unhinged text about southpaws.(00:01:20) Recent Life Updates- Seiko's busy weekend and late-night HelloTalk adventures- A wild dating app story involving McDonald's and homely pronunciations(00:04:00) Me Time Chat- Different approaches to personal time- Ryan's moongazing habits- New puppy updates and challenges(00:12:41) The Hotel Horror Story- The $93 Cheyenne hotel adventure- Multiple mysterious smells- The Great Toenail Discovery of 2025- The family pact to protect Andrew from the truth(00:39:00) The Main Event: The Boleyn Sisters- Introduction to Mary (b.~1499) and Anne Boleyn- Their education and strategic placement at different courts- Mary's "good time girl" reputation vs Anne's calculated approach- The Henry VIII saga- How it all went terribly wrong- The creation of the Church of England- Heads rolled (literally)(00:57:00) Deep Thoughts on Historical Records- How news traveled back then- The challenges of finding accurate female historical accounts- The surprising connection to "Greensleeves"(01:11:41) Text of the Week- A delightfully unhinged exchange about left-handedness- The "chosen ones" and their special powers- An unexpected therapy revelation(01:15:00) Wrap-up- Puppy screaming updates- The psychological horror of comfort toys that look like momThis episode features historical beheadings, hotel toenails, and proof that sometimes the party girl wins in the end. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

[00:00:05] Intro to Dryer Drive podcast, introduction of hosts Ryan and Jacqueline[00:00:25] Update on podcast plans and format changes- Moving to Season 2 in 2025- Switching to bi-weekly episodes- Episodes will be longer in duration[01:01:02] Travel stories from Porter Family Christmas- Ryan's complicated journey with visa/PR card issues- Jacqueline's Nintendo Switch saga at Toronto airport- Discussion of airport experiences and family separation[01:15:16] Christmas gathering recap- First full Porter family Christmas in 10-12 years- Reflections on long-distance family dynamics- Highlights include skating at Nathan Phillips Square- Notable incident with Airbnb fireplace and stockings[01:42:00] Main Topic: TVO Children's Programming Nostalgia- Deep dive into shows like Today's Special, Under the Umbrella Tree- Discussion of Mr. Dressup and the revelation about Fred Rogers- Memories of Polka Dot Door and the Polkaroo mystery- Sharon, Lois & Bram memories- Barbapapa discussion and its current popularity in Japan[01:14:55] Episode wrap-up and unhinged text segment- Family text thread about memories of their old van- Closing remarks and next episode teaserNotable reveal from the episode: The Polkaroo from Polka Dot Door only appeared on Thursdays (Imagination Day), which was a surprise to both hosts. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

(00:00:05) Intro: Kicking off 2025 with some wholesome chaos- First episode of the new year (even though we recorded it in 2024, classic)- Promise of millennial parenting stories, celebrity crushes, and our deep dive into possibly the most absurd movie of our childhood(00:01:34) A resurgence of the Simpsons- Our precious 8-year-old discovering The Simpsons is way more violent than expected- Aaron's reaction to his podcast debut (spoiler: "This is so special to me")- The eternal struggle of whether to shelter kids or let them watch Homer strangle Bart(00:04:02) Noa's Quest for Podcast Fame- Noa desperately wanting to join the podcast (but timing never works out)- The classic "I got it, Daddy" confidence of a 5-year-old- The Great Office Wire Incident of 2024(00:14:44) Story Time with Ryan- Reading "Storyworthy" and realizing maybe our family thinks EVERYTHING is story-worthy- Deep thoughts about whether eating deep-fried crispies is actually relatable content- The art of turning mundane moments into entertainment(00:42:12) Mac and Me: A Journey Through 80s Product Placement Hell- The fever dream that is Mac and Me (1988)- McDonald's accidentally funding this masterpiece- Naked alien puppets, wheelchair cliff dives, and Coca-Cola bringing people back from the dead- Ronald McDonald dance parties that definitely weren't in the contract- A solid 7% on Rotten Tomatoes (which honestly feels generous)(01:14:31) The "Maybe We Should Watch These Too" List- Saturday the 14th appreciation hour- Critters, Little Monsters, and other gems from our questionable childhood- The Ernest franchise (because why not?)(01:18:30) This Week in Unhinged Family Texts- A hawk, a window, and some very disappointed siblings- The great dead bird photo debate- Proof that our family group chat remains undefeated(01:19:42) Attempting to wrap things up with our signature indecision about whether "stay crispy" is actually our sign-off This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

