PODCAST · comedy
The Hate Napkin
by The Hate Napkin
“THE HATE NAPKIN” is a humorous, weekly podcast featuring former congressional candidate and author ARIK BJORN, and pop culture guru GARRETT KELLERHALS. Also, the crew is joined from time to time by veteran radio and social media personality CARLA FROM BURNT CORN, ALABAMA.Years ago, author Arik was sitting at the kitchen table, when he totally lost it. He started shouting all the things he hated. His roommate, Garrett, was in stitches. He recognized an opportunity to catch rage in a bottle: “Just grab a pen and start writing it all down!” So he did. Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/thehatenapkin/support
Episodes
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Season 1, Episode 88: You Have Reached The Heel Of The Hate Napkin
Welcome to the Twilight Zone, but not an interesting one. A listener shares their hate for a pet that wakes them up in the middle of the night. Arik understands, as his cat likes to act like Chevy Chase with the Christmas Tree. Arik doesn't like hairballs or the sound of choking on the carpet....
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Season 1, Episode 87: The Glory Hole Episode
This episode starts with a proper promotion for our sponsor. Carol feels bad about the massive attention Burt Korn, Alabama has gotten from this podcast. Arik begins with bad driver's test questions. If you are getting a learner's permit, do you have to know the maximum weight of a vehicle for a...
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Season 1, Episode 86: Fixing The Bills And House Flippers
Arik is all out of hate. Arik plans to lean on Carol and Paulie, who provide real estate management companies and house flippers. Carol starts with a hate letter to a doctor's office that doesn't respect their patients' time. The clinic tries to charge the patient for one missed visit. Paybacks…
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Season 1, Episode 85: Getting To Know Arik, A Greek Stealing Sexton
Carol speaking and fielding questions from the THN crew was so much fun. Arik broke out the hot sauce and let us give it to him. Arik shared the birth of The Hate Napkin, his first girlfriend experience, and his propensity to steal from the self-checkout. He told us how he gets wood, and no one...
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Season 1, Episode 84: Human Resources Should Be Human Remains (In Memory of Aunt Gene)
Carol from Kansas City shares some priceless family stories, including her superhero origin story. It involves her mom sitting on a convertible in a poodle shirt and saddle shoes, smoking a cigarette, and her dearly departed Aunt Gene immediately becoming the favorite daughter-in-law. Paulie goes...
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Season 1, Episode 83: This Show Is Past Its Expiration Date
Carol from Kansas City is renovating her home to make life easier for the THN home office, but the sliding glass door won't stop the host from jumping in. Paulie rants about expiration dates, from cigarettes to condoms, and the entire THN crew has something personal to add. Arik's OCD mom doesn't...
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Season 1, Episode 82: Someone Painted My House, National Anthems, and Don't Open My Fridge
We are back from a little break, and Paulie forgot to put the show in gallery view, so a lack of visual cues brings Arik and Paul's interruptions to the top of their game. Carla starts us off with an incredible letter about a neighbor who had a problem with their yellow house. In this neighbor's...
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Season 1, Episode 81: Carla Speaks, Comes Clean, And Billie Eilish Releases Her Fragrance
This episode focuses on Carla from Burt Korn, who reveals that she is not who she appears to be. While it was intended to be an episode about Carla being Carol, Arik and Paul mistakenly think they are on an 80s episode of the Stern Show. Carol handles the situation gracefully, mentioning her past...
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Season 1, Episode 80: Three Abreast, Uniballs, and Carla Tries To Speak
In this episode of complete nonsense, five people will listen to The Hate Napkin as it explores turning the clocks back by sexualizing female backs or demanding that your wife not make food. Either way, this middle-aged whining is brought to you by Come And Go. And what would be a middle-aged...
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Season 1, Episode 79: Diapers For Primates and Strollers For Dogs
I listen to these at 1.5X while I write the synopsis and it is surprisingly more listenable. Karen writes in about being a Karen. Carla is not having it. If she has a catch phrase, it is "Bite my ass!". Arik doesn't like Adolfs or monkeys in diapers. This brings us to tiny dogs shitting in...
