The Oath

I will always support the education system, but I have had my fair share of teachers who hated me, who didn't like me and wanted to see me fail or they would do illegal things that would cost them their license. I was never the perfect student, I made mistakes, hurt others and had to learn the hard way from many things I did. With many teachers taking the side of the bully, then playing the victim when the truth came out or acting nice because you got caught. It's not my problem that your true intentions were exposed, and don't think I forgot either. You are enough, don't let a grown adult tell you nothing will ever happen for you, that they try to fail you illegally and lie when they get caught. You are enough and you will be someone someday. All of us make mistakes and none of us are perfect, but many of us choose to learn from our mistakes instead of lying and hurting innocent people. Lying on your resume that you have the qualifications to be a professor at a technical college and also trying to pull illegal moves on several students, not just you. It's too late now to apologize now, you didn't destroy any of us, you went to jail because you committed a crime. That only the technical college had to apologize on your behalf but many schools you attended had to apologize. Even the unit the commander was part of, their own representative had to apologize for someone else's actions. Each profession will have some sour fruit, some will give dirty looks, talk bad about you. That's a them issue not an you issue, the choice is yours if you want to break and destroy everything or make it better.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Trying to destroy my engagement and wedding day, now you have no connection to me anymore. Throwing a tantrum without giving me the chance to explain why everything happened the way it did. You just chose to jump to conclusions instead. My only real peace was leaving you in my past. Our relationship was good until I was thirteen. That’s when everything change, that’s when you switched. A hole in my heart that will never be stitched up. The only peace was finding the one and the family who connected with my dad, his family and my three brothers. I would never mention you ever again or have anything to do with you. Don’t ever ask my brothers what I am doing or up too, you chose to leave. The happiest day turned into the saddest day of my life, but at least everyone else had common sense. You did give me the tools to survive and we did have good moments plus memories, I won’t deny that, but this is too far. The white dress that was stained when my heart shattered from that particular day, was healed by the ones who understood what was going on.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

During 2024, I learned I had Fibromyalgia and CPS (Central Pain Syndrome), where my body no longer knows how to process pain. Dealing with two people who violated HIPPA, which both of them worked in the medical field before. Should know how to keep confidential information to themselves, but no they had to run their mouth. They had no permission to share this information because it was confidential, but you never gave a damn. You were proud to share it with the world. It boosted your ego and arrogance until it all fell down. Showing back up months later like I forgot, I don’t forget a damn thing. It’s not problem that the guilt is eating you alive. You gave me no choice but to give you the cold shoulder. You can’t handle what you did, not my problem. Then having an ex to show up six years later this year. Thinking like nothing happened, I will never forgive you. Don’t come back around like I forgot or that I will forgive you. Forgiving what you did, will make you think that you won. I only forgive myself for the hell I had to go through. I survived each trap or setup. I’m not stupid but clearly you think that. The reason I remain quiet and lurk in the shadows, is because I let you think I am clueless or don’t know what is going on. When I know exactly what is going on. I let you run your mouth and make a fool of yourself before I make my next move. While you playing checkers, I was playing chess. You thought you had me, put you were wrong.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

During 2024, I learned I had Fibromyalgia and CPS (Central Pain Syndrome), where my body no longer knows how to process pain. Dealing with two people who violated HIPPA, which both of them worked in the medical field before. Should know how to keep confidential information to themselves, but no they had to run their mouth. They had no permission to share this information because it was confidential, but you never gave a damn. You were proud to share it with the world. It boosted your ego and arrogance until it all fell down. Showing back up months later like I forgot, I don’t forget a damn thing. It’s not problem that the guilt is eating you alive. You gave me no choice but to give you the cold shoulder. You can’t handle what you did, not my problem. Then having an ex to show up six years later this year. Thinking like nothing happened, I will never forgive you. Don’t come back around like I forgot or that I will forgive you. Forgiving what you did, will make you think that you won. I only forgive myself for the hell I had to go through. I survived each trap or setup. I’m not stupid but clearly you think that. The reason I remain quiet and lurk in the shadows, is because I let you think I am clueless or don’t know what is going on. When I know exactly what is going on. I let you run your mouth and make a fool of yourself before I make my next move. While you playing checkers, I was playing chess. You thought you had me, put you were wrong.