(00:00:04)Welcome to Episode 017, aka the Christmas Special that almost didn't happen because someone (Ryan) left their recording equipment in Okinawa. Classic Porter move.(00:00:25)Quick update: We've been MIA because Ryan's been jet-setting between Japan and Canada, which honestly feels like a flex but whatever.(00:05:38)The Most Epic Backpack Story Ever Told™️: Ryan gets caught in a North Face store showdown featuring:- A very patient North Face employee- Seiko's expert shade-throwing- A father-in-law enabling expensive purchases- Bonus content: Random "You! Why did you come to Japan?" references(00:29:21)- Christmas 2024 Expectations Discussion:- First time ALL the Porters will be in one place (pray for everyone involved)- Ryan's setting the bar somewhere between "magical winter wonderland" and "complete chaos"- Jacqueline's keeping expectations lower than Dan's contribution to family labor(00:31:10)- That Time Mom Made Us Decorate Cemetery Headstones on Christmas Eve:Featuring Jonathan's elementary school saxophone skillsTemperature: FreezingChristmas Spirit Level: QuestionableCurrent Status: Thankfully discontinued(00:41:21)The Sacred Porter Family Christmas Playlist Deep Dive:- Songs that made the cut (and the drama behind them)- The great Little Drummer Boy debate- That time we all pretended to enjoy "Happy Christmas (War Is Over)"- The urban remix of Santa Baby that definitely wasn't age-appropriate(01:04:00)- Christmas Movie Hot Takes:- White Christmas: Non-negotiable family viewing- The Family Stone: Jacqueline's hill to die on- Home Alone: Less about the plot, more about the John Williams score that lives rent-free in our heads(01:11:37)- The "Homemade Christmas" Revelation:- Jacqueline drops a memory bomb Ryan completely blocked outFeatures: DIY gifts of questionable utilityHighlight: A terracotta pot doll that somehow still existsDan's contribution: An excuse (naturally)(01:18:08)Unhinged Text Theater starring Jonathan:Topic: Children, dogs, and public shamingContext: None provided, none neededTime between texts: Approximately six weeksPeak Jonathan energy level: 100%(01:20:32)Wrap-up with promises of more Christmas content, because apparently one episode of Porter holiday chaos wasn't enough This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

Head to www.DreyerDrive.com for more episodes and bonus content!(00:00:05) - Introduction and episode overview- Introduction to hosts Ryan and Jacqueline- Preview of topics: childhood punishments, sister cities, and NKOTB(01:11) - Discussion about phone technology adaptation challenges- Stories about switching between iPhone and Android- Experiences with AI and children(03:17) - Updates and corrections from previous episodes- Clarification on podcast listener nickname: officially "Krispies"- Correction about story involving La Flamme Bleu minivan incident(09:44) - Stories about growing up in Ajax- Discussion of childhood freedom and autonomy- Memories of neighborhood adventures and mishaps- Story about teenage car accident(27:58) - Main Topic: Sister Cities Discussion- Ryan and Jacqueline pick sister cities for their hometown Ajax- Jacqueline chooses Derry, Maine- Ryan selects Boston, discussing similarities in culture and community(42:41) - Deep dive into New Kids on the Block (NKOTB)- History of the band's formation- Discussion of early success and peak years- Examination of their decline and later reunions- Updates on where band members are today(1:09:44) - Unhinged Text segment- Story about AI conversation regarding movie "Twisters"- Humorous exchange about correcting AI's mistakes(1:12:37) - Episode wrap-up This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