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Season 1, Episode 78: War Movies And Bad Trash Collectors
This one almost didn't make the cut folks. It starts on a high horse. War Movies, Sniper Movies and Bad Trash Collectors make The Hate Napkin. Carla from Burt Korn has a good neighbor who brings her garbage to the city government who refused her refuse in the first place. Fortune Cookies are...
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Season 1, Episode 77: Big Tech, Public Nose Picking And Ichy Tacos
One of our only listeners remembers the days when you plugged in a printer and it worked. Now he is downloading an updated printer application, syncing his life history and sharing his printing habits with Big Tech and the Illuminati. And the printer still doesn't work. The audio engineer is lit…
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Season 1, Episode 76: I Hate Mouse Inflation And My Dad's Butt Crack!
We are off to a punny start. You can't make an omelet with out cracking a few Elon jokes. Arik wants to be impaled in the mountains and this brings us to Mouse Viagra. Fortunately, his daughter saves us from kickstand puns, and not everything is a metaphor for sex says he who ends every episode…
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Season 1, Episode 75: The Post Poop Pee Signal And Nosy Neighbors Worried About Pussy
Welcome to the worst rated podcast. Carla starts us off in the penalty box. Folks, we don't do religion or politics. However, poop and pee are always on the coffee table. Was that a whataboutism? Guns are penis extensions, for the record. Arik is worried about some random dude who went from the...
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Season 1, Episode 73: Baby Wipes or Bidets? Plus, Moose Knuckles!
Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, leads off the show with a sign language howdy-doody Avignon feathered-finger salute. And they’re off! Co-host Arik is lost at sea seething. He’s annoyed by the tamper-proof liners on food containers. For some reason, he thinks they need to remain on…
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Season 1, Episode 74: And the Days of Hate to Come!
Happy New Year! The calendar begins anew—as does our hate. After all, who doesn’t feel like pulling hair from their pate after listening to drunk revelers quack out “Auld Lang Syne” over and over? Hey, how come Sound Engineer Pauly from Bali keeps playing with his mike head? What’s wrong with the...
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Season 1, Episode 72: The Gratuitous Ghost of Gilbert Gottfried Returns
EPISODE 72 SYNOPSIS The Gratuitous Ghost of Gilbert Gottfried Returns Folks, it’s a “smoke a cigarette afterwards” cool-as-a-cucumber kind of episode. Co-host Arik opens the show with something nice to say about his current state of residence, South Carolina: “Well, at least it’s not the Pacific...
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Season 1, Episode 71: Bubbles the Colectomy Clown Woks the Dog
EPISODE 71 SYNOPSIS Bubbles the Colectomy Clown Woks the Dog Just remember: We’re professional haters. Don’t try this at home. Also, we might be “sniggling, small, solace-less creatures,” but we’re the experts you come to in a loathing pinch. Then again, some listeners are a little less than...
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Season 1, Episode 70: The WAP Café—Plus, Carla’s Pussy Stalks a Stinger!
EPISODE 70 SYNOPSIS The WAP Café—Plus, Carla’s Pussy Stalks a Stinger! Co-host Arik poses the following question: “Can’t we all agree that an igloo is a pretty stupid place to put a glory hole?” Folks, it’s all downhill from there. Arik’s credit card was recently used fraudulently for a…
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Season 1, Episode 69: Flushing Andy Rooney’s Bleeding Fuzzy Wuzzies
Flushing Andy Rooney’s Bleeding Fuzzy Wuzzies Hey, folks! Somehow the antepenultimate worst-rated podcast in the nation made it all the way to Episode 69 without getting cancelled! And how should we celebrate Magic 69? Why, with a little upside-down, titillating, tongue-tingling hate, of course!...
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Season 1, Episode 68: Pedophiles Who Read Banned Books, Plus Fake Monk Fundies!
Pedophiles Who Read Banned Books, Plus Fake Monk Fundies! Breaking news! The Hate Napkin is now the antepenultimate worst-rated podcast in the nation! Folks, you really have to aim high to be this low. Co-host Arik leads off the show with his hatred of Phone Lingerers—people who don’t hang up the...