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The consequences I get when I survived the worse nightmare of my life. Being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and CPS (Central Pain Syndrome), from being in survival mode. Being mentally, physically, emotionally and sexually abused two weeks before my thirteen birthday, By someone I wasn’t related to. I don’t blame my parents. Still the flashbacks and nightmares waking up in sweat or crying still haunts me. I won’t go any deeper because it still hurts. You think years later you would be healed, but it’s the opposite. You are learning to break bad habits and to unlearn the way you were while you were in survival mode. Being blamed for something that you didn’t cause, or told it never happened or you’re not telling the whole truth, you were never there so how would you know? You still don’t feel safe, but you don’t blame yourself anymore. God got you out of this dark moment. You and him have a long history, but you survive because of God. To face this is realizing you will never get over this just like when someone passes away. You learn to be okay, but it will come back in waves. You are in a better place and that’s all that matters.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Being judged for my own health problems, people thinking I am making it up for attention or it’s not real. Listen to yourself, you are talking about things that you don’t even understand or know about. If you put yourself in other people's shoes maybe you will understand, but you are too arrogant to care. Wait until you have health problems and others treat you the way you treated me, then give you a view from my perspective. Being in pain, sick and dizzy all the time wasn’t what I chose. This was a battle given to me, I have no cure but at least I still show up to help others. I always put others before me, and I always go out of my way to help others and make sure their day is better. I don’t have to do that, but I love helping other people and just doing God’s work. I am not about the popularity or what comes back to me, I could care less. Every good deed that is done is out of helping others, you never know you have made their day. Nowadays everyone is about themselves or trying to tear everyone else down. It's a sad world we live in and we need to do better. Long story short, I could have given the ones who hurt me the same treatment, but I walked away. I gave them the cold shoulder as well. Two classy ways to be, without falling to the same level as them. This is why many people don’t like me or always have a problem with me, when they have a problem with themselves. I will never change or think I am better because I am not. I am thankful to be who I am and be where I am today. I am thankful for the support and that I get to do what I love. It was a tough fight, but it’s a fight I am glad I kept fighting. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Being bullied or harassed when you are a kid, teenager or even an adult. Nothing changes about the bully, it’s either out of envy or jealousy. You are not hurting me, you only hurt yourself. Digging a hole that you can’t get out of but you blame everyone else for your own actions instead of taking accountability. Cheating your way through school or copying someone else just shows you have no personality. Tell me something girl, even through the pain and heartache. You never treated the ones who hurt you the same way. You did stand up for yourself. They are angry now because they have a criminal record and they can’t handle the consequences of their actions. They are only sorry because they got caught. While you are living in misery and still playing the victim, many of us have healed but will never forget the pain you put us through. Your lies will always come to light. What you try to hide will always come to light. Now that you have a track record, was it really worth it in the end to destroy your life over lies and hate? You have no one to blame but yourself. Once a bridge is burned you can no longer fix it or come back. Many of us will forgive ourselves but not you, because you will take it as a victory. It’s okay to not forgive them but you do need to forgive yourself. You matter in the end and it’s time to put yourself first.