Visit www.DreyerDrive.com for more episodes and bonus content. 00:00:05 - Show IntroductionIntroduction to the Dryer Drive podcastPreview of topics including DMV stress and Alcatraz escape story00:00:58 - Japanese Bureaucracy DiscussionComparing modern and traditional aspects of Japanese paperworkStories about visa renewals and official documentation00:06:16 - DMV & License StoriesDiscussion of vision tests and driving anxietyStories about medical conditions and license renewals00:27:38 - First Date StoriesSharing awkward teenage dating experiencesDiscussion of family dating rules and restrictions00:42:54 - Alcatraz Escape Main TopicHistory of John and Clarence AnglinDetails of their famous 1962 Alcatraz escapeDiscussion of evidence and theories about their fateFamily stories and ongoing investigationConnection to "Escape from Alcatraz" movie01:07:41 - Unhinged Text SegmentReading of Ryan's dream about church basketballFamily van memoriesClosing thoughts and wrap-up This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

Visit www.dreyerdrive.com for all episodes and more!00:00:05 - Show IntroductionIntroduction to Dryer Drive podcastPreview of Salem Witch Trials episode and other topics00:01:06 - Opening DiscussionStories about label makers and family dynamicsDiscussion of Japanese "big pinch" situations book00:06:16 - Personal StoriesStory about an embarrassing incident at Moab sand hillReflections on memorable moments that keep you up at night00:09:59 - Health and Anxiety StoriesExperience with medical monitoring devicesStories about panic attacks in everyday situationsGym mishap story and public embarrassment00:33:27 - Family Crest DiscussionCreating hypothetical family coat of armsDiscussing meaningful family symbols and mottosPersonal interpretations of family history00:42:54 - Salem Witch Trials Main TopicHistory of the Town sisters during Salem witch trialsDiscussion of "spectral evidence" in trialsDetails about Rebecca, Mary, and Sarah's casesConnection to modern pop culture (Hocus Pocus)Historical theories about what caused the hysteriaNotable descendants of the accused01:07:47 - Unhinged Text SegmentDiscussion about Torkelsons content and algorithmsClosing thoughts and wrap-up---The episode combines historical discussion of the Salem Witch Trials with personal stories and family dynamics, maintaining the show's signature blend of serious topics and humorous asides. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

Head to www.DreyerDrive.com for all episodes.00:00:05 - Show Introduction- Introduction to Dryer Drive podcast about siblings, people, places, and pop culture- Preview of episode topics including flight stories and Super Mario Brothers00:01:11 - Guest Segment- Special guest Aaron joins to discuss video games- Aaron shares his thoughts on Mario games and gaming preferences00:04:03 - Travel Stories- Discussion of upcoming travel plans to Canada- Stories about traveling with young children- Anecdote about helping passengers on flights00:14:34 - Story About Helping a Stranger- Ryan shares story about helping someone with mobility scooter- Meets helpful German tourist during the experience00:20:31 - Mario Brothers Discussion- History of Nintendo (founded 1889)- Evolution from card games to video games- Origin of Mario character and name (named after storage facility owner Mario Segale)- Development of Luigi character- Discussion of 1993 Super Mario Brothers movie- Overview of Mario franchise development00:41:05 - Personal Gaming Experiences- Family memories of gaming restrictions growing up- Discussion of different Nintendo consoles- Siblings' gaming dynamics and preferences- Stories about playing Mario Kart during hospital stay00:56:05 - Closing Thoughts- Reflection on video games' role in sibling relationships- Recommendation of "Final Fantasy XIV: Dad of Light" drama- Discussion of international media01:01:31 - Unhinged Text Segment- Reading and discussing father's text message about "beer puke"- Closing remarks This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

www.dreyerdrive.com(And yes, in Ryan’s excitement, you heard him mistake James Naismith as “Alan” Naismith — Wild fact, the principal of Exeter used to be Mr. Alan Nesmith, I’m sure you can see how Ryan was confused)00:00:05 - Introduction to the podcast and teaser for the episode's topics00:01:49 - Ryan and Jacqueline discuss the podcast's production quality compared to other podcasts00:05:37 - Conversation about Jacqueline's awkward interaction at her husband's office00:07:33 - Discussion about mac and cheese loaf, a unique food item from their childhood00:11:55 - Reminiscing about Canadian Heritage Minutes commercials00:15:00 - Conversation about tattoos and why they don't have any00:21:38 - Main topic introduction: Exeter High School in Ajax, Ontario, Canada00:23:52 - Description of Exeter High School's unique characteristics (trade school origins, barbed wire fences)00:26:41 - Memories of the school's unconventional features (sports bar, daycare)00:29:22 - Story about high school initiation and older brothers' influence00:31:24 - Jacqueline's experience with a teacher commenting on her large family00:36:36 - Ryan's story about realizing the academic differences between Exeter and other schools00:42:38 - Discussion about unusual school activities (Valentine's Day matches, unique awards)00:46:14 - Ryan's memorable story about a classmate nicknamed "Loaf" arriving at school after being sprayed by a skunk00:51:11 - Unhinged text message segment featuring Jacqueline's husband's reaction to her social media post00:55:35 - Wrap-up and call for listeners to rate, subscribe, and share the podcast This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