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Season 1, Episode 67: Getting Our Goose While Smothered in Pussy, Plus Fowl Taints
The show begins with co-host Arik being smothered by a pussy. Then special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, lets us know she “no habla b@llshit.” Plus, sound engineer Pauly from Bali gives us a live demonstration of motorboating. Where can we go from there? Up, up, up! North to Canadia!…
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Season 1, EPISODE 66: Straw Bangers & the Art of the Telephonic Poo
EPISODE 66 SYNOPSIS Straw Bangers & the Art of the Telephonic Poo Welcome to Episode 58 of The Hate Napkin! Um, excuse me, this is actually Episode 66. No, it’s not. It’s a recovery episode. We lost 58, so we’re redoing it. Um, Episode 58 is already posted actually. It’s titled “Slim Jims for...
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Season 1, Episode 65: BALACLAVAS, BABY WIPES AND 500 MEXICAN DOLLARS
EPISODE 65 SYNOPSIS BALACLAVAS, BABY WIPES AND 500 MEXICAN DOLLARS Team THN welcomes a new advertiser to the show: Men’ Vodka! “When the bathtub dries up, there’s always Men’!” What can we say? In life, things can always get worse. And this episode is definitely worse. Well, it sure ain’t the…
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Season 1, Episode 64: A SO-CALLED BUCKET PUDDIN’ OF A SHOW
EPISODE 64 SYNOPSIS A SO-CALLED BUCKET PUDDIN’ OF A SHOW As our so-called co-host Arik nears the oceanic depths of his midlife crisis, Team THN is joined by none other than America’s Liberal Voice, Robyn Kincaid, from The H.O.R.N. (Head-On Radio Network)! Catch Robyn as the host of The H.O.R.N....
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Season 1, Episode 63: YOU ONLY LIKE ME FOR MY ALMONDS
EPISODE 63 SYNOPSIS YOU ONLY LIKE ME FOR MY ALMONDS Co-host Arik asks Team THN, “What exactly does it mean when a dude gets his manhood cut off?” Sound engineer Pauly from Bali: “When a woman gets a job instead of a man, or when a woman gets paid the same as a man.” “Hmm,” says special guest…
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Season 1, Episode 62: BOYS HAVE SPIKES, GIRLS HAVE PUMAS
Season 1, Episode 62: BOYS HAVE SPIKES, GIRLS HAVE PUMAS Welcome to naked hate! No, literally. Co-host Arik shows up in his birthday suit. Dude, stop grabbing your mike. Great gag. Now can someone please tell him this is a podcast? First up! Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reads a...
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Season 1, Episode 61: CLOCK SUCKERS FROM THE WAIST DOWN
CLOCK SUCKERS FROM THE WAIST DOWN And the THN Tony Award goes to Colin from Los Angeles, with an epic Hate Letter! Everyone hates Clock Suckers—you know, those mid-level managers who walk around the office with a clipboard, pretending to be busy while everyone else grinds it out for a living....
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SEASON 1, EPISODE 60: DUCK UPPERS, DILLY BARS & THE BIG DAMN DUMMY IN THE SKY
Most folks buy a house on a pond, kick back on the porch, and throw back a hard lemonade or two. But for co-host Arik, the high life only seems to serve as a launchpad for a midlife crisis of epic proportions. He can’t wait to take on bully birds, Big Telecom, plus the Dude Behind the Curtain.…
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The Hate Napkin Christmas Special
Merry Xmas! For once, special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, gets lit. Who can blame her, as co-host Arik and sound engineer Pauly from Bali croon their favorite holiday tunes—then bang on music “legends” for unoriginal Christmas music. Grab a cup of nog and lotion up! Team THN celebrates...
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Season 1, Episode 59: MISTAKES WERE MADE, BUT NOT BY ME!
The THN Team revisits an old classic: poop scenes in cinema and television. Tip of the cap to the writers and cast of “Parks and Recreation,” including especially Chris Pratt, for the ol’ “marker that won’t stop” bit. Co-host Arik couldn’t agree more: There is nothing more frustrating than when…
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Season 1, Episode 58: SLIM JIMS FOR EVERYONE!
Ah, life in the Anals of Hate. As Marcus Aurelius once opined: “We are all but mere polyps fixed in a sea of poo.” Or some such. Co-host Arik and sound engineer Pauly from Bali regale all with tall tales from their gonzo journalism days in Columbia, South Carolina: from redneck Michael Jackson...