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Not being able to eat because it hurts to swallow and that I am allergic to gluten. Which mostly everything we have has gluten in it. Not being hungry in the mornings, only in the afternoons it’s not like I caused this. This isn’t normal, seeing a specialist next year to do more tests. I had H-Pylori in February of 2022, which can be passed down through DNA and cause by the good bacteria in stomach turning on you and make you sick. I had a stomach ulcer and the bacteria changed my stomach lining, which now I am allergic to gluten. Many would say it’s a made up allergy, but it isn’t. If I eat gluten I would either end up in the hospital or be throwing up a lot. Lot of drinks at Starbucks are gluten free, like Diet Coke is gluten free as well. Anything that says diet is gluten free, as well as fish is too. It does become stressful to mention you are allergic to gluten, when you are going to gathering, because all the food they have has gluten in it. So they have to make other foods that don’t have gluten in it. That is extra work from them to do, and it’s not fair to the one who is cooking, but what choice do I have? I’ll be having my tonsils removed soon, and the doctor used the terminology that it will be brutal. As you get old, especially for older adults they have a harder time recovery, unlike kids who have their tonsils removed. The doctor said it would take month to get back to normal, but two weeks for the area to heal. I won’t have a voice for a while. Starved my body, is not something I chose or caused, after Covid, I continued to get sick and have more issues. They did say that many who had Covid could have underlining issues but you wouldn’t know if it was issue until you got better. These many battles I face, I didn’t choose but I had to go through it. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Red lipstick is the confidence of sharing the truth of what actually happened. I don’t care if it makes you uncomfortable, you didn’t care when it destroyed me. Time is irrelevant when everything was always about you and your needs. Don’t be going my social medias or going behind my back talking to my friends. Once one was foot was out the door, the other one would no longer would be invited in. It’s not my problem that your engagement didn’t work. Blocking me and ghosting me wasn’t enough, you had show back up six years later pretending like nothing ever happened. What more do I have to express to get you to understand to leave me the hell alone. I don’t care about your apology or excuse. It’s not problem that you’re not happy. That you are living with guilt. This is you problem, like I said before I don’t care how uncomfortable this makes you feel. You never gave a shit about how I felt. Showing up six years later only puts the salt in the wound.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Being kicked out four times your senior year at eighteen, many would say you deserve it or it should be that way. Christmas is just another excuse for individuals like this to do these awful things. I’m not innocent and I did make my mistakes, but I never deserved this, walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Then a year later you meet up for it only to be about them. Flip the story to make them look innocent, then two years later you end the relationship. No part of you could ever go back to places that still haunt you. You don’t care about the senior reunion because you will never be there. You left for a reason. Going to college during your senior year was the best decision you made. Disappearing was the best option you made because either no one would believe you or it wasn’t a big deal. Why you’re out on your own you have freedom and you will never go back to memories that destroyed you. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Don’t act like your kind, I don’t care if you’re the Superintendent or not you don’t disrespect me. I did have the highest GPA in my class and was offered the valedictorian but I turned it down. Not only were you doing college during your senior year, you were taking care of your grandparents. My grandfather was sick and I didn’t think he was going to make it. Telling me this is once in a lifetime opportunity, that you may never get it again and you should reconsider your decision. No, my grandfather means more to me than a title, plus I will get it again. Your arrogant attitude and rude remarks wouldn’t be taking lightly. There is no back peddling now or taking back what you said. You said it and now you will have to live with it. I had many try to fail me or tell me I would never make it. For only for them to not only lose their license but to not be able to teach again. I’m not someone who forgets or who should be messed with. Christmas was the last holiday with my grandfather before he passed away on August 23rd, 2019. You only act kind to cover your narcissistic ways. It didn’t work now did it?  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