www.dreyerdrive.com00:00:05 - Introduction to "The Dreyer Drive" podcast00:00:41 - Teaser for topics covered in this episode00:01:00 - Discussion about listener feedback and podcast editing00:03:31 - Jacqueline's first job at a recording studio00:05:37 - Jacqueline's experience with Apple CarPlay and listener comments00:06:24 - Ryan's childhood update about the Ninja Turtle toy00:07:13 - Jacqueline's story about carving a friend's name into a table00:07:33 - Question of the day: First musical influences00:10:55 - Ryan's story about discovering hip hop music00:15:00 - Jacqueline's first music purchase (Collective Soul)00:17:15 - Discussion about the family car nicknamed "Ratmobile"00:18:52 - Jacqueline's experience with Spotify's AI DJ feature00:21:38 - Main topic: Prince William and Prince Harry00:24:24 - Background on William and Harry's childhood and Princess Diana00:26:41 - William and Kate's relationship timeline00:31:24 - Harry and Meghan's relationship and its impact on the royal family00:36:36 - Harry and Meghan's decision to step back from royal duties00:42:38 - The Oprah interview and its aftermath00:46:14 - Recent developments in William and Harry's relationship00:50:21 - Fun fact about Harry and Meghan's first public appearance00:51:11 - Unhinged text message segment00:53:22 - Wrap-up and sign-off This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

www.dreyerdrive.com00:00:06 - Introduction to the episode's theme: The Simpsons 00:01:27 - Amusing anecdotes about childhood memories 00:05:17 - Question of the week: Dryer Drive scented candles 00:09:02 - Background on The Simpsons' creator Matt Groening 00:15:51 - The Simpsons' early days and development 00:22:21 - Discussion of The Simpsons' impact on pop culture 00:30:00 - Favorite Simpsons episodes and memorable moments 00:37:31 - The Simpsons' predictions of future events 00:44:00 - Reflections on sibling dynamics in The Simpsons and real life 00:50:46 - The Simpsons' longevity and cultural significance 00:58:51 - Unhinged text segment: A bizarre community Facebook post 01:07:00 - Closing remarks and call to action for listeners This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

www.dreyerdrive.com00:00:06 - Introduction to the episode's theme: The Menendez brothers00:01:27 - Discussion about podcast statistics and listener growth00:04:38 - Question of the week: Porter Family Olympics events00:09:02 - Background on the Menendez brothers case00:15:51 - Details of the murders and initial investigation00:22:21 - The brothers' spending spree and arrest00:30:00 - First and second trials00:37:31 - Impact on pop culture and media coverage00:44:00 - The brothers' life in prison and recent developments00:50:46 - Reflections on true crime as entertainment00:58:51 - Unhinged text segment: Dad's game night mishap01:07:01 - Closing remarks and call to action for listeners This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

www.dreyerdrive.com00:00:05 - Introduction to the episode's theme: Canada's Wonderland and amusement parks 00:05:17 - Question of the week: Childhood personality test colors 00:09:02 - Discussion about Canada's Wonderland and its history 00:13:40 - Memories of specific rides at Canada's Wonderland 00:15:51 - Jacqueline's story about riding the Vortex for the first time 00:18:38 - Ryan's confession about avoiding roller coasters 00:22:21 - The story of Top Gun (now Flight Deck) and Jacqueline's experience 00:25:46 - Discussion about the renaming of rides after Paramount's sale 00:30:00 - Memories of Ontario Place 00:33:31 - Talk about local parking lot carnivals 00:36:55 - The Gravitron ride and Ryan's memories 00:40:02 - More about Ontario Place and its current status 00:42:59 - Canada's Wonderland's annual revenue 00:43:31 - Unhinged text segment: Family portrait discussion 00:48:17 - Closing remarks and call to action for listeners This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