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Season 1, Episode 57: Low-Hanging Fruit: The Bezos-Musk Dangling Sack Package
It’s time for a little THN Show & Tell! Co-host Arik’s library rescue cat Loki starts the show by displaying his anus for all to see. Great for video, not so great for radio. (Or maybe it’s the other way around.) Speaking of furball buttholes, who do you hate more: Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos? It’s a...
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Season 1, Episode 56: Five Little Monkeys Doodle Mapplethorpe Stick Figures
Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, hates childproof caps. Hey, pill companies! If you’re designing a capsule bottle for arthritis sufferers, and the only way they can open the damn thing is with a sledgehammer, then JUST MAYBE you need to go back to the design drawing board! Lick…
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Season 1, Episode 55: Transformers Rapture and Carla’s Cameltoe Banana Bread
It’s Game Day! There’s a Nerf Super Soaker Water Blaster to your head. “What do you hate more?” Golden Corral or The Kardashians + Kanye West? Oh, Lord—please just blow out my inner ear with pee-tainted pool water now. If there’s one thing that separates The Hate Napkin crew from The...
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Season 1, Episode 54: Episode Canceled! Active Shooter Drill
puff-puff-puff. Welcome to another execrable episode—puff-puff-puff—of Masterpiece Hate. puff-puff-puff. Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reaches deep into the THN Haterbator Mailbag and produces a letter that gives all pause: O, how one longs for the days of Cold War duck & cover...
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Season 1, Episode 53: Butter Churning Butt Fungus & Mad Ham Flingers, LLC
“Butter Churning Butt Fungus & Mad Ham Flingers, LLC” This episode is sponsored by THN Creamy Butter! THN Creamy Butter: “Churning out hate since 2022!” No, seriously. Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, brings in her old timey wooden butter chur—Ahem! Carla! Oh, Lord. Can you please…
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Season 1, Episode 52: Many Shames! Two Packet of Hate Only for My Baby Fingers!
Cock-a-doodle-doo! Roll out of bed, you sleepy head! The early hater gets the worm! Co-host Arik literally woke up seconds before the show started recording, so please forgive him for not wearing any pants. (Warning: do not watch this episode on YouTube.) Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn,...
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Season 1, Episode 51: Relaxing Sphincters, Ass Wedging & Lying Teenagers
Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, recent recipient of the First Annual Hatey Awards, kicks off the show: “Again, I’m truly honored. Now let’s just get out there and love people with a big ol’ heaping helping of hate.” Co-host Arik agrees: “Except for Lotto Man. I f@cking despise Lotto...
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Season 1, EPISODE 50: THE HATEYS “AND THE HATEY AWARD GOES TO…”
Achtung, Husky Ladies of Austria! Pay heed, to our Anonymous Superfans in Titusville, Florida, and Topeka, Kansas! It’s a special day of loathing and detestation ! Flips of the bird all around! Join us as we celebrate Episode 50 of The Hate Napkin with our special awards ceremony: The First…
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Season 1, Episode 49: THE AMAZING KUM & GO AMISH GAS PUMP BLOCKER GANG
My name is Bob. You rarely hear from me directly. I’m the senior editor at THN Media. One of my responsibilities is to create the summaries for each episode. Most of the time, it’s really fun. Hell, no one even cares if I just make up stuff. But I really don’t know what to do about Episode 49. At...
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Season 1, Episode 48: DICK PICS, ENEMAS FOR LOVED ONES & FISTING HATE
Hello, everybody! Hey, Steve! Pass me a Budweiser! Let’s spread some seventh inning stretch hate! Sound engineer Pauly from Bali takes the hate baton and starts running. And he better run fast, because in his declaration of despising fat people wearing T-shirts, co-host Arik and special guest…
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Season 1, Episode 47: A Bleeding Ass Requiem for Gus the Photobombing Hound & Gilbert Gottfried
Sound engineer Pauly from Bali unleashes hate upon irresponsible dog owners. When two dogs are sniffing at each other apprehensively, the last thing they need is their owners to start screaming bloody murder and waving their hands like Kermit the Frog. In Dogese, this translates to: “KILL THE...