One of the most painful holidays, people you use to know. The ones you used to be close to, you would rather burn slow. All you reminded of is the hell that they caused you. Don’t act like you know me, don’t even tell them that you know me. I would rather die slow, to even know once upon of time I was related to you. Please don’t call me, you don’t even know me at all. A cover of kindness to hide your heart that is full of hate. I would rather hurt forever, to even know you or see you again. A holiday that is full of cheer and thankfulness, is a holiday you wish to escape. Thankful for Jesus being born, but wish you never existed in this persons life. Home is not home, you are forever locked out. No key can be made to unlock the door that you use to go through from your past. The past has been forever destroyed. Your dad, his family, three brothers, husband and his family is all that you have left, plus a few friends. The ones in your contacts are the only ones who matter to you. The ones not mentioned only call for money, or to cause more drama. Enough is enough, you only cared about yourself. God saved me in my darkest of times, and the ones I did mention is all who I have left. A holiday I always loved, is now one of the most painful holidays for me. Merry Christmas, each year I heal even more, but there will always be a scar.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Never trust someone who can so easily go behind your back and do you wrong, but so easily dismiss it like nothing ever happened. High knee boots is all the things each one of us had to go through, but we used our pain as style to express how we felt during that moment in time. Through many different colour platelets, or different styles of clothes and shoes. Each piece had a statement, the ones who broke you, only in the end destroyed their reputation, while being fired. Playing the victim because that’s the only thing they ever knew, they would never change or learn to try to change. When they hurt someone it’s their fault. Instead of taking accountability. I might grow and evolve and but I won’t change to the point where no one can recognize me. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The bravest soldier is the one who has no one to go to. High heels is the courage to walk alone. No matter how painful it was, there was no choice but to only walk alone. I would rather figure it out on my own, than to ask for help. Anytime I would ask for help it would either be I had to do something in return or there was a motive behind it. High heels isn’t just a symbol of courage, it’s symbol of being brave. Walking through the fire with no regrets or doubts left to give. The reality of home is place where you can no longer return to. You never ran in a pack, you weren’t meant to walk alone. No wonder why no one understands why you are quiet and don’t put up with anyone’s shit. You are strong, given the toughest of battles and still somehow you survived.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Surviving the Great War was realizing that they were playing with fire. Somewhere in the haze I’ve sensed I have been betrayed. Breaking someone’s confidentiality to only act like the victim . You knew what you were doing, but you didn’t think I would expose you. There is no place to hide but the bed you created of lies. Don’t show up or act like I forgot. I don’t forget. You just want this to go away, but it won’t. I survived the Great War while you are in misery. What you did backfired on you. Not only did you destroy your reputation and credibility, I heard since I left that company is in pieces. Not my problem, maybe you should have listened to my warning but I’m not the one who is suffering. It’s always interesting how when I walk away everything breaks into pieces. All this time I was the one holding everything together. You will never find another person like me and many of you are learning that the hard way. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Being stuck in February, because so much happened in the last three years, that happened in February. Am I allowed to leave or am I forever stuck in February? The last time I saw my grandma was February 20th. The last time I spoke to my mom and we went our own separate way was February 18th. Then my husband and I got married February 28th. All of this happened in the same year. The year of 2022, the year of pain not just mentally but physically. April 24th my next door neighbor passed away and April 28th my grandmother passed away in 2022. Then finding out Dec 25th of 2022, I had Abdominal Endometriosis. A year I wanted to forget but would remember. Endless February being stuck and having no energy to move forward. I just wanted to disappear. I thought the year of 2023 or 2024 would be better but it was the exact opposite.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Living with Fibromyalgia, is like being hot and cold at the same time, while being aggravated by the pain. Fibromyalgia is consider as an autoimmune disease. The pain can be like needles, fire, ants to electric shocks at any point in the body. Being so stiff you fill like you are carrying bricks when you walk. A tiredness that never goes, even eight hours isn’t enough. Fibromyalgia can cause many other issues as well. Also I have CPS(Central Pain Syndrome), where my body no longer knows how to process pain, that’s why I’m always in excruciating pain. Some seasons are worse then others, like summer and winter are worse when it comes to the pain, then with the rain and cold temperatures. There really isn’t a break from not having pain. Fibromyalgia can happen from many factors but two of them is trauma and if you had a serious accident, like an injury to your back. Which I fit all the criteria. Doing research, butterflies are a symbol of being fragile but a rebirth. To live with a condition a disease a new way of life, while looking vibrant from all the changes of life. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