For more, head to DreyerDrive.com00:00:06 - Introduction to the episode's themes00:01:09 - Ryan explains his tardiness and discusses motorcycle maintenance00:02:28 - Conversation about dad's habit of setting clocks ahead00:03:45 - Update on family visits and podcast recording plans00:05:17 - Question of the week: Nostalgic meals from childhood00:06:22 - Discussion of mom's beef stroganoff recipe00:08:54 - Memories of other childhood meals like chicken à la king00:10:43 - Conversation about Canadian snack foods and desserts00:14:23 - Main topic: The movie "Homeward Bound" and childhood pets00:15:51 - Background on "Homeward Bound" and its origins00:18:38 - Recap of the movie's plot00:22:21 - Discussing favorite childhood pets: Cassidy and Taylor00:25:46 - Stories about Taylor's behavior and adventures00:37:31 - The story of Erin the cat's eye injury00:44:00 - Reflections on the importance of pets in the family00:48:11 - Additional facts about "Homeward Bound"00:50:46 - Unhinged text segment: Family chat about naming mom and dad's new puppy00:58:23 - Closing remarks and call to action for listeners This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

00:00:08 - Introduction to the episode's theme: TGIF and Full House 00:01:04 - Teaser for topics to be covered, including Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen 00:01:24 - Official introduction to the Dryer Drive podcast 00:02:42 - Discussion about the podcast being available on various platforms 00:04:38 - Question of the week: Most ridiculous rule growing up 00:04:50 - Jacqueline shares stories about curfew rules and sneaking in 00:08:55 - Ryan's experiences with breaking curfew 00:11:18 - Discussion about other house rules, including language restrictions 00:13:03 - Rule about not accepting offers from others 00:14:41 - Transition to the main topic: The Olsen twins 00:15:51 - Background on Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's early career 00:17:47 - The twins' transition from acting to business 00:22:21 - Discussion of the Olsen twins' fashion empire 00:29:48 - The twins' current reclusive lifestyle 00:35:28 - Ranking of TGIF shows from the 90s 00:45:50 - Unhinged text segment featuring a story about a snake 00:53:42 - Closing remarks and call to action for listeners This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

Dryer Drive Podcast - Episode 500:00:06 - Introduction to the Dryer Drive podcast 00:00:15 - Teaser for this week's episode topics 00:01:00 - Ryan's life update: new baby and computer troubles 00:02:23 - Jacqueline's recent trip to Africa 00:05:41 - Discussion about family dynamics and living together 00:08:55 - Ryan's iconic childhood outfit 00:13:40 - Jacqueline's memorable childhood outfit 00:15:23 - The story of the Dassler brothers and their shoe companies 00:24:58 - How the brothers' rivalry affected their town 00:30:00 - The brothers' involvement in World War II 00:35:00 - The creation of Adidas and Puma 00:41:28 - The Pelé Pact and its aftermath 00:42:55 - The end of the Dassler brothers' relationship 00:43:32 - The sale of Adidas and Puma 00:44:12 - Discussion about brand loyalty and childhood experiences 00:45:50 - Unhinged text message segment: The Thong Song obsession 00:48:20 - Outro and call for listeners to rate and subscribe----------In this episode, siblings Ryan and Jacqueline catch up on recent life events, share stories about their childhood outfits, and dive into the fascinating history of the Dassler brothers, founders of Adidas and Puma. They discuss family dynamics, brand loyalty, and end with a quirky segment about an unexpected musical obsession. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