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Season 1, Episode 46: B*tch, You Out Your Mo-Fo Mind?!
We begin the episode with an anonymous hate scrawl submitted to the THN Anal Mailbag: Any time you get a 1 a.m. work call that begins, “B*tch, you out your mo-fo mind?!” – the only proper response is, “Can I buy a vowel?” Almost immediately, the show descends into a debate on male castration and...
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Season 1, Episode 45: Carla’s Man Babies: Just Sticking Straws Anywhere
Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reaches deep into the anals of the THN Mailbag for a couple of classic hate epistles: Jeff from Dampfstain, Ohio, wonders if it’s okay to burn down the house of the man who’s been driving around the neighborhood with a giant Russian flag attached to…
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Season 1, episode 44: Why is my…PERIOD LATE? AND BROWN? Just Google It!
Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, leads off with a hate bargain. For a mere $1,500—or the price she paid in Mexico to have all her teeth extracted and replaced—you too can pay to have your dog’s infected tooth removed. Seriously, folks, next time your precious pooch has a toothache,...
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Season 1 Episode 43: Tap Your Foot Three Times, Senator Graham Will Be Right with You
Please type “YES” if you want to listen to this episode. And “NO” if you want to rot everlastingly in the pit of hate hell. Please do not reply to this paragraph—no one is really listening. To begin, co-host Arik smashes a plate of spaghetti hate against the wall: NO MORE MEDICAL APPOINTMENT TEXT…
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Season 1 Episode 42: So Long and Thanks for all the Bath Salt Blizzards!
Hello. I am Kevin. You THN customer support rep. I am please to happy help you with all hate needs you have. No, I am not in Mumbai. I live in suburb fortress town known as Burnt Korn, Alabama. I am neighbor with show special guest Carla, who is local Queen Dairy. Cows worship her glands of...
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Season 1 Episode 41: Don’t Poo-Poo the Handicapped, They Can Poo-Poo Themselves
Once in a while, we reach into the THN mailbag and discover a letter of such exquisite abhorrence that we set our delicate egos aside and grant a listener center stage as Epistolary First Chair of Hate. Such is the case with poor Steven of Urbandale, Illinois, who at the local grocery store...
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Episode 624: A Wire Hanger, a Cherry Dilly Bar & Thou
Co-host Garrett couldn’t make it—he’s too busy rounding up succulent wombs for male intergalactic dictatorial rule. Thus, co-host Arik and sound engineer Pauly from Bali work their magic to constrain special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, in the wake of the Supreme Court’s abortion ruling....
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ABOUT THIS SHOW
“THE HATE NAPKIN” is a humorous, weekly podcast featuring former congressional candidate and author ARIK BJORN, and pop culture guru GARRETT KELLERHALS. Also, the crew is joined from time to time by veteran radio and social media personality CARLA FROM BURNT CORN, ALABAMA.Years ago, author Arik was sitting at the kitchen table, when he totally lost it. He started shouting all the things he hated. His roommate, Garrett, was in stitches. He recognized an opportunity to catch rage in a bottle: “Just grab a pen and start writing it all down!” So he did. Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/thehatenapkin/support
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The Hate Napkin
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Frequently Asked Questions
How many episodes does The Hate Napkin have?
The Hate Napkin currently has 88 episodes available on PodParley. New episodes are automatically indexed when they're published to the podcast feed.
What is The Hate Napkin about?
“THE HATE NAPKIN” is a humorous, weekly podcast featuring former congressional candidate and author ARIK BJORN, and pop culture guru GARRETT KELLERHALS. Also, the crew is joined from time to time by veteran radio and social media personality CARLA FROM BURNT CORN, ALABAMA.Years ago, author Arik was...
How often does The Hate Napkin release new episodes?
The Hate Napkin has 88 episodes. Check the episode list to see recent publication dates and frequency.
Where can I listen to The Hate Napkin?
You can listen to The Hate Napkin on PodParley by clicking any episode. We provide an embedded audio player for direct listening, and you can also subscribe via your preferred podcast app using the RSS feed.
Who hosts The Hate Napkin?
The Hate Napkin is created and hosted by The Hate Napkin.
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