August is one of the most difficult months for me, my grandfather passed away August 23rd, 2019. From the start of August and now it’s almost the end of August. August slipped away without a hello or goodbye. Twenty-three was significant for me because I lost my grandfather on the twenty-third, but when I turned twenty-three I lost my grandmother and a close friend as well. Twenty-three will be forever a memory to me, while August will be a month I will cherish, just like April. The twenty-four and twenty-eight will be two days I cherish as well. It’s interesting how numbers from before give you another meaning in life. The twenty-eighth of February my husband and I got married, The twenty-eighth of April I lost my grandmother. The twenty-third of January is my birthday, but the twenty-third of August is when I lost my grandfather. Like January twenty-fifth is my grandfather's birthday and I am twenty-five years old. It’s cool how numbers can have heartbreaking events happen on those days, then years later have a whole new meaning. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

All the green lights, about to take off, seven days. Being born in Mykolaiv, Ukraine. Adopted at two years old, there is a reason why I’m here. Seven days across the ocean, a story remained. Two woman one year had lettuce, peanut butter and water, the next year they only had lettuce and water. My parents had two large jars of peanut butter and they asked if they could have it, of course my parents gave it to them. Coming from nothing, to become someone I never lost my roots or where I came from. Ukraine was where it all started for me, a third world country, very beautiful and many nice people. Many wish to have the life that many of us have and we shouldn’t take that for granted, but we do. The lights on the runaway, is what we all dreamed about and worked for it. The world will know your name, everything you did, to help others. You never asked for nothing in return. When life got tough, you didn’t tear others down, you chose to heal and still chose to help others. Nothing in life you got free, you worked for it. When the world hated you and tried to change you. You remained the kind while rising above all of it. While many had more than you, and they still chose to target you. It costed them everything, while it costed you nothing. Everything may look easy or that my life was easy, when it wasn’t. When many say I wish you were strong like me, I promise you, you don’t. I appreciate the support, but I will choose to remain kind and humble. I don’t care what others think. They can stay living in their delusion, with no flaws. Their opinions never mattered anyways.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

My dreams are bursting out to sea, is more of a metaphor. Back when we were kids, the vision had become clear. I’ll never know what’s head, but that will never stop me. You will miss me if you blink twice, dream like I never dreamed. All the fireflies that light up the sky, the intro of an Owl City song. The future I dreamed became real. I would stay awake then sleep. Life is a once in lifetime opportunity, you only get one chance. The farewell of walking across the stage, to the rest of my life. When I write it’s more like a melody or song that was stuck within me, that finally got released. One of things about healing is once you leave the sadness, the anger appears for allowing it to happen, even though you couldn’t control it at young age. I’m not sad anymore, it’s like I never gave it my heart or remember being broken. When you think I have given up. I’ll prove the world wrong. I will continue to be underestimated which became my greatest strength. The pink skies, we were taught to enjoy. You always found another way. The big heart you have got you this far.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Looking back now, everything that happened, the way it happened was a reason. From not being believed to outcast, to being believed because you told the truth the whole time. You would rather tell the truth, even if it hurts then to lie. Which burns bridge, never can be trusted or believed ever again. The humiliation would be sent back to the sender. The two individuals, one who was nurse and the other one who became a doctor to only destroy your creditability, reputation and career. Violating HIPPA, PHI, breaking federal laws and breaking someone’s confidentiality without their permission was it worth? Our smiles have changed, they never change, you had to go through the darkness the humiliation to be in the light again which meant you were healed. I am strict on my rights and if you violate them, that is on you. You knew what you were doing, you just didn’t think I would stand up for myself. This wasn’t about just myself, you could do this to many more victims because you didn’t care. “The oath” I took to share the truth, to stand up for what was right. It was never based on revenge, it went through the grueling process to help others. I could have the one representing me to speak for me, but I didn’t. I am not