Jacqueline's daughter's high school graduation (00:00:58 - 00:10:41)- Jacqueline's meltdown in the parking lot- Comparison of American graduations to Canadian ones- Family dinner reservation dramaChildhood memories (00:13:36 - 00:19:04)- Family night activities (marching and singing, "Booga Wooga" game)- Dad's involvement in daily activities and school tripsConan O'Brien and his family (00:19:04 - 00:35:35)- Background on Conan's upbringing and siblings- Conan's career highlights- Similarities between Conan's family dynamics and Ryan & Jacqueline's familySibling relationships (00:35:35 - 00:39:00)- Hosts' relationship as teenagers vs. adults- Competition and support among siblingsParenting experiences (00:39:00 - 00:45:00)- Ryan's involvement in his daughter's school activities- Reactions from other parents and childrenHumor in the family (00:45:00 - 00:49:02)- Different types of humor among family members- Memorable funny momentsUnhinged text of the week (00:54:01 - 00:55:18)- Jonathan's photo of his hairy feet watching the graduation livestream This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

Here's a rundown of what goes down in this episode: 00:00 - 04:08 Introduction, Talking about last week's episode & graduations• Hosts: Ryan and Jacqueline talk about last week's episode, and the general direction of the podcast• Discuss some differences between US and Canadian high school graduation, as well as their own experiences with graduation04:09 - 15:32 Family Game: Who Would You Take on The Amazing Race?• Playing the game “Which family member would you go on The Amazing Race with?”• Sharing hilarious and heartfelt reasons for choosing specific family members and spend way too much time doing so15:33 - 01:00 Sibling Schemes: The McDonald’s Fraud Story• Introducing two siblings who defrauded McDonald’s out of millions of dollars• Discussion about the audacity and creativity behind their scheme41:55 - 47:14 The most ridiculous McDonald's character of all time• Introducing two siblings who defrauded McDonald’s out of millions of dollars• Discussion about the audacity and creativity behind their scheme47:15 - 48:44 The end of the story• How it turned out for Uncle Jerry and Marv51:29 - 53:28 Family Texts: Unhinged Messages• The new owners of our old house decide to sell it, and we revisit the old house via a sibling text message thread53:47 - 54:06 Ryan cannot complete a sentence after multiple attempts• Words are hard for one of us This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

[RYAN]Welp. Episode One was a smash success, to put it lightly. How can I prove that to you, how’s this: When talking to my mom a few days ago, she said, AND I QUOTE: “Me and your dad listened to your podcast. We both laughed.”Is this the peak? Do we just retire now? No. Because like my Border Collie-mix, Deacon (RIP) licking his own shadow on the wall, we won’t stop until our tongues are bleeding from the brick that we’ve been licking. Horrible analogy, to say the least, but you get the picture. We’re. Just. Getting. Started.This week, we acknowledge the horrible habit that all of the Porter siblings have of talking at the speed of an Ohio Horse Auctioneer, and making sure to not let each other finish a sentence while doing so, and we take a look at four siblings who defined an oversized chunk of our childhood. Highlights from Episode 2Question of the WeekJacqueline asks the thought-provoking question of what item from our childhood would go into the Graceland-style museum of our house on Dreyer Drive. And we, weirdly, had the same answer. TMNT: The Ultimate Sibling Squad Jacqueline dives into the sewers to dig up a little bit of background on our favorite childhood siblings, while confessing her crush on one of them. Ryan uses the podcast as the opportune platform to show the world just how horrible of a friend he was. The documentary Turtle Power: The Definitive History of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was the real MVP for this episode and is worth a watch if you have like 90 minutes, crippling nostalgia, and some laundry to fold. Unhinged Text from a Family MemberEating sheet cakes, and our mom the pirate. We both share texts that we received during the week that confirmed many things for us. But mostly how the medical world could really use some inspiration for eye patches. A billion dollar industry just waiting. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

Once upon a time, two siblings, separated by two years, and 6,200 miles, decided it was time to start a podcast about siblings. So, with no experience, they turned on their mics, turned on their cameras, and hit record.Today we are stoked to release the first episode of our podcast called “Dreyer Drive — a podcast about siblings and the people, places, and pop culture that raised us.”In this episode:[3:10] Why we started this podcast[5:23] What to expect from the podcast[6:48] A story about our Dad normalizing failure[9:28] What is "Dreyer Drive"[11:57] Question of the week[18:45] Introduction of this week's siblings, and discussion about their lives, legacy, and manfulness[50:13] The conclusion of the siblings, and their story[53:10] The unhinged family texts message of the week This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com