afraid of much of anything, because what I was afraid of , I went through. It taught me to not be afraid. Plus already had a lifetime restraining order against someone already. It was out of my own safety. When I took “The Oath”, I took it seriously. You will never hurt me or anyone else like that again. It is on your record permanently and it will follow you everywhere. None of this had happen if you grew up, but you never did, You rather play the victim, never take accountability and blame others for your mistakes. I do choose to forgive, but I don’t forget. I will never be able to forget. Unfortunately one of things I developed when I was abused was photographic memory and the ability to remember what hurt me, but not remember all the good moments I had. Not that I chose to forget those moments, and that only chose to remember everything horrible. To describe what I mean by brain injury this is what I mean, our Hippocampus becomes smaller, and can change our prefrontal cortex of our decision-making and other functions. The detachment or disassociation of our childhood or horrible memories. This triggers the chronic response of fight or flight, that can’t be reversed. I promise it isn’t in your head, what you are experiencing and feeling is very real. In my case because I have been in survival mode for so long, my brain started to miss fire, and that’s where these autoimmune diseases come in. Our bodies store stress and trauma, that if not released becomes an autoimmune disease or it makes us very sick. For years I was ashamed for what I did, for what happened to me. I am not perfect, I learned from my mistakes, made amends to the ones I hurt, while taking care of myself. So when I say our smiles have changed, I mean when something died inside of us, sparked something new that was restored in us. It took awhile to get here, but everything happens for a reason.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

 I can’t tell you when you feel this type of feeling of standing up yourself when the threat for life is very real. Having your life threaten by someone who mentally, sexually, physically and verbally abused you from nine to thirteen years old. To doors spilting in half in front of you, bruises and scars from burns. A forty year old man, who should know right from wrong. I didn’t find God, He found me in my darkest moment. Gathering evidence but having to hide it, certain special moments like your birthday or mother’s day would never be the same for you. Especially when you wanted children of your own, but that was taken away from you. To have a mother, child or both to celebrate Mother’s Day, cherish those moments. Many of us may have of one or none to cherish it with, it’s a holiday we choose to escape. So long. To my old self, the innocent child who had her childhood taken away. Who had to grow up quickly, being an adult at eight. Independence was taught at a young age, no one to ask for help or being too afraid to ask for help. The child within yourself who prayed for someone to save them, is now the adult who became the one the child asked for. The guilt and shame, that you carried for years, made it difficult to open up. The brain injury that was physical but came from the abuse. Many don’t understand that abuse can cause damage to the brain, to point of no return. Living in survival mode for many years, once you leave survival mode your body goes into shock. The consequences of freeing yourself, putting yourself first and taking care of yourself, was becoming sick. Your body doesn’t know how to live in a quiet, safe environment. It’s constantly looking for threats. You don’t dwell on your past, it never defined you. It made me who I am today. Starting this podcast with So long, to my old self, is to see how far I have come despite how hard it was accept the news I got this week. That none of this was my fault, but I have brain injury that can’t be reversed, but can be managed. The ones who speak on this topic who never experience it, shouldn’t say anything. To the ones who say it’s made up, it’s in our head or we doing it for attention. You should listen to yourself, to the ones who said you should have just walked away when you had the chance. Would you walk away when your life was threaten? For all years being blamed because the engagement was ruined, instead of being heard. I became the black sheep. Sharing my truth was only for attention, it was made up or I was being dramatic, when I was being truthful. Why do think I walked away and haven’t spoken to you in five years. You will always play the victim, never take accountability and flip the story. I was never perfect and I was never innocent, but I would rather go no contact and never see you ever again to protect my mental health, and peace. Twenty-seven years old, I am doing better than I ever was, the strength of sharing my story was therapy to me. I don’t care if it ruins your image, or that you don’t like that I am standing up for myself. I would rather be hated for telling the truth, to walk alone then for everyone to believe a lie of life that actually happened, you just don’t want no one to know who you really are behind the mask.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.